(I’m tired will edit tomorrow if anyone reads this before then)
I recently wrote an author page recounting the last 6 and a half years of my life. One point where my circumstances significantly changed was when van broke down while I was offering ride share services from the SF Bay Area to points along the 101 north, as far as Arcata. The van stalled on the border of San Francisco and Daly City. I was able to restart it but literally had a max speed of about 5mph. I was moving slightly slower than a speed walker.
As I remembered this event, I remembered I laughed and made some remarks about a song lyric “3 miles per hour, like we running up on some rival”. Comments to the effect that I know about that 3 miles per hour, thats as fast as I can go. That probably wasn’t one of the comments, but I’m sure there were a few. I didn’t comment about it in the author section but thought: people who earn a living categorizing behavior and tendencies, who don’t understand that popular behavior used as a baseline for normal only reflects how well popular values are interanalized, and that popular values are inherited from previous generations and manufactured to serve advantaged interests, may assert that I use laughter as a coping mechanism.
I thought about how others may react in that situation. In an instant, I lost a means to income opportunities (1), I lost my transportion, since I wouldn’t be able to move it my shelter was in jeopardy, and within maybe a minute after that I was thinking of a joke. Telling these details to a psychologist would imply that I use humor to cope with my circumstances.
1: To save time on the explanation since I’m typically recalling this event in summary I have written that I was providing rideshares. It seems to be more sudden than it actually was. On my last ride share I had passengers that were going to San Jose, which is only relevant because it was during the stretch to San Jose that there was a loud bang while I was driving and I lost some power, but the van was still driving fairly decent after that. I did move towards working jobs in the San Jose area before going to San Francisco and planned to figure out what was wrong with the van prior to scheduling any trips. Prior to the moment when the van stalled possibly after another bang, it was driving well enough to get me to the jobs I could find on Craigslist. I still lost a means to income, even if I hadn’t been using for ride sharing for maybe as long as two weeks.
Prior to this, after restarting the car I didn’t know how fucked I was until I experimented with the throttle a little bit. Sometimes you can drive a car with a bad engine if you play the gas petal a little bit. I was pressing it down and then slowly taking my foot off of it. I don’t know the mechanics behind it, but I do know that in cars that have bad engines like my car in Florida, you press the petal to the floor and the car will accelerate to a certain point and then when you reach a certain speed you can take your foot a little bit off the gas and it will accelerate faster. This technique can also be used to shift a car with a bad automatic transmission. Once I tried this technique a few times and could not increase my speed I knew I was fucked, and I probably said as much.
What I do first before the song lyric comes is I am accepting of my circumstances. It doesn’t matter what they were moments before, what my objectives included that are now no longer fulfillable. The only thing that matters is what my circumstances are, and I immediately begin setting new objectives.
The van is an object that has value for other purposes, mainly storage and shelter, but also some monetary value (2). I mentioned on the author page summary of this event I went to Walgreens which was the nearest location for me to park. In the acceptance of these circumstances I set an objective to park the van. While I’m driving the van the circumstance of the vans limited speed as an object is compared to the object that is the song lyric and presented as thoughts. The objective is to produce a positive feeling, not to cover or take away the negative feeling. Throughout the course of the day I can see or hear just about anything and my subconscious will organize the objects as thoughts that produce laughter.
2: I may have understated in the author section the duration I stayed in the van in the Lucky California supermarket parking near the Kelly Moore paint store. I just noticed on my California ID that I obtained soon after the van broke down that it was issued 12/5/2015. I don’t think the van was towed until about June. I was in it about 7 months. The purpose of this note is to say some monetary value of the van was realized. I sold it on Craigslist for I think $100. The guy I sold it to was just using it for parts so I stayed in it after I sold it to him. I would come back and there were pieces missing off of it on the interior and eventually the exterior. LOL. I laugh as I think about it. Anyone who is still living in that area today who was living in that area in 2016 probably remembers that van and the man who caught the 14 Mission street bus to the 16th street and downtown.
Of course I cannot verify that all of this took place. There is an example which clearly wasn’t manufactured to serve as an example of something that wasn’t discovered until much later. I have the dash cam including the audio from when I was arrested in Florida for the marijuana, pipe, and gummy thc edibles.
There are a number of different things I’m not very proud of in the video. First of all I bought the wrong size t shirts. I wrote in the caption on the video that I was fortunate he didn’t charge me with disorderly conduct for having that tight ass shirt on. lol. It was a strange stop altogether.
When I’m in contact with the police I typically treat police as I would treat other people. I joke, answer questions, and roll with the conversation as it’s coming so long as I haven’t done anything wrong. Unless I feel like they’re fucking with me and I know I haven’t done anything wrong, then I can aggressive against what I perceive as unwarrented imposition. I was almost tazed by the Sheridan police in Colorado. I met a woman who was coming over to my trailer and we sat down by a gun shop that wasn’t open. A Sheridan officer pulled up by us and we began walking. He asked if he could talk to us and I said no. An argument ensued, he told me to shut the fuck up I continued to talk. He told me to sit down and eventually it reached a point where I felt like I was approaching my last verbal command before he lit me up and I sit down but kept talking. Other officers arrived on the scene and gave me a run down of what reasonable suspicion was and cited Terry v. Ohio, the details of which I would learn later.
The point and interrupting example is I was a little off with this cop because he wasn’t interacting with me like most officers interact with me. He seemed to have already made his mind up about my appearance and Colorado plates that he was dealing with a trafficer. Everything I told him was true and he didn’t seem to be buying any of it. I told him about how I finished a season of interstate moving and wanted to go somewhere warm. I told him about an incident that happend to me in Colorado about the weather, where I opened my car door and snow fell into the vehicle. He was very distrustful, making comments like I didn’t know moving had seasons, and saying interstate moving, I think I’m in the wrong profession. He wasn’t reciprocating my initial light manner.
Once the dog alerted to my vehicle my demeanor changed a little bit, but I wasn’t too worried because I didn’t think what I possessed was a big deal. Had I known how draconian Florida’s marijuana laws were I wouldn’t have possessed what I possessed in Florida.
The point of the story is this. In the video after he tells me I have felony, I’m going to jail, and they’re impounding my car you can hear the injury in my voice. Looking back it is not one of finer moments. At that moment, everything I possess is in that car, somethings irreplacable in doccuments I’ve written and accumulated through years. All of my Floridian objectives that were possible 20 minutes previously were gone. I’m hurt, I take a moment to think, accept my circumstances, and begin asking questions pertaining to getting my car out of impound. This is evidence, that in the moment, everything can be jeopordy, and I survey my circumstances and accept them and proceed.
I called my daughters mother while in the squad car and I’m outraged by the situation, morally, but it is what it is. Before we leave he opens the door to buckle me in. I joke “don’t want to forget about that seat belt”, since I was pulled over and in the mess I was in because I was pulled over without wearing my seat belt.
Worse still, I admitted to origins of what he found. To me and to most officers what he found was petty contraband. Most officers in most states at most would confinscate it and write me a ticket. It’s the best policy not to talk to police if you believe any kind of charge is going to result. I was expecting a ticket for what I possessed which is why I was very cooperative with him.
Since these incidents were brought back to my attention through the objective of creating my author page, it seemed worth writing them down to serve as examples of being acceptant of my circumstances which precludes the greif associated with the rapid deterioration of the quality of those circumstances.