Break 2

The project is finished and I have a few extra days in a free hotel to figure out what I’m going to do for the next few weeks before we begin the Alabama project. Before I begin comments on this break I wanted to chronicle an incident where I had a verbal altercation with an individual and the appearance of hypocrisy in a conversation with other individuals. The altercation was interesting because following it I identified the key points throughout the day where the subjects behavior produced negative feelings, or points where I was making subconscious value assignments that probably contributed to how I responded to him.

Mattress Day

I learned a lesson about cumulative assignments of negative feelings as a product of both subjective values and morality.  Without the culmination of shouting match that could have escalated I may not have so closely considered the accumulation of negative assignments to this individual.  

Initially, when he was outside unloading the truck I respected how he was working.  He was pulling mattresses and boxsprings off of the truck very quickly.  I was upset by his partner who was at the front of the truck laying them down and not moving them, but he was picking up that slack.  

The first point of negative feelings was his effort to make jokes towards the end of the Chief of Operations presentation, where he explained where to put the items and which ones to unbag.  1st it was a poor attempt at humor, and second the content was detrimental to what we were trying to accomplish.  On two occasions he said the reverse of what the CO said.  Even as a joke this can create a problem because someone can hear what he said and then do the wrong thing.  

The second point was a negative moral feeling.  There was a contractor who walked over to the elevator and this individual began telling him he couldn’t use the elevator and in a way that was very disrespectful.  I don’t believe the contractor spoke english, and he was playing on that in a way that was racially degrading.  I communicated to the contractor that we had elevators and he walked away from the elevators.  It wasn’t only that he was disrespectful to the man, it was also that he didn’t have no business talking to him about the elevator.  He’s being paid to bring mattresses and boxsprings to the room.  Myself and the senior installer were in charge of the elevators.  

The third point is subjective.  The CO told everyone he was ordering pizza and buying soda for lunch.  This individual made a special request for electrolyte juice.  There’s nothing wrong with that, do what you’re going to do to get what you can out of the situation.  But, at the same time he’s buying you lunch and drinks, be appreciative.  

The fourth point is he came in from a break smelling like he just got through smoking all the weed.  Which is a bad look whether you’re on a job or not.  This is subjective, but it still produces a negative feeling.  

Finally, I was unloading box springs from the elevator and he was positioning box springs to bring to the rooms.  He asked if we could use the door people’s cart that had two doors on it.  I told him no it’s the door peoples.  He said can we use it anyway.  I said no.  He said something to the effect of what if I ask them? I told just to bring the mother fuckers down the hallway like they been doing.  Then he said I’m going to ask them.  From there my voice reflected the anger of him pushing the issue and I began yelling at him.  

There were a few moments when I did want to hit him.  But I typically don’t hit people without them leaving the impression that they are about to become violent or want to become violent.  There were points where I was trying to push that.  At the same time I also know the consequences that can come with me putting my hands on someone.  It isn’t difficult to substantially hurt people.  In this situation I had a great size advantage over him.  It wasn’t as if I thought him to be a threat physically, he’d have to put his hands on me for me to do what I half wanted to do to him.  

Based on the perception that I may hurt him, his brother did give me the opportunity to justifiably whoop his ass and his brothers ass.  He said if you hit my brother we’re going to jump you.  Shortly after he said we got the thang in the car.  Of course he said he had the thang in the car because there was a good chance they were not going to jump me.  If I hit his brother and put him to sleep there is no jumping.  And then, what the fuck is he going to do?  Pick his brother up?  Run up and join his brother?  Run to the car down the stairs and be met on the first floor as I take the elevator down?  

We went back and forth for a little bit and then left it alone.  At lunch break I grabbed some pizza and went outside.  When i came back in they went outside.  Then I walked to my car to smoke a cigarette and they called me over and we left one another’s company on good terms.  

If we reduce it to him wanting to ask the contractor to use the cart with no context then it appears that I over reacted.  Even doing that looks bad.  These contractors have specific jobs to do.  Some contractors the CO has relationships with and they’re glad to help out the way we’re glad to help out when it’s beneficial to all parties, but it isn’t a good look for a temp to ask contractors to use their stuff.   

Earlier in the job I did ask a contractor to use a saw but only did so after I gave him a ride on an elevator at a time when I was the only one who had a key that weekend.  But it’s different to ask someone who we don’t have a relationship with.  At the same time, the Senior Installer isn’t a manager over people, but had I asked him something similar, I wouldn’t have went on with it to say fuck you you can’t tell me what to do without saying that, and asked him essentially the same question 4 different ways and tell him I was going to do it anyway.  Most of the event was a product of that sentiment conveyed through that course of action, but the event itself probably doesn’t take place without the build up of negative assignments resulting from other behavior. 

Either way, I didn’t hit anyone so if a person’s behavior causes me to become upset and I vocally express that frustration, I’m free to do that.  If they have a problem with that frustration if I’m that upset I’m probably interested in them escalating the situation, and becoming right in my response to unjustified imposition.  Or, in this situation they can shut the fuck up or remove themselves from my presence.   

Today Derick Chauvin was found guilty of killing George Floyd despite there being no evidence to that effect. It was interesting to listen to the first few minutes of the medical examiners testimony because it expressed the conclusions I made based on his report almost exactly in the article George Floyd and the Mass Dellusion of Systemic Racism.

The following is a quote from the Mass Dellusion of Systemic Racism

“At each point Floyd draws nearer to being taken into custody his perception of drawing nearer to that outcome increases his stress levels.  Each time Floyd physically resists he increases his blood pressure through the physical effort he’s putting into the act… Floyd died as a result of his perception of the outcome being arrested which elevated his stress levels as he drew nearer to being taken into custody, stress levels that were amplified through physical resistance, while his cardiovascular and respiratory systems were compromised through the drugs in his system (fentanyl, methamphetamine,THC), a respiratory infection, and advanced underlying medical conditions.”

Another quote taken from George Floyd article

“The stress of being arrested and going to jail, the release of adrenaline, combined with minutes of physical resistance can produce sudden cardiac arrest, and drugs contribute to the probability of that outcome.”

The following is a quote from the medical examiners testimony (

“What was going on with the physiology of Mr. Floyd on the evening of May 25th is, you already seen the photographs of his coranary artieries so you know he had very serious underlying heart disease. I don’t know if we got to it counselor, but Floyd also had hypertensive heart disease. Meaning his heart weighed more than it should. He has a heart that already needs more oxygen by virtue of its size, and its limited in its ability to step up to provide more oxygen when there’s demand because of the narrowing of his coronary arteries. Now in the context of an altercation with other people that involves things like physical restraint, that involves things like being held to the ground, that involves things like the pain you would endure by having your cheek against the asphalt or an abrasion on your shoulder, those events are going to cause strss hormones to pour out into your body, specifically things like adrenaline. What that adrenaline is going to do is ask your heart to beat faster. It’s going to ask your body for more oxygen so you can get through that altercation. In my opinion the law enforcement subdual and neck compression was just more than Mr. Floyd could take by virtue of those heart conditions”.

In the absence of those heart conditions the restraint itself would not have killed Floyd. In the absence of Floyd’s resistance to a lawful arrest the restraints would not have been performed. Hopefully he wins his appeal.

I have an article I’ll post tomorrow possibly two although I’m very apprehensive about posting the latest version of Assignment and Comparison since periodically someone views all the SCA articles but no one ever responds.

I still haven’t posted those articles. I feel like I’m going to jail in a few weeks for a few months. This isn’t to say working the job is as bad as being locked up, only that the job is something I don’t want to do, and both typically put your life on hold.

Even ESPN today was covering the reaction to the Derrick Chauvin trial. It is so fucking disgusting that there is the appearance of a concensus about the actions of an individual and the role it played in the death of another, and for that concensus to be categorically wrong. People are imprisoned by the information they consume, and they are imprisoned by the desire to maintain their present perspectives which creates demand for deception.

I saw an article featuring an intervew from an alternate juror in the Chauvin trial and it made me sick. The alternate juror said she would have found him Chauvin guilty and her only explanation is that the prosecutor presented a good case. WTF does that mean? It means the womans decision is based on how the prosecutor caused her to feel, not on any understanding of why the facts of the case meet the definition of the law. She goes on to say that the most important element of the case was the woman’s testimony who recorded the video of the incident. She was moved by the woman feeling responsible. This has absolutely nothing to do with what caused Floyd’s death which is essential to finding Chauvin guilty. More evidence of just how fucking stupid the general population is.

I think about the testimony of Floyd’s brother which should not have been allowed in the trial. It isn’t relevant to proving the states case. Floyd’s brother is not a witness to anything that happend. After the conviction he can address the court and explain how the loss has affected him and the family, but during the trial his lawyer should have objected to him testifying because his testimony is not relevant to proving the states case or bolstering any fact related to the states case. What it does do is prejudice the jurors against the defendant in his expression of grief in his loss. I haven’t watched the whole trial but in the little I did see his lawyer seems to have performed very poorly.

Once again Fed Ex did not deliver my car parts on time which forced me to stay in DFW for an extra two days. I changed the control arms on the car after receiving the package and the rear portion of the passenger control arm was severely damaged, responsible for most of the vibration that was occuring at higher speeds.

After replacing the control arms I drove to Gurnee, IL to meet with my daughter. We went to breakfast, played games at Dave and Busters, went bowling, and then had dinner before we departed. It was a great day, she seemed to have fun and expressed as much and I did as well.

Prior to leaving DFW I was contacted by the CO who asked if I wanted to come out to North Carolina for 4 to 5 days work in Asheboro. I realized I cannot really do anything until I gain stability in one place. Having a few weeks before the next job starts leaves me in a place where I’m constantly thinking about having to go back to work for the next job. I also cannot begin efforts in organizing because I’ll be off to a new place in a matter of weeks. So I decided to make the drive to NC to make a little bit of money and save a little bit of money on lodging until the next job begins.

I’ve been waking up in the morning severely depressed. Part of this is nicotine withdrawl. I smoke a few cigarettes a day coming from a place where I smoked more than a few cigarettes a day and vaped all day long. The past two days I smoked my last cigarette around 7 or 8pm and then woke up at 5am, and 3am and could not fall back a sleep. Laying in bed trying to go back to sleep while my mind shuffles through different aspects of my circumstances.

I don’t want to work this job. The people are great, the work is easy, and the pay is good compared to other opportunities I have for work. This isn’t what I want to be doing and there are other things I want to be doing that I should be able to make a living doing. Some stress has been a product of the CO telling me about the projects he has booked through the year, or giving me a hard hat and safety glasses for an upcoming job, or bringing up that I’ll need an OSHA certification for an upcoming job. All of this in itself should have no effect and some of the information is necessary, but to me it represents a future with the company in idea which produces a negative feeling.