I would like to be writing something of substance right now, but my days are occupied with menial tasks in a job to make money. The work is easy and the people are cool.
As I mentioned in the gamble continued I completed the interview in Austin. There’s about 2 hours of footage and at least some of it should be usable. The doccumentarians only intend to use a very small portion and said they’d send me the rest, so I will be posting portions as soon as that’s done.
I missed some pussy this weekend but maybe not. The chic I was texting with on the dating app told me she stopped drinking. I asked why and she said it caused her to make some stupid and bad decisions. I joked that I wanted to be her first stupid and bad decision of 2021. She said as long as I wasn’t lame in the sack she wouldn’t regret it. She said she smokes weed and I confirmed that I did too. Afterwards she said we could do that if I need an ice breaker.
I figured her for a 2 but that comment made me think she might have been a 3. I explained the numbers as it relates to my investment of time.
1: is looking for a mans attention, devotion, and time, which adds to her self worth, covers her insecurities, and gives her good feelings from the perception that she is achieving progress towards her idea of happiness. A woman’s and even men’s idea of happiness typically contains a spousal figure. The woman usually molds the man into the character of her fantasy. Many men seem to pursue a mother figure, who will impose limitations on their behavior and socially this is an idea that’s promoted that “shes the boss”. I typically avoid the type ones because it’s an investment of time that doesn’t yield what I’m looking for which is socializing and sex without expectations of a mutually exclusive future. Values are different.
2: Im usually aiming at category 2s. 2s want to socialize, be entertained, establish some comfort with you and then get smashed. If they enjoy themselves you’ll do it again.
3s: Are women who are very content with their life and want to add some high quality dick to it. They’ll meet you exclusively for sex. Very rare but they are out there.
After explaining this to her to see if she was trying to 3 or trying to 2, She responded that I got it all figured out and said I go from city to city hollering at local girls on dating apps.
I explained to her that I usually only mess with one chic in an area, and went on to tell her that I maintain good standing with the 2s I meet. I still talk and text with the chic in Denver and in Seattle, although they’re probably growing inpatient with me.
The chic from Seattle wanted me to come stay with her a little while. She offered to help me get out there with her stimulus money. I’d have spent a weekend with her drinking and doing freaky shit which is what she wanted. The problem of course was I didn’t have the confidence in my car to make it out there and then make it somewhere else to be productive.
I was planning on seeing the chic in Denver after I fixed my water pump and left Vegas. 1, because I can make money in Denver, and 2: because I can could probably promote my material in Denver, and most importantly, it moves me away from the west coast and that is important to me.
My car wasn’t running well enough for me to be confident that I wouldn’t get stuck out there, and of course now I know I need to change the timing chain. In Flagstaff I discovered the opportunity to appear in the doccumentary in Austin.
I brought up that I’ve maintained good relationships with the women I’ve been with in the different places I’ve been.
Since she said I had it all figured out with the categories I went on to explain that companionship and sex based on the advancement of a material interest falls under category 1, since what is required is time to make money.
I explained that eventhough my interest in women is primarily social and sexual that I can’t purchase services from prostitutes because my company and performance provides equal or greater satsfaction to the woman I’m with. Its like im paying money to give someone a good experience. The second 2 reasons are A: The feelings that linger for the days following the interaction when you have a good performance probably does not come after using the services of a prostitute. And B: you typically have to wear condoms.
She may have still been a 3, but lost interest because I implied that I don’t wear condoms. I don’t, I pull out to avoid babies and I avoid women with risky lifestyles (typically needle users) to avoid STDs. The only significant stds are hiv and herpes where the rest can be cured with a pill. I’m also someone who has never had an STD, and never produced a baby on a pull out which I’m disiplined in performing. Even contracting herpes just means you’re limited to sex with other people who have herpes, so you kind of enter an exclusive sexual market. Lol. It could have been the condoms if she was a 3, because if she was a 3 nothing I wrote would have mattered.
Otherwise she was an undercover 1 and didn’t like the idea that at some point I may refer to her as the Dallas chic.
She may have been a 2 who mistook my honesty for someone who is overtly full of himself and didn’t think she’d enjoy herself in my presence.
I won’t know, but I was disappointed that she was already willing and keeping it real went wrong. Maybe it did and maybe it didn’t if it was about condoms. The last chic I was fucking with in Milwaukee was cool and I would have enjoyed smashing but she was adament about condoms. After the first time I was going to go back because of the condoms thing. There was a moment when her head game was really good. We talked and I went back to exchange oral. Of course she bait and switched me and was delivering some mediocre head unlike what she did the first time I was there. I had to hit it again with a condom. My performance was much better so the second encounter was redeeming but I never went back to her again because I don’t like condoms. Still, she was a cool chic outside of that.
My planet fitness membership for the gym in Vegas can only be cancelled in person or by certified mail. I thought it made more sense to upgrade my membership to be able to use all PF locations since even if I cancel this membership and get a new one, I have to pay the 40 dollar annual fee and would probably have to pay it again if I get a new membership for a different location. Unfortunately it won’t allow me to upgrade, probably because I had that variety of membership years ago and stopped paying it. I went to the gym almost everyday for about a month before leaving Vegas and my strength and shape just begun to return.
I have the money to rent a room but it’s difficult to justify the expense of $150 to $200 per week when I’m only making $500 a week or so and I don’t know what the situation is going to be like in consideration of the last 2 rooms I’ve rented. I’m thinking I can get a hotel Saturday for $40 to relax and refresh. That’s what I intended to do and then have the POF chic come over, and hopefully I can find a replacement before then.
Otherwise maybe I’ll shower twice a week at a pilot and rent a cheap hotel once per week until I finish this job. I may have to get a gym membership but I also need time to continue developing lessons and writing my material as a book. I still need to figure that out.
I still need to change my timing chain and I’ll probably also change my headgasket since I’ll be most of the way there. My car runs cool which is an indication that the headgasket isn’t healthy and the car was probably driven overheated by the previous owners because of the water pump. I have a friend who lives about an hour from here who told me he’d let me use his driveway to do it.
Still a mess, trying to work through it and hoping this car stays running until this job is over and I can change the chain.
Last night while I was in a parking lot a person moved quickly past my car and it appeared he had a gun in his hand. Upon further inspection it was actually his cell phone, where the light from the phone at a blurred glance appeared as reflective metal. If this was a suspect running from police and mistaken for a gun, it still wouldn’t be grounds to use deadly force according to The Criteria for Deadly Force even if it were a gun since the suspect is not an immediate threat to life until he begins to position himself to become an immediate threat by beginning to point the gun. Obviously if the gun is actually a cell phone, upon further inspection that discovery will be made if officers are thinking through the criteria. It was interesting to me because unless you see a cell phone appear as a gun it can be difficult to imagine a cell phone appearing as a gun.
I had a few thoughts concerning Covid 19 after a pawn shop owner asked me if I had a mask. He was actually the second pawn shop owner enforcing a mask policy. I visited a pawn shop the previous day with the same result. Same result in terms of the item I was seeking and enforcement of a mask policy. Years ago I bought a Milwaukee drill from a pawn shop for about 40$, but these pawn shops in Texas are selling used shit at damn near retail prices.
In addition to these pawn shops the Walmart whose parking lot I temporarily call home (lol) had security at the door who informed me I have to wear a mask in the store.
While this may seem standard, previous establishments in the Dallas FortWorth area did not ask me to.
For the first few days I thought I was in Texas.
A place where liberty asserts that each individual can decide their own risk so long as in doing so they don’t increase anyone’s elses risk of an undesirable outcome.
Where people have the common sense to understand which segments of the population are at risk for a severe outcome if infected with the flu, and can understand when another virus creates the same symptoms across the same segments that this virus is of comparable strength, the distinction being that covid is more contagious, and the flu is more dangerous to children. 99% of the population will experience varying degrees of sickness and recovery, while less than 1% of the sickest people, typically those with about a year left to live will die if infected.
I thought Texans had the common sense to reason that if we didn’t take excessive measures to protect the weakest members of the population from the flu who will die if infected, it doesn’t make sense to take excessive precautions to protect the vulnerable portion of the population from a virus of roughly equal strength.
I thought maybe Texans could see that these restrictions are a product of the exaggerated danger being peddled to serve the interests of the media, in attracting attention to their broadcasts since danger creates concern, concern attracts attention, and the media makes more money the more attention they attract.
This exaggerated danger is peddled by politicians because 1: it presents an opportunity for them to increase the quality of their image to the public through the presentation of concern and compassion which are qualities that are valued by the public; albeit more in idea than in practice. 2: because the exaggerated danger and restrictions serve the interest of certain industies, who are their donors, friends, and the ultimate deciders of public policy.
I thought maybe Texans might be able to understand how those who are involved in the study of viruses whose opinions control the minds of the masses have an interest in the opportunity to be in the spotlight and feel important by exaggerating the danger. Especially since the media selects experts to provide opinions based on how that expert’s opinions fit the narrative that achieves the highest ratings. Experts who are paid to tell you objective truth are contaminated by moral ideas that if they present the virus as being more dangerous their interpretation could save someones life, or more likely extend it by 1 to 12 months as they linger in this world in diminished capacity. In 94% of fatalities 2.5 serious and advanced underlying medical conditions are present on average.
Forget about my misconceptions concerning Texas. I thought that as depraved of integrity that this country was founded on and has proceeded with, that the rule of law would still protect the liberty that the founders embedded in the constitution afforded to all to protect themselves from the republic they were creating.
I thought someone involved in law would recognize that a precedent invoking the use of emergency power to allow the public to protect itself from a virus with a 30% random fatality rate, is much different than a virus with a less than 1% fatality rate that is not randomly deadly and only kills the weakest members of the population. More importantly, I thought the courts, with intelligent people capable of basic arithmetic would be capable of weighing the evidence quantitatively, as opposed to allowing opinions about the evidence to be the evidence. That’s the most disheartening aspect of the covid insanity, because all we have is the courts, and if we’ve lost the courts as clearly we have, there’s no limit to the tyanny that can be unleashed on an ignorant public to serve the powerful interests in this country.
My experience is limited to the DFW area and has exceeded my expectations so far in the limited interaction that I’ve had with people. As far as other things that make Texas appealing from a distance, that Texas is probably rural Texas or Texas ouside the major cities.
On tour bus tales I heard a story about a famous country song writer. He was with his newly divorced ex wife at a bar I think shortly after breaking his neck. There was a man who was interested in his exwife and was berating him. He was paitent with the man, but the man percieved his paitence as him being weak or afraid and eventually crossed a line and the writer had to let him know. The man wielding a knife challenged him to a fight in the bathroom. The writer walked into the bathroom and shot him in the face but did not kill him.
The country song writer claimed the man grabbed a gun before he went in the bathroom, but there was no gun. It justs sounds better in court to say you shot a man in the face who had a gun as opposed to shooting a man in the face who only had a knife. To me there isn’t much difference because if he doesn’t shoot him he’s going to be subjected to great bodily harm or death the with a knife the same as with a gun.
At court when asked why he went in the bathroom he said “I’m from Texas, I aint no chicken shit”. Even less of a chicken shit to say that to a jury in court, but shows his honesty and integrity none the less.
More interesting to me is that the jury found him not guilty. It was the right decision according to the law. Why? Because here is a man with a woman he just divorced with a gun in his pocket who allows the man to get away with effectively bullying him, and did not seek a confrontation with the man to intimidate or use the weapon to harm him. There is no intent to cause any harm. Only after the other man escalates the situation and the country song writer is stuck between relingushing his dignity or facing down an able bodied man with a knife who he had no intention of harming does he fire a shot to protect his person and dignity. I liked Texas for that outcome.
What I liked even more than this is the man who was charged with beating to death the pedophile who molested his son. A jury found him not guilty.
Those stories to me and others like them represent the idea that Texans will do what they believe is right
While there are many crimes, even most crimes, that are necessitated by circumstances or impose more imposition than they prevent which is immoral, sex crimes do not. Sexual assault, well actual sexual assault (actual being forced sexual act not an unwanted touch from someone who didn’t know his or her advance was unwanted) is without justification. Outside pedophilia sexual assault is unjustifiable because any sexual desire can be fulfilled by supplying a person with something of enough value for them to participate in that sexual act with you. Whether it be their desired behavior from you, money, or some other material you can gain through an investment of time.
As harm goes I have no sympathy for those who harm children. Although the pedophile has no outlet for his desire, there is no room for the expression of his desire because it is inherently harmful or imposing. The same as if you derrived pleasure from killing. The bigger problem is that your value of the act is greater than your value of a childs well being, where the act feels better than what should be the low you experience in the idea of harming a child. I don’t have a problem with you being beat to death even if the law hasn’t caught up to the severity of the offense.
More unfortunate for the pedophile is that assistance to change his values is limited to psycholgy that doesn’t acknowlege objective morality or how the mind perceives reality as objects in motion, and creates assignments to these objects of cause or effect, true or false, right or wrong, and value as measured in the feelings that objects in motion produce, to determine the motion of the being. They don’t understand the subconcious processing of the decision making process, or cycle of mood. Unfortunately it would be up to him to change his values. Still I like the sentiment that if you harm children we will kill you.
A conflicting conclussion is I think many non-pedophilia sexual assault and especially sexual harrassment incidence are overblown. Let me clarify that anything that involves forced penetration is not overblown. In general, even for legitmate cases of sexual assault which are unjustifiable, the impact and significance is overblown.
Victims are exploited by groups and media personalities who have an interest in exploiting the person’s experience for material gain. Victims are bombarded with expectations of how they’re supposed to feel and internalze these expectations allowing the incident to be much more significant to their lives than it ought to be. You had probably on average an uncomfortable half hour of life and you allow this experience to define who you are as a person. Of course there is the motivation that comes from the attention they receive and the sympathy and encouragement they receive from others. For some victims indoctrinated ideas about sex itself is responsible for the prolonged mental anguish victims subject themselves to. For many victims the experience becomes an excuse for all their short comings. This is a controversial although often true opinion about sexual assault victims, who express about the incident mostly what they’re told they should feel and how significant the effect should be on their life.
Aside from those court cases I’ve also been a fan of the music Texas has produced. In the tour bus tales acts like whalen jennings, and Willie Nelson among others who were rejected by nashville came to Texas. The other day I wondered about the impact that music and appetite for originality and creative freedom molded the culture to produce some of the great artists Texas has produced, like ZZ Top, AC\DC, UGK, and many others.
I’ve waundered off topic from Covid, but I thought I’d express some of what I liked about Texas, while stating that even Texas has ignorantly given up liberty because the people don’t know how to do a basic comparative risk assessment and instead accept opinion as fact.
It’s about 3pm on Sunday. I purchased a reduced price sandwich at Walmart that proved to be below my very low standards of food quality and taste.
This morning after checking out of the hotel and cleaning out my car I watched a few videos on changing my timing chain some of which I’ve watched previously. I made a list of the tools I need to change the timing chain that I do not already possess. I’m becoming more familar with the process and have very few points of uncertainty. After I deposit my check tomorrow I’ll order the parts.
Friday night I went by my friend from Milwaukee (West Allis) had a few drinks and we were going to go out somewhere but it didn’t materialize. At one point I began to try to teach him SCA and he had a structure with 4 pillars which promised to facilitate a symbolic representation of the four subconcious assignments. Unfortunately he was either too drunk or uninterested to grasp or acknowledge the concepts.
Saturday, I rented a room. Being how unsuccessful I’d been trying to pull a POF chic for the night it was unlikely I was going to find somebody on the night. I tried with the expected results using traditional methods.
These basic ass bitches, and there isn’t many distinctions, where you can read 1000 profiles so similar you’d think they were written by 7 or 8 different people.
Among the popularly valued cliches is no games just keep it real. The problem is women can’t stand to hear real shit. Part of the reason I posted my investment of time categories on my profile is to weed out the crowd of women who can’t stand reality. Lately that net has become more like a barrier.
Most women on dating apps are undercover 2s. They want to go out or hang out, and give you some pussy. Despite having this intention, most will not admit to this intention prior to meeting someone. Many of the same ones with the no games keep it real profile cliches.
The difficulty in different approches, or efforts to 2 through the conversation that develops between message exchanges is these chics ain’t got no conversation. Their whole perception of reality is based on a mixture of common misconceptions that funnel their likes into a few different genres of goods and entertainment. They don’t know the difference between a fact and an opinion, they only know the difference between what they like or do not like. They don’t know the difference between consistency and contradiction. Two things can exist in their minds despite one of the things causing the other thing to not be true because the thing causes the person to feel good. In this the subconcious mind likely prevents the conscious acknowledgement of the relationship between the 2 contradictory objects to preserve the value of the object, which is a function of denial. I’m supposed to be interested in someone whose goals and ideas are based on a perception of reality that is manufactured and false? Yes a perception of reality that consists of false assignments is false.
The most important aspect of intelligence is honesty. If I’m going to hang out with you I at least want you to be able to stomach some real shit, and I also want to know that you intend to give me pussy if you have a good time. I definitely don’t want to invest time and money into you and you’re on some 1 shit.
I was a little side tracked here in providing explanations, but the point is, I don’t care to go through the typical get to know you process, because there isn’t a whole lot of interesting substance to you. I can lie a little to advance an interest but I can’t lie a lot. Eventually you call it negging, when all I’ve done is told you the truth and probably pulled a couple jokes out of it.
My short comings as far as results are concerned whether with women or otherwise isn’t a product of not understanding women or human beings, its a product of integrity where if I have to become something else to get those results there will be a negative feeling resulting from a loss of self worth for mirroring values instead of asserting my own, and depending on the consequence to the woman concerning the deception there would be an additional bad feeling (morally) for using deception. The value of smashing is not greater than the negative feeling that will occur for distorting her reality, and not greater than the feelings of maintaining my integrity.
I spammed what you doing tonight messages and some others that were more to the point. I was seriously considering getting head from a TS. I knew I wouldn’t feel great about it afterwards, but I was thinking the experience itself may have some general mood enhancing properties. The anticipated negative feeling would be a reduction in self worth stemming from feeling as if I settled due to a failure to attract the preferred gender. Addtionally, although I have no problem with what any two people of any gender consent to do with one another, my self worth suffers from participating in such a rational act. By that I mean there will be additional negative feels or the amplification of negative feelings because of ideas I have about homosexuality that are not rooted in morality, but related to things that doesn’t mesh well with the perception I have of myself.
Dating apps for me are like fishing in the fall, you typically make a lot of casts before you get any action(fall fishing may be better in different regions, but fall fishing in Wisconsin is much less exciting than summer fishing). The point is to use the right bait to get the action that you want.
I was only pissed off by one response and mainly because the bitch blocked me after she sent it so I couldn’t respond.
I messaged her 2 days ago asking her if she wanted to get on some 2 or 3 shit with me and have a better night on Saturday than she otherwise would have. I followed this message up by telling her I might be going to a bar later with my guy and if she had plans to kick it with one of her buddy’s (had multiple pictures of her drinking and hanging out with friends) maybe we could meet up. The first message also directed her to read my profile.
This morning she messaged me back that she was good on that BS. Of course I wasn’t on no BS, I was on some real shit and just because she wasn’t on it doesn’t make it BS. I don’t have a problem with her being good on it, there’s a lot of 1s and even more fronting 1s out there.
The issue I had is she sent another message calling me crazy and saying I needed help. I’d contend that she needs help, like help to justify why anything I wrote constitutes craziness. As I’ve provided in this entry, my approach is completely consistent with my values and a solid basis of reasoning. There’s nothing crazy about it but had she not blocked me I was going to ask her what her basis is for calling me crazy? She wouldn’t have been able to provide one that would have met the definition of the word crazy. In fact it would have probably began with “you think women are” or “will” insert intentions stated or implied from my message or profile. She probably wouldn’t be able to distinguish a fact from an opinion, where the fact that is the meaning of the word crazy would be lost, and her opinions based largely on the difference between my values and hers would serve as a fact to her that she was right that I was crazy.
A better example of the inability to distinguish fact from opinion occurred with an exchange I had with a woman who subscribed to the NOI blacks are the real jews conspiracy. Her profile said casual dating no committment which attracted my interest. The following exchange proves the inability to distinguish fact from opinion and the propensity of human beings to choose fact based on feeling as opposed to fact based on observation.
Wow, some of the shit I say is pretty funny “if you’re in my presence for any significant period of time you’re going to have a hard time keeping your mouth closed or your pantys on”. Laughed when I read that back.
I know this as a general rule of human function so it isn’t just women. Women understand the market value of pussy, not monetarily, but the difference in availability between a consenting male and a consenting female. Not to mention the ingrained misconceptions about sex and promiscuity that also contaminate women’s behavior as they seek to promote a conservative image based on social pressures. These social pressures exist as a product of the misconceptions about sex and promiscuity, which have their origins in deities created by man to control men.
Women, even fat ugly women can find someone to have sex with any day of the week. When I’m talking about a 1, although I described a common form of a 1 in the categories, I’m basically talking about a woman trying to get something more than the satisfaction of company, an activity, or sex for sex.
Anyway, you take enough shots eventually you make one. But it’s a little rough when it’s been awhile since you’ve made a shot.
While sitting in my car, I can’t help but to notice how pathetic my life is right now. I think about what I could or should be doing but exactly what I’m doing is what I can be doing. I cannot really focus on much else until I get this timing chain fixed. I also need this money from this job.
I reordered the website promotional cards that were partially distributed in Brookfield, Wauwatosa, Greenfield, and with my greeting cards. In the previous effort the cards failed to attract any worthwhile attention. I need to put together a better website that’s more engaging visually, as well as a better home page, perhaps one asking questions. I suppose I need to put my material together into something that is easier for people to understand. I also need an introductory summary pitch of the material itself, and although it is simple there is a great breadth of subject matter, presentation, and application. One of something I’m on is a lot of peoples whole purpose.
Idk. I’m finishing out this week, changing my timing chain, and then I’ll figure out what comes next.
When I say I think about suicide while working it isn’t the work itself, it is the idea that whether it be this or some other shit like it, that there are many days ahead, and that slave to the clock life is not worth it to me. (There was a part where I was recording contradictions and asserting inferences where I discussed recurring thoughts and feelings about work while working) Mainly because even if I eventually make a lot of money doing something I don’t like doing, what I can get with the money is not more satisfying than the work is unsatisfying. That is to say the amount of time it would take to accumulate enough money to do what I want to do, is greater than my ability to perform the work, whereas the gradual consumer increased quality of life experienced by most people through money, doesn’t increase my quality of life.
In life happiness derrived through liberty is a product of A: performing work that provides you adquate time and money to do the things you like to do. or B: performing work you like you doing.
Maybe I should have tried to rent a room, but the truth is I didn’t have money for a room last week, albeit there was probably 70 to 100 dollars that I may have been able to trim off. Even if I did it’s very difficult to justify a $200 weekly expense. Some would consider that a necessity, but I consider it a luxery from this posistion. I believe I started the week last week with about $500. I ended on $60 after paying my phone bill with nearly all spending being sn investmemt. Had I rented a room I’d have had to go without shit I needed. This week too I’ve already spent about $250 on parts for my car, gas, and business cards. I still need at least about $40 to $80 in tools.
Even in this, after I change my timing chain I might want to be up, regardless of how much it makes sense to work at least another week or until the job is done and go somewhere to promote or stay here and promote.
Few thoughts I had about my surroundings after work.
I showered at a pilot that was home to a Hitchcock like flock of birds. More than 1000. I was worried when they flew overhead because the sheer number of birds made it seem likely that at least 1 might have to shit, and it seemed possible that I was in danger of being shit on. I joked to myself that what they didn’t tell the employees is that at some point if you work there long enough you will be shit on on the trip to your car. Probably not, but I was calling the probably 2000 birds, a 100,000 birds and thought out of 100 trips theres a decent chance you could be shit on. I’ve been shit on at least once by a bird and I was beneath more birds on my walk to the pilot than I have been in my entire life cumulatively. Some of those workers have been shit on.
While I was driving from the pilot to this weeks Walmart, a lane was merging from oncoming traffic from the left. I saw a jeep flash his brights. I saw another car that was nearly along side of me as the lane was reducing from 2 to 1. I presume he put his lights on to tell me to speed up. The problem is my timing chain is fucked up and I believe we were on an incline. I can’t speed up. First thing I thought was good mother fucker, that’s why you don’t wait until the last mother fucking second to merge thinking the guy in front of me will speed up to let me in because the guy in front of you might not be able to speed up. Often more importantly, the guy behind you might not be able to stop quick enough to let you in. Look for opportunities to merge or position yourself to merge before the lane merges and you’re stuck between 2 cars and maybe almost cause an accident. (I don’t know how close he really was but it seemed he was almost on my side as the lane began to narrow.
Thankfully I had friend who lives near where I’m working who was willing to let me use his garage because changing the timing chain is not a job I could have done in the street. Not the first time at least.
I arrived at his house at 8:00am on Saturday. The disassembly began very smooth until I needed to remove the belt tensioner and the motor mount bracket attached to the engine. I didn’t have a 15mm or an 18mm wrench, only sockets, and there wasn’t sufficient room to fit a ratchet and socket into the space. I gave my friend $20 to purchase the wrenches for me as he was going to Homedepot to purchase a space heater.
Before he returned with the wrenches, I carefully raised the engine to gain access to the bolts. I was apprehensive about raising the engine that high, raising it in small intervals to ensure no wires or hoses were being stretched or pinched.
One of the difficulties I was having was positioning the engine to top dead center. I could find it by pushing a screwdriver through the spark plug hole, with the cams positioned at 10 and 2 O clock but I didn’t know how to turn the crank with anything other than the crankshaft bolt, and I couldn’t remove the crank cam sprocket with the bolt on and I couldn’t remove the crank sprocket for the balancing chain with the bolt on. I also couldn’t remove the crank bolt without turning the engine. I know now that I could have used the harmonic balancer to turn the engine but didn’t think about this at the time. Had I, this job wouldn’t have been half as difficult and stressful as it was.
Around 630 pm, I decided I wasn’t going to change the balancing chain. I repaced the guides but left the sprockets. The chain at some point moved meaning the marks were no longer lined up. This occurred when I was trying to change the sprockets. I was looking for a good stopping point and found it when Randy invited me in for a drink of Johnny Walker Gold.
We drank the whole bottle. The first sip I had was perhaps the most amazing sip of alcohol I’ve ever had. I told him he was wasting his good alcohol by mixing it with cola, and he said it doesn’t taste that good, it’s no Shamrock shake. I usually drink scotch on ice, but he didn’t have ice and I’m glad he didn’t because JW gold was outstanding at room temperature undiluted.
Somewhere around 10pm, we finished the bottle. Then we took an Uber to uptown Dallas. There were some interesting stories, I had an altercation with some people on the street and with security. There were other notable incidents that took place that I won’t share for fear of harming his interests. I think we made it back to his house about 4am.
I woke up at 8:30am. I went out to the car and realized I was in a lot of trouble. I already installed the new tensioner on the balance chain and the balance chain was off the marks by many links.
I found a youtube video where a person showed that the tensioner could be reset. His tensioner was for a different vehicle and much different than mine but it showed me that it could be reset. For his he had to pull the plunger out to reset it whereas for me I had to push it in and turn it to insert the pin. Mine was easier.
Once the tensioner was reset I removed all the guides, the chain, and the sprocket for the crankshaft on the balancing chain. The water pump sprocket, the intake sprocket and exhaust sprocket on the balancing chain I left alone. There wasn’t much wear and once I had the intake, exhaust, and crank sprockets in the correct position I didn’t want to fuck with em. I installed the new balancing chain and it was onto the main chain.
My cams were out of position but my crank was in the correct position. Without the chain on, I used the 24mm wrench to put my cams in the correct posistion.
Putting the chain on and ensuring.the marks were aligned with the colored links wasn’t very difficult except in keeping the crank link in the correct position. The intake cam was the first to go on along with the crank but there was slack between the crank sprocket and intake cam and I needed that slack to get the exhaust cam in the correct spot. I was able to guide that slack up the crank sprocket but it fell and moved the crank link out of position more than once. Irritating.
Eventually I was able to get a few links on the exhaust cam. Then I turned the intake cam to pull the slack between the intake and exhaust cam. I also had to rotate the exhaust cam to get the exhaust phaser\sprocket to sit on the cam shaft.
As I was putting everything back together having not eaten anything the whole day I was thinking about where I was going to eat. After putting the valve cover back on my friend surprised me with a huge steak. I’d cut a fat piece of the steak and chew it as I put my spark plugs back in. Then get another bite and chew it as I completed the next assembly task.
I was apprehensive about starting the car. When I did it turned over, loudly at first and then the idle quickly went low and steady, something I hadn’t heard from it before.
I was moved emotionally in relief. So much was at stake. If I fucked up I’m fucked. The car right now is not only transportation, but also shelter and the facilitator of my income. In November, I left Milwaukee with $800, a back pack of clothes, and laptop bag. If I can’t start the car I’m back to about $800, the same back pack, and laptop bag. There was also a lot of shit that had to go right to get here. I would have left, I hadn’t thought about where but I wasn’t going to impose on my guy just because he was well off.
When I started the car to leave there was a squeal from the belt. I didn’t think too much of it and it went away when I pulled out. I drove and the car ran better than I could have imagined.
About a mile away perhaps further the battery light came on. I stopped at the nearest gas station and looked under the hood to check the belt. The squeal and the battery light led to the presumtion that the belt fell off and the alternator was no longer charging the battery. The belt was gone. I looked under the passenger wheelwell to see if I could see it. It was gone and I noticed oil comming from the crankshaft. I presumed either I hadn’t tightend the crankshaft bolt tight enough or I didn’t push the harmonic balancer in far enough. The bolt came loose the pulley came out which caused the belt to fall off.
It was about 9pm and the part stores were closed. I went back to my friends house and explained the situation to him. He asked me what I wanted to do. I asked him to spend the night and intended to take a lift to and from work buy a belt and tighten the bolt in the morning. I was concerned I may have damaged the gasket on the timing cover that goes around the crank shaft bolt. A lyft was $80 from his house to where I’m working so I asked him if he’d give me a ride in the morning.
I was very upset, an odd feeling of helplessness despite having help, disgusted that my neglect may have just supremely fucked me.
I woke up at about 4:30am. I thought why go to work pay an exorbitant amount of money to get back and then fix the car when I could have him give me a ride to the parts store and fix the problem and go to work late? I went to the car, tightened the crank shaft bolt and after replacing the belt I was good.
The whole weekend including going out was mentally and emotionally taxing even for a man with few emotions.
Yesterday I made a mistake I felt bad about. My intentions are typically correct and I usually don’t act without certainty, but yesterday I fucked up and I was bothered by it after work as well as today.
While working this job I was upset about other contractors obstructing the doorways. We’re bringing furniture into the rooms all day and it is aggravating when the door ways are obstructed.
I began putting the materials that were left in the doorways in the bathroom which was the furthest place from where they could be. If I have to move it they have to move to it back.
Eventually I found out who was doing it and told them what I was doing and why I was doing it. Basically if you make shit hard on us we’re going to make shit hard on you, where we both understand that we’re all better off to make things easier on one another. It was funny, one of the contractors told me he went to the truck to get wood because he thought the wood I put in the bathroom wasn’t there anymore. We laughed about it.
In the days following the doorways were cleared and I told our people about the conversation so they wouldn’t put boxes in their work area. I had to move some boxes out of their area to do my part.
Things were better but over the past few days I noticed more stuff in the door ways so I started putting that stuff back in the area I thought it came from.
Yesterday I went into a room and the doorway was cleared but we had a couch in a box just past the doorway and we needed to swap dressers. Behind the couch were cabinet materals and other shit. I took those materials and put them in the cabinet work area. I also accidently kicked over a bucket of screws.
Later I felt bad for this. In the moment it felt like shit was put in the way to be in our way but there was no expectation not to put the materials in other places, so long as the door way was unobstructed. I felt bad because in hindsight it seemed like someone made the extra effort to keep their shit out of the doorway, and then I made it hard on them after they tried to make it easy on me.
Now, as I think about it, I may have been correct in the moment and wrong retrospectively, since the scrap material was placed in the area where they knew the couch would go. However, the couch still boxed was in the space outside of the doorway where the scrap could be placed without obstructing the doorway.
I rarely feel bad because my behavior is always consistent with my morality, but when I think I fucked up I do feel bad about it. I bring this up as an example of my conscience, because there are not many examples. In fact if I were asked today when was the last time I felt bad for something I did it would be difficult for me to produce an example.
The other day the Chief of Operations brought up a misconception that I’ve heard before, that pants sagging originated from gay people in prison advertising that they were interested in sex. As someone who has been to jail and prison as a juvenile and as an adult I can attest to it being false. Some people in prison sagged, but of the few open homosexuals I’ve been incarcerated with they did not sag their pants. It’s a poor advertisement, where most wore tight pants around their waist which naturally provides a better look at their figure (like women) than sagging their pants.
People sag their pants for a variety of reasons, typically style and comfort, sometimes because your pants are too short which I suppose falls under style, but very few if any people sag their pants advertising for a homosexual encounter. A pair of pants worn tightly around the waist is a much better advertisement than is sagging.
I have to imagine this misconception probably arose from some effort by white people to criticize urban style and to prevent their suburban, rural, and even urban children from adopting it.
Today I was somewhat put in charge of the other laborers. The main instructions were to ensure that people understood what they were suposed to do and that each person pulled their weight relative to the curve of the crew.
I don’t want anyone to feel like someone else is being paid for the work they’re doing, which is essentially what is happening when 5 people are working and one 1 person is not. Prior to today that hasn’t been much of an issue, the crew has worked exceptionally.
I was told to send anyone down who wasn’t pulling their weight. There was an older gentleman who came late. I explained to him the details of what we were doing and left to perform my share of the work. We all were clearing rooms and he was in one room. One of my coworkers commented to me that the guy was still in the same room. I’d also noticed it and told him I’d talk to him.
I went in the room he was in and told him it’s a fast process. Then I provided the example by clearing the room and bringing a box out of the room and taking it near the point where it would be offloaded. When I returned he was still in the same room for which there was no purpose for him to be in. I told him to go see the Cheif of Operations as instructed.
Later it seemed another guy was fucking off as well. After we finished clearing the 5th floor we went to the 4th floor to unbox but it appeared as if there was nothing to unbox so we were going to go to the third floor.
We were missing a guy so I went to the 4th floor to get him. I thought he was behind me but he must have lingered behind. On the 4th floor I saw the Senior Installer and he said there were tables after the hall turned on the 4th floor that needed to be unboxed. The crew and myself began unboxing the tables. Finished the floor and went to the 3rd. The person who was on the 5th and told we were going to the 3rd didn’t join us until we were already into the second. He claimed it was a communication issue, but the issue was when I went to get him, he had no business on the floor he was on and should have been with me but instead chose to linger behind.
On the second floor I told him which boxes we were unboxing, luggage benches where there were 2 per box and one went across the hall, and rolling tables. I didn’t know this at the time, but he was unboxing a very large piece of furniture he was not supposed to be unboxing. As a result, we cleared another floor and he completed 2 or 3 rooms. The Senior Installer told him to stick with me but I moved on from him, telling the Senior Installer I’m not going to baby sit and being on the brink of sending him to the Cheif of Operations..
Shortly after the Cheif of Operations came to the floor and in conversation I provided him my observations of the individual’s performance, suggesting that he too may be more of an asset outside than inside.
Once we moved to a different task he was keeping pace and performed quite well. I told him that I might have had the wrong impression of his work ethic and provided him the explanation for that impression. The rest of the day he performed on par with the rest of us.
The reason I’m writing about this is because of what happend later. I was instructed by the Senior Installer to call the Cheif of Operations. I call him the owner despite the fact that his wife may officially be the owner.
I called the CO and he told me to have the two people who had been with us to come with me and meet him upstairs and for the other two to take a smoke break and meet him in the lobby.
The three of us went upstairs and received our instructions and one of my coworkers came with me to begin our task.
During the time I was upstairs I gave both of them a good review and since I was asked I recomended that both of them return.
When we arrived on the 1st floor the they were picking up trash in rooms we’d already cleared. One detail I forgot to mention is the guy I sent out at the beginning of the day was assigned to cleaning up outside and eventually ended up cleaning on the first floor. I was instructed to have all three of them take a smoke break and wait in the lobby. Since we were near the stair well and they were on the 1st floor I delegated the responsibility to them since they were going to the same place and presumably had time to find him since they were told to take a smoke break.
When I saw them I asked one of them if they were available tomorrow since the CO planned on bringing them back. He said I don’t know I’ll talk to the CO about that. What I presume happened, is they told the other guy what the owner told me to tell them. He probably said I’m working for the CO not working for him (me), so I’m going to keep working. They agreed that they would ignore the message I relayed and keep working. For 13 dollars, what they gained in working an extra hour they fucked up our working relationship.
I was pissed off about this, mainly because it implied that I was trying to take the instructions I’d been given and play a role that I wasn’t assigned, or pretended to have more importance than I actually did, and I didn’t do that at all. I’ve had 0 issues in over 2 weeks with anyone I’ve worked with. The exception was that on an occasion when a person who had insecurity issues and a mild paranoia implied I was being insincere to him I told him to kiss my ass. But we were cool before that and we were cool after that. I was offended by that, because I pride myself on my sincerity.
Whatever the reason was that they didn’t listen to the owner and take a break and then wait for him in the lobby, I now feel like fuck both of them. All day I’m cool respectful, and don’t say nothing to them unless it’s been told to me by the CO or SI, or I’m making a joke which I often am. The only authority I aserted which really wasn’t even the assertion of authority was when the guy was fucking off or seemed like he was fucking off. The reason being is the rest of the team knows I’m responsible for making sure they’re not carrying someone elses weight.
I don’t like to write about work but I don’t have time for much else right now.
At the end of the day for whatever reason the SI told me to tell one of my coworkers to see him in the lobby. He didn’t go see him right away he met me in tbe room where we had our stuff. This of course is a different set of circumstances, where in one situation, instructions are given on how they will proceed while the work day is ongoing, and in the other, we’re going home and we pass through the lobby to do so. It doesn’t make sense from the 2nd floor to go to the 1st to meet the SI then go to the 3rd to get his stuff and then back the 1st to leave.
Dangerously cold weather on Sunday and Monday have forced me indoors. Also the need to relax after fixing my timing chain and to consider my plan moving forward. The two months I spent in Vegas were much slower than this past month leaving Vegas. This month has moved quickly which is partially a product of working the job I’ve been working for almost 3 weeks, and partially based on meeting the demands of my circumstances. This has put distance between the things that are important to me, albeit the allocation of time to those things that I’ve alocated time to has been necessary to position myself to advance valued objects.
Very few people have an interest in reading about things they’re interested in, much less things they have few points of reference for. The main reason the interview I did in Austin was such a train wreck was the immediate circumstances I was faced with, including the absence of weed. Another reason I thought I performed so poorly was because the interviewer wasn’t familar with my content to ask any questions related to it. I intend to put together an interview as if I was interviewing myself with another person asking the questions.
I would like to do a Sequencing and Comparison video. It can consist of a person providing 10 thoughts or a conversation where SCA can be demonstrated as the underlying functions that produced the thoughts or ideas in the conversation. Where each objects assignments can be shown.
More immediately I have a Valentines Day article to write which is more the retiteration of concepts of behavioral function that I’ve written before but assembled to better illustrate the basis of human relationships and what love is.
I have the 3rd lesson with no questions to edit and post which is CDIARP.
After that I want to go through and edit and organize these Texas entries.
I need to consider how I’m going to organize my material and website into something that isn’t just words.
The more pressing issue is where am I going to go and what I’m going to do when this work project concludes?
What a waste of semi comfort. Bovada solicited me with a bonus a day or two prior to me renting a room for 4 days. The bonus was too good to pass up and my 30$ turned to 80$ instantly. A day later I cashed out for 60 some dollars. Only a 30$ gain but it only.cost me 10 minutes of time to do it.
There was another bonus I wanted to take advantage of so I moved the money back to get the next bonus. The problem was to withdraw this bonus there are play through requirements. A mix of playing well with good reads and getting ridiculously sucked out on, and then playing shit cards, making bad reads, and making bad calls and raises because I was pissed off that the one finaly table I did make it to I was knocked out by consecutive or near consecutive hands where we moved all in and was sucked out on twice on the river to 3 outers. 8th is 45$ and 1st is $1000.
I was also distracted because I thought or may have been double charged on the room. My transactions on my bank app show a pending charge of 185.84, plus a $50 deposit. Then the hotel charged me again but they claim the 185.84 is just a hold on funds and won’t be taken. The transactions are still pending so I can’t dispute the transactions and won’t know if I’ll have to until it goes through. I was pissednoff about this until Sunday night until I was somewhat reassured I wasn’t being double charged by the 3rd front desk person I spoke to.
I consolidated the 2DFW articles and edited most of it. I wrote an article about Valentine’s Day which was really just an excuse to write about human motivation in relationships. I took the article down because much of what I wrote there I’ve wrote here. I also inserted explanations for my own lack of romantic relationships. It was done in part to address the perception of a lens, certain conclusions people could draw. Also motivated in part by conclusions I was drawing about my self that impacts self worth.
I would have felt better had I at least posted balance in morality and lesson 3 CVIARP: Understanding the Points of Action In A Consciously Created Result.
I think what I need to do is hire someone to learn my material. $10 to $15 an hour and I can accomplish a lot in a few hours. Maybe. At least be able to make a video.
Im back in the car. It’s going to be cold but still in high teens. The night before I checked into the hotel it was low 20s high teens and I was comfortable.
It is very stupid to critisize the Texas energy grid due to the infrequentcy of the event that caused the freezing oand bursting of pipes used to supply fuel for electricity generation. If this occurs once every 20 to 30 years why would you spend money to prevent against it? Im not talking about the power companies spending money I’m talking about the consumers spending money. If the power companies invest billions of dollars to protect against extreme cold that Texas experiences infrequently, that cost is going to be passed down to the consumers. Texans pay on average about $100 per month for electricity.
1st if the grid were upgraded to protect against extreme cold it is going to be subsidzed and on a state budget that money is going to have to come from somewhere. Since 2020 was not a strong year economically it is unlikely that money is available through an increase in tax revenue caused by economic growth. We start with a tax increase. More importantly, if the power companies spend money that cost is going to trickle down to the consumer. Do you want to pay more for energy every month to be protected against an event that you may not see again?
Of course given the great inconvenience it is to live for days with intermittent electricity, the media and public firgures want to attract attention by suggesting this is a problem with the grid and people who they don’t like are to blame.
The hotel staff were correct, my money was refunded. I was asshole for that but it’s really fucking stupid that they hold the price of the room and then charge you again. It apoeared as a pending transaction which means the next banking day it will go through. I.do apologize to the staff and the things I said about them. If I was being double charged those things are true, but in the absence of being double charged their responses were appropreate.
I’ve been better than I am today. My friend from Milwaukee lives in Plano and asked if I wanted to help him out drinking another 1.75 liter of Johnny Walker Black. I had some articles I was going to edit and post but reasoned that it would be good for me to get out of the hotel, socialize, and break the monotony of this daily grind. I could do the edits in the morning.
Must have been the first time in years I threw up drinking. I was so fucked up that I thought the red hue in my vomit was blood when it was actually the hot sauce I had eaten earlier. I didn’t sleep well and have not felt good all day. It did cause me to think about some things for what will prove to be for better or for worse.
We were smoking some weed and I expressed my present outlook to my friend. I have this job that is killing me to perform. It isn’t difficult and the pay is better than I will be making doing anything else, but each day of repetitive motion I feel the sands from the hour glass running out. I explained to him that I have been indirectly invited to work on an upcomming project in Allentown, PA. Until the last deliveries come I can’t see us having more than 2 to 3 days worth of work remaining based on what we have at the hotel. Maybe we stretch it to 4 or 5 days. Then maybe we have a few days off and have a few days after that.
I’ve posted an ad to pay people $15 an hour to learn my material. I’ve received several responses from interested people.
I have what I believe will prove to be a very effective method for teaching SCA. Basically, I intend to create a functional understanding of the term object, including layers, and then go around the room and have the participant comment on objects. Through those comments SCA will be revealed as all the comments will be a product of the 4 assignments. This will lay the foundation for understanding morality functionally, leading into objective morality, where the decison making process among other topics can be explained and understood.
With this strategy fresh in my mind, where I’ll have the details of the initial lesson and a rehearsal by the end of the week if not sooner, what do I want to do? I should have close to $1600 after I’m paid on Monday, and if there are 3 to 4 days work this week I’ll have about $2000. I reduce the pay from $15 to $10 dollars an hour and I can buy 40 hours of teaching time and have about $1600 to float by for a few weeks. I think the divison would probably be 5 hours on 8 people. Even 5 people would probably be adequate. If I record the sessions I can write a paper about it and possibly gain funding to continue the research.
Another possibility is I may be able to gain funding for research assistant staff. If the videos are successful the promotion of the material and content could create demand for the classes where it could become a business or a non-profit with funding very quickly.
I’m still apprehensive about the interview in Austin. There are a number of reasons for my poor performance. Stress from my general circumstances, more specifically living out of a car that could have become nonfunctional at any moment, combined with an inability to make money, and a rushed effort to extract and pitch the most important elements of my material. With this going on I wasn’t appearing as myself, I was appearing as the representative of my material. By that I mean I toned myself down, which is something I do to facilitate comfort for others. I answered questions I wasn’t prepared for very poorly. I was told I would receive the raw footage but he is having difficulties compressing and uploading it. Even with it, it does little to set my mind at ease. There are enough articulate segments to make a video that speaks powerful truth and portrays me in a positive light. I think. There are enough bad parts to make me look like a complete fucking idiot. On my side, he appeared to have a conceptional understanding of much of what I was saying. He’s also a Marxist, which means one of two things to me, 1: He may be committed to communism and then despite my good intentions, sincerity, identification of problems, and ideas that advance human interests, he wouldn’t be an ally because I’m not for socialism. 2: He’s a Marxist because he is for a more equitible distribution of opportunities for people to have time and money. If that’s the case, the only thing I have to worry about is his discretion in what he chooses to use and not to use.
I have to comment about this even if it is probably better left unsaid. I comment about this because of how irresponsible and reckless any intention to engage in the following act is. Before I deleted the POF dating app, there was an ad posted by a very attractive woman basically saying she was trying to get randomly pregnant. I’d never seen anything like it before and presumed it was either a study, a setup, or a bot. I did respond to it, I believe asking the woman what she was doing that evening. I received no response but thought about the implications of responding to it.
1st, had she responded and wanted to meet I would have done that, but I would have pulled out. I mention this in case there is some off chance that the event is used to assert that I would bring a person into this world that I had no intention of taking care of, setting the individual up for great difficulties in life because I wanted to have sex with a crazy person.
By my friends house yesterday there was a single woman. I failed horribly trying to land her. She was Korean and I don’t think she was feeling my style. When we were on the porch my friend came out and handed me the bottle of Johnnie. I handed her the bottle to make a joke knowing that she wasn’t going to drink it. She declined when I handed her the bottle and I said no I don’t want you to drink it, I was just handing it to you to hold because I don’t want to hold it. That didn’t land. Later we were in the house and she was sitting next to me and I was getting some friendly touching in that she didn’t seem to mind. I thought she told me she was 28 and she pretended she was offended because she was actually only 25. I commented that her agitation wasn’t real, that it was a product of social expectations to provide the response she’s been conditioned is appropreate based on the stereotype that woman are supposed to be sensitive about their age. I also explained that the difference in appearance between 25 and 28 is insignficant. What’s worse is I repeated the age because I thought that is what she said, otherwise I would have probably put her at less than 25 because she thought I was older than I actually am. People 30 and up typically put me at about 30 years old, but people who are under 25 can see my age better.
Immediately following this exchange I changed the subject but it was a very poor choice of subjects. I was pretty drunk though and I was interested in seeing how she would respond to an explanation I was told about origins of fake eyelashes. It’s probably not true, but it is true that it was told to me. She had fake eyelashes on and I was told that fake eyelashes became popular in whore houses and were dubbed “Cumbrellas” because it would prevent cum on the protitutes face from getting into her eyes. She left soon after that story.
Finally, a few days ago the owner of the COP was telling a story that led into another story about a young black man who was given a loitering ticket for standing in front of his house without an ID. He told me that the loitering ticket was only $50 but his failure to appear resulted in a $1200 fine that led to the young man having to serve a few weeks in jail for doing nothing other than standing in front of his house.
At the time I was only half engaged in the story, but in my experience failing to appear for citation doesn’t result in any penalty other than a default judgement against the defendent where the defendant is given a certain period of time to pay the ticket otherwise an additional consequence is imposed, the debt either goes to collections, is taken from your tax return, results in jail time, or a suspension of driving privledges. The story seems untrue.
Even if it was true. This is one incident, perhaps the practice of one officer, or maybe even one precinct or department. Even if true it does not represent a standard practice by other police departments in the United States and does not represent systemic racism in policing. If such a policy did exist, and there is some place where they impose a $1200 fine for failing to appear for municipal citation, then 1: he needs to make sure he makes that court date since missing 1 day of work is much better than missing two weeks of work. 2: There are a plethora of black advocate groups that can be contacted, awareness can be created, and the loitering ordiance or law would be changed.
This story was preceded by him saying “I’m not going to tell any black person what their experience is”. Which is fine, but I know that the issues black people face are a product of economic disadvantage, and black people due to past systemic racism are disproportately poor, even if n total numbers there 3 to 4x as many poor white people than there are poor black people. There is no way to quantify racial disadvantage because every quantifable disadvantage is produced by economic disadvantages. I’ve been locked up with plenty of black people, most of whom were incarcerated because they chose to take risks to liberate themselves from impoverished circumstances. The only refuge for those who promote race as a signficant source of discrimination and disadvantage is to assert it in policing. Statistics can be cited without causation, for example, the idea that black people are disproportionately the recipents of deadly force by police based on their total numbers compared to the number that police used deadly force against. Of course when the use of deadly force is compared by race based on the percentage of crimes committed, then each race is the victim of deadly force proportionate to the amount of crimes they commit. Black people commit a disproportionate amount of crimes because they are disproportionately impoverished and poor. Economic inquality and poverty is why we have crime. These are all things in other articles that I’ve cited studies to substantiate.
I’ve written about this condition but I’ve never published it and rarely have spoken about it.
Roughly 15 years ago my lower left gim began swell. I was in the Milwaukee County House of Corrections and did not have access to dental services. I used a staple from some paperwork I had to pierce the swullen area. A brownish substance followed by pus and blood came out.
From that point on the hole would begin to heal but when the fluid would build up I’d push on it and it would open up the hole and I could drain it.
Over the years the characteristics changed. In the last few years there has been very little pus, the content is primarily blood. There is a cyst. I presume a cyst because it’s been there for a number of years and I haven’t experienced any negative health affects that would suggest cancer.
The hole has been harder and harder to reopen over the last maybe 2 years. The area will swell but I’m unable to push it through until it becomes tender. At which point I can push the hole open. After the initial gush of the fluid that pushes the hole open it is as if there are different chambers within the area containing fluid. I press on the areas and there is a bursting sensation as if the fluid is pushing from a chamber into the channel that leads to the hole.
Yesterday my gum felt soft and I tried to push the hole open to drain the blood. I experienced a sensation as if the chambers had collapsed, but the hole didn’t open which created a swelling in my jaw. After work I went to the hospital to have it lanced. The doctor didn’t say as much, but after I explained how it felt like there were chambers in my gum that would burst, he looked and shook his head like “no, there’s no chambers.”
He was cool and agreed to lance my gum. Funny too in that he kept reminding me how gross the shit is, like mother fucker I know. That’s probably the biggest reason I never wrote about it. For years it’s been pretty much just blood and coagulated blood, and usually sealed.
He also told me it is likely caused by a broken tooth. I’m going to have the tooth extracted and see if that heals it.
Overall great experience at Texas Health Harris Methodist Hurst-Euless-Bedford. Great execution at every point made for probably the most efficient service I’ve ever received at a hospital.
The other day the CO brought up toll roads in an effort to demonstrate some point that I cannot remember because it was unrelated. He’s a cool guy, but he makes a lot of paralells that don’t actually paralell the point he’s making. The point of mentioning this is because he said he thought toll roads implied that a person with money’s time is more important than a poor person’s time. Obviously if we quantified the value of time in money this would be true, but what’s missed is how toll roads benefit everyone.
The toll road benefits everyone, even those who can’t afford it because it creates space on the roads that existed before it. The more people who take the toll roads the fewer people there are on the non-toll roads.
I played $25 on Bovada poker games last night. Played like shit and cultivated the results of shit play. Then I woke up today and saw a message on a dating app on my phone. I thought the site was BS based on the nature of the ads and because all the women were from the same city. This morning the ads showed women from different cities in the DFW area. I spent the $12 to purchase some messages. In the responses I received it was clearly all fake or paid people intent on drawing a person into a conversation so they purchase messaging tokens. Very unfortunate, they got me for $12. The medication for my mouth cost me $42 but it could have been $26. I was also prescribed Tylenol 3s that cost $16 and I got em because I anticipated there would be some pain after the numbing medication wore off from the needle and the scalpal pokes into my gum. I eventhough it is only tylenol I haven’t taken any pain medication inawhile so I thought I might feel something from it. I was hoping for like some hydrocodone 5s but I was much too honest about my pain.
I called a dental office today to ask about an appointment and tooth extraction. They had an appointment for today at 10am but the receptionist told me there was no guarentee they would perform the tooth extraction. I didn’t see any point in paying $95 for xrays and an exam without any treatment.
The swelling didn’t decrease overnight. Tylenol seems like a strange choice for the doctor to prescribe for pain since clearly there is a lot of inflamation. I’m not in the medical field but a more appropreate choice for minor pain and to reduce inflamation I think would be ibuprophen. This morning I went to Walgreens and purchased some ibuprophen and within maybe a half hour of taking 600mgs worth the swelling seems to have decreased or at least feels like it has decreased.
I met a woman for drinks on a dating app and she brought a friend with her. I don’t typically write about hook ups, mainly because if I do women will be less likely to hook up with me. I did have some thoughts about this particular woman, but I’m not going to write about it. I had a very poor performance sexually. 10 minutes and was unable to do much with the woman due to her shape and partially her participation in the act.
I did want to write about an example of denial with her friend, where she was choosing the reality she preferred over the reality that it is. I wanted to comment about something I was going to tell her but she didn’t afford me the opportunity to speak. It probably would not have been beneficial for her.
She was gloating about her husband or boyfriend who she is seperated from walking into the bar with his new girlfriend, seeing her and walking out.
She said he’s walked out because he still has feelings for her.
I commented that he may have walked out because he foresaw the possiblity of a problem that he didn’t want to deal with. This seems probable since she clearly still has feelings of attachment for him and she’s been drinking.
The bar had a bring your own bottle policy for a fee because they only had a license to sell beer and wine. This was good because on the drive there I thought they may be trying to take advantage of me. Lured to the bar with the prospect of pussy, and then the guy who has been doing nothing but working is going to buy you and your friend drinks all night. I came prepared to not do that. I was going to explain PROIT to them which stands for pussy return on investment of time had that been the case. I always seek the most promising return on the lowest investment of time. In that situation I’m already $30 of gas into it which represents an hour and a half of time. I’m driving 5 hours total (2.5 hours there and 2.5 hours back) so when I arrive at the bar I’m already 6.5 hours invested in this prospect.
On the subject of PROIT, I spent $12 on beer, and $6 on water for me and a Dr. Pepper for her. We could say the investment of time was about 7.5 hours. It was actually less. 1st, I enjoy driving and I needed to test drive my car for a long road trip I plan on taking, (need to change my wheel bearing) so it isn’t an investment of time because it is something I needed to spend time on and something I like doing. The 5 hours isn’t really 5 hours because it is time spent doing something I wanted to do. The same reason I can’t count the cost of beer or the time at the bar.
None of this should be misconstrued as being unwilling to spend money on women, just that I am aware of the cost, and the I won’t be expoited over the prospect of pussy.
After I commented that he may have been trying to avoid a problem, she said no, it’s because he still has feelings for me and can’t stand to see me.
Obviously I wasn’t going to argue with her because she was unable to accept that he was probably more concerned about the prospect of a problem than he was hurt to see her.
There’s more I’ll write about later about that situation including the mechanism responsible for projections. I want to finish this entry to do something else.
She mentioned he cheated on her I think a dozen times and she stuck with him because he she was loyal and faithful bitch.
Shortly after or maybe some time before (my memory of the time may be off) I was going to tell her what I thought about that. Her experiences with him doesn’t change because he has experiences with other people.
I’ll complete this at a later date.