I’d much rather be creating lessons for my curriculum than writing about my troubles or my life as the two seem synonymous. But it is what it is, the circimstances and the visible opportunities I harvest from them. If what those opportunities produced represented the food supply we’d all starve. My shortcomings indivually, or your short comings as the collective producer of those circumstances? Not throwing stones, but I am aware that I’ve failed to accomplish shit in the 38 years I’ve been here other than my daughter, but anyone who takes pride in themself for the passage of their genes does so because they have nothing else to be proud of. What I mean by that is it isn’t an accomplishment to reproduce although I have contributed to the circumstances that have molded my daughter into a very unique, intelligent, caring, and charismatic daughter, and therin lies the accomplishment.
Personally, if I view myself as an accomplishment, there is the accomplishment of what I understand and apply, and one has seen the world and existence with the clarity with which I see it, understanding SCA, liberty as the basis of morality and functions of motion.
Unfortunately, I’m in a world of people who are governed by feelings they don’t understand, and choose their truth based what needs to be true for them to feel good.
People are divided through the idea that the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So we have two general groups of people who choose a group based on whether they’ve been conditioned to like what one person says over what another person says. They think one side is bad and the other is good and then choose their facts, and are incapable of understanding that both sides are bad. They don’t understand this because they don’t understand how things function, so they’re caught up in politics that is a never ending soap opera, and mistake rhetoric as substance because they don’t know the difference. Just a few thoughts I had related to a Trump banner I saw. Which has nothing to do with a particular aversion to Trump, only that he is almost as bad as the democrats. That’s based on his foreign policy record where despite minor aggressions like the rescending of the nuclear agreement with Iran that Iran shouldn’t have had to have anyway, sanctions on Venezuela, and the assassination of the Iranian general, he may have been the most dovish president on foreign policy in US history. And the disregard for international law as it relates to Israel, but compare that Obama and he looks like a pacifist even if he sounds like butcher. The other reason for the comment about him being slightly better than Democrats is if Hillary Clinton was president we would have had federal covid restrictions and the publics perception of the danger as inflated as it is already would be even greater. Of course the consequences would be worse than they are already with state by state restrictions. Trump doesnt care anymore about Americans than does Nancy Pelosi, or any less for the side that has my color but not my principle. He relies on the function I’ve stated, where he can lie to people and they will choose to believe what he says. All politicians do the same thing, most are just more sophisticated in their manufacture of truth, where Trump proved you can achieve the effect with a fraction of the effort.
The gamble was me betting that an 1100 dollar 2012 Malibu I bought at an auction would be a decent car. A stupid gamble because I had 1500 and had about another 1000 coming in a week through stimulus money and my job. Given those circumstances and knowing how bad I need a reliable car it is a stupid time to gamble on a car without being able to thoroughly inspect it while it is running and without being able to drive it 1st. Not a bad gamble but the timing was bad.
The car didn’t have a functioning water pump and I did not have the money to repair it.
My rent was up the day I would get paid and my stimulus didn’t arrive before that. I had 1 day to buy the tools and parts on the bus and tune the car up. I accomplished this feat but when I was finished the car still overheated. At that point I didn’t know what to do but I had a few options.
I woke up this morning intent on selling the car. I left the parking lot and the car was no longer overheating.
I stopped at Walmart and then a rest area bike trail. One option is to sell the car, rent a room, hope to get more hours at a job I hate, and then buy another car.
Option two is to take this car and leave Nevada as I intended to do originally. With some modification since I discovered the miles I have on this car are limited. I intended to stop in Denver to see a female friend I met in 2017 and either stay or go elsewhere.
I went with option 2.
I cannot live like that, in a place of almost no satisfaction. It was having a profound influence on my behavior exacerbated by the recurring difficulties created by people whom I’ve rented rooms from. Given the amount of work that has been available at a job that is terrible, and the unavailability of supplemental work there’s no telling how long I would be in that situation. If I average $250 per week and pay $500 a month in rent I’m going to have 400 to $500 in monthly expenses. I could be there for months breaking even. The covid fear is higher there than in other places. I considered starting a meet up but it is difficult to find a venue and a difficult place to generate interest in substance. It was a bad place for me and produced a bad draw on my behavior, although there were many positive casual interactions. The unpleasant experiences I’ve had there does not represent the people there as a whole, where many were well mannered, kind, respectful, and helpful.
I didn’t sell the car and decided to take a chance of getting stuck on the desolate stretch of highway between Vegas and Flagstaff.
The car has been running at 1\8th below half the entire time. It lacks good acceleration and has a bitch of a time up some hills but it seems to be improving. I started driving to Phoenix because I saw an abundance of gig work there. I typically make more money, work less, and enjoy the work a little more. Maybe I’ll print up some cards to hand out to attract attention to my website although in Wisconsin and Denver that method of promotion failed to yield any interest. I need to start a meet up but Phoenix isn’t an ideal spot for any sort of promotion. The abundance of elderly people, which probably coincides with greater covid paranoia and restrictions, and it doesn’t seem like a good place for that. Then again, it isn’t everyone.
I may not go to Phoenix, but my car has taken me to flagstaff. I don’t know how long it will last but if I can get 5000 miles before the engine completely loses compression this should be adequate if I can find regular gig work to save enough money to buy another car and finish my curriculum. From there I’ll figure it out: where I’m at and where I need to be.
I’ve driven the car about 1300 miles. Sometimes I drive it and there seems like nothing is wrong. Primarily city driving or going down hill. Lol. Starting the car and driving up hill or in higher gears the problems become apparent.
I was driving the car in drive on the interstate. I was roughly 50 miles out of Tuscon and the car went into reduced engine power mode. I wasn’t worried because before I turned the car off and the computer reset. This time when I shut the car off and turned it back on as soon as I shifted to drive it went back into reduced engine power mode. Tried turning it off and restarting a few more times with the same result.
I decided to disconnect the battery. As I did I was thinking ok mother fucker, (lol) you knew this shit was a possibility now you might have it. As I disconnected the terminals I thought if it didn’t work I’d get to Tuscon and take a greyhound to where I was going. The purpose of going there was to participate in a doccumentary on voices that are not represented in the msm and how to fix America. Whether the doccumentary will experience wide circulation or not, it is the best opportunity I have to advance my ideas.
After I disconnected the battery I was good and back on the road.
Last night I arrived at my destination. I posted a CL ad seeking gig work because I need money. I’m hoping I’ll receive a direct deposit for the hours I worked last week. It is possible although unlikely that those hours were for the previous salaried pay period. This is unlikely because two weeks ago I only recieved payment for the hours I worked and Daniel sent me the remaining portion of the salary via Zelle. I worked the previous week for those hours so I should have some money comming on Friday.
After checking CL gigs this morning there was nothing of interest. My attention turned to my car. I thought I may have had a bad O2 sensor. Some of the symptoms seemed consistent. Yesterday I almost bought and changed it, mainly because one of the symptoms described a surge of power. In drive if I put the pedal to the floor it won’t accelerate and then suddenly the rpms would shoot up to about 4k. I also incorrectly theorized that since the car would accelerate when I took my foot off of the gas some, that maybe I was supplying amount of fuel that was equal to the air being supplied by the sensor. Where there was some mechanism in the computer that prevented the fuel injectors from supplying more fuel than there was oxygen to combust.
There was a gentleman from Vegas who offered me services on the car. I told him I changed the water pump and described my symptoms. He told me I may have a bad cam shaft or crank shaft sensor. This morning I went to Advance Auto. Advance has become my preferred auto parts store because they had the water pump sprocket holder in stock when I needed it, but I’ll still use other parts stores when there is a cheaper price on a part. The guy told me they didn’t have their engine diagnostic code checker. I thought he was lying to me, but then he told me to go to Jiffy Lube that they do it for free.
I went to Jiffy Lube and there was a sign that read no inspections. I was like what type of shit is this.
Finally I went to autozone and was given a code that the cam and crankshaft posistion correlation was off. Autozone didn’t have the part but Oriely next door did. I bought the camshaft sensor but when I got in the car there were codes that the crankshaft sensor was correlating with either camshaft sensor so it seemed like maybe it was the crankshaft sensor not the cam shaft sensor. I exchanged the part. When I looked up the symptoms I’ve been experiencing it was more consistent with a faulty camshaft sensor than crankshaft sensor. I exchanged the part again and installed the A side.
I haven’t driven tbe car yet but adter installing it it did turn over right away whereas sometimes it cranks and I have to stop and try it a few times before it turns over. Another $50 gamble, and time will tell whether or not it’s rewarding.
It’s official that this car is in a state that I am unable to repair in my present situation. I changed the cam sensor, cleaned the variable valve timing solenoids, changed the crankshaft sensor, and the only thing left is the timing chain. I could change it but not in a parking lot. It would take me at least 2 days possibly 3. The person who I’ve been coresponding with from Vegas calls the car a ticking time bomb, where if the chain jumps a tooth it is going to do serious damage to the engine and the car will be rendered undrivable.
I’m supposed to be doing an interview today for a doccumentary on political voices that are not represented by the msm, what’s wrong with America, and how to solve the problems. It was scheduled for 9am this morning, and it is half the reason I’m here.
Last night I received a text asking me if I could do it next week, the creators claimed they did not have a ride. I told them I can meet closer to their location or pick them up. Then he replied he wasn’t feeling good but asked if we could do it in the afternoon and he provided a new location. I agreed.
Today I woke up to a text that he will contact me around 8:30am this morning to provide me with the time and as I anticipated, it is 8:44 and I haven’t heard from him. I’ll contact him at 9:00 to 9:30 to see if he has a time if I’m not contacted before then.
The second reason I came here is I was lured by CL gigs, where surveying the gig section over a few days there seemed like there was a lot of gig work. There isn’t, and the few there are that I’ve responded to have yielded no work.
As usual, this trip is a blank mission and I am fucked in life.
Not sure what my next move is. I only know I’m not returning to Wisconsin, and I can’t stay anywhere where I can’t make money.
Recently I wrote the exception to having ample amounts of time and money as a determinate of happiness, is when you’re able to earn money doing what you want to do. Time becomes irrelevant because work is inherently satisfying. Obviously that is where I’m trying to be but lack the means to reach that place, which is also obstructed by subconscious functions that operate on popular human values that rely on false perceptions of reality.
For me there is no acceptable balance of time and money, where for example say I could work 3 days per week 12 hour days and earn $1200 per week. This would be a good balance of time and money, where I’d have the means to provide for my needs and have money to do what I wanted to do in my free time, which is ample in this scenario. Even in such a situation I would not be content doing the work just to entertain myself with the time and money in my free time. Of course in this wildly unrealistic scenario I’d probably be alright because it would posistion me to do the work that I wanted to be doing. But otherwise, I’m not interested in your lives because I don’t find joy in the shit you find joy in. I live on a planet full of fucking idiots of all levels of education, whose reality is not a product of what they can understand to be true, but a product of what they want to be true because their joy is reliant on a false reality.
It seems I’m approaching a point in life where I’m tired of struggling and contending with the shit people and circumstamces that I continually find myself in. Where I’m wasted and fall behind in study and refinement of material because my mind is occupied by some bullshit going with a shit car I’m driving and living out of, or how I’m going to make money to get me through the following week or other bullshit. I’ve gotten what I need personally out of life in terms of understanding and development. To see not only the world, human beings, and the universe as it is, but knowing existentially what can be, and what likely is.
I live life with very little fear because I can usually foresee the possibilities and in considering possible outcomes I am accepting of those outcomes no matter how they impact my interests. The basis for all fear is uncertainty and the inability to accept outcomes.
I been dealing with this fuck shit for too long. Just sick of if aint one thing its a mother fucking nother.
It’s going to be what it’s going to be. This car isn’t likely to last too much longer and without some progress that I probably cannot create I don’t anticipate I’m going to last much longer after that.
I take satisfaction in understanding how morality is a spaitial determinate of motion, that produces a duallity of liberty or tyranny. It confirms that if consciouness survives death that seperate spaces must exist to accommodate the tyrants as well as the appliers of liberty. Heaven and hell, should exist and it is evident to me which one an overwhelming majority of human beings have chosen, since self deception is a form of imposition not only on the practicer, but on others. There is some consolation in knowing that this tyrant mother fucking species, after it destroys itself and continues to create misery for most of its members as has been the case throughout history, will continue in that tyranny after death.
This isn’t tbe culmination of this gamble on this car going bad, but.the underlying general thoughts and feeling I have about being in this hell for 38 years, which I’m expressing as I consider the bleak and uncertain future I am approaching.
I did the interview which lasted about about 2.5 hours. There were points where I was articulate but I was very choppy and overall shitty for the most part. We did about 2.5 hour probably recorded 2 hours and at the end he told me the entire doccumentary between my self and others he only expected to be abour 20 minutes. He did tell me he would send me the raw footage but I need more like this because oral communication skills are suffering. While this is partially a product of not being familar with my.material it’s also a product of social isolation and infrequent speaking opportunities.
My mood may change depending on my circumstances but I wanted to keep those reflections of the underlying darkness at the end of the previous break.
Where am I going?