The Daily Journal

I’ve been busy recording video summaries and working so this page has been neglected but some of the content is still relevant to understanding political functions and solutions to class disparities. As well as observations of human behavior and the chronicling of efforts to navigate disadvantaged circumstance

6/28/2022

Yesterday I made a few copies of an introductory video. I wont use any of them but they’re not too bad. Pauses, the cadence of my voice, having to excuse a poor chioce of words, and just otherwise a delivery that may not hold attention or be optimum for comprehension. It was intended to be short and lay out some basic principles, but I may add and/or subtract from the content.

6/26/2022

Roughly three weeks into this and having completed one project I am already worn down. I lost my debit card which contributed to general stress. I haven’t had the time or the energy to work out. I haven’t really had the energy or a state of mind conducive to producing any videos or content although I did manage to put together a few video outlines. The work in general dulls my intellect and promotes unproductive tendancies.

We finished by about 2pm today, but didn’t get back to the hotel until about 4 after having stopped at Walmart. I did next to nothing. Ate, napped, watched videos, and was unable to muster the energy or motivation to do anything productive. My body is sore and I needed a mind numbing day to recouperate from the mind numbing weeks preceding.

Roe v. Wade was overturned which will be the new distracting controversy. Roe v. Wade has been something of a stretch for a very long time. Abortion itself should hinge on the fact that a citizen has rights, and in order to become a citizen a fetus must be born and therefore a fetus has no rights except through a potentials mothers intent to deliver the fetus to term. Even then, the court has ruled that the public interest in maintaining population growth can supersede the rights or interests of the woman. This is another recurring distraction, which isn’t to say that it isn’t an issue of importance but it is an easy way to create controversy and occupy the minds of the ignorant on both sides of the issue. As long as attention isn’t focused on inadequate opportunities for people to have time and money it is an issue that will recieve attention in this country.

As the court has been deliberating on their decision I have written about the subject on several occasions. Instead of restating the same thing yet again I’ll share what I wrote about the subject a few weeks ago.

From 5/6 post

There was a YouTube poll in my feed asking whether Roe. V. Wade should be overturned. There was almost a majority of votes for unsure which was interesting to me. With the implications being that states will be tasked with regulating abortion, you would think that most people are either for it, or against it. This means the implications of the poll numbers is a great majority of people don’t know what Roe.vWade does.

I’m in the unique position of being pro choice, but also not caring if Roe. V. Wade is overturned. I wrote about this in the Camp Journal when the case to determine whether the state of Mississippi’s abortion law is constitutional was going to be heard by the supreme court

Liberty states that action that does not interfere with the liberty of others is right action. A fetus is not conscious and therefore has no liberty to impose on. Morally, I don’t see anything wrong with abortion.

Secondly, knowing that 2/3rds of people born in the bottom 40% of income earners will remain in the bottom 40% of income earners, and how these circumstances are often trapping, create a predisposition to commit crime, and to become drug dependant, why would you want to subject someone to those circumstances?

Consider the life of Carl Panzaram. He was born into horrible circumstances, the victim of poverty and abuse, he became a serial rapist and killer, and was eventually executed. In my casual familiarity with his story, in his life, other than probably raping and killing you don’t find any noteworthy positive periods or even experiences. A shitty life from the moment he can remember to the moment he was executed. I’m not implying that most or even some unplanned pregnancy will produce serial killers, but I am saying the circumstances many people are born into often produce a low quality of life, consequences to the public, and a good people either eliminate those circumstances, or they don’t force people to come into existence within them.

In addition to the interest of the fetus after birth is the interests of the parents, who shouldn’t be forced to take on the responsibility of a child.

Not only do I see abortion as morally right, I see the prohibition of abortion as morally wrong indirectly. The prohibition being morally wrong because it forces life to come into being in trapping and disadvantaged circumstances, and imposes responsibility on the parents, preventing them from doing what they’d otherwise be doing without the child.

Constitutionally a fetus doesn’t have any rights because a fetus hasn’t been born to receive any rights. Conversely a woman does have rights including the right to privacy which is the basis for a woman to choose to have an abortion.

As I said it is morally wrong, but if over turned I don’t believe it will prevent anyone who wants an abortion from getting an abortion. I wrote in the Camp Journal that non-profits will be created to facilitate abortions for people who cannot afford to go to another state to have an abortion in those places where the practice is prohibited. I mention that I originally wrote it in the Camp Journal, because about a month later I learned there was a non-profit beginning to engage in such work, preparing to scale up should Roe v. Wade be overturned. Obviously those who want an abortion can afford to travel to other states to get one.

With that said, allowing states to regulate abortion within their states absent constitutional restrictions doesn’t prevent access to abortion, even if it does impose on the time and resources of people within the state who want to get an abortion. Still morally wrong, but let these people reap the consequences of their ignorance and stupidity.

Abortion is only an issue because ignorant Christians (ignorant being a descriptive redundancy when placed before the word Christian) who are typically relatively comfortable and many who have not known difficult circumstances use the issue to add meaning to their very narrow lives. It’s the same as any other group, where the issue is used to activate the members through the activity. It’s an opportunity for image promotion, where people think others see them and are impressed with their commitment, or image promotion before their deity. Politicians tap into this to get these people to the polls which is an issue that doesn’t improve anyone’s quality of life and distracts from the main issue which is making progress in the creation of better opportunities for time and money for low income people.

Banning abortion in places where it will be banned is a good example of imposing a subjective preference on others since the act itself does not impose on anyone, and outlawing the act imposes on others.

It will also lead to some interesting stories of DIY abortions, probably the prosecution of rougher doctors, and other undesirable consequences. What else would you expect from a tyrant species? The best way to reduce abortions is to eliminate the circumstances that cause women to have abortions to begin with. Those efforts change the balance of power, improve quality of life, and are not in the interests of those who create the narratives that these ignorant people think through.

On the other side of it isn’t all bad. The reason it isn’t all bad is because stupid people should be allowed to create rules to impose on themselves. It does decentralize power and allow people to have more autonomy in their lives. It creates an obstacle for abortion but doesn’t actually prevent it. This is why I don’t believe any nation has the right to impose on another nation because they don’t agree with the rights, laws, or some other aspect of organization that they’ve chosen. People should have a right to self determination.

With that said, what’s unfortunate about Roe v. Wade as it stands now likely being overturned, is that abortion regulation will take place at the state level which is still too broad an authority, where many who would vote for a party based on non-abortion issues will elect people who will impose on a good portion of not a majority within the state who would benefit from abortion not being excessively regulated or outlawed. The benefit of decentralizing power isn’t realized because it still remains too centralized on the state level. If it could be taken out of the hands of the state and placed into the area of city or county authority this would be better, since the localities that prefer it not to take place in their area would have their rules and the other areas could have theirs. Of course as I mentioned, if the cause of these non-thinking creatures is to reduce abortions, over turning Roe .v Wade doesn’t accomplish this.

6/20/2022

I had another unproductive week. I recognize formation of unproductive habits immediately and I’m actively pursuing the return to better. Which isn’t to say some of it socially, and sexually isn’t benefical, but too much drinking, relaxing, and entertainment. I was focused last week Monday and this focus was derailed by going to Top Golf with my co-workers. It is more difficult to maintain productive habits while working.

I did buy an SD card for the video camera yesterday but I haven’t began putting any video outlines together. I have been considering some introductory approaches. Today I finished excerpting from my books to provide some samples. Sample chapters and headings are available at https://orioncs.net/samples-from-lt-books/

Work has been somewhat stressful. We have things that we need to finish ASAP, but the operative word in the acronym is possible. I did something to my back today that made it very difficult to move and bend down. Definitely slowed me down and had a very strong impact on my mood. My mood was fucked up from the beginning today.

I went to the 7/11 where I usually get ice and they told me they didn’t have ice and wouuldn’t have ice until they received a delivery in 3 days. I doubted whether it was true, just based on my natural skepticism but I didn’t check the ice box outside to see. I went to a QT down the street, purchased ice and the cashier promptly served me while she was serving another customer on a different register. I had 7 dollars and 30 cents in change coming. I looked at my change as I was walking away and I saw a dime and a bunch of pennies. It is possible that she gave me 2 dimes and 10 pennies but I was upset in thinking she gave me the wrong change, not based on the loss of maybe 10 to 15 cents, but just it was wrong and it wasn’t worth addressing. A few weeks ago I was at Braums and my total was 8.42. I counted out .42 and gave the cashier a $20 and .42. I should have received $12 in change. Instead I received like 11.80 something, but the change was ontop of the receipt and underneat the $11. I didn’t notice it until I pulled forward and by that time I’m not going to reverse in the drive through over .14, but it pissed me off.

I ended up sliding my change on the counter as I walked out and left my ice bag in the parking lot. In hindsight I shouldn’t have been upset about the incorrect change because I should have been much more appreciative about how quickly she served me. When I let a man held the door for me but being upset about the change I didn’t even thank him.

At work had an issue with some of the material we were working with, add my back to it, and it was just a rough day that had a very negative impact on my mood. Mood being the influence of perception on feelings, the influence of feelings on thoughts, and the influence of thoughts on feelings, and both on perception. Today a man asked if I could help him out with a dollar at Walmart and usually I’m very willing, it feels good to help somebody through a very small sacrafice, but instead I told him I aint going to be able to do it.

I don’t have shit going on but work right now. Really just posted to create a linkfor the sample chapters of the books.

6/12/2022

Had to undergo a period of adjustment from not working steady and not being around people to being around people. Wasteful spending, and wasted time, a temporary lapse in focus but in part an emotional upkeep expense. Emotional upkeep is a term used to describe a person’s expenses that are required to maintain themselves within a particular set of circumstances. It is a necessary expense, because without the emotional boost through the consumption of these products and services a person would be unable to perform the work.

In order to give us the opportunity to make more money and help his friend we were offered the opportunity to fire caulk the plumbing on a nearby construction project. I’d never done the work before but the description of it seemed like it wouldn’t be a very labor intensive project, and it seemed like it should be able to be completed reasonable fast. I was initially thinking maybe 2 hours. When I arrived saturday morning it was already very hot shortly after 8am.

This stuff has to be applied using your hands or a stick. I suppose you could also use a joint knife or something similar but these were our impliment options. I did a few pipes which took longer than expected. I realized it wasn’t going to be a 3 hour day as I anticipated. It was going to be all day to get it done right. Although I’m paid well and we were being paid our hourly to complete the task, for that task under those conditions it wasn’t worth it to me. It was outside the scope of our normal work and I decided to I didn’t want to do it. So I left since it was more or less an optional job for those of us who wanted to make more money.

The main reason I wanted to write was an acknowledgement of how poorly I managed my time as well as a regrettable decision I made today. About a week ago I put $35 on my Bovada account. Luck hasn’t been great but today I had $120. Poker has been a great distraction so I decided I was going to cash it out and not play poker for awhile. If I have money on the account there’s always the tempation to play. Before I cashed it out, literally right before since I already copied the wallet code from coinbase I decided to play some slots. I don’t play slots unless it’s a bonus on a deposit. I lost that $120 on slots, which is really a $35 loss if I want to feel better about it, and hardly a loss at all since I havent missed that initial $35 deposit. But I’m still upset about the decision, because I could have had an additional $120 so I lost $120 on some stupid shit.

I have a few things to do and a few things I need to figure out how to do. I need to go through my books and provide more free excerpts on the website.

I was thinking each day I can do some sollictiations. I’ve been down this road before and havne’t experienced much of a return. What I really need to do is create a series of short videos. This is challenging because the explanation of even one concepts can exceed a minute. I’m thinking about 1 minute videos and 5 minute videos. As far sollictiations I first need to figure out who to sollicit and for what purposes. Obviously all purposes lead to creating exposure to the information and the selling of products, but sollicitation have to be targeted and interest specific.

Fortunately I’ll have that opportunity since we’re going to be changing lodging accomodations where each of us will have a room in an air bnb instead of sharing hotel rooms. Not that sharing a hotel room completely obstructs these purposes, that’s not the reason I haven’t been accomplishing these things, it’s just been a loss of focus through an adjustment period, but having a private space does increase the ease with which theses things can be accomplished.

6/10/2022

Today I saw that the Biden Adminstration is wants to pass another infrasturcture bill and within that bill is 7.5 billion dollar appropreation to build a substantial number of electric car charging stations. This is a good example of how issues are used to channel public funds into the hands of private companies. Infrastructure legislation is passed by selling the public on the jobs that will be created but it’s really just renumeration for campaign funds by companies that invest in the elected politicians. Second, climate change is used to channel public funds into private coffers. What’s the major impediment to American consumers purchasing electric cars? Do people prefer to pay 4.50 at the pump to drive a car because they like gasoline engines? Is it because there is not enough charging stations? No, it’s 1: most people cannot afford electric cars, and 2: manufacturers already cannot keep up demand for electric cars.

In a free market economy, the demand for charging stations would cause people with money to create charging stations where they would be able to make a profit. In a government that operates through mechanisms of investment politics, politicians will give away public funds to their investors to create the infrastructure which will then be owned by private companies who will earn a profit with minimal risk.

Climate change police under Obama for example saw the allocation of 300 billion dollars to subsidize the creation of windmills, solar farms, and transmission. Grants, tax credits, 0 interest government loans, etc. It’s estimated that 2.1 trillion dollars would pay for all the infrastructure to transition the grid to 100% renewable energy, including transmission, grid upgrades, and storage. Imagine that Obama instead of satisfying his donors would have began building the infrastructure instead of using public funds to pay for the infrastructure that would go on to be owned by private companies and then sold to power suppliers? 300 billion would cover the cost for 1/7th of grid energy required in the United States. The public would own the infrastructure that it paid for. The public would supply that power to the power suppliers at a profit. That profit could be used 1: to create more infrastructure to transition towards renewable energy. 2: it could be used to subsidize the cost of power to low income people, which means the cost to subsidize power to the poor wouldn’t have to come from the federal and state budget.

But that isn’t the way investment politics works. Every bill passed has to be supported by industry, which means every bill has to include an industry incentive. Essentially, all problems must be solved by creating an incentive for industry. As I become more settled working I need to go through the infrastructure bill that has already been passed and show where money has been allocated, who it helps, and how politically active those companies are who have received contracts through the infrastructure bill. I need a research project.

There was a study I skimmed today, really ust an article expressing the main features of a study. Psychology is such a shit psuedo science that is accepted by the mainstream as science where those who are smart enough to see the BS in the academic world see the BS. They correlate what they have classified as psychopathic tendencies with an area of the brain that is 10% larger in those who have those tendancy. People who are egocentric and antisocial, unremorseful, non-empathetic, and often criminals is how they classify a psycopath, which is also defined through dramatic impressions of the word through movies, serial killers, and otherwise.

First, everyone is egocentric, because people are the expression of their ego which is the sum of all their values. There are people who value putting others before themselves, many more in word than in deed because it is a quality that is valued by the general population. The perception that others perceive you favorably is a boost to self worth that produces positive feelings. This accounts for social norms biases, where an indivdual will adopt the values of a group for the social utility and feelings inherent believing they are well perceived.

For those who are altruistic in deed that doesn’t mean they’re not ego centric. The positive feelings they experience for the sacrafices they make for others are greater than the energy expended in the sacrafice, and greater than the feelings they experience for any objectives the sacrafice has consequences for. Which means they are serving their own interests and are egocentric.

Inherent biases which stem from the individual’s desire to maintain a positive perception of themself produces justifications for acts that do not fit their values. This is problematic for accurately classifying tendencies because non-valued acts are often forgotten through justification, even if the justification is flawed and adopted based on bias. In surveys of thoughts, feelings, and behavior many people are providing an inaccurate data, even if their effort seemes honest to them.

Empathy is often manufactured for inherent purposes and social purposes as well. For example, people will often think about a tragedy to make themselves feel sad, because they think it makes them good people for having felt bad for someone else, which produces a positive feeling. Many others, will express grief to others in a display of empathy since the quality is popularly valued, and they perceive others as perceiving them as being better; and this raises selfworth and produces a positive feeling. Celebrity deaths produce good examples of this. The point being, a person may answer honestly that they often experience empathy, but the empathy is subconsciously contrived.

We can go into the practical value of remorse and why the presence or absence of remorse is irrelevant to determining how one will behave. Feelings of remorse are akin to feelings of empathy, where remorse is vehicle to feeling better about something you did that you believe is wrong. A person feels better about themselves for having felt bad for what they did. Similar to empathy, it’s also used for image promotion, where feeling remorse is popularly valued. Practically, outside of those purposes one can acknowledge the mistake and move forward trying to be better under similar circumstances in the future.

More importantly, a person with a strong moral understanding focus will subconsciously avoid making decisions that violate their morality. Which means moral people are less likely to report experiencing remorse because they typically don’t make decisions that violate their morality.

Morality is acts has both a prohibitor of action and a motivator of action. In the latter, positive feelings associated with righting a wrong motivates for which there is no known external interest. As a prohibitor, morality is feeling experienced before and during the intent phase of a decision. It’s negative feeling that is essentially a warning that the act will result in a loss of self worth. If the individual proceeds with the act they experience a loss of self worth which is sometimes expressed as remorse. The remorse is a mechanism to restore self worth. Morality is a determinant of motion in how assignments of good and bad influence the value of objectives. Whether someone feels bad for having committed what they believe is an immoral act is irrelevant to their behavior. What is relevant is how they assign morality, and how much they value and apply their moral rules.

The point being is the tendancies used to classify people, whether it be classifying someone as a psychopath, socio path, narcsacist, or something more benign is that there is different reasoning that can produce the same tendencies. You can have 10 people classified as psychopaths and each one is a very different person than the next.

Another reason I don’t like these classifications is because the labels can be applied to be dismissive of people. That person is a psychopath, or a narsacist, and once a person is called that, that label can be used to create an opinion about the person. Instead of having to itemize what a person did and why they did it that causes their behavior to be undesirable, or undesirable towards someone.

Now they a classification and biological correlation to those tendancies. But those tendancies and that biological correlation may be the product of something else. More importantly, physiological variations in the brain are rarely ever innate. They’re the product of a patterns of thoughts and feelings, and patterns of thoughts and feelings are a product of circumstances and how an individual perceives those circumstances. The study itself is suspect because it is an average of 10% larger than people who report low or no psychopathic traits. Which means if half the people with psycopathic traits have the same size striatum as those with low and those without psycopathic traits, and the other half have a striatum that is 20% larger than we have an average of 10% larger. Probably not that pronounced but the number can lose it’s significant as an average both in a few points smaller for some in one group and afew points larger in portions of another group.

What bothered me the most about the summary of the study is the effort to make a biological connection to criminality. Circumstances are the most consistent indicator of whether or not smoeone will engage in criminal activity. Psychology has done this before, and we should remember that eugenics was practiced in teh United States before it was practiced in Nazi Germany.

Its disgusting how a non-thinking public is persuaded by the psudoscience that is psychology. A roofer needs there to be something wrong with your roof in order to have a business. In the same respect, psychology has to convince you that something is wrong with you in order sell presciption medication and therapy sessions. A lot of it is stupidity. Think of 5 traits and call it what you want and you will find people who you can classfy as having that personality or that disorder.

Had an off day today. I’m aware enough to notice a pattern when I’ve deviated from my typical mode of interaction. I’m not saying the repetiion associated with the task I have been performing the last two day is soley responsible but maybe it has played a role.

I don’t have much to write about. Obviuously since I’ve had negatve opinions about some people based on the performance of certain tasks dated 6/6, I should report on those opinions have changed if they have changed. Based on observations the opinion doesn’t changed based on the previous performance, but the last 4 days have been night and day compared to the days preceding. I don’t take credit for the improved performance. I don’t believe it is because I wrote what I wrote, I think it’s more a matter of installers wanting to avoid physical tasks unrelated to installing.

I don’t know. But I will say that everybody on the team has been pulling their weight and then some. I originally addressed the situation through the journal because I didn’t want to be in a situation where half the team was trying to avoid work, or work at a slower pace to let things fall onto others. That’s what it felt like initially, but come to find out everybody is willing and capable of getting shit done.

Just some examples, yesterday and the day before James was working his ass off. First in bringing the top rails up to the rooms. No one was keeping u with him. Second James and D kept up with me and Jay drilling holes. Today, James noticed that his task was the quickest, mine the second quickest, and Jay had the longest portion of the process. Instead of waiting for me he decided to prep Jay’s task. Because of his preperation and Jay’s focus on the task we moved about as fast as we could move as unit and completed every room we could complete.

This entry is in part to update the experience since my initial experience working with them was critical. In addition to the work situation I have a few things worth commenting on.

6/6/2022

I’ve been back to work with Premier for about a week and agitating incidents forced me to reflect on this last week and the people I’ve been working with.

1st is more of a mild irritation. I had some pants that I used to like that I stopped wearing because they had a hole in the ass. The product of trying of wearing size 38 but still being able to get in a pair of 36s. I liked the pants and thought I could wear them as work pants. I put them on and looked in the mirror and it looked like the shirt covered the rip. So I decided to wear them. I think the movement of filling my cooler, bending over and putting it in the passenger seat, and sitting down in the seat may have ripped them more but I’m not sure about this. Later in the day prior to lunch I felt the pants rip more as I was unboxing. While it did create a good breeze I couldn’t help but realize I had a giant rip extending to the waist seem to below the pocket.

I also lost my safety glasses. I put them in my vest pocket while I was unboxing because the safety guy is on vaccation and the Moss guys are rarely in the building. I went back to the rooms I unboxed since I took them off but I couldn’t find them.

We finished the third floor and brought the garbage down. It was about 11:30. I texted Mark that I split my pants and lost my safety glasses. The second being more important because if I am caught without any safety glasses in my possession there is a possability that I could be suspended from the site or that Mark could be fined. It was important for me to get to the store to buy some new safety glasses. I texted him to ask if I can take lunch at 11:30 and he responded that he was good with it but said my pants were ripped to the pocket when I arrived, implying that I was lying about my pants. Which is why they may have ripped more on the way to work, but also definitely ripped more while I was working.

Its mildly annoying because it implies that I woke this morning and planned on using the pants to take an 11:30 lunch. We arrived at 6:30, by 11:30 we’ve worked for 5 hours, and if I had some need to take an 11:30 lunch I would tell Mark what that need was and he would typically let me take an 11:30 lunch. That was a mild annoyance in perceiving that he believed I lied to him.

What bothered me began with the task of unboxing the doors. When it was decided that we would be unboxing the doors me and D went to 2 and began unboxing. There are 10 doors on 2. After we unboxed about 8 Jay showed up and said we should put the doors in the shower with the hinges facing the shower control, and the doors flipped right side up where the the distance to the handle is greatest from the floor. The second part of it isn’t really necessary because before you attach the hinges you’re going to check where your handle is and you already have to put hands on the door. The detail becomes more relevant as we proceed.

D and myself finish up at least another each, I don’t remember exactly where we were. At the time I was unboxing a door in probably about 8 minutes, but was down to about 5 to 6 minutes after lunch. I was probably about 3 to 2 on D which grew to about 2 to 1 after lunch. I don’t think that’s because he’s fucking off, everytime I came in a room he was in the process. It’s unlikely he was still baiting waiting to hear the door open to resume working because I didn’t check up on regularly, and he was completing doors at about the same pace all day. When I do something repetiive I look for better ways to do it as I’m doing it and I’m usually consciously focused at moving quickly through the steps. I don’t expect people to keep up.

After we finish 2 to 3 more doors and dispose of the trash which took two trips, I get to the third floor and find James and Jay together in 309 and I don’t think they even began unboxing that door. D and myself unboxed an entire floor before they unboxed a single door. We finished 3 together, James unboxed 2 to 3 doors, Jay unboxed 2 to 3 doors, one of each was a collaborative effort and me and D unboxed the remaining 10 to 12 doors.

This lack of iniative and effort isn’t unique to this task. When we brought the doors in that was a 50/50 effort by both teams. No complaints there. Although I think Jay probably missed the first load trying to figure out which rooms were left and rights when most of us knew what rooms were left or rights or were discovering it as we were bringing them up despite his efforts.

If we go back to assembling the fences and hanging the netting over the elevator bay, and hanging the doors over the window openings, we had something similar that I avoided. In about 2.5 hours I finished assembling 7 guards and installing the netting. We cut the pieces and I assembled most of the legs while D assembled some of the legs the day before. Assembling the structures required attaching 3 13.5 foot studs to the three legs. By yourself the first has to be propped up with something to lay flush against all the legs. Then you do the bottom by allowing the beam to lay diagnal and estimating that the end will stick out 6 inches when you pick the beam up from the otherside. You can only put one screw in. Then you go to the last leg and work your way back to put the second screw in. It isn’t difficult but it’s a time consuming process. You measure to the middle for the middle beam and use the process from the bottom beam. And you begin by clearing a work space since most floors had garbage from other contractors and the fences require a lot of space to assemble.

After I completed 6 out of 7 of these D and Jay showed up. D helped me put the last one together which saved some time, but in the time it took me to put together 6 of these on 5 different floors, James cut 10 1 foot pieces of plywood. D helped me finish up the netting and probably knocked about 20 minutes off the process which took a little over an hour. When I finished the netting after presumably a great deal of deliberation between Jay and James, they had 1 1 foot strip attached to one sheet of plywood, and I left as Jay was attaching the first hinge to the first door. 4 hours, cut 10 1 foot strips of plywood, attached 1 1 foot strip to a door, and began to attach the first hinge.

He had Jay and D to help finish the doors. 1st I felt like I did my part, and second, had I stayed I would have probably brought the doors upstairs with D and attached all of them. So I left.

Aside from what I do remember, there have been other times that I haven’t committed the details to memory where we begin doing something (me and D) while they’re talking about strategy for things that are not impacted by what were presently doing, or things that are largely irrelevant. There’s very little iniative sometimes. Othertimes they move quicker although as I said, they are much more eager to talk about work than to do it.

I was walking onto the jobsite about 12:35 when I checked my phone, may have been 12:34, GPS had me to the site 12:33. As I walked through Mark pulled up. The time is important, the fact that we were all in the parking lot at 11:25 (not Mark but Me, James, and D), I had to go to the hotel, cooked a rice bowl for lunch, changed pants, went to Walmart to buy safety glasses (and bought to additional pairs for myself or anyone else who loses them), and still made it back first 5 minutes late is not important, but speaks to my respect for the job. I went up to the 4th floor and texted asking if they were on the 4th floor and recieved no response.

I went in the first room 409 and unboxed the door. Went to 410 and began unboxed the door. When I finished the second door it was 12:48. 12:35 to 12:48 minus the time it took me to get from outside the building to the 4th floor up the stairs. Shortly after D found me in the next room 411, and gave me a tape measure and a knife.

We finished 4, took down half the trash and went to my cooler to get some water. We went to the fifth floor expecting to find and James and Jay but they wern’t there. We were down to the last 2 doors on the fifth floor when D saw Jay, James, and Mark in the parking lot at the truck. I asked what they were doing while we were knocking out these floors unboxing.

They said installing them on 9. 1st this is pretty stupid if the purpose of us unboxing is to speed up the installation process. You would start on 2 since there are already doors unboxed. Given the amount of work they did the first half of the day I was interested in how far they got with that in 3 hours.

D told me we were calling it a day. That was awfully cool of them to decide they were done or ask Mark if we were done, then leave, and no one tell me and D that we were done. We’re going to get the same amount of hours but me and D will work work longer, possible even longer than the original difference if D doesn’t notice them in the parking lot and contact them.

Now back to flipping the doors and the big picture. As far as flipping the doors if you do it it is the most difficult part of the unbox and probably more difficult for D than anyone else. We can finishing unboxing tommorrow. If we finish unboxing tomorrow what will we be doing Wednesday? We’ll probably be installing shower doors. Which means any doors not flipped will be our responsiblity as well as theirs. That’s an equal distribution of the job that doesn’t add to the time of the process because it’s either time unboxing or it is time on the install when the door has to be handled anyway. We do more work.

Not only do we do more work, but we will also likely do more work. By that I mean when I checked the 9th floor I only found two doors installed. I didn’t check every room but I checked the logical starting points and rooms next to those rooms. 09 was in the box, 15 was in the box, 04 was installed, 03 was not, 05 was installed 06 was not. I don’t remember for sure, it may have been 908 or another room but I thought it was 904 that Mark installed. I could be wrong, but it means in 3 hours they installed either 1 door, or 2 doors, while me and D unboxed 2 floors. Its difficult to imagine that I will be installing shower doors at an hour and a half to 3 hours each one. Which means I’ll have done all of the unboxing and possibly the bulk of installing the doors when its all said and done.

What else does it mean even if they do pick up the pace? It means that me and D will do pretty much all of the unboxing to give them a head start on 2 doors. Even if they would have contributed for the first hour we were unboxing this still would have been significant in just having momre of the floor done and less to do, but even when they were assigned to the task they wern’t contributing much. Didn’t help on the 2nd floor, and probably a half hour later they’re together in the shower in the first room on the 3rd floor and haven’t begun to unbox.

I voiced some of this in the group text and it was ignored.

What do I do? It’s difficult for me to reduce my pace because I take pride in what I do. If my initiative is going to be taken advantage of and if at least my effort isn’t going to be matched then I should adjust my effort and initiative to match that of the group.

Personally, everybody is cool and easy to get along. I probably get along better with D because we’ve been working together and in part have a more relatable past in terms of lifestyle in some aspects. But everybody is cool. Had a good time drinking with them, we all talk shit all day long and have a positive enviornment. We try to have a good time working, and my criticism is strictly work related.

This isn’t to say that they don’t possess positive qualities as it relates to work. James knows an impressive amount of stuff about construction, Jay is smart and appears very capable, and D is also smart and shows more initiative and works harder than the two of them.

Prior to Allentown, which consisted of a mix of temp workers, the job was much better. Chris was great to work with having a solid understanding of nearly all aspects of the work and he worked to get the job done whatever the task was. Unfortunately there were rules in place largely based on how Chris is when he gets drunk, and he got drunk, broke the rules, and then decided to fly home after being asshole. Unfortunate. FF&E is much different than shower door installation, but usually when temps come in, especially if they’re Craigslist temps they would see how we would work and either match our intensity to the best of their ability, or we would send them home. This is different because you have two installers who both think they’re in some upper echelon of the work, and don’t understand that Mark is the upper echelon and we work together to complete tasks.

They cuff information and try to make extra jobs out of jobs. None of this shit is very complex. They had a fucking list in an email showing what size pieces of glass went to what room. We had different sized hardware packs, with different sized handles, which one would presume is intended for the shorter pieces of glass. We were about to measure the showers on the floor to figure out where the glass went when James told me he had a list of the size of glass that went to each room. I looked at the list and was able to immediately ascertain which rooms had the short pieces of glass and received the smaller hardware boxes. James noticed that the smaller pieces of glass were refered to as B and the larger as glass A. If Mark emails you a spread sheet, why not distribute that information to everybody? A person who is entrusted with extra resposniblity should be responsible for creating efficiency, not obstructing it by setting a poor example, not sharing infomration, and creating an unofficial number two who is often on the same bullshit.

The details are accurate, unless they installed a third door somewhere else on the 9th floor in a room I didn’t check.

This has nothing to do with me looking for his extra responsibilities. I have other shit do, want to come to work, get shit done, and save money to try to get my shit off the ground

Other than that I’ve enjoyed the last week. It has been good socially, I’m very well paid, got up with a chic last week but she lives a little over 2 hours away. She’s down with what I’m down with. If I do go to Del Rio I’ll probably see her again.

There have been other things worth writing about but I have been too preoccupied with recreation, and recovery from work and recreation. One notable event took place yesterday when a DA released a picture of a woman who was shot by police holding a gun. There were already protests. One man said he was told the woman did not have a gun. After seeing the picture he stated he wanted to see the body cam, which is fair since a woman holding a gun doesn’t necessarily make her a threat to life or great bodily harm, but it does speak to his bias in not becoming more critical of the narrative he was following that is clearly false. What speaks more to the bias is his acceptance of the false narrative and willingness to take action on account of it to begin with. He’ll accept the narrative that she didn’t have a gun without being critical of it because it reinforces his perspective. He’ll take action based on that false narrative without doing any research to confirm it. But information that challenges his perspective he becomes critical of to maintain his perspective.

5/20/2022

I was omw out of Texas, maybe 60 miles into OK, when I received a text confirmation that the job would begin on Wednesday.

i had 2 good days of playing poker won a tournament yesterday for a little over 200, cashed out about 210 and left 27 to play with. I was running bad this morning but still managed 2nd in a tournament worth 175. Winning tournaments is a mood enhancer.

I may have lost a big spider in my car. I saw this big spider on my windshield. It was black with white stripes and fury. Instead of leaving it alone, thinking it could be venomous I turned the key and used the windshield wipers thinking he’d be squashed or flung from the car. Of course all it did was move him from the bottom of my windshield to my open window. I scrambled to roll up the window and he crawled along the door. He had green eyes and large fangs. He looked like a killer.

i grabbed some tissue to smash him. I rolled down the window and he ran underneath my side mirror. When I tried to smash him he ran down my window track. I don’t know which side of the window he ran down.

i looked it up and it’s a North American Jumping Spider. It’s harmless, but I’m still not thrilled about the prospect of him crawling on me at some point. I’m going to assume he ran down the outside of the window or put my confidence in the idea that he’ll let himself out. I might have that home alone moment before I regain my composure when Kevin puts the teraunchla on the burgler’s face.

At the gym I discovered I had a strip of sunburn only on one leg. Notable to me, usually doesn’t happen like that.

I was messaging with this POF chic and there were two comments.I made that I wanted to record since they contain some insight.

After making a few ice breaker jokes I asked what her process was to meet up for drinks and she said energy. I really hate that stupid shit, vibes and energy which after she said a lounge was the adult version of a bar I asked and she confirmed that energy was the adult word for a vibe.

She prides herself on the idea of being an adult which means x, y, and z to her.

I explain that I don’t like the expression because it isn’t saying anything. It’s a generic term for a series of positive feelings produced by someone’s behavior or while they are present that you associate with that person. I used to think about that when my daughter would listen to music with her boyfriend, that the feelings produced by the music would become associated with her boyfriend and vice versa. The point being, the word generally describes positive feelings occuring as the result of interacting with someone, it says nothing about how the feelings are produced. It’s the equivalent of saying I want someone to make me feel good, which is obvious so these chic’s on here talking about we have to vibe, or I just want to vibe, or the energy has to be right ain’t saying shit.

She couldn’t understand this very basic point I was making, she was biased because she uses the word, so she tried to transfer the meaning onto another word, saying I was overthinking it, and she means a connection. I restarted the point that I wasn’t overthinking it, that is what it is.

Later the conversation turned towards what a connection is, and that’s primarily the product of commonalities in likes, and a lot of what a person likes is based on their perspective, and their perspective is the product of life experience and the information they’ve been exposed to. (You can understand the main points without understanding the parenthesis portion: We could also go further where the organization of that information is a product of assignments of cause and effect, and true and false, influenced by how the information makes them feel, which is also influenced by feelings associated with moral assignments).

I mentioned this highlighting that I don’t connect very well with people because I have a very diverse range of life experiences and have exposed myself to more information in the objective pursuit of the answers to questions, which means my perspective is much different than other people’s. That was the explanation for why my profile is very direct in my intentions, which basically states I’m interested in women for casual social and sexual purposes.

Another thing I don’t like about the vibe energy concept is it reinforces magical ideas, like there’s something mystic between people, which contributes to perspectives that things are just happening. That’s most people’s perception, that there are things just randomly happening around them and that reality is influenced by mystic forces. God, their dead loved ones, the universe, etc. I saw a woman whose screen name was Scorpio lover. 😂 My mom used to say usually jokingly when someone would do something that didn’t make sense “what are you fucking stupid”, it’s funny because she isn’t calling you stupid, she’s asking, that’s why it’s funny to me. People who have subscribed to astrology make me think of that, among others from time to time.

People are so full of shit and prefer to be that there’s not a lot of connectability. I mean even in this brief exchange I’m encountering a person who cannot accept that she’s been making an empty statement with her energy qualification, without even making it to the implications of such an idea. Scorpio lover was not the user I was messaging with just a profile I saw browsing.

I figured out how I’m going to write my declaration of intent. I’m going to create a basic 20 points of candidacy and footnote the explanation for the points.

Had some other shit I was going to discuss but I’m tired.

5/16/2022

I rented a room yesterday for 2 nights. I spent time working on a declaration of intent to run for office but spent most of my time eating, laying in bed, and sleeping. I haven’t laid in a bed since I was being treated for my pulmonary embolism in December. Well, a little bit later in December I slept on an air mattress while camping, but this is the first time in 2022 that I’ve slept in a bed.

Part of the reason I rented a room was to finish this declaration of intent. I use Google Docs which works offline and is supposed to save to my Chromebook. But sometimes it doesn’t. I meant to click off a different tab and I clicked off the tab from that document. Then when I went to open the document it was gone. That’s pretty disappointing.

The purpose of the document which includes positions on popular issues as well as ideas I’m promoting is to send the document to different chapters of parties to either gain support or at least draw attention to my material. And maybe that’s a bad idea since people perceived as more viable candidates for the party could run on my ideas. The problem being these candidates will not see the ideas through, or will allow them to be contaminated to serve the interests of industry who they represent.

I’m in trouble. Stay in trouble, but I’ve been in this AC for 2 days going back out tomorrow. Mark says this job is supposed to start this week but IDK if it is ever going start, and if I should save myself the trouble and leave DFW. I’ve been wrestling with this decision since I arrived, and I either find a job to work before I’m about to go, or I get an update from Mark that restored my confidence that I’ll be able to work with him again, save some money, and then be able to try again.

I’ll stop here before I start getting dark.

5/14/2022

I was able to find a job for today and tomorrow, which means I’m taking a couple days in a hotel for some much needed rest. I wanted to get back to writing my declaration of intent to run for office, but I ran out of time.

There is a Walmart no as far to the job that I’ve stayed at on multiple other occasions. Unfortunately it’s 12 miles from the nearest planet fitness and I had to wait on confirmation for the work tomorrow. So I didn’t get back until 10:20 and I need to be up at 6:15.

This is in part just to chronicle the experience but I originally wanted to record some thoughts I had about Assignment, Sequencing, and Comparison. I don’t want to record them until I understand them better. The essence of it are how subconscious processing of information is responsible for intuitive feelings, and how the feelings and the processes create intuitive thoughts. And distinguishing intuitive thoughts from wishful thinking producing intuitive feelings and circumstances producing the desired result.

Mark texted me the other day and told me he received confirmation on the shower doors but wasn’t sure if they would be delayed in customs coming from Mexico. He told me previously that they were delayed in customs, but probably coming from China, the log jam in the California ports, and the cost of shipping in the United States, maybe they were delayed by Mexican customs and he doesn’t know if they’ll be delayed by US customs. Either way, the job is either happening, already happened, or will happen, and I don’t really have much standing or purpose to confront the possible contradiction. If there is no job it doesn’t matter if I tell him I suspect him of stringing me along because there is no job. And if there is a job I don’t want to jeopardize that opportunity because if I work with him for a year, I should be able to save 20 to 30k minimally, gain some stability somewhere, and begin a campaign to run for the house.

The only issue is it’s left me out here in this Texas heat, but that isn’t on him. Knowing from experience how jobs don’t start on time I started heading towards the job before the dates were confirmed.

5/12/2022

I am extremely tired. I worked a job in Rockwall spreading compost for a man named Ken. He had 7 yards of compost, which by my estimation was approximately 110 wheel barrels full, about 15 shovels full per wheel barrel in and out, putting my shovel repetitions in the neighborhood of 3000. It turned out being much more difficult than I anticipated but he compensated me well and more importantly he went to my website and purchased two of my books. I probably would have spread the compost and gave him the books just for the prospect of having my material read.

I was pretty good between the hours of 11;15 to 3pm. At 3pm I took a half hour lunch break and when I returned at 3:30 the second half of the day was a little bit rough. I would bring a wheel barrel to the front and unload it and would be pouring sweat. Then I’d bring the wheel barrel back to refill and drink some water. I must have drank somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 to 2.5 gallons of water and didn’t pee at all. At the end of the when we had 20 to 30 wheel barrels left his wife helped find places for the extra compost and probably took care of about 10 wheel barrels. I didn’t say anything but I was pretty worn out towards the end and appreciated her contribution. 9 hours minus my lunch break in 95 degree heat.

I mentioned the round up gratuity program to him. He did have a criticism that was somewhat valid. He said that companies may impliment the program but then lower employees base wage if they begin earning too much through RUGO. That’s definitely a possability if not an inevitablity if the incentive for implimentation doesn’t plan for it. So, to remedy that issue when I create the incentive legislation, for a business that impliments RUGO to get the tax credit, they’ll have to meet a base salary wage that is comparable to businesses in similar markets that have not implimented RUGO.

The fact is, what a company pays an employee isn’t based on what the company can afford while maintaining an adequate profit. Companies pay what people are willing to work for in the area where they need labor. If a company impliments RUGO and their employees are now making $20 per hour, with a base salary of $13, the company could drop the base salary to the minimum wage or below since the RUGO may put them $13 to $15, and people in the area have already shown a willingness to work at that rate. In that scenario, all that’s happend is the company makes more and workers income has not improved.

The incentive to encourage high volume transaction industries like fast food, gas station, retail stores and others to impliment round up gratutity is going to be a 1 percent reduction in payroll tax. This is a preliminary number that could increase or decrease after I do some research and estimates, but the idea is that these high volume transation businesses will impliment a program where customers can round up their purchase to the nearest dollar to show appreciation for service and this money will be split up among the workers. In the incentive to prevent companies from reducing wages there will be a stipulation where in order to qualify for the tax credit, the company must pay employees a base salary that is equal to 90% of the median wage paid for that position for employees who are not working for a company that has implimented RUGO. In the event that we reach a place where an entire sector of the economy has implimented RUGO which is not unrealistic, than the company will be required to maintain a base salary that is equal to the amount it paid it’s employees before it implimented RUGO, adjusted for inflation if more than 5 years have passed. That is how we solve that issue, and I’m very glad Ken brought that up, because to me, it’s more of an inevitablity than it is a possability if I don’t account for it before hand.

I’m very tired today. After finishing the job yesterday I discovered that the Bucks won game 5 against the Celtics, and they won it in amazing fashion. I couldn’t fall asleep.

In order to get elected to the house even in a district with low voter turn out requires about 150,000 votes. There’s an average of about 750,000 people per district. It’s difficult to imagine any scenario where I win or even get a significant portion of the vote without running under one of the major parties. What’s interesting is I can run under either, but I also cannot run under either. Policywise my differences with republicans is their religion, and nationalism, and nationalism spills over into many policy issues including my main purpose which is efforts to create mechanisms of balance within our current capitalist system.

The idea of capitalism is perfect, people decide what they are going to produce and bring it to market, which is superior to the idea that the government will decide what will be produced and how it will be distributed and how citizens will be assigned within the process. The idea used to be that if you didn’t have money to fund your own business or the skills you could work for someone else while you acquire the money and or skills to start your own business. Those opportunities do not exist for many in practice where often expenses are equal to peoples incomes. If everybody started from teh same position capitalism would be great because people would decide what they did and everyone would be satisfied with what they’re doing. Much of what I hope to accomplish is to position people for better opportunities to have time and money. Among republicans, many who were born into some level of advantage over most others, refuse to acknowledge that disadvantage exists because it challenges ideas they have about nationalism, about the perfection and fairness of the American systems and ideals. Like I said I’m tired so this isn’t as smooth as I’ll make it at some point.

The democrats on the other hand peddal false narratives that prey on the ignorance of the population and prevent the realization of class goals. One of my biggest issues with Democrats is their efforts to distract from class as the most meaningful source of disadvantage by falsely asserting that race, gender and sexuality is a meaningful source of disadvantage. I have ceaselessly and factually shown that race, gender, and sexuality is not a source of disadvantage in thsi country, and those interests should not be prioritzied over the interests of economically disadvantaged people, which also includes disadvantaged women, people of color, and lgbt people.

If I could choose a party I’d choose republicans and seek their support to run in an urban district with a democratic incumbant that the republicans are unlikely to win anyway. With the right support or promotion and resources I can win based on the strength of my ideas, the depth of my understanding, my consistency, and my ability to expose the contradictions of my opponent. That’s broad and doesn’t mean much but there are layers to it that I’ve been thinking about. There isn’t much benefit for republicans to support me other than if I win I’m not a democrat although I don’t tow the party line either.

I have time to think about this sutff and develop an actually strategy. First I need to make some money and get some stability somewhere. Alright, I’ll end this ramble. Very tired to need to get some sleep to restore my coherencey.

5/10/2022

I just realized I been in DFW for over a month, primarily sleeping at the same location, a Walmart in Irving, initially in route for a job I was told we would start the 2nd or 3rd week of April in Del Rio. This job was pushed back but there was a job in Dallas we were supposed to be starting on the 8th that was pushed back due to delays in customs. Today as I was about to return to St. Louis I learned the job should be starting on Wednesday.

Without this job through Mark from Premier, I’m pretty fucked, and I know it. It’s the only income opportunity I have where I can get far enough ahead to be able to do something. Where I can go to an area and start a campaign to be elected to the house.

Along those lines, I was thinking about an incentive to encourage companies to implement a round up gratuity program to allow satisfied customers to show appreciation to the crew members. We’ll offer those that implement the program a point or half a point whichever prove to be fiscally sustainable off of their payroll tax. It won’t cost the public anything because the additional money collected in income tax will more than cover what’s lost in the payroll tax credit for participating businesses.

A similar approach can be made to encourage businesses to participate in Lowest Paid Employee Wage Disclosure labeling.

We have Balance Stimulus, FCC Media Disclosure, The Just Law Amendment, Public Gas Subsidy for Low Income People, Centers for Economic Planning, and allow the Palestinian people to consider The Option.

Whether I’m successful or not, I’ll be able to attract attention to myself, material, and ideas. Considering how I will probably be attacked for some of the things I’ve written, it’ll be a good opportunity to explain the morality and consistency of those things written that some would consider wrong, offensive, or inappropriate.

I think I can create a grass roots campaign based on the strength of my ideas that can win somewhere. I may also be able to fund raise from some notable entities.

Who do people want? Do they want the same rhetoric spewing posers that is trying to tell them what they want to know, or would you rather have someone who is truly committed to his ideals, and his ideals are rooted in a commitment to his morality which is objective based on the human constant. Someone who is pushing the talking points for legislation or someone who wants the public to understand what legislation will do, who it benefits, and why it’s being promoted? Do they want someone whose pride himself guarantees authenticity?

I can go on but I’m going to cut it here.

5/7/2022

Today I heard on the radio that a poll was taken asking people if they would by a house someone was killed in, and 50% of people said they would not.  It suggests that half the people in this country believe in and are afraid of something for which there is absolutely no evidence for: the dead being able to harm the living.  These force you to acknowledge that at least half of people are willing to believe things without evidence based on their response to the poll.  So what else do they believe without evidence, and obviously they cannot be persuaded by evidence since the absence of evidence for the existence of something is evidence to the contrary.  

Most people are like this too different degrees depending on the subject, so I don’t want to make it a half the people kind of thing.  Nearly all the people depending on the subject.  Self deception.  

I was thinking about a consequence of Roe. V. Wade being overturned if it is overturned.  It will be a new rallying point and probably already is for women’s rights.  We’ll get a healthy dose of women’s rights are under attack, gender inequality, and the promotion of the myth that gender is a source of disadvantage.  

These things go hand and hand, the promoters of gender disadvantage are also the promoters of race is a disadvantage, sexuality is a disadvantage, ethnicity is a disadvantage, and everything is a disadvantage as long as it isn’t class which is against the interests of industry the directors of public policy.  

In recent years past, the Democrats decided they would echo the rhetoric of radical groups in order to gain their support.  Most of the issues they promote are not actually issues, but people don’t care, because if they believe it’s an issue they can be against it and experience moral gratification by opposing it.  And we know people are not persuaded by evidence they believe what feels good to believe.  

My issue is these issues distract from the actual issue which is unequal opportunities for people to have time and money.  Quality of life is determined by income, time, and know how, where the last one can be gained through the 1st 2.  

Conservatives will hurt their own cause if Roe v. Wade is overturned because it will rally the Democrats and independents around this issue.  Considering that some places in this country want to teach children about gender identity, critical race theory, defunding the police, open borders, prioritize race, gender, and sexuality instead of promoting opportunities for people to have better incomes, open borders, as well as wasteful spending on programs that do not lead to meaningful quality life changes among other things, is it worth it?  Is it worth it when even if you’re stupid enough to believe that a fetus is a person, or it goes against the wishes of your deity, you’re not stopping abortions, only creating some difficulty for a person who lives in your state who wants to have an abortion.  

.  

5/6/2022

I did a moving job that was fairly lucrative at least by my present very low standards.  We made $280 for 8.5 hours work, but that was courtesy of the customer, who was generous and rewarded us with $100 tip.  Otherwise we’d have only made $180.  

I had to remind the driver about the nature of our relationship when he said he needed help outside and there was someone there who at the time wasn’t doing much of anything.  He also told me to hurry up when I was already moving faster than everyone else.  I asked him what the fucks wrong with you and he said he didn’t know?  😂. I told him I don’t work for him, I’m an independent contractor who is providing services to the company, I don’t work for the company and you are not my boss.  This is true, I’m providing labor services to accomplish the task of moving the items from the truck into the house, placing them at the customers desired location, and assembling the items, creating as little damage as is possible to the items or the structure.  And how I choose to do that is my choice.  Our professional relationship is more like him as my customer, than it is him as my employer.  I told him not to micromanage me or we were going to have problems, as in me getting paid for my time in and him only having 2 guys to complete the move. 

I didn’t know there was more at the storage, so believing that the move would be completed under the 5 hour minimum, I wanted to finish it as quickly as possible.  Having 2 guys outside to take items off of the truck and one guy moving items into the house who would not be able to take items up the stairs didn’t make any sense, other than maybe he didn’t want to pull items from the truck to the lift gate.  But at this time I was under the impression that we would finish in under 5 hours based on the items we received, and what was left in the truck before I discovered there was a second truck.  I still would have asked what the fuck was wrong with him and gave him the rundown on what was going on anyway, because it was part of a broader pattern of behavior. 

Prior to this I was waiting for the second man to unwrap his piece of furniture so we could carry both of them up the stairs as both were two man pieces.  He told me to go get boxes after the customer already stated he wanted furniture first, and there isn’t a huge area to store furniture before you’ve blocked your access to the house.  Secondly, taking furniture up stairs around a curve is very labor intensive, so it made sense that we would take a piece or two up if they were two man pieces, and then get a rest to unwrap the following pieces of furniture.  When he first said it I stood up from the piece of furniture I was leaning on, then I decided fuck that and returned to the piece of furniture.  After a moment he said it again I told him this piece of furniture needs to go up, and that piece needs to go up and they’re both 2 man pieces.  He asked the customer if these were going upstairs and the customer confirmed.  

Prior to him asking me for help and telling me to hurry up, I came outside and saw him and the other laborer smoking and talking.  I said I guess it’s break time.  I walked past the truck, hit my vape a few times and proceeded to my car where I mixed a water with lemon juice and drank it.  I usually have a bottle of lemon juice with me to flavor my water.  I like the taste and it’s more refreshing.  

It wasn’t this one incident either, although had it been I may have reacted the same way.  I was recognizing the pattern of him misunderstanding our relationship, or I perceived that he thought I was the one who he got to control for the day, probably because I was white and the other two were black.  As I said, although the guy I was working with worked steady all day, and after his first roughly hour there the other guy worked well too but still found some time to fuck off, I was moving the fastest and you’re going to tell me to hurry up?  You got the wrong one buddy, there ain’t no Pepsi over here.  Ray Charles Pepsi commercial reference, I know most of you are too young to know about that.  

90 percent of the time I’m trying to provide the best possible service to who ever I’m working for, and will go above and beyond for customer satisfaction and the possibility of a bonus.  But when you cross that managerial line I’ll remind about the nature of our relationship.  

Things improved later in the day, he was apologetic towards me, and when somebody takes one step back I take two steps back, because I don’t like the idea that you feel indebted to me, or you feel like if you say something to me about what should be prioritized I’m going to remind about our relationship.  

When he came back with the other guy with the second load, I was cleaning and folding blankets.  There were only a few pieces left in the garage, 2 man pieces and steady all day was on his phone, so I decided to fold blankets for him.  When he came back he asked me to fold blankets.  So I kept folding blankets while the last maybe 4th of the truck on the second load was being unloaded.  We had a cigarette and talked, but I continued folding blankets as we smoked.  I typically don’t smoke cigarettes, I do vape, but every once in awhile when I have the opportunity to while working, or maybe drinking I’ll have a cigarette.  And I told him he pissed me off telling me to hurry when I was already moving at a fast pace.  

It was a tough move, 3 bedrooms upstairs, 2700cf total.  I did legs at the gym the day before and applied some new techniques, so my legs were already sore.  He had a lot of furniture going upstairs around a tight turn.  For the most part we didn’t hit the walls.  I did break the handle on his heavy ass wardrobe.  He was upset about it and rightfully so.  I wanted to apologize to him, but it seems so inauthentic and doesn’t accomplish anything.  Obviously I wasn’t trying to do it, we were coming around the turn and I needed to lift it onto the stair, I thought it would hold to go up 6 inches.  It’s minor, the fixture looks like it has a nail that goes through it, otherwise it screws into something.  It’s repairable.  If I felt like I could have repaired it I would have, I just didn’t believe I had the tools or materials to repair it properly.  That’s worth something, having righted the wrong entirely, I’m sorry isn’t.  Although I tried to provide him good service all day, I tried to raise the bar even higher to make up for my poor judgement.  He had issues with things done of the other guys did, in the assembly of the mirror, and in the other guys bringing the mattress up and placing it, then removing the plastic which I presume either pulled the bed out of position, or left plastic under the mattress.  He said something like come on guys, did you take the plastic off after you put the mattress down? Which isn’t to toot my own horn, only that I did focus more on what I was doing after breaking the handle.  

There was a somewhat funny moment.  I didn’t know there was more to load.  At one point I came out to the garage to pick up an item and I saw the truck pulling away.  I thought the items were all unloaded and he was leaving without paying us.  I jumped in my car and began following him.  I remembered that I had his number.  I had the number to the owner of the company not his number initially but when I arrived he gave me the drivers number.  So I called him and asked if he was leaving without paying us and he said he was picking up the rest of the load and he’d be back.  So I returned to the house and continued helping steady all day.   (I don’t think I asked or he provided his name so I’m calling him steady all day because he worked at pretty fast pace steady all day)

Regardless of these interactions, he worked hard all day and the driver contributed minimally.  Which is fine, but at the end of the day usually drivers will give you a reasonable round up for making their job easy.  He only had 100s.  We were due $170, but since it was actually after 5:30 and we started at 9 he rounded it up to 9 hours.  He asked if we had $20 and we all said that we didn’t.  Instead of this cheap and ungrateful mother fucker just giving us $200 after we bust our ass to complete a very demanding job, he says follow me to the gas station.  Not only does he not want to show appreciation for our hard work, he would rather sacrifice his time to go to a gas station than to pay $60.  On a move that cost $16,800 (customer stated he paid him $8400 in case we knew someone with a questionable past interested in the opportunity.  In interstate moving the customer usually pays half upfront and half on delivery). The labor cost for the second half of the move was $540.  

I don’t know how it was moved so I can’t calculate the cost.  I don’t know if they paid a carrier to take it to the storage, if they brought it themselves, or if they brought it in 2 26 footers.  All of those variables impact the price to transport, and then there is probably about $200 a month in storage space on that job if it was held for a month.

There is a lot of money in interstate moving.  I don’t like the nature of the work in a foreman or partner capacity.  You have to lie everyday.  Everyday you have to tell the customer that they’re taking up more space than they really are.  You tell them this is how much you have and this is the cost.  In most situations they have to pay.  My aversion to premeditated deception (which is deception of consequence in that it costs people money) is so strong that I needed a system that bore some semblance to being fair.  I would increase the price by telling the customer that the space between the lines was wider than it actually was, and then they would have a way to verify how much space they’re using.  

The truth is that if people want to move across the country this is the system that exists.  A lot of jobs are taken on by a broker who keeps the initial deposit.  Brokers fight to keep their prices low to attract customers.  When the moving company gets the job it’s already too low to make money, so some increase is always required on broker jobs, and the most common practice is doubling the price.  It usually takes time to get another moving company to come out, so often the customer has to pay whatever price is named and double typically isn’t beyond the customers ability to pay.  The market is as it is, deception is required and is a defacto demand of the consumer, since people would rather have and use the service than not to, and the service cannot exist except through the current mechanisms that require deception.  And you can say raise the prices to where they should be, but if the prices are made known in advance all the companies that continue to do it this way will get all the jobs.    

Even knowing this, I didn’t like lying everyday.  More importantly the longer I do a job I don’t like doing the more I resent the job and the poorer my performance becomes as a consequence.  Consciously and subconsciously.  There’s more important shit I should be doing I just don’t have the resources or attention to do it.  In the beginning of working a job I need the money for survival and there is the prospect of acquiring the resources to be able to do those things.  There were some other reasons I didn’t continue interstate moving, signs that my relationship with my so called partner were not what they seemed and it was beginning to impact the prospects of gaining those resources required for freedom.  But the reason I haven’t tried to go back is because I don’t like the deceptive nature of the job, and you typically have no time.  

Secondly I obviously don’t have the money to fund a trip with a rental truck.  Otherwise I could probably get a 50/50 with a moving company, splitting the costs of storage, truck rental, using their carrier and broker board connections.  There are a lot of companies who would take that deal because it’s making more money for access to their DOT number, broker boards, and carrier connections.  The other thing is it can be physically demanding, extremely time consuming where you’re starved for sleep, and you can stop giving much of a fuck very quickly.  Wrap furniture poorly, stuff it in the truck and go.  I hated the job but it was a good opportunity for money.  

I had to replace my car, saw my daughter and spent some money there, and after I finished with some money saved hoping to get started I was arrested in Florida for 3 grams of weed, a pipe with weed residue, and 4 10 mg gummy edibles that I was initially charged with 2 felonies and 4 misdameanors for. (Story is in Florida Ordeal book) This cost me a substantial amount of money relative to what I had that forced me back to Wisconsin to fight those charges.  

I had some setbacks working FF&E, car and legal issues that required money, and I was forced out of it before I could save the amount I wanted to save.  I did learn from the experience though having unsuccessfully tried to promote with the $5500 I did save.  

So now I’m waiting to go back to FF&E to try to save 4 to 5k over the next 6 to 8 weeks.  Waiting to go do this time, but hoping it comes sooner rather than later.  I intend to go back to St. Louis Monday if I don’t hear from him with a definite date.  Maybe sooner because tomorrow it’s going to be 95 plus low 70s for the low and I don’t know if I can handle that in the car.  If it’s a low of 70 or 72, it means it might still be 80 at midnight.  And not drop into the mid 70s until 3am.  Even low 70s is uncomfortable to sleep in.  

I can afford $150 maybe $200 a week but there isn’t likely anyone willing to rent to me on terms that will provide enough comfort for me to be willing to spend the money, and that’s if anyone will rent me a room for 1 week and in consideration of my circumstances where although I work regularly, I don’t have a set schedule.  

I should have work on Sunday, and a quick assembly Monday morning which is the reason I plan on waiting until Monday.  Hopefully I find something for tomorrow as well because I don’t know how I’m going to do 95.  

5/3/2022

There was a YouTube poll in my feed asking whether Roe. V. Wade should be overturned. There was almost a majority of votes for unsure which was interesting to me. With the implications being that states will be tasked with regulating abortion, you would think that most people are either for it, or against it. This means the implications of the poll numbers is a great majority of people don’t know what Roe.vWade does.

I’m in the unique position of being pro choice, but also not caring if Roe. V. Wade is overturned. I wrote about this in the Camp Journal when the case to determine whether the state of Mississippi’s abortion law is constitutional was going to be heard by the supreme court

Liberty states that action that does not interfere with the liberty of others is right action. A fetus is not conscious and therefore has no liberty to impose on. Morally, I don’t see anything wrong with abortion.

Secondly, knowing that 2/3rds of people born in the bottom 40% of income earners will remain in the bottom 40% of income earners, and how these circumstances are often trapping, create a predisposition to commit crime, and to become drug dependant, why would you want to subject someone to those circumstances?

Consider the life of Carl Panzaram. He was born into horrible circumstances, the victim of poverty and abuse, he became a serial rapist and killer, and was eventually executed. In my casual familiarity with his story, in his life, other than probably raping and killing you don’t find any noteworthy positive periods or even experiences. A shitty life from the moment he can remember to the moment he was executed. I’m not implying that most or even some unplanned pregnancy will produce serial killers, but I am saying the circumstances many people are born into often produce a low quality of life, consequences to the public, and a good people either eliminate those circumstances, or they don’t force people to come into existence within them.

In addition to the interest of the fetus after birth is the interests of the parents, who shouldn’t be forced to take on the responsibility of a child.

Not only do I see abortion as morally right, I see the prohibition of abortion as morally wrong indirectly. The prohibition being morally wrong because it forces life to come into being in trapping and disadvantaged circumstances, and imposes responsibility on the parents, preventing them from doing what they’d otherwise be doing without the child.

Constitutionally a fetus doesn’t have any rights because a fetus hasn’t been born to receive any rights. Conversely a woman does have rights including the right to privacy which is the basis for a woman to choose to have an abortion.

As I said it is morally wrong, but if over turned I don’t believe it will prevent anyone who wants an abortion from getting an abortion. I wrote in the Camp Journal that non-profits will be created to facilitate abortions for people who cannot afford to go to another state to have an abortion in those places where the practice is prohibited. I mention that I originally wrote it in the Camp Journal, because about a month later I learned there was a non-profit beginning to engage in such work, preparing to scale up should Roe v. Wade be overturned. Obviously those who want an abortion can afford to travel to other states to get one.

With that said, allowing states to regulate abortion within their states absent constitutional restrictions doesn’t prevent access to abortion, even if it does impose on the time and resources of people within the state who want to get an abortion. Still morally wrong, but let these people reap the consequences of their ignorance and stupidity.

Abortion is only an issue because ignorant Christians (ignorant being a descriptive redundancy when placed before the word Christian) who are typically relatively comfortable and many who have not known difficult circumstances use the issue to add meaning to their very narrow lives. It’s the same as any other group, where the issue is used to activate the members through the activity. It’s an opportunity for image promotion, where people think others see them and are impressed with their commitment, or image promotion before their deity. Politicians tap into this to get these people to the polls which is an issue that doesn’t improve anyone’s quality of life and distracts from the main issue which is making progress in the creation of better opportunities for time and money for low income people.

Banning abortion in places where it will be banned is a good example of imposing a subjective preference on others since the act itself does not impose on anyone, and outlawing the act imposes on others.

It will also lead to some interesting stories of DIY abortions, probably the prosecution of rougher doctors, and other undesirable consequences. What else would you expect from a tyrant species? The best way to reduce abortions is to eliminate the circumstances that cause women to have abortions to begin with. Those efforts change the balance of power, improve quality of life, and are not in the interests of those who create the narratives that these ignorant people think through.

On the other side of it isn’t all bad. The reason it isn’t all bad is because stupid people should be allowed to create rules to impose on themselves. It does decentralize power and allow people to have more autonomy in their lives. It creates an obstacle for abortion but doesn’t actually prevent it. This is why I don’t believe any nation has the right to impose on another nation because they don’t agree with the rights, laws, or some other aspect of organization that they’ve chosen. People should have a right to self determination.

With that said, what’s unfortunate about Roe v. Wade as it stands now likely being overturned, is that abortion regulation will take place at the state level which is still too broad an authority, where many who would vote for a party based on non-abortion issues will elect people who will impose on a good portion of not a majority within the state who would benefit from abortion not being excessively regulated or outlawed. The benefit of decentralizing power isn’t realized because it still remains too centralized on the state level. If it could be taken out of the hands of the state and placed into the area of city or county authority this would be better, since the localities that prefer it not to take place in their area would have their rules and the other areas could have theirs. Of course as I mentioned, if the cause of these non-thinking creatures is to reduce abortions, over turning Roe .v Wade doesn’t accomplish this.

I came across an article called the dark trifecta of personality disorders, the narcissist, psychopath, and Makavelian. It’s so ridiculous to use a set of behaviors and pretend it is significantly representative of what a person is. Behavior begins with circumstances, therefore patterns of behavior are a product of what produces positive feelings within those circumstances. Different circumstances can produce nearly the whole range of behavior from the same person. After circumstances, behavior begins with an objective.

Depending on an individual’s circumstances, a person may exhibit certain behavior under some circumstances that they wouldn’t exhibit under other circumstances. If an individual’s circumstances cause a pattern of behavior that checks enough boxes they receive the sum of that behavior as a personality assignment.

What bothers me the most is the negative connotations attached to these labels. The article states that everyone has some level of narcissism. This causes the label to be meaningless. How can this represent anyone’s personality, if it represents a part of everyone’s personality to different degrees? Personality and personality types is complete trash. It doesn’t matter what person’s behavioral tendencies are, what matters is why they engage in that behavior and the consistency of that reasoning.

I check boxes, but my opinion of myself is based on being a person who objectively sought out what was right, discovered it, and applied it. I have a very high opinion of myself because I do that which I know to be good. I also have difficulties establishing and maintaining relationships, but there are a number of reasons for this. The first of which is my opportunities to meet people are limited, the second is my interests and understanding beyond the superficial is much different than that og other people in this country and on this planet. The final reason is the maintenance of relationships requires purposes for interaction, and I often don’t have purposes to pursue interaction with the few people I do meet.

The point is, people are not the way they are because they are that way, every decision is sequencing, assignment and comparison, and different circumstances produce different behavior. More importantly, these labels are used to discredit and create prejudice against people.

4/26/2022

It seems every job I get someone is asking me how old I am and what area I’m in. Some deliberate conspiracy to attack my confidence by reminding me I am old, homeless, and performing shitty work. I don’t like that shit because I’m well aware of how bad it looks to be as old as I am and the situation I find myself in. I’m embarrassed by my perception of your ignorance. Some would say my inability to effectively promote myself and my rebuttal is you cannot market truth to a people who cannot accept truth, where if something cannot be shown to be wrong than it is true, and that thing being true has consequences in the causes that produce it and in the effects it produces. My problems are a product of people’s immoral behavior, in the inability to understand the value of the truth as it relates to liberty of self, and the liberty of others.

That imposition is explained in Liberty the Definitive Moral Truth and elsewhere. It’s influenced externally. The subconscious already moves the conscious mind to a perception most conducive to the creation of positive feelings. This is the basis for bias, value preservation, ensuring the things we do that cause us to feel good will continue to cause us to feel good. And a lot of what causes us to feel good depends on what we understand to be true.

There is the natural human inclination to lie to one’s self in order to preserve understanding and values, but there has also been the effort of psychology to manufacture social norms that reduce negative feelings, which reinforces self deception because it is the conscious and subconscious (through the feelings experienced) valuation of positive feelings above the value of the truth.

It’s an interesting topic, fat is beautiful, everybody gets a ribbon, good vibes only no one gets to have an opinion unless it falls within what is acceptable, and what is acceptable are those things that do not cause negative feelings, even if the only acceptable things are untrue.

Plan another project and forget about it before I even get started on it. You cannot stay motivated to produce something for which there is no outlet. While you would think you would still like doing these things and therefore you would do them this is a little bit different. I haven’t reread my books in awhile because it frustrates me that no one has acknowledged some of these observations.

Writing in this is more for me than it is for a would be audience. The weight that I feel as a product of perceiving other people’s perception of these circumstances influences how I perceive myself, and reminding myself of how I arrived at the place I have arrived at returns me to an objective perception.

A fool would say that this is an example of bias, the effort of my subconscious to create a justification to preserve my value of myself. That could be true if the explanation termed justification wasn’t true. I know this is a straw man I’m knocking over but it was the first thought I had after I read it back.

Sure, 5, 10, 15 years ago I could have worked and saved and would have the career, possessions, resources, and security more comparable to people my age. But that isn’t where I want to be.

Would I be better off having acquired things but never acquired objectivity, the discoveries, understanding, and intelligence that grew out it? I may feel better within those circumstances but I wouldn’t be better.

I don’t think anyone has ever had my degree of certainty and acceptance in life. Nothing special about me other than a learned propensity to replace false information with true information and having the correct understanding of morality.

What do I plan to do? Short term I’m hoping to make some money between now and Sunday and get a hotel room for the week before the job here is supposed to start. Then I plan on working this project and the Del Rio project which should provide me about 8 to 10 weeks of work where I should be able to save 4 to 5 thousand dollars, and then I’ll set up somewhere, probably St. Louis area. Rent is cheap, I can make money there, and there is an adequate level of disatisfaction there.

I haven’t been doing shit for days, watching YouTube, playing dominos online, eating, and working. Unmotivated.

4/25/2022

Long day yesterday, had a moving job that lasted until 2am. It was actually separate moves with the same driver and two different crews. I don’t know who the company is that this driver is carrying for, but the items were poorly wrapped, and seemingly stacked to create damage. The company pays the driver by the cubic foot, so they cram everything they can cram into the trailer to pay less to the carrier.

Customers are much less pleasant when they have multiple items destroyed. At both moves I explained the moving game and how we’re not responsible and the driver is not responsible for the damage to their items. At the second location it was necessary to calm down an irate woman who was directing her frustration towards people who were not responsible for it.

The first move was pretty uneventful. Myself and two other people along with the driver finished around 8pm and then went to the other location. He had movers meet us there.

When the driver pulled up there was a commotion. I heard something about money and thought there was a problem with the customer not wanting to pay their bill before we started unloading. My experience in interstate moving can be asset in that situation so I walked over there intending to explain that A: they agreed in the paperwork they signed that the final payment must be made in cash or a postal money order before the items can be unloaded, and B: the reason being is if the items are unloaded the company has no recourse other than time consuming litigation to recover their money. Meanwhile, if it is a broker job, the broker keeps the initial deposit, and half of the total cost paid upfront sometimes isn’t going to cover the cost of the job. Labor in the loading, commission to the foreman, storage, the carrier, etc. If the company does not protect itself through this mechanism, it’ll go out of business. Even when items are well wrapped, properly stacked on pickup, properly stacked in storage, properly stacked for the carrier, and properly unloaded things can still be broke. Any customer who hasn’t paid their bill prior to their items being unloaded will use broken items as an excuse not to pay their bill. To my surprise I discovered later on that the customer did not pay until near the end of the upload. That to me was crazy. Which leads me to what I would tell the customer if they refused to pay.

If you refuse to pay after agreeing to be ready by the 1st day of delivery you are refusing delivery. There’s a $500 fee for refusing delivery, your items will be unloaded at a storage. You’ll be charged a daily rate for the storage, (I don’t remember what it was but it was a high cubic foot rate that they already agreed to), then you’ll have to provide a 1st day available for redelivery, and then you will wait until a carrier is available and then we are going to charge you a$500 redelivery fee. If you don’t pay you don’t get your stuff, and we go to court and will win a judgement against you for all the fees you agreed to pay if you refused delivery.

So what do you want to do?

But the contention wasn’t with the customer, it was with these movers. The situation was these movers were told to be there by 8 by the time he got there it was 930, and they were saying they had to leave, and wanted to be paid for the time they were waiting.

One of them was talking to the customers neighbors who he and I mistook for the customer. I explained to them that these guys wanted to be paid for waiting without working. I said I would pay them for gas and that would be it. Not going to pay you for waiting if you’re not going to work., But if they were going to stay and work then I’d have to pay them.

Shortly after I told the customers neighbors that, I told them that. There was a strange set of moments because I was openly not interested in what they were selling from the beginning. But the other guy from the first move was quick to join their movement. This led to the driver and others talking with the sheriffs, the customers neighbors formed a circle about 10 to 15 feet from me, and the rest of the people moving and the dudes girl were about 15 feet from me in another direction everybody chopping it up. I said fuck it I’m right here until we get started.

The dude from the first moved said what’s up and invited me over. I told them I heard em but I’m not just going to come into the circle desperate for attention. Then I told them what I told the neighbors about that situation and they said they were staying.

During the course of the conversation the one guy said he’s not talking to the cops or giving them his ID. So I explained the Terry v. Ohio explanation of reasonable suspicion and that he has to identify himself if he is part of an officers investigation based on reasonable suspicion. He doesn’t have to answer any questions but he must identify himself and may be detained until the officers complete their immediate investigation.

Shortly afterwards we began the job. Granted, the job was precariously stacked, and sometimes seemly without good cause. For example, there were 3 roughly 7 foot cabinets stacked on a 2 foot high table. It’s a lot less work and makes more sense to stack the short item on the taller item instead of stack the larger items on the shorter item. One their grievances was the job was dangerous because of how it was stacked. Then it was raining so the job was dangerous because the ramp was slick.

Preston who is one of the movers whose name I remember spent most of his time on the phone with their broker. They wanted to be paid and leave because the job was dangerous, because it was taking to long, it was raining, the dolies had flat tires, the customers items were broken and probably some other things.

Noticing they were doing more complaining than working I told them if they spent half as much time working as they did talking we’d have finished it already. Then they walked off. There was 4 of em, Preston and his partner and two young dudes who worked under them. So you have a broker who is paid by the driver, the broker pays Preston and his partner, and Preston and his partner pay the young dudes.

They spent about an hour talking on the phone not working trying to get paid from their broker who wasn’t going to pay them until the job was finished because the driver wasn’t going to pay the broker if they didn’t finish.

Prior to this there was some workshop piece of equipment that they said was too dangerous to move. Me and Harry moved it without issue. I asked Preston’s partner what year he graduated from pussy university. He said he bets he can lift more than I can, I told him it ain’t about that it’s about over estimating the danger of moving something.

Although most of the time when they were working shit was cool, we had our moments because of their bulkshittin. I heard him tell the customer we just want to make sure we get paid and then we’ll get it unloaded. I got on his ass about that, because me, Harvey, the driver, and the customers husband were unloading it. Later the customer said something like who’s going to unload the rest of the truck and I said the same people who’ve been unloading it.

They eventually returned to work after talking with their broker. At the end of the night the driver sent the broker their money, but the broker said he couldn’t pay them because he reached the limit on the money he could send from his bank. It sounds like some bullshit, but that’s their issue, not my issue or the drivers issue. I didn’t interfere with anything about their money, that’s not the way I like to do business but it isn’t my business. I need to be with the person who is supposed to pay me, otherwise I need to know where you live, otherwise I don’t want to work with you on the promise of payment. They took that chance and got burned.

At the end of the night the driver brought us to his truck to pay us and they followed. They started talking to the driver while he was trying to pay us. Then he wanted to close the door to count out our money and they wouldn’t move away from the door. It let it go on for a little bit and then I got into it verbally with Preston’s partner again because he was trying to make his problem out problem, and was imposing on our time. The driver called the sheriff, they left except for Preston’s partner who I was arguing with who also left. He didn’t understand that he was imposing on me and Harveys time by trying to put their problem with their broker on the driver.

I don’t what’s up with dudes though. During the move they’re talking about we’re from Dallas, like they’re on some gangster shit or anybody is impressed with that. If we’re doing a where you from, I’m from Milwaukee, median house hold income is about 44 thousand dollars per year about 2/3rds the national average, as a result, we have a high murder rate than Chicago, and one of the highest violent crime rates in the country, almost 1600 violent crimes per 100,000 people, almost 4x the national average of 399 violent crimes per 100,000 people. Plus, I’ve been about that life, I’ve committed crimes, I’ve been to jail and prison, I associated with people living real trap life since I was child, I’ve lived on nothing but a drug sales income, and I can tell you know nothing about that. The point is, there’s nothing you can describe to me that is going to impress me.

The dude from the first move who defected to the new movers cause was on similar shit, trying to impress me with fake prices, and talking about prison, gangs, and guns. What you really trying to do, you trying to come off cool, or are you trying to earn my respect to conquer your fear?

We were chopping it up and he was entertaining to interact with. Reminded me of my homie fat boy a little bit. I made a poor trade with him on something that I failed to inspect, it was a high quality for low quality trade.

He ended up leaving before we started unloading the second job. The point is, bragging on that type of shit doesn’t make you look cool, and during the course of interaction I’m going to know one way or another what’s up with you, but none of that shit changes how I look at you or how I interact with you.

At the end of the move the customer started in with Bible verses and saying we were living in the end times. I was frustrated by that stupidity and told her her deity was fake. Went into the basic explanation of liberty as the basis for morality, told her her deity is a hypocrite and evil because she believes god created humans to serve god or be tormented which are purposes he would not want to come into existence under, and that shows he doesn’t love others as he loves himself. Then I went into a series of half points about gospel authorship and dating that I didn’t deliver or complete the points for.

I bought a sleeve for my elbow that took away most of the pain while moving. I also misread my body in the last entry. As funny or as stupid as this sounds I think my issues the day before where I was easily winded, and felt some pressure on my chest were a product of having to take a shit, the pain in my elbow, and not eating before going to the job.. Because yesterday I ran hard for 10 hours and felt fine. I’m pretty tire and sore today. But that’s a good job, I caught $340 including the tip.

There’s a rest area about 40 miles from the job so I drove out here last night. I sleep better at rest areas than I do parking lots but it was difficult to fall asleep after I woke up at 7. I may take one more day off and go to the gym and do some quality writing tomorrow.

I don’t like to talk about where I came from, it makes it seem like I’m doing the same shit they’re doing when in fact I’m just qualifying why that shit doesn’t impress me even if it is true. In the past I used to bring up being incarcerated, but this would usually be an explanation when asked about size which is where I put on the base of my physique. Not that I’m super big or in great shape but something above average with a few extra pounds. Secondly I might have mentioned as an explanation for mannerisms.

Malcom made a good point when he said there’s nothing wrong with having been a criminal if you no longer remain a criminal. I’m no longer involved with that kind of lifestyle, but I don’t condemn many aspects of it. 1st because most criminality is a response to an individual’s circumstances that are imposing on him. 2nd because there are laws that do not prevent imposition, therefore some behavior that is criminal is not morally wrong.

4/23/2022

The night before last I turned down work and regretted it. I had to drive a half hour from where I was for 2 hours of work where I may have netted $35. I asked for a 3 hour minimum he said 2 hour minimum at $20 an hour.so I declined. Yesterday I regretted that decision because I couldn’t find any work.

Last night about 10pm I responded to an ad for a moving job, was given an address and told to come at 9am. I woke up today to a message from the person who told me he found help at a better rate. Probably wasn’t a better rate since his ad said what it said, it was probably a crew of 2 which is preferable to having 2 desperate people come.

I did have an offer accepted by a woman who needed about a 2 by 10 foot section of her yard dug up for a garden. It took me about an hour and I made $80 but it was a very intense hour of work.

I think I’m at the onset of another pulmonary embolism. Prior to the PE I sustained in December 2021 I became winded with less and less strenuous activity. I thought it was because of the elevation camping in Gila and Cibola national forests. Of course it wasn’t that it was a pulmonary embolism.

I haven’t had the pain in my legs indicative of blood clots, but I have been off the medication for over a month. I don’t know if I wrote about this or not but late February early March I began experiencing severe pain in my legs that prevented me sleeping while I was in AZ. I knew it was blood clots and this was confirmed through xrays. At that time I had about $1500 so I was able to purchase the $600 30 day supply of Eliquis. I’ve saved 1 pill so if the symptoms become severe again I can take that pill and maybe be able to make it to the ER.

After finishing the job digging I received a call from a guy about a moving job. I agreed to do it. I made it to the job before the driver, waited for him to show up and began loading the furniture from the storage. I became winded very easily, and my right elbow has some tendonitis and hurt when I was carrying items.

I texted the owner of the company and told him I was leaving. When he called I told him I didn’t want to do local moving. This is true but there were a few different factors. The first two are I was already becoming winded and my elbow was hurting, and then I think there was some additional fatigue because I was hungry after the first job and didn’t stop to eat. I typically wake up and eat a PB&J on some good bread, have a mandarin orange, and maybe some juice. Then I’ll either have another after I work before I work out or I’ll have a protein shake.and work out. Then after my workout I’ll have a meal, and later maybe a shake or PB&J before I go to sleep. I think not eating before I went to the job was a factor.

I’m becoming winded again with less and less exertion and I’m experiencing pressure on my chest. When you have a PE your heart works harder to supply your body with oxygenated blood since the veins in the lungs is obstructed by the blood clot. When I had the PE before after they put the catheter in my neck and pumped me full of whatever thinners they started me on one of the features of recovery was relief of the pressure on my chest.

I think I’ll be alright in the sense that when I can’t catch my breath I’ll know what’s happening and I’ll go to the hospital. Unless I just lose consciousness and don’t have the opportunity. I collapsed first the last time. Then collapsed a second time and momentarily lost consciousness but came back to and was able to struggle to my feet and make it to the bench. I just don’t know if the next one will be like the previous or if the clot will just completely block the vein and I’ll pass out and die.

interesting point I’m at right now. The question is whether I’ll be able to make enough money to sustain myself until about May 13th, and if I’ll survive until May 13th. The job starts on May 8th and if I work a week with Mark I should be able to make enough to go to the ER and purchase the medication.

I work out at least 5 days a week, and for awhile I worked out everyday. I started working my legs as a means to prevent the formation of blood clots in my legs and also do some tread mill cardio. In addition to this I perform physical labor. I don’t smoke cigarettes, occasionally weed and otherwise don’t drink or fo drugs. The point being is that the decrease in cardio can only be the product of a PE.

I hope my elbow feels better because it is also a problem. I didn’t do any shoulder work yesterday, I had pain in my bicep and back work out the day before, and the day before that after working chest I completely skipped my tricep workout. Today I have chest and triceps again and elected not to go to the gym because of the tendonitis.

But what can I do? If they kill me hopefully there is some recourse after they die.

I was listening to a radio show today. They were talking about marijuana being legalized on the federal level. I don’t know if it is true it isn’t a topic I follow very closely and it’s insignificant because it doesn’t affect the ability of the state to enforce their own laws. Despite being a consumer of Marijuana I am for the prohibition of Marijuana because legalization takes a good opportunity for disadvantaged people to make money and gives that opportunity to those who have the money for start up costs including regulation to profit from the cultivation, manufacture of products, and sales.

One of the radio hosts said it was a bad idea because it decreases productivity, promoting the stereotypes that it causes people to be stupid and lazy. Marijuana affects different people differently. I typically don’t lose much productivity when I smoke marijuana and work, but typically don’t use marijuana when I work because it impacts my perception of time, sometimes drawing out the perceived time performing undesirable tasks. He claims it will cause GDP to drop by 10 percent, not based on any data from stated that have legalized marijuana where GDP has presumably increased (if there was such a correlation states would not continue to legalize marijuana), but based on his opinion alone. There are a lot of jobs in this country that do not require a lot of physical exertion or mental sharpness, which are the jobs where people typically use marijuana, and those who have jobs that require physical activity and mental sharpness are going to be people who are not impacted by marijuana in the stereotypical ways he mentioned. But there are people who listen to a radio personality and then adopt his baseless opinion.

I contend that marijuana legalization increases productivity because it causes people to be more content with their circumstances and perform shittier jobs for less pay than they would if they didn’t have marijuana either on the job or after the job. Again,.not.a proponent, I like marijuana to be just illegal enough for disadvantaged people to be able.to make money through the cultivation, importation, and distribution of marijuana.

I reread the 18th chapter of Walter Lippmann’s public opinion, primarily to extract some quotations for an article in my book Understanding Political Function Through Recent Political History. There is one article that isn’t political history called The Founding Intents which is included to dispel some of the popular nationalist myths concerning what the founders were intending to accomplish through the creation and structure of the federal government. Lippmann summarizes some of that history and principles of the founders in the 18th chapter of Public Opinion.

He discusses how Hamilton and Madison essentially reach the conclusion that local interests acting under different information on issues will never come to agreement on issues of national importance. The federal government had to be an institution that would govern the people, not a forum for democracy which is a point I’ve made within my article. But it also had to an institution that could govern itself so the classes of people who the government serves could use it as a forum to achieve their interests and settle their differences in a civil manner.

He goes on to express that Jefferson revolution was an exercise to change how the public perceived the constitution, where it came.to be perceived as a democratic document and was no longer permitted to appear oligarchic.

He goes on to discuss how patronage or limiting time in government was supposed to benefit democratic processes but led to the rise of the two party system where you get different people but nothing really changes. The last section of the chapter dealt with how poorly congress access to information was which is no longer a relevant criticism.

Tonight I’m rereading that, taking notes, and will include another paragraph or two in the article from the aforementioned book.

4/20/2022

I was able to find work for 3 consecutive days. On Sunday my contacts had been irritating my eye for nearly 3 days. On previous occasions I could wash the contacts with the Opti rubbing them together and it would produce temporary relief. But on this occasion they both ripped.

Following that moment I learned something about myself. I always used to think I couldn’t drive without contacts or glasses. Turns out as long as you can see the outlines of objects and follow Google Maps for your turns, you’re good. Not great, I did clip a curb I couldn’t see turning and my tie rod end is bad, but we’re still rolling.

Monday morning I have to get contacts. I had a concrete job scheduled for 10AM Monday. The Walmart Optometrist should be there at 9 when Walmart Optical opens.

Since I’ve been in Texas this past week I think I’ve spent 5 days parked in this parking lot, usually to sleep but other times just waiting for something to go do, whether find work go to the gym, laundry or getting something to eat. I try not to make purchases at this Walmart. Even though I’m probably not familiar to patrons, there are probably employees who have noticed my car in the parking lot on consecutive nights. When I was here in January and February of 2021, before I had a room through Mark while working for him, I spent the night in this parking lot. When I passed through here probably a month ago I also spent the night at this parking lot. If there are employees who remember my car from 2021, and see it now, it has to be very strange not only that I’m here, but that I’m back. So I try to avoid the store.

But fuck that, 5 minutes from the job and I only have an hour window if there’s no appointments and I’m the first walk in. I ask the woman if I can get a contact eye exam and how long the wait would be, and she said the optometrist doesn’t arrive until 930. But this money is priority, so hopefully I can work without seeing and hopefully I get done in time to get some contacts.

I say scheduled a concrete job, which sounds better than I made an agreement with a guy doing concrete work to provide labor services to that end. I hate that shit. Not as bad as the goodwill work off the app because at least you’re moving around, but I don’t like it. I was promised wheel barrel duties and instead we were out there grading dirt.

I got smacked in my eye by what I remember him saying is a come along, picture below it looks like a rake without teeth.

Earlier in the day the young dude stepped on it and it swung up. I told him to be careful he’s about to be on some bugs bunny Daffy duck shit, where the rake hits him in the face. Most importantly, there’s no cap on the end of the handle. It’s just a metal hole.

Later in the day I go to grab it while it was standing up. I must have stepped on it and it and it whapped me in the eye. Reminds you of times when you’ve taken decent punch in a fight, and you get a surge of show him that he fucked up.

Of course this isn’t a fight so that feeling quickly goes away. So initially I soaked it in and was about to go back to work when I felt a trickle that I presumed was blood. That presumption proved correct when I touched my eye where I had been hit. The whole area was numb and I wondered if I had really fucked myself up here and didn’t know.

I asked the young dude if I was bleeding bad and he responded like I was really fucked up. I went to my car to grab a gauze but the paper towels were easier to get to. I found out I had a very small cut underneath my eyebrow and a small abrasion that turned into a black eye. What’s strange is the whole left side of my forehead is still numb 2 days later. Must have pinched or maybe severed a nerve.

This job took an interesting turn. Not immediately but the following day had implications for the previous day. At the end of the day he told me see you tomorrow. I reminded him that he told me he was going to pay me at the end of the day. First he says “oh you need funds”? I didn’t need the funds I had about $300 I wasn’t going to spend before the following day, but I needed the guns to fulfill the terms of our agreement. He told me to text his wife my name and she would send the money via Zelle. So I waited by my car. After a few minutes nothing came through. He was near where we were working and I was across the street. I approached him and told him he seems like has integrity and is a good business man, something I said because I was going to remind him about the terms of the agreement, and let him know that I wasn’t going to be able to part company until I was paid. Before I could finish the customer opened the door and required his attention, so I stopped to let him tend to that and told him I’d get back with him.

I waited by my car for about 10 minutes give or take couple minutes, and his wife walked around the fence and then came back out and asked me if I received it right after I checked my account and saw that I received it. The notification came shortly after. I said we’re good and I pulled off.

Earlier in the day he invited me to come back the following day to wheel barrel concrete from the truck to the location of the pour in the rear of the house. He told me and the others to arrive at 9am.

After I got off it was after 5’oclock. Most of the optometrists close at 7. I stopped at planet fitness just to take a shower and finished sometime before 6. I was irritated as I called Walmarts where the optometrist was already gone, a Lens Crafters where the optometrist took off on Mondays, another place that closed at 7, I called at 6 and they claimed they were done for the day. Most of these mfers don’t come in until 9:30. Lazy unambitious mfers. None of you want to open an hour earlier, close an hour later than your competition? How about a 24 optometry with foreign optometrists? One room with a card scanner, a receptionist, the eye machines and the link. Pay the optometrist by the patent, then in 25 cities see how many you can keep busy during what time. This isn’t an original idea except in the availability, this seems to be the Eyelabs business model, but even these mother fuckers open at 9 close at 7.

Aside from emergencies people work different schedules, most first shift which means many cannot get eye appointments during the week. If people know they can see an optometrist any time, people will see an optometrist more often and at all times. I was pissed off can’t see for 3 fucking days.

The next day I arrive at the job site at 9am. The customer came out of his house to go to work and waved to me. I mean maybe he waved to me, optometrists aren’t open at 9 so he could have been flipping me off. But seeing his arm moving I presume it was a wave so I waved back. I should have flipped him off and said I can’t tell if you’re waving or giving me the finger, so fuck you too, and if not, good day to you sir.

I didn’t think too much of it when he or the other guys weren’t there by 9. The previous day I was there at 10 the time he said we were going to start and he didn’t arrive until quarter after many 20 after. Another guy came about 11 and the other guy sometime after that.

I waited until about 9:20. I texted him 9am? I didn’t receive a text back. I think I called after that and he didn’t pick up. So I went on CL and found a moving job about 9:35 and left.

I don’t mind waiting to start work, because I’m being paid to wait. But clearly, that isn’t what this was.

The first question is what if I didn’t get paid before I left? Obviously he told them something different than he told me, and now he isn’t picking up his phone or responding to my texts, so he’s already not being 100 with me. The second question is why’d he do it?

As I mentioned, the first thing I thought is he didn’t want to work with me because he has to pay me. He did pay me, but also tried to use embarrassment to get me to defer payment in how he phrased “you need some funds”? When I’ve used labor from CL, I never wanted to leave people wondering if or when they were going to get paid. If I told them I will pay you at the end of the day, even if they’re working the next I pay them as soon as they’re done working or they’ve completed the terms of work. Or if it doesn’t work out what they earned in the time they were there.

It’s a psychological attack for some people, because if I’m for any reason waiting on some money I think about if this person doesn’t pay me, and what my are options are to get my money, or justice serving retribution. That impacts your mood because there are feelings attached to those ideas that you experience when you consider possibilities and options pertaining to your circumstances.

Now prior to him asking me if I wanted to come back the next day he said I looked like someone who was interested in learning things. Probably based on seeing me work consistently and trying apply advice he supplied on how to do different things. I told I planned on being here for about a week and wasn’t interested in long term work in the field but I try to be provide the best services that I am able to.

Basically saying I’m working hard and trying to learn things to complete the tasks today, not trying to master the skill to pursue a career in concrete.

Some may think the reason he didn’t show up or tell me not to show up is because he was looking for someone interested in long term work. The problem is I told him this prior to him inviting me back for the next day. If that’s the case why invite me back to work the following day?

I think he thought I was trying to impress him to get more work when that’s just how I work. I think he wanted to use the prospect of learning a trade and steady work to string me along and get some free labor. He was constantly talking about all the crews he had working, how long he’d been doing it, and all the work he put in on that property. A lot of dubious but possibly true claims, like he painted the house but the house is siding and brick. I mean you can paint siding but they probably didn’t.

Another reason he may not have brought me back is he didn’t like how I approached him about being paid, despite excusing myself as to not embarrass him or make him look bad in front of the customer talking to him about our agreement and my money. I told him he seemed like a person of integrity and a good businessman because if there are a lot of times when there are contradictions with what’s going on, but it isn’t as nefarious as it seems.

Maybe he didn’t like me. Some people hire people with the expectations that the people are going to admire them and subordinate themselves. I’m always a service provider, I don’t treat you like a boss I treat you like a customer and a coworker, in that I’m working to give you the service that you want, and as a coworker if.I have to lean on your experience to get the job done.

He got on the young dude a little bit, but the young dude took a little while to take initiative, so I’m not looking at him like someone you wanted to assert himself unduly.

The last reason is through some means of magic he knew I’d find something else I would enjoy doing more and would make more money.

I drove to the moving job and arrived about 10 after 10am. There was 4 of us and it was a fast move. The woman was a little upset about her goods being damaged in transit. I explained to her how interstate moving works to let her know that the driver isn’t really responsible and she understood that. I didn’t tell her that although some moving companies will provide some money to satisfy the customer, most moving companies will provide you 60 cents per pound per article, after you provide proof of value, proof of ownership, proof of damage, and proof of weight. If your TV is broken and it weighs 8lbs, if you have the receipt, the damage isn’t described on the inventory, you have a picture of the damage, and you have a picture of the TV on the scale, you’ll get $4.80 for your TV. That’s the agreement that you sign when the moving company gets there and tells you you have a lot of stuff, double the space nearly double the price.

I didn’t tell her that. Only implied that the broker never cares about your stuff except in the prospect that you’ll move across state again and go with him. The moving company who picks it up doesn’t care about your items, the foreman makes his commission, and the company gets half your balance. The driver and the people delivering your items are the only ones who care about your items, for the general benefit of your satisfaction, and the possibility of a tip.

He invited me and another guy to unload his other job in Tyler, TX, and paid us well for making the trip.

After I finished the job yesterday it was about 12:40. By about 1:30 I made it to a Walmart and found out this optometrist takes lunch from 1 to 2. I called and left a message and went to get gas. After not receiving a call back I scheduled with Eyelabs and got my trial pair of contacts while I wait for my 6 week supply.

I went to planet fitness to get a quick workout and shower. I didn’t want to miss 2 consecutive days. I stopped at the Euless location and it was fucking packed. Almost no place to park. Usually I tain rear delts.and legs this day. I’ll do 4 or 5 sets of side lateral raises using a cable,.followed by 4 or.5 sets of face pulls, taking every to failure or a set or two before failure. Then I do 5 to 8 sets of leg presses, 3 or 4 sets of leg extensions, 4 or 5 sets of ham curls, and 4 or 5 sets of calf raises. I didn’t want to stay long because I have a headlight out and needed to drive to a rest stop for the night that’s about 25 miles Tyler.

The cables were all in use so I did free weight side lateral raises. I reinjured my elbow. I didn’t exactly reinjure it, I had some tendonitis going on that just started feeling better and it returned to hurting while performing that exercise. I did 4 sets of SLRs, 4 sets of face pulls leaning back,.and 4 sets of leg presses. It’s really all I had time for.

Today I did 6 sets of incline bench dumbbell presses, 4 sets of pullovers, and 4 sets of dips. I was about to do 4 sets of pulldowns and 4 sets of overhead pull downs but after the warm up set of pulldowns the pain in my elbow increased significantly. I may stop doing pulldowns and just add some close grip bench for triceps and emphasize pushing from my tricep and not my chest. I do hit triceps with pressing exercises anyway, dips, bench press, etc. At least until my elbow feels better.

Im usually doing 25 to 30 sets between two muscles every work but I’ve had to make some adjustments for injury and time around making money.

Aside from part of my head being numb, I’m starting to develop a black eye. I hate having a Mark like that on my face.

Speaking of Mark I have him a call and got.some mixed news. The bad news is the Del Rio job is pushed back to the end of May. The good news is there is about a two week job begining in the beginning of May installing shower doors in Dallas. So the 6 to 8 weeks will be 8 to 10 weeks.

Now some may ask why I can work on a regular basis for Mark and don’t seek regular employment instead of surviving off of gig work.

There’s a few different reasons. 1st, I don’t want a commitment to a low paying job, or the expectations that employers have of actual employees.

Mark doesn’t have any bullshit policies, he has things that need to get done, shows you the best way he knows how to get it done, and if there’s things we have to do or can’t do there’s legitimate reasons for it and he will make sure you’re aware of those reasons, as well as your options.

I look it at kind of like serving a jail or prison sentence. Right now I’m basically locked up. “Life in the belly of the beast is equal to poverty’s bottomless pit”, because either way you can’t do what you want to do. So if I go do this 8 to 10 weeks with Mark I can take another shot at getting myself off of the ground. I’ll have the means to do.

Environment is about as good as you can hope for in a semi skilled labor capacity, and the compensation is fair and sometimes better than fair.

I initially left because I thought I got into some serious trouble at an event I went to on a weekend off. He had another job after that he was going to have me begin myself and would join in on after they finished Allentown and then I bailed on that because I wanted to take a shot. It was a bad look but I’ve learned from the experience. I wasn’t ready to go back.

I typically listen to 92.5 Lone Star, which is a classic rock station in DFW. I heart station so about half of what they play is trash and they play the same songs day after day.

Today they had a did you know segment on the morning show and they stated there were only three reasons why you hate people. I don’t rent what they said but it was bullshit. There’s actually only one reason why you hate someone, because you perceive them as negatively impacting your interests, and from this root there are many interests that can effected and many ways in which a person can impact those interests, all of which could constitute a reason for hate. Stupid shit, you wonder why the population is as it is, because people to shit like this to think they’ve learned something and it impacts how they perceive events and other people.

This is kind of out of place here but earlier I was thinking if anyone wonders why I don’t solve my financial problems through steady 9 to 5, although I’ve answered this question in other places, understand something from my material and then we can begin to go deeper into that question. Demonstrate an understanding of something, and then we’ll have a place to begin understanding why that doesn’t work for me to achieve my objectives.

When I’m able to find gig work consistently, I make more money in less time.

4/16/2022

I’ve been stressed these last few days, unable to schedule any work in DFW. Unfortunately when you have expenses that you cannot afford, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything. Every 5 minutes I’m checking the CL gigs section and the Veryable app, or responding to a gig ad. I mention this because I could be writing and researching to about the attack on masculinity through the efforts of psychology to create social norms that shield people from negative feelings. Not solely through those efforts, but there’s definitely a connection between the two. Instead of writing and researching I been watching a bunch of random shit on YouTube while I look for jobs.

My contacts are dry as shit, but I’m not in a position to drop $100 on an eye exam and contacts. And no, I’m not riding racing slicks on my beat up 2012 Malibu with 230k miles, my tires are just that bald. I need to replace my tie rod again, I fucked up and didn’t get enough grease in it and drove on it before I got enough grease in it. Then I’m going to need an alignment because I bought the tie rod end online, so if I buy one from the auto parts store it isn’t going to be the same brand and therefore it will be a different amount of turns for it to be in the same place as the one I took off. I’ve probably also wore out the control arm because I never replaced the bent sway bar that vibrates against it. These are pressing expenses among others. I have about $300, and I have daily, weekly, and monthly expenses. And I’ve been in DFW for 4 days and I’ve found work 1 day and made $50. Soon I either need to return to St. Louis, or go to Del Rio and afford a week worth of expenses. All of this is to say when you’re treading water like I’m treading water, its difficult to think about anything other than making money and the bitterness and contempt for those circumstances and the contributors responsible for the existence of those circumstances.

But today being able work even though the money wasn’t shit contributed to my mood, and also casual interaction with people through the procurement of goods and services. And that’s what I remember about DFW, that the people are pretty smooth out here. And in times passed I’ve made some money out here. With this app and all my bids being accepted in St. Louis I figured worst case I could work these app jobs to make some money until Mark calls me about the job Plus I thought I should be able to smash that POF chic before the job.

That’s everything that brought me through here before Mark called about the job. Maybe he isn’t going to have me come down for the job. I did send him an email just explaining that he can call or text because I blocked him on the phone not wanting to be persuaded to continue working after discovering that I wasn’t in trouble for the thing I left work for to begin with. Then I told him what I’ve been doing over the last 8 months. It’s also possible I may have mentioned something that caused him to not want to bring me back. I was a little high so I wrote too much, but I thought some it was a thoughtful apology and should raise his expectations of my performance. I told him I needed 2 days notice because I was in St. Louis. Oddly, when I asked him when the job started he said 2nd or 3rd week of April, but afterwards said he was booking housing for the project, meaning he knew the date and didn’t tell me, or there is no job and just decided to fuck with me out the blue. That doesn’t seem like him, but I’m always considering possibilities that have an impact on my interests.

Holly asked why I didn’t call him and ask him? Because I don’t want to seem like I’m out here as bad as I am needing to know when the job is going to start. It starts when it starts, if I have nothing else I have pride, I’m not going to be bothering him about when the job starts. If there’s actually a job to go to and if he hasn’t reconsidered the offer.

The problem I have is I cannot stay here for another week and not make any money if we’re starting next Monday. I also don’t want to put another 600 miles on my car, tie rod, and tires to go back to St. Louis and then have to turn around and drive 1000 miles to Del Rio. Not to mention it’s about $70 in gas to get from Dallas to St. Louis. If I go and that job goes through it costs me $140. That’s at least one day of work.

Last few days have been stressful.

KC was an asset to me in finding work in St. Louis, in the clutch when money was somehow worse than it is now. But all people create a draw on the behavior of other people, and interacting with KC didn’t bring me back to a time when my behavior was similar minus work and the habit, but it reminded me of it and drew out some shades of it.

Really only one incident, although there were other incidents that influenced my mood and behavior as well, including general circumstances consisting of financial challenges.

We were doing a moving job, really busting our ass on three floors after we were only shown 2, and the last piece to move was the fridge. Me and KC are going to move the fridge and the guy tells me to wrap up the base for the TV in cardboard. I grab a blanket because it’s sufficient to protect the surface from being scratched and the base from being broken. He says no the cardboard. I tell him I’m not doing that, just matter factly.

KC gets the wrong idea about this. He doesn’t know that there doesn’t have to be anything more than me not doing that and him knowing I’m not doing that. He gets mad and starts telling dude you wrap it up, we moved all this shit, you ain’t done shit you box it up. Then the driver responded to him and I got pissed off and told him pay us we’re out, and now we’re not moving the fridge.

He starts talking about we finish and then we get paid, and implying he wasn’t going to pay us until we moved the fridge, and I felt waves coming over me that I hadn’t felt I’m a long time, a feeling in my chest to hit him. I wasn’t going to hit him, he was a smaller guy, and hadn’t done anything to justify the use of force, except implying that he wasn’t going to pay us with his statement, which isn’t the same as not paying us.

I went outside and took his inventory list and put it in my pocket. He also had two drills and two bags of tools so I picked those up and walked back to the house. Basically taking his stuff as collateral for payment. He was already walking out the door and I asked him if he was going to pay us, and he asked me to take him to the gas station.

The job was $20 an hour with a 3 hour minimum and we had been there 3.5 hours, so we were owed $70. In that time we wrapped and loaded 1700 cubic from 3 levels of the house and the garage, basement, ground floor, and second floor. He gave us $100 and asked if we would help him move the fridge. I agreed to, KC said he was going to stay in the car but he got out shortly after we did and helped.

In thinking back to when I was younger I remembered how I used to feel like that and would follow through on it. I won’t go into that very much, it was less anger and more a pride and status kind of thing.

I think the second day we did a job there we were in this gas station. I’m next in line and this dude in a group of 4 people cut in front of me. I confronted him about it and he said he didn’t see me. I felt like he did see me and later so did KC, but I got my spot back so I wasn’t going to create an issue out of nothing.

I was bothered because it seemed racially motivated, and after giving it some thought KC agreed with that assessment.

I was experiencing events there that were increasing my stress levels. Negatively influencing my mood.

Earlier that day we went though JIB drive thru and there was a woman in front of us, and a man who was seemingly sleeping in the drive thru about a car length behind the window. The woman behind him and in front of us started beeping at him and he didn’t respond. Then she was calling to him sir can you move up please?

He started yelling at her and I started yelling at him telling him what he better do is pull forward, and he obliged me. I didn’t intend to whoop his ass, he seemed to be at a physical disadvantage from what I saw from him, but in that moment if he gets out the car I get out the car and depending on what he does it won’t take much for the altercation to become physical. And I am aware that it’s very easy for people to get seriously hurt and the potential consequences. These kind of things influence how you feel and how you perceive your circumstances and environment, as well as the kind of thoughts you have, which contributes to how you feel, and how you perceive your environment.

Another weight that’s contributing to my mood lately is thinking about how I responded to those incidents, mainly the moving incident. But under analysis I’m not as disappointed in my behavior as I was remembering the impressions of the incident, which consists of what I remember feeling which didn’t produce any immoral behavior.

I found myself trying to restore some of that peace through insignificant tasks that marginally benefited some else. When I left St. Louis for Chicago intent on seeing my daughter and there was what appeared to be about a 2 foot high oval tin trash receptacle in the parking lot of some small town in rural IL that I forget the name of. I picked it up and put it on the side walk and felt better for having done it. Similarly, when I was driving to DFW I stopped in Joplin, MO for gas. When I came outside the wind was blowing very hard and an empty trash receptacle with the windshield washer and fluid basin blew over and slid into an isle obstructing access to the pumps. I picked it up and slid it back to it’s spot. Consequently, I felt better about myself after doing it and these opportunities had positive effects on my mood. These objectives are created subconsciously, and are small objectives associated with bringing me away from the mild aggression that was lowering myself worth, where my behavior was still in check but the feelings I experienced felt tyranical. I’m always analyzing my behavior and what influences and produces it. If I don’t.analyze these events I carry around a nagging sensation that I’ve done something wrong, when in fact I didn’t do anything wrong I just didn’t like the way I felt in those moments.

Yesterday, I backed out of a parking spot at the Walmart I sleep at in Irving to relocate to a better spot and came within inches of hitting a cart that was turned on its side. I didn’t move it despite it being an obstruction probably just because I was too overburdened my circumstances at that time. 3 or 4 days here, no work, and two jobs that didn’t pan out. One job was supposed to be in McKinney so I drove near to McKinney about 20 miles from where I was waiting for the confirmation. Another job was supposed to be in Lewisville at 11am but the person offering the job told me he would tell me when to leave. I drive near the job because I told him I was closer than I actually was to increase my chances of getting it. He never called or texted me to come. With these things and the circumstances I was dealing with I see the cart and thought FYM. Fuck Y’all MotherFuckers. (Fear of a Black Hat)

Hopefully I hear something soon from Mark. Otherwise I have to go back to St. Louis if I cannot make any money here. I’ll be leaving Monday night at the latest if I don’t hear anything or if I don’t make some money to buy me some more time waiting on that job. The job is important because I should be able to save 3000 to 4000 dollars, and I can apply some of this money to secure the comfort and stability to begin promoting material and creating new content including worthwhile video lectures among other things.

4/13/2022

Mark told me we should be starting a job in Texas 2nd or 3rd week of April. I figured we should be starting the job this Monday. I decided to begin heading towards the job and arrived in DFW last night. I worked from this app in St. Louis a couple times and figured I could find CL work. At least for today that was not the case.

There is this chic near Dallas from POF I was talking to. Since I was on my way down here the plan was I would arrive with about $400 and then I should be able to make at least another $200 Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. So far that hasn’t happened.

I figured I would meet her at a corner bar, have a few drinks, and she’d be feeling me and we could smash by her spot. After I asked her if she wanted to meet for drinks on Friday to pick the time and location, she wants to go to some pizza bar place downtown. This changes the potential 1st location expenses from somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 to over $100. And now, if shit goes well I’m going to have to drop money on a hotel, which will probably hit me for another $75. I only have about $400 right now, which is why it feels inpairative to make money. Because it’s hard to justify spending half your money in the position I’m in to try to have a good time.

This creates another problem because I don’t want to tell her this, not because of anything to do with her, but because my situation is embarrassing because it cannot be understood without understanding my material, which no one is trying to understand. This is a little bit of added stress because I don’t know what to tell her, and I don’t want to just ghost her. I also may not be able to ghost her because I left her my number in the message. 😂

Poker has been so fucking sick to me lately. Making good calls, being ahead at the flop and people hitting a fucking over pair on the turn and river after they push with nothing. Other shit too, playing Omaha, I have a low draw, flush draw, and top 2 pair. Put him all in on the turn and he calls with nothing but a one card straight draw, limited to 3 cards since I’d hit the flush if he hit the card in hearts and he risks all his chips and hits it. Flop a wheel with 4 3 Omaha h/l guy goes all in hits a 4 to give him a wheel split pot. Catch a set of 9s, get him all in again. He has a pair of 2s, turn is a 2 and river is a 2 to give him quads. Insane. KK against AA, and other shit where I make the right decision and some fluke shit punishes me. Then I get pissed off and play like shit.

Someone posted on YouTube a quote that says something about crazy people change the world. I decided I would post my reply in the journal section since it takes on that feel, despite the content being stated the same or differently throughout my material.

GTFOH. Human beings have corrupted themselves to the point where any meaningful changing of their world is not possible, and the moral reasoning of human beings has been the same since the beginning of human civilization.

There are many human flaws within the ideas people are indoctrinated with once they reach an age of comprehension, but the inherent flaw that prevents change is value preserving denial. In order for people to like what they like it requires that what they believe is true remains true. When people are confronted with information that challenges their beliefs they experience a negative feeling that is a warning that their self worth or value of objects are in danger. They experience positive feelings from information that reinforces their beliefs. As a result people consume information that reinforces their beliefs and avoid, ignore, or reject information that challenges their beliefs. Beliefs are biased towards ideas that allow them to feel good about what they do, and they cannot be changed because people don’t understand the value of truth, as it relates to liberty.

Human morality hasn’t changed since the dawn of human civilization in principle. Over half the people on this planet believe there is a deity who decides what is good and bad based on his authority. This deity is a reflection of human moral reasoning, that power determines right and obedience to power creates advantages for the obedient. Morality ceases to be based on mutual interest, and becomes tied to obedience. Deity, parents, Santa Claus, family, teachers, bosses etc.

Which brings us to another issue. People believe that their deity intervenes in human affairs. The problem with this is that unless people understand that everything that takes place on this planet is a product of human decision making, and human decision making is a product of circumstances, no real issue can be addressed.

I ridiculed people who commented they were sending prayers to the victims of the subway shooting. How does that make any f***in sense. If your deity was going to help these people why didn’t he do it before they were harmed to begin with? Sent his spirit upon the shooter to reason with him? But now that people are sending prayers he’s.going to intervene on their behalf?

Another tragedy carried out by a mentally ill man? No another product of the circumstances produced by the people of this country.

This isn’t about that incident. It’s about people being willfully ignorant so they can continue feeling good about the things they do in life. And that is why no one meaningfully changes anything.

4/9/2022

There was more to this entry, a few pages worth of thoughts pertaining to a brief conversation I had with KC from St. Louis and how it led to reflections on the attack on masculinity. I need to organize what I wrote a little bit better.

Below is a thought I had about a conversation I overheard in the gym locker room.

I was in the gym locker room today and two men who knew one another we’re having a conversation. The one asked the other something that prompted him to talk about his day. He said he was at a 4 year olds soccer game for his grandson. I thought that sounds like a shitty time. The other guy asked how was it, and he said like watching cats get killed, which I thought was funny in the analogy itself as well as the candor. He also said that most of the time his grandson was running to him or to the parents telling them he didn’t want to play. That was strange to me. Here you have people watching something that isn’t entertaining, to see their child participate in an activity that he doesn’t want to participate in.

What’s the real purpose? To tell other people that your son is in soccer and you attend his games?

To teach your child to do things he doesn’t want to do, working early on breaking his spirit?

IDK.

4/5/2022

There was an article on Brett Favre being involved in a political scandal in Mississippi. Favre invested in some company that was performing poorly. A million plus dollars of public funds was spent by the governor into this company. Favre exchanged text messages with the governor.

The governor’s lack of a basic understanding of football and the games terminology is particularly upsetting. Favre texts it’s 3rd and long. The governor responds, I’m going to open up a hole. If it’s 3rd and long we’re not running the ball. At least say something like I’ll be open, don’t worry we’re moving the sticks, no it’s 1st and goal, or something that responds to the situation where we need to make a big play on 3rd and long.

Initially I found this situation hilarious. It’s Brett Favre, they show a picture of him looking like the unibomber without the hoodie, out here making real business moves, and of course he gets caught. This is the same guy who when asked what he was going to do when he retired said mow his lawn. Lol. Then some ESPN reporter went to his house before he returned to Minnesota, and said someone else was mowing his lawn.

I happen to be the biggest Brett Favre fan. He was going to give you something great or he was going to make a great mistake. But he was always trying to win the game. He’s not throwing the ball away because he believes he can find a throw to make. He’s not going to take the sack if he can make a throw. Most entertaining quarterback in NFL history.

My fandom doesn’t bias me, but I do want to address the what I think happened in the million dollars of public funds going to this company. There’s no conceivable way the governor just took money intended to fund a welfare program and gave it to this company. I presume there has to be.some good or service this company is providing the state. Unless of course it was a research grant, but a research grant on a Mississippi budget seems unlikely to be for over a million dollars. I presume there was some type of purchase made by the state. I believe it is a pharmaceutical company, so maybe it’s COVID related purchases, COVID tests or something.along those lines. What could be more significant than the money itself would have been the precident of the State doing business with the company, where that precident could lead to future business. Or in the case of grants the precedent of the company receiving a grant could improve their chances of receiving future grants. Either way, we have a wealthy private citizen ensuring that he gets a return on investment through the appropriation of public funds, by using his status, money, and the promise of prosperity to the governor, who purchased the stock after he left office where the stock increased because of what he did as governor.

Favre has some money and saw it as a way to make more money. Favre clearly understands how government works, and people with money who know how government works to persuade policy to ensure their interests are served

The broader public won’t see it for what it is. They won’t see it as a clear example of how money, or in this case the opportunity to make money determines public policy. They’ll see it as Brett Favre and this governor are really.bad. And they are, but that’s secondary.

I decided to go to Chicago from St. Louis for about a week to see my daughter but I was confronted by an unfortunate set of circumstances that prevented that from happening.

My budget was tight I was going to be arriving with about $80 in my bank account and $45 I’m cash. I figured I’d find a few days of work in the Chi and see my daughter on the weekend, arriving Sunday night. I stopped at the gym and during my workout I discovered that my meetup group subscription was auto paid. This was a $105 that put my.bank account at minus $23 and I was there with $45 in my pocket.

On Monday I responded to the few gigs posted but they didn’t respond, except for 1 where the guy was looking for someone with a truck, and the other I need an impact to do the job. The 2nd was a wooden playhouse assembly with over 200 screws. There was a cheap Walmart drill for $20 but I wasn’t confident that it would work since it was such low strength.

I contacted my daughter’s mother to see if they could come down Tuesday but she told me they had things to do that day.

In the past I have worked jobs through Chicago when I was in West Allis between 2019 and 2020 but at that moment it was unproven so I came back to the St. Louis area.

While I was there Mark from Premier Hospitality sent me an email and asked if I was interested in doing a hotel with them. That was a bit of good news where I’ll be able to work and save some money again and hopefully not make the same mistakes I made previously. I shouldn’t say make the same mistakes, it’s more of do things a little differently. When I left the last time I was limited in where I could go because of certain concerns I had.

The last few weeks I worked with him was really difficult for me. The longer I’m working a job the more I resent it. I’ve mentioned the reasons in the past. There should be a market for my material, except that this species has a natural aversion to the truth since the truth challenges their perspectives, and the organization of their perspectives determines what feels good to them. It’s never a situation where I don’t.think I should have to work, it’s always been a situation where I should be working to advance my observations, insights, and ideas.

I’ll be good for this project grateful for the opportunity to position myself to start again with the experience of the last time I left.

We found a job for today. Very easy made 60 bucks each and we were there for about an hour. Moved a few pieces. We have a concrete job for tomorrow that might be a few days work.

3/31/2022

I woke up today and decided I was going to play poker.  It’s really insane how bad I’ve running.  After a few hours I was at where I started.  Losing hands where you’re 4 to 1 or better to win the hand repeatedly is bizarre.  

I’ve had some thoughts about the Will Smith slapping Chris Rock incident at the Oscars.  Obviously it is morally wrong, but my initial reaction aside from skepticism over the authenticity of the incident was that Smith wouldn’t have done the same thing to a comedian who is more willing and capable of defending himself.  

Today I was also thinking how the public reaction would be different if it was a white comedian who said the same thing Rock said and was slapped for it.  I think the issue would have been much more divisive if it were David Spade instead of Chris Rock.  I’m using Spade as an example of a comedian of comparable size who also probably wouldn’t have defended himself.  I believe if it was a white comedian who made the joke that comedian would be called racist for making the joke and Will would have been defended instead of condemned.  In some polls I’ve seen it’s about 70/30, condemnation/defense.  I think it would flip where people on the left who would condemn him for slapping Chris would support him in slapping Spade, and some black people who would condemn him for slapping Rock would defend him if it was Spade.

Morally physical imposition is justified to prevent or neutralize imposition.  Someone being upset with what someone has said is not the speaker imposing on that person.  The same thing can be said to different people the same way and one feels bad, another feels good, and another indifferent.  It’s never morally okay to hit someone for something they’ve said unless it’s a threat.  

I ordered a pizza for carry out.  When I’m low I eat a pizza which has two benefits.  The 1st is the positive sensations from the taste and quantity of those sensations.  The second is I usually feel like shit after doing it so the physical discomfort distracts from my mental discontent.  

As I’m driving I see the exit where I need to turn around.  The next thing I remember I’m going straight on the interstate and believe I’ve already exited and turned around.  I drive about 6 miles before I realize I missed the exit and I am traveling in the wrong direction.  

I did smoke some weed before I pulled off from the rest area.  This was an interesting experience and certainly isn’t the first time something like this has happened under the influence.  I think I’ve written before that Marijuana doesn’t cause short term memory loss, it stimulates thought and your attention becomes fixated on those thoughts in the moment which prevents conscious attention towards what’s going on around you. In those states your conscious surroundings becomes like your periphery vision when not in those states, like your vision is focused on the images in your head despite seeing what you’re looking at.

During your day to day life you have thoughts but rarely unless you’re focused on those thoughts will you remember those thoughts.  For example, unless something stands out to you, you may enter a gas station, prepay gas, pump the gas, return to your car and drive away.  When you remember this stop, if it’s uneventful you’ll remember the points of action but probably won’t be able to remember what you were thinking.  The memories exist as images that you saw with different information attached to the images.  Most of what you were thinking in those moments you will not be able to recall.  

Under the influence of marijuana I become almost entranced in my thoughts.  Driving becomes a subconscious function while my conscious attention is focused on the monologue (sometimes dialogue) and images in my head.  I think Marijuana’s effect on memory is largely the product of distraction, where what’s going on in front of you is relegated to secondary attention.  

I’ve also exited at that exit on multiple occasions.  Seeing the exit in the distance and having exited there previously also contributed to the conclusion that I did exit and turn around.  

Yesterday KC had a moving job to do.  I declined initially because I didn’t want to do it.  But he said he didn’t have a ride so I was glad to have the opportunity to show some appreciation for the work he found me when I needed it. 

3/30/2022

I receive emails from a publication called PHIL Papers.  Its a list of recently published academic papers from the field of philosophy.  Yesterday I scrolled through the list and hoped I’d be able to read some of the books and papers but I don’t have $20 to purchase these nonsensical pieces of shit written by people who typically have no life experience pertaining to the subjects they’re writing about.  

The first book mentioned is called Machine See, Machine Do and claims that areas of criminal justice and policing that use technology have biases within the technology, where the specifications and algorithms the technology is based on draws from biased interpretations. 

The following is an excerpt from the summary

“In this book, you’ll learn how algorithms and high-tech tools are used in unexpected ways: suggesting which neighborhoods to police, predicting whether someone is more or less likely to commit a crime, and determining how long someone’s prison sentence should be.

Machine See, Machine Do takes you on an eye-opening journey of discovery, encouraging you to think twice about our current system of justice and the technology that supposedly makes it more “objective” and “fair.” If you are someone who cares deeply about criminal justice reform, is curious about the role of technology in our day-to-day lives, and ultimately believes we should aspire to make both of these spaces more ethical and safe, this book is for you.”

The word bias in the academic community as I’ve seen it used in recent years is typically in reference to racial biases.  Academics for years have pushed this agenda because the reinforcement of racial bias is demanded by activists, politicians, and the media.  Creating research that suggests racial biases is a good avenue for academics to sell books, receive attention, and to advance their careers.  

What’s unfortunate is the biases of the researchers is apparent in their work.  Casual reading of this summary demonstrates that this is a person who set out to find evidence of bias and has already taken a position that police and criminal justice reform are priority.  He setting out to make that case, where he will omit information that doesn’t reinforce that position and will misrepresent information in order to make it appear supportive of his positions.  

In the book Racial Perceptions I show how studies misrepresent class for race.  This is a recurring theme in academia.  Not having money or worthwhile income opportunities disadvantages people in a plethora different ways.  In this country although there are over twice as many white people who are living in poverty and even more who are poor, there is a much greater proportion of black people who are poor.  Which means anytime you compare race you’re going to have a disparity in outcomes between white people and black people because proportionally there are more black people who are economically disadvantaged.  If there is a disparity between criminal justice outcomes between white and black people they claim it’s a racial disparity when the underlying causation is usually class.  It applies to many different things, education, criminality, and almost any area you can compare because economic disadvantage is determinative in so many different outcomes.  

Just to illustrate.  If you have 65 white people and 15 black people.  If 20 white people and 7 black people are poor when you compare results by race in many different areas it will appear that race is determinative of the outcome because more black people are poor proportionately than white people.  This is what self serving biased academics have been using for a long time to fuel racial divide, distract from class goals, and to further their careers and idiocy.  

I’m interested in what is biased about which areas are police more than others.  I presume the areas that are police more than others are areas where more crime is taking place.  Crime is primarily a product of economic disadvantage and this is confirmed in just about every study I’ve ever seen that seeks to measure the relationship between crime and poverty or crime and economic inequality.  Since proportionally you have a greater number of black who are poor who often live in areas with one another you’re going to have higher crime rates, and consequently, more policing.  There’s also a lot of middle-class and wealthy white communities where there isn’t much crime because people have had environments conducive to the development of productive interests and opportunities to pursue those interests.  So there isn’t as much crime and there’s much less policing.  Of course there are poor white neighborhoods where there is crime and increased policing but as a whole, it will appear as if white neighborhoods have less crime because they are policed less.  The point being, is any researcher who wants to show a racial bias in policing as far as the concentration of policing will always be able to show that, because of the proportion of poor black people compared to proportion of poor white people.  

I don’t know what this person is showing as far as how technology nis programmed to suggest which areas require a greater police presence, but I do presume given his admitted agenda it’s along these lines.  

As far determining who is more or less likely to commit a crime we know that people who grew up poor and who have limited income opportunities are more likely to commit a crime than people who have not.  And obviously people who have committed crimes in the past are less likely than people who have.  Black people are more likely than white people to commit a crime because proportionally, more black people begin economically disadvantaged which influences income opportunities as adults.  I doubt there is anything in the algorithms that directly identify race.  What I surmise this researcher does is takes general predictors of crime, then applies those predictors to race and claims he’s identified biases in technology.  

He may have opportunities to go on shows quote his findings, and based on his credentials people who are seeking the reinforcement of those ideas will accept it as fact and begin parroting a bunch of bullshit that doesn’t mean what they were told it means when taken in the full context.  

If you’re really concerned with criminal justice you have to be concerned with what causes crime to begin with.  If you’re concerned with that you’re concerned with unequal opportunities for people to have time and money.  

There are other summaries of papers I may address, but the address of the others primarily applies to the irrelevancy of the papers in regard to any practical application.  This applies to a lot of academia, at least it relates to philosophy.  

3/29/2022

I don’t perceive weight of circumstantial stress as it increases and fuels thoughts and feelings that produce the kind of entry that I wrote yesterday. Today I found some work and made some money, which decreased some of that stress and that reduction has an effect on my mood, which should be thought of as the circulation of perception influencing feelings, feelings influencing thoughts, and thoughts creating feelings.

Remembering what I wrote the previous day through the lens of a different view, I considered deleting the entry altogether, although not because anything was inaccurate, just that it seemed detrimental to my cause, and the criticism of psychology wasn’t very pointed, and it was sloppy. The shift essentially boils down changing of values. Making a little bit of money, improving my short term security changed my prioritization. Where the ultimate hatred is real, but it isn’t as important to me when my circumstances don’t seem immediately dire. That hatred is a product of the unwillingness of anyone to acknowledge my positions and ideas and allow me to respond to said acknowledgement. To truly see this shit from the outside looking in and being unable to interest anyone in taking a look from that vantage point is frustrating. To be the only person telling the truth in context and with consistency and being ignored because people seek the preservation of their current perspective to maintain contentment with their lifestyle. Or so they can continue to like the things they like. I have a problem with these circumstances including performing menial tasks through gig work, or the prospect of working some long term manual labor job. Or any job that isn’t the promotion of my material and ideas. There isn’t a market for truth among a self deceiving species. So whether I like you individually based on interaction, there is always a part of me that hates a part of you. And in the moment when I’m writing this it isn’t the same as I wrote yesterday. Maybe similarities in appearance or content, but not from the place it’s coming from. Yesterday it was prioritized hatred, today it is sober acknowledgement of the existence of it.

There is a part of me that hates a part of everyone of you. That part is the bias that produces the basis for the indifference that allows my situation and the situations of others in this country to persists. Most of the time it’s not prioritized but when my circumstances become increasingly difficult it becomes prioritized because where I am is largely the product of that part of people that I hate.

If a person reads that maybe they think that hatred could one day manifest as some random attack against the public. That’s exceedingly unlikely and is logically impossible. It’s morally wrong to impose unless you’ve been imposed upon, and individuals cannot be directly accountable for collective imposition by one individual. Which isn’t to say that individuals are not responsible for their contribution to the collective. Another topic altogether, but suffice it to say I understand random attacks to be wrong. I’m prohibited from such behavior by my morality. Some might question what if my morality changes? That’s why it’s almost impossible because if my morality changes then the hatred probably changes with it. Secondly, it doesn’t advance any interest. I write this just because mixing public hatred with a record of trapped and miserable circumstances from anyone else, would be a cause for concern.

I came to the St. Louis area because it was larger than any other metropolitan area near where I was when I needed to make some money. I found a job to move the contents of a tractor trailer to a box truck. It was good pay for not much work involved and I met a man named Calvin who asked to exchange numbers so I could call him if I found work and he could call me if he found work.

Over the past week he found 4 different jobs. I drive which helps him when he doesn’t have a ride or to save gas. But the thing is I look back on the last week, and I know without him including me on those jobs I’d be in a very rough spot. So whatever benefit I’ve been to him, I truly appreciate him while I look back on this week. Because I could be in a real bad spot without those opportunities to make some money. And he’s seems to have been solid with me the whole time we been doing these jobs.

This morning I’m playing poker tournaments and going back and forth on CL. I respond to an ad to clean 4 apartments for $200. I received a message saying can you do them today and then he asked me what time. Seeing I was about 39 minutes away I told him 930 which gave about an hour to finish my tournaments ($3 triple up and 10+1 satellite placed in both). I reached Walmart about 10 minutes out at about 9:25. Needed paper towels and a Swiffer. I arrived at the property a little after 9:45.

Today when I finished Calvin hit me up and asked me if I had anything going on. I told about the gig and said I was already running late to the gig which was true. As I drove back I thought about if I tried to include him today. 1st it was only 3 units for 150, which means we would have got $75 each. It took me until roughly 5pm to clean 3, 7 hours, so presumably it would have taken us 3 together. But look at this, me picking him up is 35 miles about 40 minutes each way. To him, to here, then to drop him off, and then back here is 160 minutes and about 140 miles. I’ll probably average 25mpg on the trip, which means it costs me about $22 in gas. 160 minutes is closer to 3 hours than it is to 2 so it means I’m investing 6.5 hours of time to make $53, instead of investing 7 hours to make $150. Although I was distracted a little bit by poker that’s a big part of the reason that I didn’t include him. And it’s a difficult decision to make because if I were in.a better situation, I probably would take a $97 loss to help him make $75, just on appreciation for him helping me make money this week. And knowing shit would be bad for me had I not made that money this week.

Today the person I worked for asked if I did other things. I told him I can. He asked me about cutting a ceiling tile for a light fixture and asked if I would clean another unit. He also had some vinyl flooring installed over a dirty.subfloor with a bunch of protrusions. He asked if I could.do anything with it, commented that he wants to tile over it. I told him I didn’t think you could do that, that the tile adhesive probably won’t stick to the vinyl. I told him I could tear it out, clean the subfloor and put something else down. That would be a job I might be able to get $300 on and could include him. But having already established $50 a unit to clean, and him only adding a 15 minute job to that, its difficult to bid that high enough to split.

I just like to express that appreciation through reciprocation, but I can’t do it when the pay is too low for me to comfortably absorb the cost.

I had some other things I was going to write about but it’s late so I’m going to watch some videos, go to sleep, and write about those things tomorrow.

3/28/2022

I hate to have an entry like this on top but it is what it is and it is not good. I look back on the last roughly 8 years and I’m at a point where all my motivation and confidence has been sapped. That’s a product of every effort not only failing to yield any positive results but also yielding no feedback. Not a loss of confidence in myself or my abilities, but confidence in anyone on this planet to demonstrate basic comprehension skills or even a shred of objectivity that would allow them to see something that isn’t perspective reinforcing.

I finished this movie script, sent it to a few production companies and as usual there’s no response. Not really surprised, and beyond the lecture portion based on Liberty As The Basis it probably isn’t a great script. I don’t know. That project aside, when you’ve produced novel insights and made discoveries that are completely ignored it becomes difficult to want to do anything. I’ve spent about the last week doing little more than working, going to the gym, and watching YouTube videos. And that shit does not feel good.

I can resume criticism of these 2 sided bullshit narratives that the general public subscribed to but as I learned from 2019 to 2020 that doesn’t lead anywhere. People want reinforcement that their side is right, that the other side is wrong, they don’t want information that shows that both sides are full of shit.

I saw an ad for an antidepression supplement to be taken with antidepression medication. treatment resistant depression they called it. The ad expressed that people with treatment resistant depression are just given one medication after another. You identify physiological changes in the brain that are caused by certain patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behavior. But what they fail to realize or are incapable of addressing is that these patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behavior is caused by an individual’s circumstances, including all the bullshit people are fed that forms the structure of their mind. Circumstantially there can be problems with income and time. But there are also problems with a person’s values being contaminated by bullshit since what a person does and what they like is largely a product of what they believe is true.

The problem with psychology is it makes assumptions about things being right and good subjectively. It seeks to maintain the popular myths of this population which many in the field also subscribe to. Therapy is primarily a vehicle to adjust people’s values to be more like others where there is ample opportunity for stimulation. Diagnosis is a check list, where if you have these feelings, these thoughts, and these behaviors, then you have this problem. That problem corresponds to these imbalances and then you take medication. If that medication doesn’t work then we other medication we can try and so on and so forth.

But they cannot address or acknowledge that the environment is a problem. Some of this stems from the proportion of people not being studied who they presume are content within this bullshit. If people are happy like those shown in television, movies, commercials, or those who they interact with who tend to be economically advantaged as they are then the bullshit is good and should be built on and not challenged.

Business is good for them. Everything is a mental health issue and it’s well marketed to very ignorant people.

I’ll digress from this, just things I think about when see ads for this BS.

I have a marketing conundrum. To effectively market you have to use simple objects that tie into what people already like. How do you market ideas that are not tied to something people already like, that don’t bend to appease values because doing so contaminates the purity of the product?

There’s comedian named Shane Giles who did a bit about his dad watching Fox News. I thought he did a good job explaining how most people consume information about current events and politics. He expressed that his dad would watch Fox for hours on end looking for one point that he could repeat to someone. This is typical of how a lot of people watch the news, Fox or otherwise. What they think they know is reduced to some line from a broadcast that they think means something. You can’t talk to people. When I was young and very ignorant I did the same.thing.

Shifting from politics, most people in this country believe there is a deity who decides everything that happens on the planet, who blesses people with opportunities, exacts justice on the evil, and grants wishes like a genie.

Let me get off this path. The point is I’m so fucking walled in by the stupidity of the general population, a product of their biases, and it’s killed my motivation in the results I’ve had, and my confidence that anybody is capable of recognizing anything that is beneficial and important.

There’s a shirt I should have designed but didn’t. Just a shirt that says No Lives Matter. A response to the black lives matter, all lives matter duality. The truth is, no life matters until it can exploited to further someone else’s interests. BLM is a racist organization that capitalized on the ignorance of the general public for the benefit of the organizers, promoting a radical pre civil rights act platform, in a post civil rights act country, where their examples always fail to show race has motivated behavior and usually the examples fail to even show excessive force or misconduct by police. But the point of no lives matter is that prior to the people they advocate for could be used as an example of something they want it to be, no one cared about these people enough for them to not be involved in the situation to begin with. Their lives only matter when they can be exploited for someone else’s purposes.

lol. Im laughing because Bill Burr did a bit awhile back that parallels how I feel about this world. He was talking about movies where somebody goes to a bad neighborhood and tries to save a school. He said I want to see one of those movies where it doesn’t work. The guy goes there and they just kick the shit out of him. He’s walking demoralized, glasses broken, like you try to do something good, you can’t help these people, this is a $300 prescription.

3/12/2022

Just a few thoughts considering what should be done to protect the economy and the quality of life for the bottom 50% of income earners from oil price volatility and inflation. If the disadvantaged are spending more money on fuel this leaves less money for discretionary spending and less money for essentials. Economic growth is impacted by one sector of the economy absorbing money that would otherwise circulate across the broader market and lead more impactful reinvestment.

To protect the disadvantaged and economic growth fuel prices should be subsidized. People within higher income brackets don’t like paying high prices for fuel either, but they can afford it and it does not significantly change their spending capabilities or willingness to spend. There’s collective value to economic because the more money people are spending the more services are provided, the more products are manufactured, assembled, shipped, and sold, and the more opportunities there are to make money when people have money to.spend. A gas subsidy for individuals making less than 38,000 per year benefits everyone, not only those receiving it.

This is how it would work. A person whose individual income is below the median individual income will save their gas receipts. In intervals of their choosing, daily, weekly, monthly, annually, they will submit their receipts and be reimbursed the difference between what they paid and their subsidized price, up to 100 gallons of gas per week.

We have 5 deciles within the bottom 50%, and I was considering different prices for different income deciles, but I believe this extreme measure for fairness would compromise the execution of the rebate process. Mix ups and extra verification for which person, in which decile, is receiving which price. The benefit is minimal. Consider a scenario where the 5 deciles are 10 cents apart, it would be a difference of only 50 cents between the top and the bottom. This averages out to .25 per gallon less for the bottom, potentially 25 dollars per week and less for the next 2 deciles, 15 and 5 cents difference respectively. It isn’t worth the effort or the cost of creating potential problems where people are getting the wrong rate, and all the personnel required to handle those issues.

One rate for everyone in the bottom 50 percent of income earners. This may be too ambitious or maybe not ambitious enough, but I believe anyone in the bottom 50% of the individual income distribution should never pay more than $1.50 per gallon of gas up to 100 gallons per week.

I’m currently in Western Tennessee. Gas is about $4 per gallon. A person in the bottom 50% of the income distribution if they used 100 gallons in a week would be eligible for up to a $250 rebate. The difference is extreme and $250 seems like a lot of money, but most of the time the difference is not as substantial. In Texas a few months ago I purchased gas for in the neighborhood of $2.30, which could have produced only an $80 rebate on 100 gallons. Of course an $80 rebate for many people in this country is the difference between going without something essential or not, paying a bill or putting it off, or having some money they to spend recreationally or not.

We have three issues that need to be addressed. The first is the anticipated increase in the demand for gas if the price were subsidized for the bottom 50% of the income distribution. In many cases the price of gas increasing is a product of demand exceeding production. Some of this stress on the market can be relieved by people purchasing less of it as the price increases. If you have a high price for gas because production is low, but half the country is still purchasing it at the lower price this would drive prices even higher. The only way this really becomes a problem is if supply can not maintain demand for any price, or if the prices rises so high that the unsubsidized cannot afford it without changing their spending habits. In other words if the price became high enough to do to the unsubsidized what it does presently to the economically disadvantaged.

The second issue that needs to be addressed is the impact subsidizing gas would have on demand, and how that increased demand will contribute to increasing carbon emissions and global warming. As is the case with most activist fervor they think straining 1000 gnats is somehow the equivalent of a camel. What I mean by this is if we’re not begining with grid energy, and I’m not talking about increasing to 20% of energy from renewable sources in 10 years, I mean 95% or the maximum feasible percentage to maintain the required amount of energy, in a shorter period of time. See Understanding Political Function Through Recent Political History 2019-2020 for details on that. The point is no amount of cap and trade or regulations for efficiency is going to to reduce carbon emissions enough to avoid 2 degrees of warming by the end of the century. Without a rapid transition to renewable grid energy we’re going to reach that point by the end of the century and then beyond. The potential for a slight increase in emissions as a result of the subsidy doesn’t impact our climate trajectory, but it will have a significant impact on the lives and liberty of financially disadvantaged people.

The third issue is how do you protect the program from fraud and abuse? There’s no real way to prevent abuse if someone qualifies for the subsidy. You can require that they use their debit card on purchases, but people can get cash from others and use their debit card to pay for the gas and get the rebate. There’s two things to think about. 1st, no one is going to get rich off of the subsidy rebate system, since most of the time the maximum weekly rebate a person can qualify for is less than $100, and gas rebate money is taxed as part of income. The second thing to consider is how abuse of the system by receipt scavengers impacts the interests of others. Those who will resort to those measures tend to be the most in need money. People having money that wouldn’t usually have money are spending that money, and they are purchasing the products and services all of us produce. Money that is paid to employees, gained as profit, and both are potentially reinvested to produce more products and services and create more opportunities.

Obviously there may be some concern about the impact this would have on inflation. It would much less notable than the impact the COVID stimuluses had on inflation because we’re not distributing huge amounts of money to in one way or another every part of the population. We’re providing small bumps to half the population who are most in need of relief from inflation, gas prices and otherwise.

This isn’t something that I really want to promote because it shouldn’t be priority over a balance stimulus which empowers the underclasses to position themselves for better income and eliminate the need for such government assistance. But if I was in office and couldn’t get a balance stimulus through, I would push some variation of this to relieve the pressure of inflation for the bottom 50% to increase their quality of life and stimulate spending among the bottom 50% of income earners.

Most recent additions to this page have taken a different direction temporarily. The content has changed from political commentary and media critique to personal experience and reflection.

3/08/2022

I took a moment to observe how uptight I’ve been for the last few months. The obvious cause is the circumstances of having one foot in fucked and another foot in really fucked and leaning in that direction.

I have about $500. I’ve sustained myself for the last month exclusively through poker. I’ve been looking for gig work but I was also moving to distribute flyers. The past week I’ve been moving to avoid inclimate weather.

I’ve been working on a movie script. The movie applies the morality of liberty to the survival of consciousness after death to determine the space appropriate for the deceased. The story begins with a car accident producing two fatalities. Their consciousness survives and one goes to the space of liberty while the other goes to the space of tyranny. The twist is in the beginning while the deceased are going through their briefing it is difficult to tell who is where.

During the briefings all questions about life, existence, religion, and how the spaces of liberty and tyranny are used by those who occupy them.

Dialogue for the Libertee and the Tyrant is very easy since it is largely taken from my material. But dialogue for the survived and dialogue that makes for an entertaining story is very difficult to write. When 1 survived should develop a fearful disposition is difficult for me to go to a place where I could experience the fear that the character is experiencing. I can’t think of what someone would say since I don’t have that emotional range. The other issue is the sense of curiosity and wonder someone would have if they died and regained consciousness disembodied. Then were greeted by beings who began to tell them things. I’m unable to imagine the sense of awe and surprise that the characters should experience in such a moment.

i also pick apart the religious explanation for existence.

I’m almost through with the bare bones run through. This is basically the story, events, and briefing explanations from the Libertee and the Tyrant. I probably won’t use any of the dialogue from the survived. I have them saying generic things within the briefing to get to the points of the briefing but it’s really just designed to get through the briefing. Once I finish these bones I’ll go through and begin expanding on the scenes and trying to create entertaining and credible dialogue. I’m not sure how long.this will take.

My money is low so I will need to play some poker.

I headed to St. Louis, mainly because it’s out of the south and large enough where I should be able to find some gig work. Unfortunately, it became very cold all of the sudden. This is a problem because I need to walk around because of deep vein thrombosis. Secondly it’s a cost and uncomfortable when you’re sleeping in your car.

I left Mississippi a few weeks ago planning on heading to some Midwest destination, believing spring was close enough. After Tennessee everything was covered in ice so I went to Texarkana and stayed there for 4 or 5 days. I checked the national weather map and I thought it showed mild temperatures for the next 10 days in this area but its pretty cold out.

Today I turned on my heater and nothing happened. I was able to tap the blower motor and it turned on but that trick isn’t going to last very long.

I’m tempted to return to Dallas since I’ve been able to find gig work there in the past, the last time I was there I didn’t find anything, and I originally left Dallas because I couldn’t find gig work there. But prior to that I’ve found work there.

I’m near Cape Girardeau, MO, and I need to be somewhere warmer. The problem is I don’t want to be in any of the nearby places that are warmer. Mississippi, Louisiana, Arkansas orTexas.

It’s difficult to know where to go when you have no place to go. I do need to make some money, and one of those places has a better reputation for that than the rest.

Then again maybe a few days of playing poker can can reduce my need to find gig work.

In the last 3 weeks I’ve cashed out about $1300 on a total of $85 deposited, (25, 30, and 30 dollar deposits) which isn’t a lot of money but it’s sustained me.

I really don’t like to play it. It’s a game that punishes the right decisions and rewards the wrong decisions. This is why I no longer play on Ignition because abnormal happenings seem to be normal occurrence on their RNG software.

2/25/2022

This journal entry and the next 3 or so are more or less substanceless. The journal originally consisted of commentary on political happenings but due to changes in my priorities the content has shifted. This shift is the result of accepting that my circumstances will not change. If you’re looking for a sample of something substanative skip the next few entries.

I ordered phenibut to a hotel in Mississippi and had UPS hold it at a UPS facility. It was a minor ordeal picking it up. When I arrived at the UPS facility I was told I had to have a mask to pick up my package. Fortunately there was a man entering the facility who gave me a mask after I asked to purchase one from him. Otherwise I probably would have had to drive at least a few miles to purchase one.

I waited about 10 minutes before I was informed that my package was not held at the facility and was loaded on a truck. I went to the delivery address and called the number I was given for dispatch. Dispatch informed me that the driver would look for the package and call me. After an hour of not receiving a call I called dispatch back who told me the driver did have my package and should have called me. She told me she was going to call the driver and have him call me. She probably didn’t. I waited about 10 more minutes and I saw a UPS truck pull into a hotel near by. I was concerned he was delivering my package to wrong hotel but he came to my location after leaving that hotel and I received my package.

I do not like the south. Everywhere people want to remind you that they’re irrational small minded non-thinking brainwashed vessels of other people’s interests by affirming their religious idiocy. The little bit of flyering I’ve done has yielded even less in the way of results than other locations. I wanted to return to the midwest. I traveled north on 55 but when I made my way north of Memphis it was cold and everything was covered in ice.

I turned around planning on going to the coast, maybe Biloxi or Mobile, but going south on 55 I ended up on 40 west. I been through this area so many times in the last 5 months and I really don’t want to be here. It doesn’t really matter where I’m at, it’s really just a matter of my perception. I’m in Texarkana planning to hold tight for a few days and hopefully spring will arrive soon.

I think I nearly gave myself a heart attack yesterday. I made a bad decision yesterday in poker tournament, and this came after a few days of some very bad beats. I go into vocal rages when improbable things happen repeatedly. Mind you, I’m not losing money, its more about the feeling that I’m being cheated by the software or something else because statistically, it seems impossible that things are 1 in 20 chances could happen 80% of the time, or even things that are 1 in 4 chances could happen 90% of the time for such a long period of time.

After I made a stupid decision(1) that cost me at least $28, Arkansas has a rest area that must be entered from the left lane. I went into the left lane and there was a semi in the left lane behind me who went into the right lane and then intentionally swerved close to me to go around me which set me off further. In fact I initially was going to catch up to him, go in front of him and then go slow, but instead i pulled into the rest area so I could begin playing better poker (2).

1: The tournament paid 99 spots, there was 104 people left in the tournament. Within about 5 minutes we’d be in the money with the 99th spot paying about 26 dollars. I was towards the middle as far as chip rankings. I had about 18 big blinds worth of chips, I think I had about 360k and blinds were 15k/30k. The hand before I had some pocket pair or I had KQ or something. I raised to 60k and the BB called me. I missed the flop and bet 60k post flop. The guy I bet had less than 150k in chips so if he also missed the flop it was a good bet that he wouldn’t call. He didn’t and I won the pot. The next hand I’m in 3rd position right after the BB. I have AK. I raise it to 60k again. I have action going on in other tournaments so I go to those tables and come back. When I come back I’m raised all in by a stack that has me covered about 2 to 1 in chips. In this position unless you have AA, at this stage in the tournament you should fold. Part of me is thinking he’s jamming with AQ or AJ thinking that I’m just out here trying to steal blinds. I was pretty sure he had a pair.

2: I don’t play poker well when I’m driving.

At the rest area I took my frustration out on other truck drivers, just talking general shit about truck drivers looking at some of the drivers and within ear shot. I only mention this story because during the night I heard a knock on my window. It was a truck driver who couldn’t get out because of where I was parked. This rest area has about 15 feet between where the cars park and where the semis park. Other cars were parked perpendicular to the parking lines whereas I was parked within them. I was initially irritated saying something to the effect that you’re going to wake me up while I’m sleeping because you don’t know how to drive? He just said it’s 53 foot vehicle, I didn’t design this place. I couldn’t argue with the logic, and making things hard on him for what someone else within his profession did to me doesn’t make a lot of sense. So I moved and went back to sleep.

My chest hurts. It wasn’t just yesterday but for probably a week I lose my shit over some hands during these runs of bad luck. It isn’t about chips in a tournament and it isn’t about losing money, it’s more about improbable thing happening much more frequently than they should and it angers me. It’s metaphor for my discontent on this planet, where there’s just too much wrong that should right. Over the last few weeks I’ve deposited 3 times, the total being less than $100 and I’ve cashed out about $1500. This is what I’m doing to try to maintain myself and if I can get up enough maybe I can return develop a new strategy for the development and promotion of material.

I did catch some talk radio driving through Mississippi. As Mississippi’s legislature will be voting on decreasing income tax there was a Republican pitchman, or representative trying to connect lower income tax to increased investment and job creation as these things are often miscorrelated. To do this he provided a very poor example of Meta choosing Idaho for a data center and claiming the location was selected because Idaho has low income taxes.

The problem with the claim is a data center doesn’t actually produce anything that generates profit but facilitates th ability of the company to make money through it’s businesses based in other locations. The location isnt chosen because the company is trying to shield profits from higher income tax states, it’s likely chosen based on research showing there are qualified employees in the area and an advantageous labor market. Any correlation between low income taxes and companies choosing to do business in those states is more likely a reflection of overall policy that produces advantageous labor markets. A state that is able to lower taxes is typically a state that has pro business.pro wealth policies that produce labor markets where people will work for less than the national average. While I do not doubt that Mississippi has been and will continue to be a place that companies will choose to invest in, it’ll have more to do with the state having the lowest median income in the country than it does about lower income taxes.

02/22/2022

500 flyers when I was distributing them in Texas, New Mexico, and Arizonia used to produce about 30 page hits. After distributing flyers in Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tennesee, and Alabama 500 flyers produces in the neighborhood of 0 to 2 page hits. Needless to say I’ve ceased distributing flyers in the south. If I had taken the Bill Hicks joke seriously I could have anticipated these kind of results. He was in a Waffle House reading near Fife, AL and a man in truckers hat approaches and says “well, looks like we got ourselves a reader”. He responds in thought what the fuck it’s a book, it isn’t like I came to a Klan rally in a Boy George outfit.

My impressions of this regions is almost exclusively based on stereotypes, I haven’t any substantial interaction, only the results from the flyers and casual interaction when purchasing goods.

I haven’t been doing much the last few days but playing poker. I have been troubled by the last journal entry I wrote. The emotions I felt were largely a product of a lack of sleep and probably some minor phenibut withdrawl. The entry is accurate so I’m not troubled by the content otherwise I would have removed it. I’m troubled by feeling that way. It’s a way I haven’t felt in a long time.

I wanted to clarify just a few things from that entry. First, when I mention empathy that empathy isn’t specific to people in the first area. The contrast did produce the emotion and indignation but it wasn’t those people in the first area and the seeming indifference of the well to do in the second area which is largely responsible for the condition of the people in the first area. It was just a visually symbolic experince, where those who are trapped, struggling, or impoverished in this country are in these conditions because of the indifferent masses. That’s what that 2/19/1011 entry is actually about, not people living in the hills south of downtown Birmingham or the people north of downtown Birmingham.

02/19/2022

I did a little bit of distribution in Little Rock and Memphis, probably in the neighborhood of a 1000 flyers combined. I intended to do more in Little Rock but I had a difficult time finding shopping centers that had a high enough concentration of cars for it to be worthwhile. The purpose of this entry isn’t to recap, it’s more of a decompression from an observation.

After sleeping in Jasper, AL I headed to Birmingham to distribute flyers. I entered a grocery stores into Googlemaps and returned a result of Angel Food Mart. My route was blocked by a train that stopped on the tracks and I could see that there was no shopping center and if this store existed in the space it was listed to exist in it was probably a cornerstone.

There was a Piggly Wiggly up the street so I turned around and proceeded in that direction. Upon reaching the Pig it was a small parking lot with few cars. I drove around and it was on par with some of the worst looking places I have seen. Areas of Little Rock, Gary, Detroit, where you have abandon structures, half structures that look like some explosive device and in general just looked impoverished.

I kept driving eventually reaching the downtown area. I googled shopping centers and saw there was a place called Mountain Mall. I missed a turn that brought me up a winding hill filled with the houses of the affluent and I reached an area with coffee shops and eateries with patrons sitting outside and new luxury vehicles on the streets.

I was somewhat saddened and then angered by the contrast. I don’t like to experience saddening empathetic feelings so I channel it into anger.

I understand as a function of systems and motion that an individual’s decision making process begins with circumstances. An individual’s ability to develop intellectually and interests that lead to skills, good decision making, and opportunity begins with a household environment that is not overly consumed by economic stress. There are certainly exceptions that are presented to the public as the norm but they are exceptions. Evidenced by social mobility where 2/3rds of those who begin in the bottom 40% of the income distribution will remain in the bottom 40% of the income distribution, as well as the median preincarceration income of incarcerated people being about half the median income of the general population.

An individual’s circumstances and development are determined by systems, and in our economic system an individual’s ability to improve or create income opportunities are largely determined by that individuals access to money. Systems exist by way of collective consent and participation. Consent is a product of an individual’s benefit from the system, the opportunities furnished by the system for an individual to have time and money or to be doing work they want to do. Participation is either a product of the benefit, or it is a product of survival.

Trapping circumstances exist when an individual’s income opportunities are roughly equal to expenses and require a great deal of that person’s available time. Because if a person spends most of their time working a job that does not allow them to accumulate money, and money is required to improve their opportunities for income and time than they are trapped.

The indifference of the advantaged to the systems that produce benefits for them and traps others brings responsibility upon those advantaged individuals. I said to myself as I drove there are going to be a lot of people who are surprised when they die when that responsibility is brought to their attention. Since systems produce circumstances and one benefits from systems that trap others that is collective imposition on those trapped individuals. Tyranny imposed through indifference.

I give you the explanation of what you’re told through the fictional accounts of your false deity “It’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven”. Of course heaven isn’t a kingdom. I wouldn’t make this parallel but considering the depth of the subscription to the Christian superstition in this part of the country it seems appropriate and beneficial.

This brings me back to a comment I received while distributing flyers in Oklahoma City. I was asked what the flyer was about and I replied it’s the promotion of ideas to increase income opportunities for the bottom 50% of income earners. He said “bottom 50%%”?

In retrospect I perceived this seemingly insignificant comment almost as a scoff, or the inflection implied that I am promoting divisiveness along class lines. Of course that is not what I am trying to do. If an individual has time and money they have the resources to acquire the know how, and with time, money, and know how a person can do what they want to do. This is why most human problems are a product of unequal opportunities for people to have time and money, because the human constant is that all people want to do what they want to do at all times.

This website and my mission is more than just improving income opportunities for people in this country, I also aim to educate and create self awareness through a better understanding of behavior and a more objective perception of reality. But, for improving income opportunities, many of the ideas will do this for people in the jobs they already have, none of it requires animosity towards the affluent, none of it requires raising their taxes, and none of it requires imposing on their property. In fact, from the affluent and even the marginally wealthy all I ask is for their attention to these issues, their willingness to understand these problems, and their support for achieving objectives that will correct imbalances. And correcting imbalances serves the interests of the affluent and marginal wealth because it will reduce and eliminate the costs associated with economic inequality. Also, a more prosperous underclass, produces more prosperity for the upper classes.

Outside of this support their responsibility for what exists is still imposition, and I find solace in understanding the consequences for that imposition through indifference.

If I cried, I would have cried based on what I felt from driving from the one area to the other, it was a vivid representation of my flyer and understanding. But this world and people are soft enough, and I’m not contributing to that shit.

2/12/2022

I left Phoenix and have resumed flyer distribution, distributing only about 250 in Amarillo, TX, and probably about 1000 in the OKC area. The effort has been an exercise in futility, attracting page hits but I’ve failed to attract any serious attention. By serious attention there has been no downloads of free books, requests for books, book sales, questions, video hits, and only one comment.

The comment was left by someone who may have viewed the preview of one book and presumed it is my entire mission. He also said he can’t figure out which side of the coin I am on. I responded to him but if he was really interested in knowing he could have spent a few minutes reading some of the articles on the website it would have probably given him a better idea. That isn’t how people function. He cannot look at the content and judge it based on merit. He has to know if I subscribe to the same view and if I do then he’ll be receptive to what I’m saying, and if not then he isn’t interested in anything. He doesn’t know how to fell about anything on the site because it hasn’t been covered, or no one has told him how he should feel about it.

I recently replied to an ad to assist a contractor on some landscaping projects in the Casa Grande area before I decided I wanted to finish distributing these flyers across the south. In my response to the ad I provided a summary of work experience and a general idea of what I’m trying to accomplish long term in the political, economic, and behavioral content. He replied to me that he had some plant projects coming up and asked if I was left or right and to not say middle of the road. It’s relevent to whether or not he wants to retain my services since him presumably being on the right wouldn’t want to listen to someone bringing left wing talking points to work everyday.

I was at the gym and was putting together my reply in between sets and as it typically does the answer becomes a lecture. The reason being is I am where liberty is greatest and where the truth is as a product of motion. Truth as a product of motion is the observation of causes that produce effects. Neither side is they say is consistent with liberty and truth, so how can I associate myself with a side? My political content aside from the proposal of solutions is largely a product of addressing popular misconception promoted by the left as well as by the right. The best explanation I can provide is the main problems I have with each side which in summary barely scratches the surface of what is wrong with people in this country.

The biggest problem I have with the left is 1: the division of the underclasses through the baseless promotion of race, gender, and sexuality as a source of disadvantage, 2; wasteful spending on ideas that do not improve the lives of economically disadvantaged people in this country, 3: the diversion of attention from the disatisfaction of people in this country that cause them to want to harm others indiscriminately to the weapons they use, 4: the brainwashing of ignorant people in this country by inserting the word science in front of opinions that cause people to accept non-factual opinions as fact, 5: claiming to be concerned about the interest of the public when the democrats serve the interests of industry, and rank and file left, mainstream, and the extreme promote their causes for self serving purposes not the purposes of address the causes they purport concern for. If i wasn’t scrawling this out at a Taco Bell I could certainly add to this and my content is more specifically addresses these general grievences.

The problems I have with the right are as follows 1: subscription to a nationalist view of their country that wrongly places responsiblity for individuals failures on the individuals shoulders, failing to acknowledge the wealth of data that shows the correlation between a child’s development and household income, houshold income and the liklihood that one will become a criminal, and the basic law of cause and effect that a decison begins with circumstances. 2: Their general indifference to the circumstances produced by the systems that they benefit from. I’m not talking about the charity, where the pleasure is inherent in the act, I am talking about not supporting ideas to allow people to position themselves to have better income opportunities. 3: The blaming of mental health issues with random acts of violence because they refuse to accept responsiblity for the kind of people their country produces that want to randomly harm people. 4: Their illogical religious explanations for existence that are detrimental to everybody. 5: Generally, my problem with the right is they believe that things are good because things have typically been good for them and other people who they know. They credit their deity, their country, and their own superiority for their accomplishments without acknowledging their circumstantial advantages and opportunities, material opportunities as well as developmental opportunities. Again I could go on but much of this is covered in my material and I’ve been in this Taco for awhile now.

People still will try to push me into one box or the other despite not fitting. What did Jesus say happens when you put new wine into old bags? The new wine is still fermenting and bursts the old bags that have already been stretched to their limits. To put me in one box or another they’ll try to categorize me through issues, but even when they do this whereever I fall I arrive there for different reason based on consistency with the morality of liberty, and other times my position is entirely different that the position of both sides.

I’ll clean this up as time permits. I’m heading to my next city.

2/10/2022

On my drive from the gym to the rest area I caught a few minutes of an NPR broadcast and among what was discussed was rising inflation and expectations that prices will not reverse. Around the time of the 3rd Covid stimulus I wrote that the small amounts provided to too broadly qualifing segments of the population would be insignifcant in the short term and make the poor poorer in the long term. In a years time we artificially spent roughly 6 trillion dollars providing money for business and many people who really didn’t need it. My main concern about the senseless restrictions, excessive spending, and rising inflation is how it serves as an obstacle to a balance stimulus if the idea ever entered the public consciousness.

I know the soultion to inflation is a balance stimulus but I anticipate economists will claim it will lead to even greater inflation. However, what economists and I agree on is that inflation is reduced through over supply. In addition to helping people overcome income impediments centered around employment opportunites and increasing skills will be an explosion of small businesses. Along with this explosion of small businesses will be consumer diversion from large businesses to these new small businesses as small business owners support one another. This diversion of consumer attention from large to new small businesses will force large companies to reduce prices.

After the commentary on inflation they mentioned that Pfizer made more money off of their vaccine than any other pharmacutical product in history. That’s what this has been about. I believe the number is 39 billion dollars.

A few days ago I my right leg began hurting. The following day I woke up at 4:45am and the pain was so severe I couldn’t fall asleep. This was similar to how my leg was feeling in the days prior to my pulmonary embolism in December. I was supposed to remain on blood thinners for at least 3 months but I didnt want to spend the money on the prescription. As I expected they found blood clots in my leg.

I was given a coupon for another 30 day supply of the blood thinners but apparently this was how the hospital in December got the first 30 day supply for me. I wasn’t going to get the blood thinners. I figured I’ll go until I get another PE and if I survive they can keep me in the hospital for a few days and pump me full of the blood thinners and that should buy me some time again. The next morning when I got out of my car to walk to the rest room I was limping and in a good amount of pain. I searched the internet for a coupon since full price is $770 and found a discount for $594. I had to spend roughly 1/3 of my money to relieve the pain in my leg and possibly to prolong my life.

2/5/2022

I returned to DFW to renew my registration and distributed about 3000 flyers between Chandler AZ and Dallas, TX.  After renewing my registration I intended to finish distributing the roughly 8000 flyers I have remaining throughout the south.  Destinations included Little Rock, Memphis, Birmingham, Jackson, and probably some other places along the way.  This plan was thwarted by inclimate weather including snow and very cold temperatures at night.  This isn’t an issue in and of itself but since I spend a majority of nights sleeping in my car weather is an issue.  So I decided to return to Phoenix since it is one of the few places in the United States that isn’t very cold at the moment.  I originally came to Phoenix to save money to prepare to campaign in the spring in the midwest.  

In the past week I went from Phoenix to DFW and now back to Phoenix.  I’ve been playing poker to earn money which has positioned me to have a little more this week than I had at the same time last week.  I won a tournament for $200, took second in another tournament for about $350, and won another tournament for about $350.  It takes a lot of my time and I would prefer to be promoting and creating material.  Despite my winnings, my luck in poker is horrible.  By this I mean I tend to lose hands from positions where the hand wins about 90% of the time, about 50% of the time or less.  Some of this comes from the stakes I play which are typically low buy in tournaments where really bad players make really bad decisions and luck out on me more than they should. 

 I’m still looking for gig work and although I know I’m better than average I cannot rely on poker as a source for income.  Yesterday I had $35 left over from the $650 I cashed out the previous day and ended the day at about $65.  I’m typically able to place enough or win enough sit and gos to gain a little or break even but in order to make money I have to make final tables.

Yesterday I heard a story on the radio about a police officer who punched a 13 year old girl.  Officers were making an arrest of suspects in an apartment complex who stole a car.  One of the suspects was resisting and residents with an anti-police disposition were gathered antagonizing police and obstructing the arrest; initially refusing lawful orders to maintain a safe distance and then the 13 year old punched a female officer in the face.  The officer who was described as roughly the same size as the 13 year old responded by punching her back.  

I had a few thoughts related to the story as to the motivation of the teen who struck the officer, the appropriateness of the response, and a response to the analysis related to the story.  The motivation of the child is the anticipation of admiration and respect from her peers.  Image promotion is one’s perception that an action will increase others opinion of them which feels good because it increases their self worth in perceiving themselves as someone who others value.  There are other positive feelings that come from social opportunities and perceived esteem within the  group.  

In the decision making process there is the value of the objective which is rooted in image promotion that exceeds the value of objectives that will be harmed by the consequences of striking the officer.  The objective isn’t to prevent the officers from arresting the suspect.  She knows 1 she will be overpowered, and 2 she will be arrested, but her perception of how others will view her for assaulting the officer exceeds these consequences and the impact these consequences will have on other objectives  The motivation is image promotion.   

The action of the officer responding as she did is completely appropriate and lawful.  At the moment the teen strikes the officer she has committed a crime and the nature of the crime creates a reasonable belief that force will be necessary to take the teen into custody and make an arrest based on probable cause.  As mentioned on the program the officer is approximately the same size and does not know the age of the perpetrator.  Yet even if the officer did know the age of the perpetrator what else should she have done?  Tell the teen who clearly doesn’t respect her authority  she is under arrest and place her hands behind her back?  Should she go hands on without striking her?  And if she is unable to take the teen to the ground the teen will continue assaulting her.  And if she is able to take the teen to the ground what are the chances that the other residents present will not follow her lead and interfere with her apprehension creating an even more dangerous situation for the police?  

The person being interviewed on the radio reviews the use of force by police for a living in some official capacity but I forget his title.  He mentioned that people see 10 or 20 second clips of footage that doesn’t tell the whole story.  The implications of the statement are that if people knew the whole story they would reach different conclusions about these kinds of events.  That isn’t the issue.  If you give someone the option to see the whole story or to see a clip that reinforces their perspective they’re going to choose the information they want to be true, not the information that is true.  This is what I am talking about when I am talking about self deception.  Reinforcement feels good, and challenges feel bad because the changing of what is true changes the assignments of value or what a person likes.  This is why the subconscious imposes negative feelings when one is confronted with challenging information and creates justifications to avoid challenging information.  For example, if one hears about this story that an officer punched a teen, or sees only the clip of the officer punching the teen and someone tries to show them the whole incident or explain to them why the act is appropriate they may respond that they don’t care what happend an adult should never punch a child.  In this they can avoid exposure to the whole story and anything beyond the isolated understanding of the event becomes irrelevant.  This is a justification to protect their position, their perspective, their values, and their self worth, which is tied to identity, which is tied to their truth (or assignments of true and false to objects.)

The last portion of this story I wanted to comment on was the assertion that communities are safer when the community cooperates with police and less safe when the community does not cooperate with police.  Cooperate may not have been the word they used, but the sentiment was that when the community has a good relationship with the police the community is safer.  The relationship the community has with police typically depends on income levels within the community which also has to do with how much protection the community requires from people within the community who create threats to be protected from.  People in communities where people have comfortable incomes have better relationships with the police because they want their persons and property protected.  These communities are generally safer because comfortable incomes create environments where children develop productive interests and do not turn to criminality for opportunity, or do not engage in criminality for inherent pleasures that cannot be gained through productive endeavors.  

I’ve written about his repeatedly citing studies that show the pre incarceration median income of incarcerated people is about half the median income of the general population, that there is a direct correlation not just in the United States, but globally, between income inequality and crime, and that the lower the household income is that a male is born into, the greater the likelihood that he will be in prison in his 30s.  If we’re talking about making communities safer, or even if we’re talking about improving community relationships with police we have to be talking about increasing income opportunities for the bottom 40 to 50% of income earners.  Even the position that the police are a force of tyranny is a position that comes from distracting from class goals and stems from underclass discontent and a place to channel that discontent.  

This is why I say and it is true that all problems are a product of self deception and unequal opportunities for people to have time and money.  This is why I channel my efforts into promoting explanations of political, economic, and behavioral function, and solutions to address unequal opportunities for people to have time and money.  This is why the soap opera narratives created by politicians and the media that keep the people of this country entranced in deception and irrelevancy is largely unimportant.  I spent a year addressing the soap opera narratives and people didn’t care because it didn’t reinforce their perceptions.  Much of that is in the book Understanding Political Function Through Recent Political History 2019 -2020. 

1/26/2022

This page states that I haven’t had time to keep up on the Daily Journal because I’ve been busy with work and recording videos which is mostly true, but I have written a few entries that I’ve taken down because they pertain to my life experiences without anything substantive concerning current events and topics.  Secondly, the narratives do not change and are variations of the same things with new happenings.  This means providing commentary on the media is very repetitive because the facts and functions that address the same things in old happenings address the same things in new happenings.  How many times do I have to restate the same things?  

For example, today I turned on talk radio. It was an NPR program featuring someone who works for the New York Times and I forget the name or the capacity with which he is employed.  To my surprise he did make some very relevant points on the topic of covid, mainly how politicized perspectives are.  I caught the program from the point where he stated that the most protected are the most concerned, those who are vaccinated and boosted are the most concerned, those who are vaccinated and not boosted are slightly less concerned, and those who are unvaccinated are not concerned at all.  His point in mentioning this is that those who are the most protected should not be the most concerned, stating that since they believe the science about the danger of covid (including variants) they should believe the science that states they are protected by the vaccines and even if infected they will have a less severe outcome.  

The issue is as I mentioned in the Covid-19 Media Project Summary video is a person who believes science doesn’t understand anything.  Science is something that is not  to be believed, science is something that has to be understood and this demonstrates the ignorance of people in this country, and is further illustrated as he proceeds in citing statistics about people’s views in this country where democrats tend to believe the virus is more dangerous than it is and republicans believe it is less dangerous.  This is because as I often state, what a person believes is based on what that person likes, consuming perspective reinforcing information and ignoring and avoiding information that challenges beliefs.  Positive feeling in the former, and a negative feeling in the latter as the latter threatens an individual’s value of objects including value of self.  Which is why I am where I am in this world.  

He mentions how preventative measures, restrictions, have saved lives and for the first time I’ve heard someone from the left mention the costs.  He mentions the rise of violent crime, mental health issues, problems for children being prevented from going to school, increases in overdose deaths, among other issues.  Where does this put me?  It puts me in a position to restate the data from the CDC, the science, that lives have not been saved.  Perhaps the lives of the very old and very sick have been extended for a year or slightly longer, but no lives have been saved in the sense that someone who would otherwise live for decades is gone because of covid.  The explanation of this conclusion through the data is available in the introduction on the Covid 19 Media Project (which can be viewed on the product page without purchase) as well as many other places.  

It appears the left has sold the masks they needed to sell, sold the vaccines they are going to sell as well as enough boosters and anticipated boosters, and given enough sector specific industry advantages that they’re ready to begin molding the minds of the ignorant back to a place where they can feel safe again.  It’s a tough road because for the last 2 years you’ve been omitting “the who” dies from covid in an effort to create fear to serve a party and industrial interest.  Now you have to sell the same people on the protection of the vaccines but the problem is these people know the vaccines are not 100% effective, and they also know that being vaccinated does not necessarily prevent severe symptoms.  I know two people who were infected with covid, both were vaccinated, my daughter and her mother.  My daughter is 16. Her symptoms were very mild, but her mother was pretty sick for about 2 weeks.  

Last year when I was in Vegas and I was looking for a new room to rent I was explaining covid to a person who I was initially interested in renting a room from.  They replied to an email I sent by saying that anyone can die of covid without explanation, and without acknowledging any of the points I made through the CDC data I presented.  As I stated many times before the exaggeration of danger has also been the omission of who can die if infected with covid and convincing people the virus is randomly deadly.  If this person, or one of the many people like this person knows someone like my daughter’s mother who was vaccinated and was as sick as she became for about 2 weeks, they will think a vaccinated person who is healthy can still potentially die if infected with covid.  As of September 2021 with a year and a half worth of data, out of 17 million cases there were 13 deaths of healthy people aged 0 to 39, and not dramatically more as we climb the age range until we reach over 75 and especially over 85.  More importantly the survival rate of people with underlying medical conditions is also high where the stage of the condition and overall health of the person is determinative of severe outcome, not the presence.  

He also mentions how over 60% of democrats acknowledge that children are not at risk for severe outcomes if infected with covid, but still most democrats support online learning as opposed to sending children back to school despite the harm incurred by children from not physically going to school.  This has to do with another point he mentions where the mask is a badge, that they believe the science and the point being to protect others from covid.  These democrats, even those who have a shred of sense enough to acknowledge that covid does not pose much of a risk to children, do not have sense enough to know that covid does not pose much of a risk to the general population.  Roughly 99% of the population cannot die if infected.  The reasoning for 99% is based on about 20% of the population having underlying medical conditions that create a risk for death, heart disease, COPD, diabetes, and some fringe conditions, when hospitalized survive about 93.5% of the time.  The general population was hospitalized at a rate that was about 20% including people with underlying medical conditions although this is an old number taken from a time when testing was in short supply and people not at risk were not tested, and many were not diagnosed because they didn’t have symptoms that were severe enough to seek medical treatment.  While I’m sure that number has come way down by now, let’s use that number and multiply it by 2.5.  We’ll say that 50% of people with underlying medical conditions are hospitalized and have a 6.5% fatality rate.  20% of the population have serious underlying medical conditions, half are hospitalized if infected with covid which is 10% of the population.  6.5% of 10% is .65%.  Add to it the very advanced at age that do not overlap with those who have serious underlying medical conditions and we’re still coming in under a full percent who are at risk of dying if infected with covid.  Again citations and further explanation is available in the book Covid-19 Media Project. 

Do you see how tedious this is?  Do you know how many times I’ve not only written something very similar to what I’ve written here but also cited the data in different places?  

They’re trying to create confidence in the vaccines to ensure their pharmaceutical donors can still sell vaccines and return the bewildered herd back to their normal grazing to improve other areas.  Again, it’s difficult to do when you’ve been lying through the implications of dramatic impressions and omission to people who are too stupid to understand things for themselves for the last two years.  It is stupidity, a conscious decision to reinforce bias through the consumption of selective information and the disregarding of critical thought.  This doesn’t apply exclusively to the left, as I’ve stated on many other occasions: Just because you take the right position doesn’t mean you’re taking it for the right reasons.  Many people on the right are just as ignorant as the people on the left, but accept different authorities for the reinforcement of a different perspective.  The right is as much at fault for the ignorance of the left as the left is in the promotion of idiocy regarding covid and vaccines that causes the positions of the left  to seem legitimate.  

12/31/2021 Addressing the So Called Labor Shortage Through Immigration

I recently wrote an article about a job shortage in a labor market where there are more jobs than there are unemployed even with a generous assumption on the amount of people not in the workforce who would work if they could find a worthwhile job.  Headlines read labor shortage but this is a fundamental misunderstanding of the market.  

I provided three explanations, a lack of skill for the jobs that exist among job seekers, geographic imbalances where some places have many more jobs than job seekers, but other places have fewer jobs than job seekers, and inadequate compensation.  The 1st and the 3rd are essentially the same and that is what I wanted to focus on. 

If people in the workforce do not have the skills required for a job this is because the nature of the job lacks the value to draw interest for one to acquire the skills to perform the job.  For jobs that cannot be filled because people don’t want to do them there is a compensation issue.  A person will perform work they do not want to do if the work provides them with an adequate amount of money and time.  

In the consumer market, if a product cannot sell because the consumer has a low opinion of the product we don’t say there is a consumer shortage.  Jobs can be viewed the same way.  If you have 11 million job openings and people who want jobs are not filling those openings you don’t have a labor shortage, you have a job shortage because people who want to work do not want those jobs.  The same as if there were 11 million products that people wanted, but didn’t want those products because they were of poor quality or too expensive, we wouldn’t be trying to figure out what to do about the consumer shortage.  

Obviously filling those 11 million positions are important to production and the general health of the economy and some of them are essential to maintaining and expanding the products and services demanded by consumers.  What I would propose is a program that Americans received 1st priority in but would also serve as an instrument to facilitating legal immigration.  Companies who cannot find labor for low skill positions who are able to offer long term employment would post the position with the agency.  The agency would provide a loan for a prospective low skilled worker to apply to first months rent and security deposit and place people into these positions.  

As an instrument of immigration we would offer a work visa that after 5 years of employment could be upgraded to citizenship.  A person accepted into the program would be required to maintain employment for 5 years with no gaps exceeding something like 8 weeks otherwise they would be kicked out the program, have their visa revoked, and be deported.  And there would be provisions where job changes could be possible through the agency.  This serves the interests of industry in ensuring they have reliable labor, growing the economy through production and the migrants spending money into the economy, and ensuring the products and services demanded by consumers exist for them to purchase.  

Industry can also work with the agency to fill anticipated high skill positions where the agency offers Americans and potentially migrants training and job placement.  

Another purpose a program like this serves is in facilitating the balance stimulus.  Empowering the bottom 50% of income earners with the means to 1 improve their income opportunities through education, training, credit repair, licensing, transportation, and the means to finance their business could exacerbate the difficulty in finding low skilled labor for undesirable jobs.  In some respects it may lead to filling positions that few people are qualified for as some increase their human capital.  Although Round Up Gratuity or Lowest Paid Employee wage disclosure are tactics industry could employ to attract low skilled labor to undesirable positions by substantially increasing wages and creating better opportunities for people to have time and money.  But in the absence of these tactics an empowered bottom 50% of income earners would likely exacerbate the difficulty in finding low skilled workers for undesirable positions.  

We grow the economy and defeat inflation through production by empowering the bottom 50% of income earners to create their own businesses and increasing their human capital.  

We fill low skilled positions by implementing round up gratuity in industries that have a high volume of transactions.  This increases the wages of other industries that rely on low skilled labor by providing low skilled laborers with opportunities to make more money that will cause other industries to increase wages to compete for low skilled laborers with the high volume transaction sector.  

We fill the remaining low skilled positions by creating an immigration work program. 

12/25/2021

I worked the Go Puff shift from 7am to noon and was able to get hours from 3pm to 7pm and then 8:30pm to 1am.  There was an ad on CL for a delivery driver for 6pm to 6am for Friday and Saturday paying a flat rate of $150 per day.  Since I needed money to get me through the week I left my go puff shift at 5pm intending to work with that resturaunt at least on Friday to get the 150 and perhaps on Saturday as well.  

When I arrived there were about 8 people and a man telling people to download two apps.  Wasn’t what I thought it was so I left and returned to finish off my day with go puff.  

I did find a moving job for the next morning located in MIlsap.  Hopefully I find some other jobs like this throughout the week although I am confident I have enough money to last me until Friday when I get paid from Go Puff.  

I was feeling a little depressed yesterday.  Part of it may have been due to not getting fucked by the moving job but the driver created expectations that  he did not fulfill.  The pay was $20 an hour, the job lasted 4 hours and I was paid $80.  When I arrived he said if you do well I’ll take care of you.  In the gig world means I’m going to throw you something on top of what was promised if you perform well and I performed well.  As soon as he came out from the customer he said the customer didn’t tip which is probably a lie but even if it wasn’t I know how much he’s making, whether he’s just the carrier or if he’s the moving company.  I felt played a little but couldn’t complain because I was paid what I agreed to work for.  

I listened to some old rap music I liked listening to including some of my own music from years ago to boost my mood.  I usually avoid the music which causs me to feel better when I’m low just because it does in part return me to periods in my life when my lifestyle was much different and that isn’t usually a good thing.  As I absorb that energy I’m reminded how criminality furnished me the best opportunities of my life.  In 7 years since abandoning the lifestyle in pursuit of a different path life has been hell.  From 14 to 24 life was a mix between the hell of incarceration and the highs of being free and non-stop kicking it.  I’d say maybe from 26 to 29 my life was decent in that I had time and money hustling and avoiding a lot of the wild shit that led to incarcerations.  

I feel like I should publish balance in morality.  Whatever I publish it doesn’t matter much anyway because my material doesn’t benefit from any attention, but my experience in the last 7 years has reminded me that the best opportunity for disadvantaged people who do not want to spend their live working to barely meet their needs(1) is criminality.  The reason this is true is because other people do not care.  The general population takes no notice of the advantages they derive from the systems in place and how those systems produce trapping circumstances for others.  They do not give a fuck about other people and I surmise that many see trapped and struggling people and feel good based on their comparative success.  

1: About 2/3rds of people born into the bottom 40% of income earners will remain in the bottom 40% of income earners for life.   

As for me, I definitely don’t want to go back to jail at my age.  The structure of having the county or the state presiding over my life will be difficult for me to accept and I would probably spend much of my time in the hole.  This was my first prison term as well albeit for different reasons where I spent the bulk of my time in segregation for fighting and issues with staff.  On the other side of it what do I do?  Almost 40 years old I’m going to do what?  Save some money, go back to Milwaukee and find a plug on some boy?  That would be my only move back to that lifestyle.  Then maybe I funnel that money into financing other ambitions but the risks are great.  It isn’t something I’m giving much thought to.  I just never expected to be this old and to be in the position I am in.  

Working this Go Puff gig which is the only consistent money I can make right now I probably won’t have to worry too much about any of this for much longer.  These blood thinners may protect me for the next few weeks as I have 16 days of medication remaining but after this I don’t see how I avoid the remaining clot in my leg from eventually traveling to a my lungs, heart, or brain, or the formation of new clots based on my present circumstances from eventually producing the same result.  My biggest concern is a stroke.  My only fear is being alive with diminished cognitive functioning.  Another pulmonary embolism or heart attack isn’t a good time, and if either one kills me that is an acceptable outcome, but to survive a stroke and being fucked up out here while I’m fucked up out here is concerning.  

I used to think that at some point I’m going to be able to break out of this box.  Of course that veiled optimism grows weaker as time goes on and I mention that I used to think this because today I don’t’ really believe it.  This is a tyrant species who is primarily controlled through information, indoctrinated values, and the innate subconscious mechanism to reinforce their perspective to maintain their values.  Any casual exposure I have to people or that any people have to my material leaves impressions that I am crazy, a crank, that I’m stupid, or some incorrect theory concerning my motivation as these small minded mother fuckers project their own values onto me, as in if they were doing or promoting what I am promoting they would be doing it for insert reason.  

I returned to DFW because I needed to make money.  Desperation caused in part by my perceived need to return to camping to be able to sleep outside of my car, and how this caused my money to deplete faster than I anticipated.  Outside of this Texas in general is bad for the creation of material.  I don’t know what it is but it seems like as soon as I leave Texas my mind clears a little bit and creativity flows more freely.  I think about this based on recent experience.  I went to OKC and immediately after seeing the homeless population it spurred thoughts about live marketing to address that issue and live marketing for the general public to supplement their income.  Even in Las Cruces which fucked me up when I entered a Walmart and everyone was wearing a mask I had that great demonstration of liberty motivating behavior.(2)  Camping and the clarity of mind that led to the observation of thoughts and decisions through Sequencing and Comparison and the criticism of popular naratives on talk radio.  When I’m here I don’t even feel like writing and some of this probably has to do with my focus on getting money.  

2:  This was being in line and expressing to the customer who has only 1 item that I’d rather wait a little bit to avoid him having to wait a lot.   

I sent out more sollicitations for book reviews and noticed that there was a bunch of errors in my sollicitation.  It’s bad for more reasons than just how it looks in and of itself since my sollicitation consists of expressing how my material is ignored and then presenting a pitch that makes it seem like my material is ignored not because of the content, but because it is all poorly written.  

I would say the greatest benefit of the pulmonary embolism is I no longer feel the need to contemplate suicide.  I have this danger lurking probably not too far off that will remove me from this hell.  I endure because I do recognize that although it is extremely unlikely, there is a chance that everything could change very fast if my material is read and understood.  I hold out for that possibility and that is why I am sending submissions to these reviewers.   

12/23/2021

Everything preceding this is the epilogue of the New Mexico Camp Journal. I haven’t deleted it because I don’t know how long it is going to be before I begin writing articles of any substance. I need to refocus on getting money. I have a rough stretch over the next week.

I was camping in Lincoln  Forest at James Canyon campground.  My money is far below the minimum level I would have liked it to be and I was faced with a decision as to where I was going to go to make some desperately needed money.  I also needed some phenibut so I ordered some to a hotel in El Paso and then had it held at the UPS customer center to pick it up.  

This morning I went to the customer center to pick it up and there was a man standing outside of the customer center who I presumed was working there.  He told me I had to have a mask and there were only two people in the store at a time.  I said you have to be kidding me with that ignorant shit, and then I asked if he had a mask for me and he stated he did not.  

I went to my car and grabbed a shirt and wrapped it around my face.  I entered and saw the man receiving a package.  I removed my shirt and I said fuck you, you don’t even work here.  I went on to tell him the risk of dying of covid is about the same as a person’s risk of dying of natural causes in the next year, and because of this covid-19 doesn’t qualify as a threat to public safety that can be used to impose on the rights of citizens.  

He said if you worked with covid patients every day like I do you’d think differently.   

I told him when you get old and you get sick you die, or if you don’t take care of yourself and you get sick you die.  I really thought by now this stupid shit would be over with.  The point of that statement is you don’t sacrifice the interests of the whole in an effort to marginally extend the lives of the sick and elderly.  It’s like if the young and healthy gazelles threw themselves to the lions to ensure the sick and old could escape.  

As far as his comment about if you work with covid patients all day (and it didn’t look like he did, he was extremely overweight and I reminded him as much) I told him that I look at the numbers.  If you’re an idiot and work in a hospital, seeing covid patients all day  your perception of the virus is limited to the worst outcomes.  Your perspective of the virus is that it is dangerous because you’re only seeing the worst cases which typically occur among the very elderly or those who are already sick.  Your perception of the virus is based on some fractional percentage of actual cases, where the great majority do not result in hospitalization or even severe symptoms.  Stupid fucking people.  

The main point concerning Covid is this: a person’s outcome if infected with covid is going to be about the same as if they were infected with the flu.  If you weren’t wearing a mask to protect yourself or others from the flu during flu season, then it makes no sense to wear a mask to protect yourself or others from covid.  In other words, the same people who are at risk of death if infected with covid are the same people who are at risk of death if infected with the flu.    

I received my phenibut but still didn’t know where I was going to go.  Go Puff gave me access to Scottsdale, AZ.  I was thinking either going back to DFW or going back to Phoenix and if I was going to supplement whatever work I could find in Phoenix with Go Puff I think Scottsdale is upperclassish in that area.  I was confident that I could find gig work phoenix and responded to a few ads.  I decided to go back to DFW.  The two main reasons are 1: the Arlington Go Puff seems to have more hours available, and 2: DFW has proven reliable as far as gig work is concerned.  And a third is I suspected Phoenix may still have some restrictions in place and didn’t want to deal with the stress of being in an area where stupidity may be mandated, or more overtly prevalent and observable.  

  I have a Go Puff shift scheduled for 7am to noon tomorrow but there are usually hours dropped or added during the day so hopefully I’ll get another shift or find a gig tomorrow.  I really need to find a cash gig to make sure my money is good until next Friday when I’ll get paid for this week’s Go Puff.  And hopefully I’ll be able to get some more hours this week.  

I downloaded the go puff app by mistake and looked at the prices.  The prices are very reasonable about the cost you would find these items at gas stations.  This is crazy to me because although I don’t know what deal Go Puff has worked out, maybe with the manufacturers or wholesalers, it just doesn’t seem like there is enough even with a delivery fee to cover the costs of overhead and make a profit.  

I have two things I wanted to write about, one is Group Sunrise Event which is about a conversation I heard from people who were waking up to hike to see the sunrise which caused me to think about the expectations associated with events in a group setting.  Another was addressing a study that reported 13% of hospitalized covid patients reported some level of cognitive issues, and 6% reported issues lingering after recovery.  I’m a little tired and have to wake up early because I’m still an hour and a half from Arlington and I plan on waking up and getting a workout in.  I also need to arrange my car so it’s Go Puff friendly.  I know there are other things I want to write about as well but can’t think of them at the moment.  I should have time on Christmas day because I don’t know if Go Puff is operating and it is unlikely that I’ll find work on that day.  

I’ve sent about 20 to 25 solicitations of Camp Journal to book bloggers.  I really need to get people to read my material and sell books to position myself to do anything else.  Yes there is a lot of things I can do to promote but all of them begin with people or even another person.  Until I have that I remain trapped.  

Morality And Democracy

I was reflecting on my criticism of the structure of the Federal Government, that the design is intent on limiting the expression of the popular will through the separation of legislative powers and staggered terms among senators and representatives.  This forces me to address the tyranny of a majority.  Today, if the mainstream left became a majority in a direct democracy environment there would be serious consequences to individual liberty based on the misconceptions their platforms operate under.  Some of this would be checked by the supreme court.  On the other side, if the mainstream right was the majority there would also be some serious issues of imposition albeit probably not as extreme and consequential as the left.  Which isn’t evidence of a lean, just acknowledgement that their bullshit is slightly less harmful.  

Democracy isn’t inherently flawed as some would like people to believe.  Human beings are also not inherently flawed, but we have to acknowledge how human beings are responsible for molding human behavior and habits.  I think most people would acknowledge that the problem with democracy is it relies on how well informed a population is, where the information people are exposed to determines how they will vote.  For example, many people in North Korea, if they were allowed to vote for their national leader without fear of consequence, would probably vote for Kim Jung Un because the only information they have access to leads them to conclusions that he is the best qualified to serve their interests.  

In the United States there is the illusion of choice and the illusion of controversy.  The public generally doesn’t choose what issues are important and have no real way of asserting the importance of an issue unless it already fits into a narrative for which a bias exists.  Issues of importances are presented, and then different outlets cover it from different biases.  The problem is many issues that are made to seem important are not important, and many of the issues are covered in a way that misrepresents the issues to reinforce bias, where consumers of the information don’t even have a functional understanding of subjects that they have internalized strong opinions about.  

Human beings are a species that does not value truth.  This is not a subjective value, this is a moral value based on the consequences it has to each individual and the collective.  There are two general moral distinctions, there is the morality of liberty where each individual does as they please without imposing on the liberty of one another and everyone is free.  Then there is tyranny where what is right and wrong is determined by whoever is the most powerful in that space.  

For the individual self deception is a problem because much of what people like relies on what they believe is true.  This means people like what they wouldn’t like and do what they wouldn’t do if they knew the things they thought were true were false.  What we like also directs attention.  Secondly, self deception limits an individual’s intelligence because they cannot learn things that challenge their beliefs, and their attention cannot be directed towards challenging things.  There are other consequences to individual liberty as it relates to know-how and navigating a world built on preferred misconceptions.  

Self deception imposes on the individual, but self deception also imposes on the collective.  What I mean by this is self deception collectively has consequences for individuals.  Self deception causes people to choose their facts and consequently reality based on what they like.  This prevents communication from taking place which prevents addressment of injustice.  More importantly, self deception facilitates external deception.  The demand for information that reinforces people’s perspectives ensures that such information will be supplied.  People are manipulated through their biases which is why we are a nation full of people who are divided by issues that are often not issues, and subscribe to opinions about subjects that are not validated by facts and functions.  

Democracy cannot function among people who are self deceiving because such people cannot make informed decisions with an aversion to the truth.  People cannot be informed and participate intelligently in collective decision making because their interest in subjects is for the subject to appear in a way that reinforces their perspective, not in understanding the subject itself.  When two parties refuse to acknowledge the facts of a particular issue communication cannot take place.  

The second aspect of morality in democracy is in the addressment of inequalities.  Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  Happiness is liberty, in the sense that if a person has money and time, then they have the means to acquire the know-how to do what they want to do as well as the means to do.  Doing what you want to do is the basis for happiness.  

The issue with democracy among immoral people is that government is reduced to majority interests regardless of whether those interests should be prioritized above the interests of others, or if those interests create disadvantages among already disadvantaged segments of the population.  The tyranny of the majority is based on the assumption that 51 people get together to control the other 49.  But as previously mentioned, a misinformed public doesn’t even know what their interests are or how they are at odds with other interests.  I don’t mean issues, I mean interests, where a group of Christians may contend that it’s in their interest to stop abortions, but whether or not abortions occur has no impact on their lives, other than a cause to experience positive moral feelings.  Feelings derived largely from image promotion before their deity, where they believe their activities cause their deity to have a higher value of them, and that perception increases their self worth.  Supplemented by other feelings that come from the activities associated with the cause, meetings, protests, etc.  Most activists and antiabortion activists included are not really pursuing solutions to the causes they claim, in fact many have a daily struggle to create evidence of their existence.  I mention this because as far as interests are concerned in this example the interests of the anti abortion activists are served in the existance of the problem not in their solution to it.  

I don’t mention that to pick on anti abortion activists or activists in general.  The example flowed from the difference between interests and people’s positions on issues into an example of people being motivated by positive moral feelings.  Which is usually far more meaningful in determining how people behave politically than are prohibitive moral feelings.  To better understand this you can see the decision making processes in the book Assignment, Sequencing, and Comparison: The Organization of Objects and Prioritization of Objectives by the Subconscious Mind.  At the point a person intends to commit an act that they believe is morally wrong they will experience a negative feeling.  The negative feeling is imposed to prevent the person from proceeding with the act because if they proceed with an act they believe is wrong, then they have done wrong and it reduces their self worth.  This will have to be reconciled through time, justification, atonement, or sometimes changing their morality.  

The point is a person isn’t going to be motivated to vote against decreasing their taxes even if it harms the interests of disadvantaged people because they believe it is morally wrong.  However, such a person may be motivated to vote against their interests if they believe the act is morally right because the idea of what they’re doing provides feelings that are greater than the feelings they could experience through the additional money.  This is just an illustrative example in a direct democracy setting not a position.  My position on increasing taxes on advantaged people is that it doesn’t serve any positive purpose which is something I’ve written in Understanding Political Function Through Recent Political History: 2019-2020.  If I remember correctly even the most ambitious tax scams was AOC saying she wanted to revert to pre 1982 income taxes which will produce something in the neighborhood of 300 billion dollars annually.  300 billion dollars isn’t enough to pay the annual interest on our debt, so it isn’t as if taxing the rich is money that can be applied to the interests of disadvantaged people as is implied through the popular sloganism.  Another example of people subscribing to misconceptions thinking the position is interest serving when it is distracting them from their interests.  

The United States is a republic, meaning the delegation of government to a small number of people elected by the rest.  In theory, there are candidates who represent the things a person would vote for and they carry forward those things on their behalf.  In practice, most voters know so little about the functioning of government and how they can be helped or hurt by a candidate or how others are helped or hurt by a candidate, that most voting takes place based on identification of rhetoric, how well a candidate represents the brand that the voter has subscribed to.  Also in practice, the small number of people elected by the rest have to be selected, or positioned by people with money to be competitive in elections.  This isn’t a citizens united phenomenon, to hold office, throughout the history of this country most candidates have either had money or been financed by those who did.  

Are the people of the United States moral people who apply their morality in political decision making?  That’s a two part question.  The people of the United States deceive themselves to maintain a perspective that protects their value of objects and objectives.  As a result they are the consumers of narratives about politics that are not true which have consequences for other people.  The second part of that question is are the people of the United States people who are motivated by feelings attached to the desire to do right, and does it reflect in public policy?  Unfortunately, we don’t know because we haven’t made it to a place where we can be subjective beings participating in objective reality.  A self deceiving people are a people who are subjective beings existing in subjective realities, meaning when certain people encounter one another they cannot communicate because neither will allow facts to upset their perspectives.  

If people were able to get past self deception, understanding the utility of truth to liberty, I think a large portion of people in this country would be people who will act on what they understand as being morally good.  The issue is, people are so attached to their bullshit it’s difficult to imagine people overcoming that human created impediment.  Necessary not only for an informed population capable of civic participation, but also in understanding what is morally good.  Net liberty and understanding how it applies according to motion.

12/20/2021

I spent 3 or 4 days at the Sunset Reef Campground about 25 miles south of Carlsbad.  It consists of campsites right next to each other and RV sites right next to each other.  Isn’t too bad except there is hardly any wood for campfires and the people.  I prefer seclusion when I’m camping which is why my favorite campsites in New Mexico are in the Gila National Forest on the western New Mexico side going up 180 north.

I left Sunset Reef Campground for a campground about 25 miles outside of El Paso.  I ordered phenibut to a hotel address in El Paso that I intend to do a delivery change to a UPS location.  I also wanted to leave Sunset anyway. The campground I left Sunset for required payment for a permit which I presume would have been a fee for access to the park and then a fee per night to camp which in my experience can be $20 a night or more just to camp.  I left and went to the Lincoln National forest in New Mexico.

It’s pretty commercial along the main road, lots of private property, even little towns, many pay campsites.  I found one campsite that is free to the public, James Canyon.  Surprisingly, for such an accessible campsite there is a decent amount of firewood in the area.  Fallen trees that have to be broken apart but in less than an hour of gathering, probably closer to 20 minutes I collected enough wood to have a good fire for around 4 hours.  

I created one video that I may edit into some videos if I have an opportunity.  There was another video I made at Sunset about what I perceived to be a fake opportunity for a labor for housing situation.  Not really about the opportunity itself, just a reflection about something said in text.  For the two days I’ve been here I think I skipped my work out both days although I do leg exercises throughout the day.  Today I woke up and went to the picnic area where I get phone recettion.  I checked my bank account and it was about $200 dollars lighter than my worst case scenario.  This means I have about $200 to my name between my bank account and cash.  Not looking very good for me.  

The balance is accurate other than one double charge for $40 which should correct itself within 3 to 5 business days or perhaps sooner.  After checking my bank account I decided to go to McDonalds to use the wifi.  I was looking on CL for gigs and in the rooms section because sometimes there are work live opportunities.  I’ve never taken advantage of these but I have seen them and thought I’d see what was out there.  

After this I made a copy of the camp journal and took the pictures out so I could attach it to an email.  Yesterday I put together a solicitation for the book and today I sent it to 2 nonfiction book reviewers.  I was going to send it to more but I’m adding this epilogue so I may as well send the full version.  I’m also going to use the solicitation for the introduction to my website. 

I was unable to change my delivery address today and this may be because the label has been created but the item has not been picked up yet.  Otherwise I’m going to have to spend a day waiting at the hotel and hopefully the manager doesn’t have a problem with me receiving the package as long as I’m transparent about the contents.  I plan on returning to McDonalds tomorrow, actually I may go to Taco Bell, finish adding this portion to the camp journal and then send out requests for book review bloggers.  I’ll also be looking for work but I cannot really look for work until I’m ready to work.  I may spend another night up here to kill a day without spending money waiting on the package.   

I don’t want to go back to DFW and the only thing that is there is Go Puff.  The problem is with such limited resources it’s difficult not to take the bird in the hand.  Otherwise I was thinking about Phoenix but my apprehension about Phoenix is the covid BS and to what degree they’re practicing stupidity.  Otherwise I can probably find work there.  I hope I can work, physically I’m still getting winded quicker than I should be.

12/14/2021

I woke up Saturday 12/11 and walked up to the rest area to use the bathroom.  It was about 30 to 40 yards including some stairs and an incline to reach the building.  As I walked up the stairs I became light headed and my breathing was laborious.  Once  I entered the building  it was about 10 yards to the bathroom and about 15 yards to the second stall once in the bathroom.  Upon entering the building the light headed sensation was increasing and I could not catch my breath.  My goal was to reach the toilet and sit down and try to figure out what was going on.  

There are two stalls next to one another.  Once I reached the first stall which was occupied I collapsed.  The occupant asked if I was alright and said I needed to be careful.  I don’t remember what I said back.  I was confused because I had no explanation as to why I couldn’t breath and just collapsed.  I was on my hands and knees in front of the stall for at least  20 to 30 seconds, maybe as long as a minute.  Eventually I was able to pull myself up and reach the unoccupied stall just a few feet from where I fell.  

I don’t remember what happened in the stall, I just remember being on the ground trying to get myself up and talking to a man through the stall door.  I shit my pants and my belt was unbuckled but my pants were not down.  I must have been preparing to sit down when I lost consciousness.  I pulled myself up (1) from the floor and wanted to reach the bench in the lobby area of the rest area.  I stopped at the sink and used the counter to hold myself up.  The man waited with me concerned about seeing me in the condition that I was and this condition was as mysterious to me as it was to him.  Eventually I made my way to the bench.  

1: When I say I pulled myself up I mean it was a struggle to get back to my feet, using the walls of the stall and pushing myself up from the floor.     

I didn’t understand what was going on.  I just kept breathing but could not catch my breath.  After about 15 minutes I felt like I’d recovered and told the man he could go.  After he left  I thought since I took my phenibut and energy drink mix with only half a bottle of water instead of a full bottle of water maybe that concentration triggered the problem.  I also thought maybe I was having a heart attack.  

Since I shit my pants when I momentarily lost consciousness and felt like my breathing had recovered, I walked out of the rest area intending to go to my car to get a change of clothes to get myself squared away.  I took a few steps outside and my breathing was immediately fucked up and I was becoming light headed.  I turned around and made it back to the bench.  I sat on the bench trying to catch my breath and got up to get water from the fountain which seemed like it was hurting more than it was helping.  I had a problem that  came out of nowhere and apparently wasn’t going to get better on its own.   

After about 15 minutes of sitting there struggling to breath a man asked me if I was alright and I asked him to call an ambulance.  He didn’t have his phone so he had to go back out to his truck and probably about 10 minutes after I asked him he called the ambulance and I talked to 911 dispatch and explained to her what I’ve explained here in brevity.  The ambulance didn’t arrive for at least 40 minutes if not longer.  This wasn’t the fault of the EMTs the rest area is located  40 miles from the nearest medical services.  

When they arrived they checked my vitals, put me on oxygen, provided me a breathing treatment, and gave me my choice of towns and hospitals.  I figured it would be easier for me to get back to my car if I went to Amarillo as opposed to the other town I hadn’t heard of.  The custodian of the rest area was with me when the ambulance arrived.  He came over to me just a few minutes before the ambulance came and had been busy with work outside while all of this was transpiring.  He went to my car and retrieved a pair of pants, underwear, and cellphone.  

 I was taken to North West Hospital in Amarillo.  I was unable to get up and clean myself off so I sat there with a load of shit in my  pants while I gave statements, answered questions, and was given a chest X Ray followed by a CAT scan.  The doctor told me I had blood clots in my lungs.  The official diagnosis was a bilateral pulmonary embolism which as I understand it means the arteries that bring oxygenated blood from the lungs to the rest of the body were severely obstructed by a blood clot.  

About 2 hours after arriving I gathered myself enough to use the bathroom and clean myself off, throwing away my pants and underwear and putting on the fresh underwear and pants.  Shortly thereafter I was taken up stairs for a minor surgical procedure to break up the clot.  They make an incision into a vein in my neck and push this metal wire with a camera on the end of it to break up the clot and then pump medicines through it.  The procedure itself was smooth and relatively painless.  I laid down, covered with sheets and towels.  I don’t remember the titles but the guy who was administering the pain medication I believe his name was Steve gave me the right combination of things to make me comfortable.  Scott performed the procedure largely without me even knowing he was doing anything.  Scott also came back early on Sunday morning to pull the tube or whatever it was that had to be left in my neck overnight.  It was very uncomfortable and Cecelia was not concerned about me laying there covered in blood on a pad that was saturated with blood.  I was glad he came.   

She was definitely the only low for a few different reasons.  After the tube was pulled she came and put a few packs of wipes on my table.  I  was like fuck it and started wiping myself off and asked her if she could get my back that I couldn’t reach.  She did a good job rewrapping my neck a day later though.  Throughout my time there that was the only thing I really had a problem with. When I was waiting to have the tube pulled when I was oozing blood as they say, she didn’t seem like she wanted to service my comfort, where I was tired, with an object hanging out of my neck, laying on pads soaked in cold blood, at least make it a priority to get me a new pad.

With all the blood thinners going through me the first night was pretty rough.  Great nurses, especially Austin, who could never be satisfied in doing too much for you.  Wiped the blood off me, changed out my pad, and literally did everything he could to make sure I was comfortable.  Also followed protocol perfectly, asking me questions he was confident I knew like where I was and what year it was, but if I didn’t it would indicate a more serious problem that he could catch early.  He worked with a level of compassion, professionalism, and effectiveness that may be able to be matched but not surpassed.  I don’t know for sure that his name is Austin but that’s what Cecelia who was my first shift nurse said his name was.  Words cannot do not do justice in expressing how great this guy was at his job.  Other staff also performed at a high level.

The last night I was there a nurse named Kiley allowed me to use the community shower which was fantastic.  Since I didn’t need to be monitored all the time she told me I could take the nodes off and then every so often she just did the blood pressure cuff, the pulse deal on the finger, and various other tests and vital gathering.    

Food was actually pretty decent.  This morning when I left I had a huge plate of biscuits, gravy, hash browns, bacon, and eggs with orange juice and coffee.  I have no insurance and very little money so my bill will go to pay the hospital’s taxes.  An amazing experience considering the circumstances.  

I was there for 3 days.  Dr. Melese Ephrem was my physician and although I only interacted with him a few times,  he was very thorough and effective in my treatment.  He was able to send me with a one month supply of blood thinning medication that I otherwise probably wouldn’t be able to afford and could probably die without.  I’m very appreciative of everyone from the man who initially waited with me, to the emts, to all the people at the hospital who made this surprising and difficult experience as easy as it could be.  Thanks to all of you.  

I have real problems right now because I’m confident that these clots in my legs that worked their way to my lungs are a product of driving long distances and sleeping in my car.  I don’t have a solution to that right now.  I plan on countering this by working my legs, taking the medication and figuring out a different way to sleep in my car that won’t leave blood stagnant in my legs.   

As I write this my situation may be  much more difficult than it has ever been.  Things happen and I acknowledge them and move on.  There is some lasting effects right now and I don’t know how long it will be until I am back to 100%.  I’m not struggling to breath as I was during the episode but small increases in physical exertion produce disproportionate stress.  I’ve always prided myself on my ability to push through whatever is in front of me which in this context is a combination of physical ability and mental strength.  I’m physically not capable of doing things I may need to be able to do.  I don’t like that.  I don’t know if I can do physically demanding work right now.  

I’ve written that the main reason I cannot kill myself is the waste of development, but maybe that’s all my life will be anyway.  I’m typically unmoved by death, and even when it’s my own life on the block I don’t a different position.   People pretend to care about  life because they’re supposed to and often produce false empathy in imagining themselves or their loved ones in the situations of others to produce an emotional response.  This emotional response serves two purposes, 1st it makes them feel good about themselves because they perceive themselves as being a good person for having felt bad for someone else.  2nd, since this is a social expectation, or compassion and empathy are popularly valued qualities that produce the social expectation to exhibit them, people take positions that express these qualities  because they think other people will think they’re better people and this perception causes them to feel better about themselves, an increase in self worth from the perception of others seeing them positively.  Life is sacred to others because of the show and game involved in the position in most cases.  It’s evident that outside of opportunities to put  the sanctity of life on display, or put compassion and empathy on display there isn’t a whole lot of substance there; people would be more concerned with addressing causes that produce unnecessary loss of life if they were true to that sentiment.    

I didn’t mean to go that far off on that tangent, I’m just looking at my present circumstances and think the only reason I haven’t killed myself is because it seems like a waste of development and a waste of an opportunity to apply these things and advance this species.  Not because I’m the embodiment of some overwhelming love for this species that drives me to try to advance it, only that the certainty I have in the morality of liberty and truth of motion, and being  here, leaves me with nothing else to do in life.  Now here I am, alive to avoid the waste of my development and the opportunity to advance liberty and truth, and  I may not be too far from death.  Unfortunately, I just benefited from some of the best medical care and treatment on this planet, that exists as such not because of state of the art technology and facilities although  there is some of that there, but because of quality personnel who have pride in themselves and what they do.  I’ve been away from the hospital for about 7 hours, and in looking at my circumstances I almost lament the treatment I received.  If I’m dead in a few  weeks or months it’s a waste of  their effort and resources, I could have just laid down on that bench in the rest area and died.   The point is, I haven’t killed myself because it seems like a waste of development and opportunity, and now I’ll probably die anyway and my life will be  a waste of development and the end of opportunity here.  Interesting how that works.  

Why is my outlook so dark?  These clots are a product of me sleeping in this car.  I don’t have the means to sleep anywhere else and my opportunities to get money in the immediate have decreased since my ability to perform physical labor is temporarily diminished.  Not to mention, if I go back to Arlington to do Go Puff I’m driving around all day which also contributes to clots.  

–Camping will upload more later but the setting is fupny. You see when I camp I camp like no one else is in the area. I’m over here, blow some trees thinking out loud expressing immediate life grievences: fuck left it in the car, come on mane type shit. Pacing, thinking, sagging jogging pants cant get the draw string tight, weed smoking, noodle cup tuna jalapeno, cholula hot sauce eating, need a shave, need a hair cut, big ole bandage on your neck hiding from something looking mfer.

12/10/2021

This began as a journal entry and evolved into an article that I’ve submitted to a magazine that will not accept it so I’m posting it here where no one will read it. It’s called How 11 Million Jobs and Potentially 10.6 Million Job Seekers Represents a Job Shortage.

Last week Dan Bongino stated that Biden was losing in every major metric, and although I probably hate Biden more than he does (I hate republicans too), I thought one metric he wasn’t losing in was the unemployment rate which is 4.2%.  To know what that 4.2% actually is I needed to know what the workforce participation rate is and was historically.  Obviously some people who are leaving the workforce have left because they’re retiring, or some do not enter the workforce because they’re going to school, but many people who are not counted as being in the workforce are people who have been unemployed for long periods of time.  This country’s response to covid created a drop in the workforce participation rate that has not has not returned to pre 2020 levels.  Low U3 Unemployment rates should be considered against the workforce participation rate, especially after this covid debacle, unemployment can fall without more people having jobs simply because they’re no longer being counted.  This is very basic. I just mentioned it as to why I began thinking about this.  

Prior to Covid in 2020 the workforce participation rate was 63.4%.  Today the workforce participation rate is 61.8%.(1)  The unemployment rate is a reflection of how many people out of the 162 million person workforce are unemployed.(2)  Each percentage of unemployment represents 1.62 million people.(3)  The number of working aged people is roughly 205 million. (4)  There are also 10.6 million people who are aged 65 to 74 who are working, and another roughly million and a half over the age of 75 who are working. (3)  Our total work eligible people are the 205 million working aged 15 to 64, and the 12 million people 65 and older who are still working for 217 million.  Each percentage point the workforce participation rate falls represents 2.17 million people.      

1: U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, Labor Force Participation Rate [CIVPART], retrieved from FRED, Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis; https://fred.stlouisfed.org/series/CIVPART, December 10, 2021.

2: Bureau of Labor and Statistics, Table A-1 Employment Status of the Civilian Population by Sex and Age modified 12/6/2021 https://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.t01.htm

3: Julie Jason, 11/14/2021   “Still Working After Age 65 and Thinking About Moving”, Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/juliejason/2021/11/14/still-working-after-age-65-and–thinking-of-moving/?sh=3a13f2d45402  The article states 10.6 million people 65 to 74 are still working and 8.9% of people aged 75+.  I’m not taking the time to track down the most current numbers for this age range.  2016 there were 14.3 million people, there is presumably more today, so I’m calling people working over the age 75 1.4 million people,  

4:Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, Working Age Population: Aged 15-64: All Persons for the United States [LFWA64TTUSM647S], retrieved from FRED, Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis; https://fred.stlouisfed.org/series/LFWA64TTUSM647S, December 10, 2021.

Some of these people who have left the workforce since 2020 are retirees, (5) but a vast majority are people who haven’t returned to work since this ridiculous response to covid.  An unemployment rate of 4.2% in consideration of nearly a two point drop (1.6%) in workforce participation, is like a 6.6% unemployment rate pre covid.  1.6%  of work force participation represents 3.5 million people, and each percentage of unemployment represents 1.6 million people, so moving 3.5 million people into the not counted unemployed category, we divide 3.5 by 1.6 which gives us 2.2. So if these people who were part of the work force precovid have not returned, the unemployment rate would be 6.6% if they were counted.  We have 162 million people in the workforce, and 6.6% is 10.7 million people.  This means there are roughly 10.7 million people who need jobs.  In November there were 11 million job openings. (6)

5: The working aged population declined by 900k which represents the difference between younger people becoming working aged compared to older people who are no longer working aged.  As mentioned in a previous paragraph, not all people who are no longer working aged retire, therefore it isn’t accurate to presume that a person ceasing to be working aged represents a person who has left the workforce and contributes to the decline in workforce participation. 

6: Jennifer Liu, 12/8/2021 “There are 11 Million Jobs as Quitting Spree Continues; It’s Still a Very Tight Labor Market”. CNBC https://www.cnbc.com/2021/12/08/october-jolts-report-shows-11-million-openings-as-quits-remain-high.html 

Many would look at this and say the United States is a nation capable of creating jobs for all of its citizens.  Of course there’s a problem with that logic.  There are a lot of job openings that require specialized skills that most of the 11 million people who need jobs do not possess, so there are a lot of jobs that do not help a lot of unemployed people.  The second issue is many people who are unemployed do not live in areas where those jobs are.  3rd and probably most importantly, many of those jobs may be jobs people do not like to perform and do not pay enough.  

The third explanation as to why we can’t match 10.6 million people with 11 million jobs probably doesn’t sit well with some people, but it is an explanation.  What a person must have in a job is either a job they enjoy doing that provides enough resources for adequate comfort, or a job that provides a person sufficient money for accumulation, and time and money to do what they want to do when they’re not working.  It’s difficult to want a job that is unfulfilling and doesn’t allow for you to accumulate more money to position yourself for a better income, and doesn’t afford you time and money to do what you want to do.  

4.2% sounds nice, but while the right wing radio is beating the drum that people don’t want to go back to work the truth is we have a job shortage.  Based on the number of people who do not have the skills for many of those 11 million jobs, and geographic imbalances where some places have many more jobs than job seekers, while others have more seekers than jobs.  

If jobs were transportation, it is like the United States has a lot of motorcycles but not enough people who know how to ride them.  

If jobs were like transportation, it is like the United States has a car for you but you have to live somewhere else to drive it.  

If jobs were like transportation, it is like the United States has a lot of different kinds of cars for people, but for many people all they have is horses.  And there’s a lot of people who need transportation but do not want to ride horses.  

People who do not have jobs often do not have money.  In order for an individual to create his own opportunity it requires money to start a business or even have the stability to be able to improve human capital through education or vocational training to increase the amount of jobs he or she has access to or prefers. 

There are also countless people in this country who are working-trapped, in a job that isn’t inherently satisfying, barely meets their expenses, doesn’t allow for income accumulation, doesn’t afford them much time, and they have very limited resources to do things in the free time that they do have.  Many of these people would have money to save and to do things within their free time if RoundUp Gratuity was implemented by companies or if some companies began LPE Wage Disclosure Marketing. 

If we issue a Balance Stimulus, those who previously were not capable of creating their own opportunity could create their own opportunity and be able to position themselves to take advantage of better quality opportunities.  Even if we exclude the people who do not want to ride a horse, there are a lot of jobs that people who are looking for work cannot do, and there are a lot of people who are not where the jobs are.  We don’t have 10.6 million people who presumably need jobs and 11 million jobs available, we probably have half that based on location and qualifications, and then we have the other half as jobs that people do not want to do because they do not pay enough for people to do them.  

We have to acknowledge that 1: there aren’t enough jobs for everyone who wants a job to have a job.  And 2: that an individual’s ability to create their own opportunity is determined by the amount of money they have to invest into something, a business, education, vocational training, or the stability required for the second 2.  From the acknowledgement of those 2 points we know that there are some people who a job doesn’t exist for, and who are without the means to create their own job.  These people have either rode a horse, or ride horses intermittently but are not satisfied enough with it to ride perpetually.  
The Balance Stimulus, Round Up Gratuity Option, Lowest Paid Employee Wage Disclosure Marketing, and other ideas that aim to increase people’s opportunities to have money and time are explained in The American Prosperity Proposals

12/9/2021

I wrote the second portion of this entry first but it’s essentially a diatribe about my circumstances and the human species who are largely responsible for them.  So, I thought I’d begin responding to the talk radio I listened to this morning instead of putting what I wrote earlier first.

This was conservative talk radio that seemed to represent the views of more mainstream republican views, not what is represented in the mainstream media as republican views.  Although there were a number of things these gentlemen were wrong about, they were at least substantive in their ideas, opinions, and what they believed to be fact.  

I addressed this in the Camp Journal from the Dan Bongino Show, about why corporate America sponsors BLM, which is an overtly racist, and marxist organization.  These gentlemen brought it up and their explanation was that BLM is shaking down corporate America, where if they do not support BLM, BLM will create a PR campaign against corporations calling them racist which will impact their brand.  Unfortunately, there is no better PR machine than the one used by corporate America.  Corporate America is the decider of policy and perception, even more so in the social media age.  As I explained before, the narrative about racial disadvantage and racial injustice is a popular narrative that allows these corporations to benefit by attaching their brand not only to BLM, but to other race based causes.  There’s a direct benefit, but there is also an indirect benefit in channeling energy and attention to things that are not problems to keep people’s mind away from things that are problems: unequal opportunities for individuals to have time and money.  The achievement of class goals which in many ways directly and indirectly are not beneficial to industry.  The distraction is probably secondary, corporations support BLM more so because it benefits their brand through the narrative of racial disadvantage.  

They talked about gangs and violence in democrat run cities .  They claimed that gangs and just violent people in general committed crimes against citizens.  While there is some of this, a random car jacking, someone robbing a conveinence store, or something along those lines, the bulk of violence especially gang violence (I don’t know how much of that there is any more compared to late 90s and early 2000 indictments), isn’t criminals terrorizing the general public, it’s largely criminals committing crimes against criminals.  That’s a big misconception of crime by the public, where people call certain neighborhoods sketchy or dangerous, in most cases, if you’re not involved in that lifestyle or look like you’re presenting an opportunity you don’t have anything to worry about.  

They brought up a shooting that took place during the day, some video they saw.  They said a man shot another man from the car, then got out of the car and continued to shoot the man until he was dead.  One of the people on the show said why?  That’s what I ask as well but we’re asking different questions.  The person on the show is asking why it happened in the context of how people can do that to other people.  This is my interpretation of his question based on what followed.  I’m asking what this person did to cause that person to kill him.  Did he steal from him, tell on him, hurt or kill someone who he knew?  

This was followed by democrat run cities and stating what I addressed in Camp Journal from the Charlie Kirk show, that the democrats soft on crime approach is responsible for an increase in serious crimes.  Again, serious crimes usually do not result in low bails or light sentences.  So while these policies certainly increase the amount of less serious crimes and some serious property crimes, it doesn’t affect the punishment deterrent to serious crimes.   

He brought up the example of Darell Brooks who was released on $1000 bail for assaulting and running over his child’s mother with a car.  (I was wrong about the details when I wrote about this incident, only hearing about it briefly in a previous article.  I was initially under the impression that he committed the parade massacre after he ran over his child’s mother.  Naturally what I wrote based on that information doesn’t apply to that situation, although applicable to others)  The problem with using this as an example of how low bails can endanger the safety of the public, is this low bail was not the product of policy.  The district attorney stated that the bail was recommended by an inexperienced DA and was set much too low for the crime.  It isn’t an example of how bail is set in a democrat run city, it is an exception,  not an example of bail guidelines or policy.  

The other example they brought up was a person who burned down a christmas tree outside of a fox news location somewhere was let go without bail.  What these people don’t understand is how jail functions in the real world.  As someone who has been to jail I can tell you that most times I’ve been in the Milwaukee County Jail, aka Criminal Justice Facility, it has been crowded.  I haven’t been there in awhile but they also had a place called the House of Corrections where they would take people who had long wait times in between their court dates and there were times when it was also overcrowded.  Everytime I went to intake court, most people going to intake court received Personal Recognizance Bonds.  This is no bail you promise to show up for court.  

PR bonds were given to people who didn’t have serious offenses or who didn’t have criminal records.  While I don’t advocate how no bail has been applied in places like the West Coast where it seems their bail criteria encourage crime, you can’t hold every person who breaks a window or tries to push a shopping cart out of Walmart because you don’t have the space, and the cost to create the space isn’t worth the cost because it won’t significantly decrease crime.  

They brought up an article that was originally called “Is Math Racist?” which they describe as an article comparing the math scores of black students to other students.  As I’ve already addressed in Racial Perceptions,  you cannot compare education by race, until you’ve first separated race into class, where the test results of black students are compared to the test results of white students who come from a similar household income.  After this another factor that has to be considered is the quality of the school.  This means we compare 1000 black students from one household income bracket, who attend a school that produces an average math test score of say 70, and we compare it to 1000 white students from the same household income who also attend schools that produce an average math score of 70.  Most research is conducted to imply racial causation that is really the product of economic disadvantage where proportionately, a greater amount of black people are disadvantaged, although in whole numbers many more white people are poor or impoverished.  

Once again they got the causation wrong.  The man begins, he believes success in America is a product of life choices, and hesitantly says and environment.  He was referring to the environment as the shaper of decision making, and it is, but decision making itself doesn’t begin with a decision, it begins with what opportunities are available to you based on your circumstances.  You cannot do something that is beyond your circumstances.  This is secondary to this point.  

Here he reinforces the myth of the two parent home.  He didn’t mention any research but it’s been quoted to me in the past and I may have read somewhere people who come from two parent homes typically either have more success or less failure so to speak than people who come from single parents.  This time the right is creating causation that fits the idea they like, and ignoring the actual causation for those observations.  A Child who comes from a two parent home not only benefits from two parents, which is valuable in time and attention, but today they also typically benefit from a higher household income than single parents.  

One study I’ve mentioned in probably several different places was a study that showed the lower the household income a male is born into, the greater the likelihood he would end up in prison in his 30s.  Direct causation, where income increases $10,000 annually in the household, males in that household have less of a chance of going to prison than they did before, and another increase leads to another decrease.  The study is cited in American Prosperity Proposals and probably also in Understanding Political Function Through Recent Political History.  There was no distinction between 1 parent or 2 parent homes, just males born into certain household income groupings, and their chances of being incarcerated increased as a result.   

Since we know low household income levels are an environment that cause people to make life decisions that lead to them going to prison there is already a correlation there.  Another correlation is single parents typically head households that have less income than 2 parent households.  The same as “Is Math Racist” suggests racial causation that is actually disproportionate economic causation, the republicans on this show have taken economic causation, and applied it to a two parent household.  Which isn’t to say that two parent households do not provide some advantages for children, but that advantage is much less pronounced than they would like to imply.  

They mentioned the democrats attack reality in pushing a narrative of racial disadvantage and that it hurts the black community because eventually they’ll be forced to acknowledge reality.  I do agree that the democrats are waging war on reality and pushing race, gender, sexuality as a source of disadvantage and mental health is waging war against reality.  I mentioned this either yesterday or in the camp journal where words lose meaning as they are applied to things that they do not represent, and take on new meaning based on popular acceptance of what they are applied to.  Republicans wage war with reality as well, but it’s more subtle and generally a product of limited life experience.  Like corporate America being shook down by BLM, is a product with their failure to confront the myths about how their country functions.  America is good because it has been good to them.  Maybe not a great example but my material is filled with examples of republicans waging war on reality.    

I agree that the assertion of racial disadvantage where there is no racial disadvantage is harmful to black community.  But not because they’ll be forced to acknowledge reality, no one is forced to acknowledge reality and the attention my work receives is evidence of the human propensity to ignore reality in preference of the reality that causes them to feel good.  It harms black people because black people who are poor believe they’re poor because they’re black, and focusing their attention on this misconception take their attention away from the achievement of class goals.  Subscribing to the misconception that race is a source of disadvantage separates black people from people of other races, especially white people, who represent the greatest number of poor people in total numbers in this country, who have the same goals as poor black people.  

I thought there was more to discuss but that’s all I have from my notes.  If you wish to continue, know that my mood is very dark and unpleasant in the remainder of this entry.  

I’m two days removed from the camp.  The first day I went to a Pilot to take shower and then spent that day and the following day assembling and posting Camp Journal and Florida Ordeal.  Whatever my situation is going to be I needed a recharge and texted someone I met recently.  I’m going to see her and after that I’m not completely sure where I’m going.  I will need to get some gigwork in soon because my money is rapidly deteriorating.  There’s a rest area with wifi I may go to after I visit this woman.  I think it’s probably in the neighborhood of 300 miles to get there from where I’m going.  I need wifi for a few days to edit and post videos but more importantly to start spam emailing my material.  

I don’t know, I feel pretty fucked right now.  LOL  It’s funny to acknowledge it.  Sometimes I’ll remove myself from the situation and just laugh about it.  By removing myself I mean think about it as if it is not me, but someone else where shit cannot go right.  When I think about it in its totality, the distance between people’s perception of reality and reality, creatures who crave simple stimulation and spend their civilization in pursuit of creating more simple stimulation.  Mental mechanisms that prevent the penetration of truths that challenge their beliefs because altering one’s perspective changes values.  Value is measured by feeling.  

People’s minds are like stacked items.  You begin stacking the items, and the objects are known to exist through causes and produce effects, the objects are stacked according to what is right and what is wrong morally, and these ideas add value to an act or can remove value from an act.  The objects have value according to the sensations they produce.  Finally there are sequences that are true and sequences that are false.  

How is this like stacked items? Because whatever comes to you first if it produces a positive feeling, whether an act or even an idea, you’re going to protect the perception of it that allows it to produce a positive feeling.  You stack other objects accordingly.  Picture you have a giant wagon where you’ve stacked unboxed items.  If you pull at one of these items towards the bottom what will happen?  In most cases, the other items stacked on top of it are going to lose stability because they rely on that item being in that position.  The same is true with the human mind.  In the pursuit of value reinforcement and protection people perceive other objects through the lens of already liked objects.  When one object is not what it was believed to be, there are consequences for a variety of other objects whose value is derived from something being morally right, or an object believed to produce some motion (true).  

The subconscious is always set to an objective to produce a positive feeling.  For the subconscious to create objectives to produce positive feelings objects must maintain their assignments within your organization of them for positive feelings to be produced.  This is why people experience negative feelings when they are exposed to information that challenges their beliefs, because it is a threat to their value of objects, where much of what they do to feel good will cease to make them feel good should the information change what they know.  

The point is, I think about all of these things, it’s a twilight zone scenario.  You wake up in your body about 3 to 4 years old.  For the first 29 years of your life you’re in a tunnel the same as everybody else.  Pulled through life by subtle feelings you don’t really understand.  Then in seeing how fucked up everything was throughout your life, and knowing people who began and persist in difficult, unfulfilling circumstances you want to know why that is.  In discovering that what is, need not be, it can change your direction.  Soon you realize that what is isn’t only a problem of an organization that exclusively prioritizes the interests of the advantaged, but the species you exist with, drives this organization through their subscriptions to deception.  Deception is only effective because people want to be deceived, because it maintains and reinforces their perception which has a lot to do with what makes them feel good.  The only way to get people’s attention is to pay them.  And there are no worthwhile opportunities to earn enough money to pay people to learn.  

It isn’t really that hard, but it isn’t something you can just walk up to a person and begin teaching them.  The reason being is you don’t know how their wagon is stacked but you can say with a great degree of certainty that it isn’t stacked well.  Of course first you want them to read the material to create at least some familiarization with the content.   

This turned into quite a ramble but when you’re so trapped the way I am trapped, for as long as I’ve been trapped, and all you see is the fence all around you, you can’t do anything but laugh about it.  It’s horrible, disgusting, unpleasant, and a product of issues with human morality, the requirement of the truth for liberty, as it relates to the consequences self deception has in my individual circumstances, but also generally as the required support for systems that leave others circumstantially trapped.  This life is a nightmare, this planet is a physical hell, held in place by a species who chooses and practices tyranny knowingly and unknowingly.  

12/8/2021

I spent most of the day driving and listened to some NPR.  Could not find the right wing channel, maybe I need to check AM.  I’m going to address some of the things I heard and not necessarily in order. 

There are Starbucks employees voting to form a union for better training, more staff, and higher wages for seniority.  My first thoughts were that their demands better be reasonable if they are successful in forming a union because you don’t have the leverage of a high skill position.  If you all refuse to come to work, how difficult is it for Starbucks to hire new baristas?  Services may be a little slower at those stores but every drink on the menu consists of following a series of instructions pouring, mixing, and blending ingredients.  It may not be as rare a skill set as you think.  I’m not against you, I just have  better ideas that no one is interested in.   

Starbucks has to make money and its pay scale is a part of that model.  Which isn’t to say  there may not be room for an increase for certain employees but it does not guarantee it.  There was a woman speaking to Bernie Sanders who claimed she worked there 11 years and new employees made only 68 cents less than she did.  But what about this:  what if Starbucks knows the difference in the quality of service between a barista who has been working a month and a barista with 11 years experience is not great.  Starbucks may also know that the amount of work being performed by a barista who has a month experience and a barista who has 11 years experience is about the same.  What if Starbucks decided our business model supports an average wage of this and so we’re going to give everyone that wage starting and only offer small raises for seniority?  Is it more fair to reward seniority when said seniority doesn’t  dramatically increase service and the amount of work performed for people with less seniority is the same as those with the most seniority? 

They didn’t mention how much she was making, only that it was 60 some cents more than a new person after 11 years.  However, what we do know is it was sufficient for her to maintain the job for 11 years.  Which is suggestive of the theory that Starbucks understands what I stated above and may apply this idea to their business model.  It’s certainly fair.  

What I’ve proposed for all people working in an industry with a high volume of transactions is a round up gratuity option.  People working at gas stations, liquor stores, walmarts, targets, fast food, coffee chains, or any job that has a high volume of transactions would make significantly more money.  Let’s say a person on average makes 5 transactions per day, and has an average of $.50 change on each transaction.  This is $2.50 per day.  Do you know many people can afford an extra $75 per month?  An awful lot.  In the American Prosperity Proposals I estimated that a Walmart worker who worked full time would conservatively earn 4 dollars more per hour.  I don’t remember what the criteria was off the top of my head, but I do remember estimating the transactions by using parking lot traffic data and some  minus some figure for those who may have just been using the parking lot, and some other number that was indicative of an average amount of transactions.  

If companies implemented round up gratuity those patrons who can afford to pay more and round up will do so to benefit workers, and those who cannot will still be able to purchase the products.  It serves a second purpose in that it empowers the customer with a consequence for poor service.  Not that all people who are not rounding up on any particular transction are doing so in retribution for poor service, but if one received subpar service at least they could withhold what they may have otherwise given.  Round Up gratuity is something that serves the interest of the company in a few different respects.  1st, it allows them to increase employee wages without raising prices which could cost them volume.  2nd it increases the effort in service, because the entire staff knows that the more efficiently they can crank out coffees the more round ups they will receive.  Not just efficiency, but they will learn the things required to maximize the satisfaction of the customer.  Naturally, this benefits the customer.  It also benefits the customer because it empowers Americans to empower Americans.  As a country we can decide to support one another’s wages when we can afford it.  

Of course this doesn’t only impact this sector of the economy.  If a person can go work at Walmart and with RUG full time they’re making 18 dollars an hour, or maybe working at McDonalds earning 20 dollars an hour this impacts the entire low skill job market.  If a person can make 20 dollars an hour working at a gas station, they’re not going to want to do a lot of other low skilled, possibly physical intensive work for less money.  This means other industries who use low skilled labor are going to have to pay more to compete with the high volume transaction employers for low skilled labor.  

There’s another idea I have that could benefit almost all workers and companies.  This is called lowest wage disclosure marketing.  In theory, if the consumer can afford it, the consumer would prefer to spend marginally more on products if they know which manufactures and service providers paid their employees well.  If companies advertised what they were paying employees on their products, the companies who paid their employees more should benefit from more consumer choice and increase their share of the market.  The idea is a company could marginally increase the price of their product to increase employee wages, then advertise those wages and earn the same profit margin, while increasing their sales.  This idea is called lowest paid employee wage disclosure marketing.  Companies would put the hourly wage of their lowest paid employee on whatever the product is.  I like to use fabric softener sheets as an example because they’re all the same to me.  If you have 2 brands, and for .20 more you can purchase a brand that has an LPE of 15, compared to an LPE of 12, if the quality is the same a person may be inclined to spend the extra .20 on the box whose employees are paid a better wage.  

In the immediate, RUG would be much more valuable to the workers, the customers, and the Starbucks brand than a union would be.  Unions are much more effective in securing worker interests in skilled trades. There are other ideas for correcting unequal opportunities for income in the book American Prosperity Proposals.   

I was at a roadside rest stop near Roswell, NM when I was writing this.  It was completely dark and seemed like a dangerous location to be parked.  I started driving to another rest stop and I’ve just arrived at a picnic area outside of Portales that is safer.  I listened to some more talk radio and will address some of the things said there before I forget them because I didn’t write the subjects down.  

There was a bill introduced to block a 650 million dollar weapons deal with Saudi Arabia.  Some Democrats in the Senate joined Republicans voting the bill or resolution down 70 opposed to 30 for.  I’ve written about why Saudi Arabia is important to the United States in an article called Andrew Bacevich Critique in the book Understanding Political Function Through Recent Political History 2019-2020.  This was what was briefly emphasized as the explanation that Saudi Arabia is a US ally.  This is not why the Senate blocked the bill with bi partisan support.  

The main reason the bill was blocked is because US weapons manufacturers want to sell weapons, so they fund the campaigns of democrats and republicans to serve those interests.  Principly, the global arms market is flush with supply, meaning that if the demand isn’t met by the United States, it’ll be met by the UK, Russia, France, China etc.  If the reason to block the export of US arms to Saudi Arabia is because it limits the harm Saudi Arabia can do to other nations, this doesn’t serve that purpose because although many US weapons systems are probably superior to their competitors, the degrees in difference only matter when you have two militaries possessed of sophisticated weaponry.  Saudi Arabia does not plan on using those weapons against such countries.  So, whether the arms are US made, or made by a competitor, the harm they can inflict with those weapons is the same.  Then the question becomes why should US arms manufacturers, who employ US workers, miss out on money when the measure has no bearing on the harm Saudi Arabia can carry out?  

The other show I heard seemed like it was exclusively  concerned with gun rights   These guys were so stupid at times it was aggravating, and I’m extremely pro gun despite having felonies that make it unlawful for me to possess a gun, but we’re on the same side.  

They mentioned Dr. Oz is running for office and quoted him as saying the CDC should study gun violence like they study disease. When he was asked about that comment recently he said he was pro-second amendment, he was a gun owner, and believed all law abiding citizens have the right to own guns that cannot be taken away without due processes and a fair adjudication.  They didn’t know what he meant by this and one said it was liberal nonsense or something along those lines.  It’s pretty simple what he said if I’m remembering his words correctly, he’s saying law abiding citizens should be able to possess guns ,but people who commit certain crimes can lose the right, with due process and a conviction through a fair trial.  

The host goes on to say just because someone’s a gun owner that doesn’t make them my friend.  His buddy who was called in then went on with these painful parallels to make a point that I don’t know if he ever made or not.  He said if I’m a dog owner you have to agree with my reasonable regulations of dog ownership, or if I’m a car owner you have to agree with my reasonable regulation of car operation.  It was so painfully drawn out.  I don’t remember the question he answered in a similar fashion previous to this one.  What I think he’s saying is that Oz owning a gun puts him in a position where he would have credibility in promoting restrictions because he has a gun, and therefore he’s subject to those restrictions so  he is affected, and being a gun owner he has the experience to decide what is reasonable.  

I don’t like the idea of any television personality being involved in politics.  People are stupid enough as it is and celebrities running for office can be voted in for even less substanative reasons than career politicans are voted in.  They’re also easily manipulated because when a lobbyist approaches a politician he doesn’t approach him with just the policy that benefits the interests he represents, he approaches him with an explanation as to why that interest benefits the public.  Celebrities being naive and needing to be liked will jump at the opportunity to support the interests of business because 1: they like the person, and 2: because they don’t really know the effects of policy, so they’ll accept whatever explanation is presented to them.  Maybe it doesn’t matter much because career politicians like to be elected, and so even when they know the explanation is bullshit they adopt it anyway and then create additional defenses off of that pretext that ties in with their general personified narrative.  

I don’t know much about Dr. Oz.  I do remember he was one of the few popular people with medical credentials that tried to tame the covid fear early on but I presume he was chastised and reversed his position to keep his show.  If he did this then he has demonstrated that he will compromise the truth to serve his own interests.  I’m also concerned about some of the assertions that were made about him concerning mental health.  It doesn’t matter what they are, mental health is a term used to promote the acceptance of problems or disorders that are not problems or disorders.  I don’t support anyone who puts too much emphasis on that term.  

Although people should oppose people they believe will try to implement gun control legislation, it’s a much bigger boogie man than it actually is.  The reason being is any gun control legislation is going to be subject to judicial oversight.  The only real check on power is the supreme court but it’s a check that’s often not considered.  If you’re a gun owner or proponent of gun ownership and you’re constantly told the government is going to take your guns away, then you’ll consume information about gun control, and can be persuaded through that value, which serves the interests of people who produce the information, serves the interest of the republican party, and serves the interest of gun manufacturers, as Americans collectively spent 28 billion dollars on guns last year.  The more you can be convinced that the government is coming for your guns and ammo, the more you’ll buy guns and ammo, the more you’ll consume information about the topic, and the more you can be persuaded politically through that fear.   

Earlier on NPR there was an economist who essentially made up causation for a correlation.  He said there was a correlation between people quitting their jobs and the percentage of people who were vaccinated in that state.  The lower the vaccination rate the greater the rate people were quitting their jobs.  Offering no evidence of the following causation he states, when people are concerned about their physical health it causes mental health problems and this is why people in states with lower vaccination rates were quitting their jobs.  Essentially the stress from being in public among unvaccinated people is causing people to quit their jobs.  He didn’t cite any survey research to support his opinion, just stated for the NPR narrative that the reason lower vaccination states see more people quitting their jobs is because they’re afraid of covid, as if that’s the only possible explanation.    

Of course it’s equally if not more likely that the people who are quitting their jobs in states with lower vaccination rates is because companies were and are requiring employees to be vaccinated to maintain employment, and some employees do not want to be vaccinated.  So in states with lower vaccination rates there are more people quitting their jobs because this indicates there are more people who do not want to be vaccinated and companies are requiring it as a condition of employment.  

There was more reporting on Coronavirus Omicron variant.  What hasn’t been mentioned is coronavirus didn’t begin in 2019 and every year there have been mutations, some years I believe more than one mutation but it wasn’t broadcast until after covid-19.  Every other week there’s going to be some difference in cases from the previous week, and the broadcast began with highlighting that cases were up from last week, like this is really useful and meaningful information.

The doctor in his effort to make the Omicron variant seem potentially more harmful stated that the number one factor for a severe outcome is age, so although the symptoms appeared milder than Delta the data coming from Africa is from a younger sample.  When we’re talking age alone as a risk factor the bulk of people with no underlying conditions are over 85 years old.  The data is in the introduction covid-19 media project.  The doctor in a sense is promoting positive information in that it is subtly informative of the risk of being infected where he mentions age be the most determinative of a severe outcome, but his motivation isn’t to alleviate the irrational fears people under 75 years old, but to encourage fear of the new variant by dismissing the mild symptoms experienced by the South African data.    

Today some congressional committee interviewed someone from Instagram about a whistleblower report that some children were experiencing mental health issues from using the platform.  The explanation provided was that girls go on instagram and rely on the responses of others to their posts for self worth affirmations, and some girls are exposed to content that causes them to feel bad.  

They quoted one mother saying it’s like the sink is overflowing and she is standing there with one mop.  It’s a perfect illustration because the reason you’re standing there with the mop is because you weren’t paying attention to what was going into the sink.  If your child’s self worth is determined by instagram that has more to do with how you’ve brought your child up than it does with the instagram platform.  Trash issue.  The government is going to create policy to make up for your deficiencies as a parent.  Crazy.  It should also be noted that in addition to finding that instagram may have caused some teens to feel bad, according to the person being interviewed it also caused others to feel good.  

I’m not supportive of these social media platforms in general, in the Camp Journal I lay the beginning of legal interpretation to prevent social media censorship that doesn’t violate private property rights over the platform.  Regulating social media is an effort to fix poor parenting through regulation, and even if content is regulated in the name of some threat to children, it won’t solve the problem of children being raised by people who don’t consist of anything raising children who are a reflection of that exposure.   Parents  raise their children  by keeping them entertained through simple stimulation.  Phones, games, TV, movies, activities etc.  This is another issue I’m not going to go into here because it’s broad and expansive and  creates a variety of problems.   

I heard something funny about immigration.  I’m probably the only one who thought this was funny.  They’re interviewing a Mexican woman who either has a role in the Mexican government or studies the immigration issue from the Mexican vantage point.  Biden reimplemented the Trump policy to have immigrants from the southern border wait in Mexico to go to court.  The woman mentioned that in Mexico they were having immigrants from their southern border on the way to the US wait in the southern portion of the country.  She said the problem was there weren’t very many resources and jobs in southern Mexico so Mexico began issuing one year work visas so migrants could disperse throughout the country and find work.  Of course Mexicans don’t like this because immigrants are stealing their jobs.  LOL.  

That’s another fake right wing boogie man that does a disservice to the men and women who work for CBP and ICE.  A few years ago, either pre-Obama or early Obama the amount of illegal immigrants in this country from the southern border was 12 million.  Under the Obama Administration it was reduced to something like 10.5 million and has remained under 11 million.  In terms of jobs and other social costs 11 million people is imperceivable in a country of 330 million people.  Which means as long as CBP and ICE are able to maintain an illegal immigrant population that is below 12 million then they are protecting American opportunity and we don’t have an immigration problem.  I’ve written about this more thoroughly elsewhere. I

I know any negative assertion that can be used to have people avoid my material is much more effective at causing people to avoid my material than confronting it.  Not that this is much of a problem now because no one is interested in my  material anyway, but I did want to confront a foreseeable knock.  Some would state that my material isn’t relevant because from the perspective of most I don’t have my own affairs in order.  This is a product of different goals and efforts to produce stability (since I changed paths and stopped selling drugs) that have not worked despite the effort.  All of which can be read about in New Mexico Camp Journal and the Florida Ordeal.  

Most people’s priorities are not my priorities.  My priority is to make money promoting my material and ideas.  Unfortunately I don’t reinforce biases, and for this reason I cannot make money despite my talents and the quality of my material being superior to those who are able to make money doing the same things, except doing it through a lens that reinforces biases and the bogus narratives that people’s perspectives are built on.  It isn’t a product of a lack of ability as far as not having the things that people count as basic necessities, it’s different priorities where I don’t want to work a perpetually unfulfilling job for the comfort of a home and the satisfaction experienced through consumerism.  Different people like different things.  My priorities are to earn a living through the promotion of liberty and truth.  I happen to have a monopoly on that promotion but it is a product the people of this country are too cowardly to consume or confront.  

Along those lines of basic false narratives I was thinking about the sign I saw that read god, family, and country.  It’s kind of funny because your god is false, your idea of your country is false, and these things are passed onto your family who passes those things on.  Ignorant christian nationalists and ignorant racist progressives.  Along with the indifferent this represents the entire country.  

University Press Email

I sent the following email to the University Presses of OK, CA (Humboldt), NY, AL, and FL.  I sent one to OU because OU’s University Press inspired the sollicitation to begin with.  I drove down 35 and happened to look to the left seeing the University of Oklahoma Press.  I already wrote that I wasn’t willing to go through a long drawn out process like I had through journal submissions only to receive generic rejections or rejections that provided no indication that anything submitted was understood.  I’m not actually looking for publishing for the material, I’m trying to draw attention to the material.  It doesn’t matter if any of these things are published through a publisher, with the exception of some promotion by being featured in a catalog.  The aim is attention not publishing.  

The rest of the university presses were somewhat random, CA Humboldt was just to put one on the west coast, and that being the most tolerable area I can remember on the west coast.  Obviously Florida is SE, NY is NE, and AL; well I don’t remember the basis for that selection.

Email

Imagine someone received an email from a person submitting work to a university publisher and the person who received the email didn’t review the email or the content submitted.  What would be the repercussions for the recipient if within the email or material there were red flags that the sender was potentially a threat to public safety, and the failure to review the material put the public in danger?     

I am the author of 6 books, 5 of them are fairly short concisely expressing the points of the subjects.  

1: Liberty: The Definitive Moral Truth  

Liberty, the definitive moral truth is based on the human constant that at all times all people want to do what they want to do.  So long as a person isn’t imposed on physically or circumstantially all people can do what they want to do which is the human ideal, based on the human constant.  This means right action is action that does not impose or that imposes to prevent or neutralize imposition, and wrong action is action that imposes.  Imposing action can emanate from an individual to an individual or group, or from a group to an individual.  Another obvious point but it’s mentioned because a person’s ability to exercise their liberty is determined by their circumstances.  Circumstances are largely the product of systems and systems exist by way of collective consent and participation.  The morality of liberty acknowledges that systems that produce trapping circumstances are collective imposition on those individuals trapped by those circumstances.  Within the book justifications, deception, imposition on time as well as other processes that demonstrate complete moral consistency and practicality are included.   

The framework for liberty as the basis for objective morality is followed by measuring the basic tenets of world religions by the morality of liberty, whether the rules prevent more imposition than they impose, if they forbid unimposing acts, or if they promote imposing acts.  The criticism takes place through the presumption of a creator and it is implied through his absence and the nature of his creation that his morality is liberty.  

Existential inferences are also made in the book including the purpose of the universe, the survival of consciousness after death, and other inference about a creator gathered from the creation.  

Is this moral philosophy?  In part except that it is anchored in the self evident constant and ideal which is liberty.  It could also be the introduction of a quasi-religion since it contains speculation concerning the nature of existence based on liberty, motion, and the human experience, and then maybe it is comparative religion.  I’ve submitted different versions to Moral Philosophy Journals and received generic responses in rejection that fail to provide any criticism to demonstrate that what was submitted was even read.   

2: Assignment, Sequencing, and Comparison: The Organization of Objects and Prioritization of Objectives by the Subconscious Mind.

Assignment, Sequencing, and Comparison begins with how objective reality takes place, which reduces to objects in motion measured by space, time, and the feelings motion produces in human beings.  The subconscious mind is a reflection of the reality that it exists in.  The subconscious mind is alway set to an objective to produce a positive feeling.  Objects are organized according to the causes that produce them and the effects they can produce, and assignments of true or false which is comparing the sequencing of objects for consistency, and assignments I term value which is the feelings an object of motion can produce (negative or positive) including feelings that are motivating or prohibitive if there are consequences to morality.  That is Assignment, Sequencing, and Comparison at its core.  

I go through the elements of the decision making process, summarize liberty as the basis for objective morality, identify the points of action in a consciously created result, and use scenarios, life experiences, and observed behavior to illustrate how ASC produces human thoughts, feelings, and behavior.  

The decision making process is very teachable to an interested person.  I will discuss this further towards the end of this outline but I have no audience.  I put an ad on craigslist for people to read the short summary I created on the decision making process and I would pay the respondent with the best answers $20.  I only received 4 responses with one person clearly not reading the summary, another person who answered about half the questions correctly, the third answered all the questions correctly, and the 4th told me I was wrong and shouldn’t be teaching it but couldn’t mount a sustained argument to support her assertion.  I mention this example included in the book to provide at least some evidence that this can be understood since it is completely novel and seemingly without root in any field. 

There is other content that explains group behavior, and subconscious human propensities like image promotion and denial.     

I’ve submitted different versions of ASC to different psychology journals that seem like they might cover such topics but the same as with liberty as the basis it was always rejected without any substantive explanation or an explanation that demonstrates that anything was understood.   Psychology isn’t psychology in that psychology is looking for what causes what thoughts, feelings, and behavior but isn’t concerned with the base processes that produce thoughts, feelings, and behavior.  I have other criticisms of the field but the point is psychology has no more frame of reference for something like Assignment, Sequencing, and Comparison than anyone else from any other field.  I have a theory of the subconscious mind that is self-evident through the nature of reality and the human experience, and there is no outlet for it.  Maybe it would be better understood by someone in the field of artificial intelligence.  I don’t know. 

3: Racial Perceptions: Addressing Popular Misconceptions that Contribute to Racial Divide uses a statistical basis, commentary on studies, and uses other fact based reasoning to show that race is not a source of disadvantage in the United States.  The book also touches on the perception of race as an object distinguishing one human being from another and how experience may produce prejudice and when that prejudice becomes morally problematic.  The motivation of different entities asserting that race is a source of disadvantage is discussed in the book as well as the problems created through the popular misconception that systemic racism exists.  I have found that most studies that imply racial causation is actually just a byproduct of class causation and a disproportionate number of black people being economically disadvantaged because of past systemic racism. 

This seems like sociology but is not welcomed by sociology because it challenges many of the popular misconceptions in the field.  Academics in the social sciences are incentivized to produce research that implies racial causation to support popular political narratives because it creates opportunities for funding and draws attention to their work.  

4: The American Prosperity Proposals consists of 4 ideas for improving income opportunities among the bottom 50% of individual income earners.   

The first proposal is called The Balance Stimulus.  For the cost of 1 covid stimulus we could provide a lump sum payment to the bottom 50% of income earners, 30,000 to the bottom 20%, $20,000 to the next 10% and $10,000 to the next 20%.  An individual’s income opportunities are largely determined by the amount of money they have.  In the book I identify 5 major impediments to income and how a large sum will allow people to position themselves to achieve a higher income.  The cost would be recovered through a reduction of people reliant on government benefits as the income of lower income people increases, and through the increased tax revenue as people pay more taxes as they increase their incomes.  The inflationary effect would not be as notable as it has been with the covid stimulus packages because it isn’t what was essentially an across the board (in terms of percentage of the population you received money directly, or through grants and loans) increase in the supply of money not rooted in an increase in the production of goods and services.  A balance stimulus provides money to only half the population and most of this money will be invested, either in financing business ideas which represents increased production, in human capital as individuals increase their education or learn a trade, or in taking advantage of better income opportunities as mentioned in having the means to overcome those income impediments in the book.    

Lowest Paid Employee Wage Disclosure Marketing.  The idea is consumers would be willing to pay more for products where the employees who manufacture those products are paid higher wages.  This means a company could marginally increase prices to pay employees higher wages.  The incentive for the company is a greater share of the market as consumers choose their products over their competitors products.  If you imagine a situation where  you’re shopping if the lowest paid employee wage is listed on the products, many consumers will choose brands of comparable quality that pay their employees more.  This can be accomplished by convincing companies who already pay impressive wages to incorporate disclosure into their marketing strategy.  Then their competitors follow suit and other companies from other industries adopt the strategy and the consumer is able to increase wages by choosing products where workers are best compensated.  

The third proposal is another idea that has to be promoted to the private sector.  It’s called the Round Up Gratuity Option.  RUGO gives consumers the option to round up to the nearest dollar or beyond when making purchases.  It’s intended for any business that has a high volume of transactions relative to the number of employees.  Any kind of retail, Walmart, Target, grocery stores, fast food, gas station attendants etc.  RUGO gives cash paying customers the opportunity to avoid change that in many instances they don’t want anyway.  It gives all customers the opportunity to feel good by contributing to the livelihood of what is typically low wage work.  The measure itself has the potential to increase wages across the entire economy.  As employees working in a RUGO viable industry begin to make more money, other industries will be forced to pay more to compete for unskilled labor.

The final proposal is the most elaborate and probably the most difficult to achieve.  The proposal is called a Center for Economic Planning and if created, people will benefit from having more income opportunities, a better quality of opportunities, the ability to participate in major decisions of production, and also the means to compete against industry in investment politics.  The first one can be created at the federal, state, or local level.  It’s effectively a corporation owned by all the people within the jurisdiction it is created in, operated through democratic mechanisms, but existing as a private entity.  It allows people to participate in creating investment strategies to create and acquire businesses, and democratically decide how profits will be reinvested or allocated.

5: Covid 19 Media Project: Identifying the Interests and Tactics Used to Create Hysteria uses CDC data to establish the danger of covid-19 and contrasts that danger with what has been projected by the media, politicians, academics, and others.  

6: :Understanding Political Functions Through Recent Political History 2019-20 consists of articles I wrote about popular topics in 2019 and 2020.  It also includes a summary of the founding intentions of the constitution in an effort to address nationalism, and another article draws from papers written by Thomas Ferguson to illustrate the basis for public policy being a product of political investment.  There is a section on social media exchanges included to contrast public opinion from fact and demonstrate examples of denial as well as effective communication.  

— 

The issue I have is people consume information that reinforces their beliefs and avoid and reject information that challenges their beliefs.  In ASC this is understood as a product of value protection.  The word value represents the feelings produced by objects, and many objects derive value from ideas.  Those ideas must remain true for the objects that derive value from these ideas to produce the positive feelings that represents their value.  There is a negative feeling imposed when a person is exposed to information that challenges their beliefs.  This negative feeling is a warning that their values are being threatened, because the ability of many objects to produce positive feelings rely on ideas associated with these objects being true.

Not to stray too far from the point but to reinforce the existence of the function, prohibitive morality operates through the same mechanism of value protection except with a static object.  That static object is self.  This is why at the point of intention if someone is going to commit an act they believe is morally wrong they experience a negative feeling.  This negative feeling is imposed to prevent the action to avoid a reduction in self worth.  Moral prohibitive feelings are distinguished from fear of consequence a few different ways I won’t get into here but I have written about it in Assignment, Sequencing, and Comparison.  

The point of me mentioning value protection as a function that produces denial or avoidance of challenging information is because people’s attention is limited to their biases.  My studies initially began with two questions, why is the world the way it is, and why was I how I was.  I’ve always been objectively pursuing explanations for functions, the causes that produce the results I see.  I’m not trying to reinforce any bias or perspective so my material offends all biases.  All the people in this country have perspectives built on popular misconceptions that they seek to reinforce.  This is one impediment to marketing.  Or excuse if you prefer, I’m open to the possibility that my failures to reach people may also be a product of my lack of skill or effort.  

I was going to go on with more reasons why I cannot attract attention to my material, but suffice it to say that I’ve failed to capture the serious attention of even one person.  Other than the example in the ASC summary I don’t know if anyone has understood anything I’ve ever written.  No criticism, no comments that demonstrate that anything has been understood, no questions.  Verbally, I can make a point and that point will create silence in the hearer but still not attract any interest in what the point pertains to.  

Development that takes place in isolation typically suffers from the limitations of that individual’s path of development.  It’s fair to presume my material contains deficiencies due to its isolation.  It’s fair to presume this, I’m just looking for an opportunity to have it reviewed and for some deficiency to be shown to me.  My education isn’t a product of having an interest in a broad field of study and learning material presented through the bias of different professors.  My education begins with understanding that all reality is motion, and every result down to the production of thoughts has a cause.  

For example, say I’ve never studied the game of baseball and know nothing about it.  Then I began to watch the game and write about it.  I describe observing a person with the bat hitting the ball over the fence and the result being a point added to the team’s score.  Even an expert with an extensive understanding of the game cannot deny this function of the game.  What I mean by this is the isolation that my material developed in isn’t limited by that isolation because I’m describing observed functions that are true regardless of whatever else may be true about the subject.    

I am seemingly hopelessly trapped.  I perceive myself as a person on a planet with an incorrigible species.  Incorrigible because of self deception, and generally all human problems are a product of self deception and unequal opportunities for people to have time and money.  Recognizing that people are unreachable one option is to work an unfulfilling job that affords me enough money and time to entertain myself when I’m not working.  This is one foundation of human happiness.  The problem is you cannot unknow what you know. 

Imagine life is a dark warehouse and everyone has a flashlight.  People shine their flashlight in one direction, like what they see, and proceed forward towards goals within that beam.  Imagine you shined your flashlight all over the warehouse and developed an understanding of what was in the warehouse.  Anywhere you shine your light what you see you see in the context of the entire warehouse, not only what you’re seeing in that light.  Meanwhile, interaction is hindered because people like what they see in their beam and don’t want to understand what they see in the broader context of the warehouse.    

I don’t know if these scenarios are effective in demonstrating the point, but plainly, almost everybody is full shit from the bottom to the top, often even when they’re right about something.  It is an intolerable existence to ignore this and try to content myself within it.  I’m hopelessly trapped because the only thing I want to do, which is best summarized as promoting liberty and truth, in the functional meaning of those words, I cannot do.  

This is one of many usually futile efforts in promoting my material.  I’ve self published the attached material through my website but it is difficult to sell books to a population that cannot read and whose interest is not attractable unless they’ve been told by someone they like that something is worthwhile or the material is simple and bias reinforcing.  I’m not actually looking for publishing.  What I’m looking for is to attract the attention of people in the fields that my material pertains to.  To have the positions acknowledged, to be able to respond to criticism, for the premises to spawn new academic research and thought, and to draw attention to my material which may allow me to gain the legitimacy and resources to advance human interests.

12/4/2021 2nd

I was sitting by the campfire.  It is much colder where I’m at now because it’s like a valley of trees that the sun doesn’t completely penetrate even when It’s up.  Tomorrow after I work out I might go to one of the campsites that’s out of the woods.  The only thing I really like about this site is there’s a bathroom but I used that today.  I`m staying 2 more nights to be gone for two weeks after I sent the email.  I was thinking I may pull the Florida Ordeal from Man in the Box and have it as a stand alone article and then trash Man in the Box altogether.  Maybe I’ll pull the last few months of journal entries and place them here.  

This journal log came together perfectly being that I was in an area where NPR was broadcast, and then I was in an area where there was rightwing talk radio.  Which allowed me to show why there is no market for my material, in that both sides are promoting bullshit and the truth offends that bullshit.  I should have gone through the mechanism of self deception and the facilitation of external deception through self deception, creating the tendency to consume perspective reinforcing information and avoiding challenging information in an effort to protect values.  I’m thankful for the opportunity to have both applied my material to some random national dialogue moments from both sides of stupidity, and show their deficiencies.  

If the Republicans wanted to they could pulverize the democratic party by moderately adjusting their platform.  The first thing they need to do is pull back on just a little on their America is great banner, and acknowledge that beginning poor is a disadvantage that social mobility of any significance is difficult for most people.  Yes there are people who begin from the bottom who ascend to great heights, and there are those that ascend to worthwhile heights, but the majority of people born poor never achieve a worthwhile balance of money and time, or a personally rewarding profession.  Then commit to doing something about it.  Balance Stimulus.  So no person can ever say that America didn’t give it’s poor and struggling a chance.  Secondly, because it will increase production unlike anything we’ve ever seen before, which will reduce inflation, and create unprecedented economic grow, lead the to greatest shift in economic convergence between bottom middle and top this country has ever seen, reduce crime through the creation of opportunity, and also reduce government dependence as lower and middle income earners increase their income ceasing to qualify for government assistance.  This should be the position of any candidate from the Republican party in 2022.  

It’s so difficult to do because the Republican party has been the party of those who have benefited or achieved through this system and they don’t want anything to change.  They don’t want more opportunities for disadvantaged people because it takes away the satisfaction many people experience by seeing their distance between others as evidence of their achievements, whereby an empowered underclass with the means, means the status of the advantaged is less significant as others close the gap.  They want to maintain that America has lived up to the ideals of liberty and justice for all, but there’s never been a time when it has.  Worse still, as long as people blind themselves to America’s deficiencies, America can never live up to those ideals.  

America is not the land of the free because it is not the home of the brave.  I’m not talking about the men and women who fight wars to secure the interests of industry abroad, I’m talking about the people in this country whose reality largely consists of opinions they want to be true but are not.   I’m not just talking to republicans I am also talking to democrats and leftist progressives not committed to either business party.  There are a lot of tough pills to swallow, but if people have the heart to stomach them, we can see what liberty and justice actually looks like.  But American’s must be brave enough to acknowledge the deficiencies of their own perspectives and the self-deception that reinforces it.  I don’t know if Americans are that brave, they’ve never shown that type of courage in the past, which isn’t to say many Americans haven’t shown other types of courage.

Even something as small as acknowledging that there are groups of people in this country who will not end up meaningfully better off from where they began because of disadvantaged circumstances, is something too great for the republican party to do, because it challenges the holiness of American systems.  According to one social mobility study I saw 68% of the bottom 20% of income earners will either remain in the bottom 20% or move into the bottom 40% of income earners.  A similar proportion, in the 60 percentile of the bottom 40% of income earners will either remain in the bottom 40% or will descend into the bottom 20%.  This is what happens when people begin from these positions.  It doesn’t matter if you, or others started from the bottom and were able to reach good or great heights, because most people who begin there cannot and do not.  The exceptions are celebrated and promoted as the norm, to reinforce the idea that America is “the land of opportunity”, but for most disadvantaged people that opportunity is unfulling low wage work, or criminality, or substance use to cope with circumstances of being trapped in unfulfilling low wage work.  We could go on, but I’m just bringing up a few examples.  I’m not going to keep writing things I’ve written in other publications.      

The previous paragraph is just to acknowledge that I don’t believe the republican party can be a party of opportunity for the underclasses because their members are too invested in a perspective of American perfectionism, where anyone who hasn’t achieved has failed exclusively through their own decisions, with nothing to blame on the circumstances that furnished not only the opportunities for them to make decisions, but also played a role in their development and how they make decisions.    

As for the democrats I don’t have any advice for you.  You are vile and disgusting with no redeeming qualities post Obama Administration.  I would include Obama and pre-Obama but it’s notable that you’ve become much worse post Obama.  Obama era and prior I hated the democratic party because they preyed on the hopes and aspirations of the poor and disadvantaged, promising mountains but knowing they would deliver valleys.  

Post Obama democrats coopted most independent leftist movements, and created coalitions that appeared independent but were really just grass roots wings of the democratic party, like Resist, and the Poor People’s Campaign, among many others.  In doing so they adopted and promoted their views, which is how disadvantage stopped being measured by the household income an individual grows up in, and became race, gender, and sexuality.  This obviously serves the interest of their donors because industry and wealth does not want to acknowledge class, and class advantage.  They obviously wanted to put a lid on class consciousness that had bubbled over a little bit before, during and following the occupy protests.  The idea that race, gender, and sexuality is a source of disadvantage allows industry to tie their brand to those causes without harming their general interests in the achievement of class goals.  Or, an empowered underclass that wasn’t reliant on low paying jobs, or who had more consumer power in the market not purchase their products.  The second is something that is often forgotten, where most consumer choice is a product of the need to purchase at value to have money for other purchases as opposed to purchasing for the quality they prefer.  I’m not talking about cars, I’m talking about everyday products.  

So today the democrats are no longer the party lying to the poor, although some of that still goes on, they’re the party that promotes causes that do not exist, to appease a people who want those things to exist, and propose solutions to non-existent problems.  Of course proposing solutions to non-existent problems is also a mode used in serving the interests of industry as we see with coronavirus. 

There’s a business interest tied to everything you see in front of you, which includes maintaining the narratives and priorities of the two business parties.  Nothing ever changes because the general population is content on consuming bullshit and the dispensers of the different brands of bullshit are constantly creating the public’s brands of bullshit; keeping the country trapped between primarily two false perspectives.

12/4/2021

 I didn’t listen to the whole Dan Bongeno show today, I had a much shorter drive time and it wasn’t as substantive as the previous day.  He begins by talking about how Biden is losing in every significant measurement, saying everything the guy touches he destroys.  It suggests that the president is more important than he actually is, but more importantly, it suggests that under a republican administration things would be substantially different.  We could argue that it would be based on covid alone, but other than international trade, and people losing their jobs over vaccine mandates , most restrictions exist at the state and municipal level.  The mandate and federal narrative is significant, and I don’t think Trump would have issued that order that sounds like just passed as a bill, which includes a federal vaccine database according to the Charlie Kirk show.  

Of course had Trump taken the time to understand the virus he could have told people the truth about the virus using the data instead of holding press conferences talking about bleach and UV rays.  Or talking about the effectiveness of Malaria medicine for Covid.  Why?  In discussing the necessity of treatment you reinforce ideas about the danger of the virus.  This is in part Trump’s failure in promoting important details about the virus, most notably, who has a risk for death if infected.  He should have had lawyers assemble the data in a manner similar to how I have done and filed a lawsuit against the governors that issued restrictions on the basis that Covid does not qualify as a threat to public safety since  about 99% of the population cannot die if infected.  

A threat to public safety to use police  powers to impose on the rights of citizens is legal when there is a threat that is a threat to the entire people in an area.  For example, if we look at the first precedent where the court reinforced state action to protect itself from a virus it was smallpox.  Smallpox was randomly deadly in that anyone who was infected could be killed by it, therefore it is a threat to public safety because it poses a threat to 100% of the public.  When we look at covid, the way it has been presented is that 1 out 99 people who are infected die and it could be anyone even though it is more likely to be someone who is sick or elderly.  This isn’t true.     

The following I copied from the mini book Covid-19 Media Project preface

September 15th 2021

Total Covid-19 Deaths: 667,000

            Age Range                      Total Deaths        No Underlying Medical Condition Fatalities                  

0   to 17 Years Old          439                            1

18 to 29 Years Old          3212                          3

30 to 39 Years Old          9240                          9

40 to 49 Years Old          23,501                       94  

50 to 64 Years Old         110,689                     1340  

65 to 74 Years Old          147,568                     7525

75 to 84 Years Old          176,763                     26,514

85+        Years Old          187,342                     54,329  

There were 17,008,087 cases of covid-19 among people aged 0 to 39 and there were 12 deaths among people in that age range infected without an underlying medical condition.   The chances of a person who is under 39 years old dying if infected with covid 19 are about 1 in 1.4 million.  In the article when I say the healthy population interacting with one another when there were restrictions is a matter of sickness and recovery the numbers support that conclusion.  People aged 39 and younger represent 52.2% of the population.  

There were 4,714,501 cases of covid-19 among people aged 40 to 49, and there were 94 deaths occurring in this age group among people who did not have underlying medical conditions.  A healthy person aged 40 to 49 has a 1 in 50,154 chance of dying if infected with covid-19 or .05% chance of death.  

There were 6,291,163 cases of covid among people aged 50 to 64, and there were 1340 deaths among people in that age range without underlying medical conditions.  A healthy person aged 50 to 64 has a 1 in 4694 chance of dying if infected with covid. 

There were 2,310,603 cases of covid among people aged 65 to 74 and there were 7525 deaths of people without underlying medical conditions in that age group.  A healthy person aged 65 to 74  has a 1 in 307 chance of dying if infected with covid 19.  Which is to say that even for a person who is 75 years old without underlying medical conditions that chances that they will die are exceedingly slim.  

There were 1,176,504 cases of covid among people aged 75 to 84 and there were 26,514 deaths.  A healthy person aged 75 to 84 has a 1 in 44 chance of dying if infected with covid, or about 2.5% chance.  

Finally, we have people aged over 85 who represent the bulk of people who have died of covid-19 without underlying medical conditions.  There were 654,197 cases of covid among people aged over 85, and there were 54,329 deaths, roughly a 1 in 13 chance of death or 8%.  People in this age range are at risk of dying of anything due to immunosenescence.  As we age our bodies lose the ability to fight off viruses and other infections. 

For the general healthy population people aged below 74, which represents 93.1% of the population, the chances of dying from covid-19 are so minimal as to be negligible.  For the 4.9% of the population who are over 74 they have a 2% chance of dying if infected, and the 2% of the population who are over 85 years old have an 8% chance of dying if infected, but even this group has an elevated risk of dying from everything. 

A person committed to the biased opinions of media personalities, academics, and politicians who serve the interests of industry will say but what about people with underlying conditions?  Then they’ll falsely assert that most Americans have underlying conditions, therefore covid-19 is still a threat to public safety.  

In the material I cite a CDC sample that is about 2300 people who were diagnosed with covid-19 and have underlying conditions.  Of those with underlying conditions 93.5% survived which tells us that not only is the general healthy population rarely at risk of death if infected with covid, most people who have underlying conditions are not at risk of dying if infected with covid-19.  I’m not going to cite the study here as I’ve already cited it in the book. 

Recently I found a hospital survey that separated patients with covid-19 into categories that consisted of those who had 0 underlying conditions, 1 underlying condition, 2 to 5 underlying conditions, 6 to 10 underlying conditions, and 10 and more underlying conditions.  Of the 80,000 covid-19 deaths in the sample, only 2087 of those deaths were people with 1 underlying medical condition.  Which supports the conclusion that a person’s chance of death doesn’t necessarily increase dramatically with an underlying condition, but the type of condition, how advanced that condition is, and how many conditions that condition is coupled with are much more determinative.

Although this is a year and a half of covid-19 data I’m citing, these conclusions could and were reached in April 2020, and could have been known much sooner based on Chinese and Italian data.  Trump should have known these things instead of playing king with the issue.  Then we’re not where we are with new variants being used to induce or maintain fear and to sell vaccines.  Coronavirus 19 was supposed to be special.  Coronavirus didn’t come into existence in 2019, Coronavirus has existed for a long time.  It changes annually or more frequently but it wasn’t named Delta or Omnichron (what ever the fuck it’s called) and used to maintain this narative that is advantageous to a few, but a detriment to the many.  

This is to say it’s a product of a broader culture consuming bullshit, although the difference between Biden and Trump does make some difference in the advancement of certain industries interests like the pharmaceutical companies, and how the advancement of those interests have interfered with the liberty of Americans.  I don’t deny that, but fundamentally, outside of covid the difference between parties is how prioritization of industrial interests will be decided.  

This was followed by a montage of all the stories Biden told about himself that were not true.  I’m guessing he probably didn’t do the same thing when Trump was president and state outrageous lies.  Probably not but the other side did.  This legitimizes a problem that isn’t a problem.  The problem isn’t just Joe Biden, and it isn’t just the democrats but it’s also the republicans.  On the subject I saw a front license plate cover that read vote, and a large banner in Truth or Consequences that read vote republican.  Therein lies the problem, neither party represents any interest other than the interests of industry, so to vote for someone that doesn’t represent my interest, but may not harm as much as the other guy is something I can’t do.  Should I write myself into every election and receive 1 vote just to say I voted?  There’s no reward so it cannot be worth the effort.  It’s just to avoid useless sacrifices.  

Bongeno talked about his show being rooted in facts, and to a large degree it probably is.  It’s probably true that Biden was lying about things he was quoted as saying, it’s true this month’s job numbers are lower than expected, but it isn’t true that these things are significant or important to the lives of most people.  Unemployment rate is 4.2%.  I don’t know how much the workforce participation rate has fallen and may reduce the significance of that number, but that is a metric he isn’t losing in.  Believe me, I hate Biden, but I don’t hate him much more than I do many other politicians.  Obviously Bernie, AOC, and the other radical progressives I hate more because they earn a living preying on the hopes and stupidity of largely poor and disadvantaged people.  

A big reason it’s tedious to cover mainstream news and mainstream talk radio is because it isn’t always about something being true or false, it’s also about the underlying implications of what is being stated.  Bongeno reinforces the perception of the christian nationalist, which not only reinforces all the lies of the perception, it implies that the only thing preventing this country being even better than it already is, is the other party.  That’s not even remotely true.  

Another falsehood he promotes is he says Biden and the democrats are pushing a Marxist agenda, they want control over the means of production.  They want the government to own all the businesses is essentially what he’s saying.  If there were any truth to this he’d have something to reference, like the government is opening its own Gov-Marts to compete in the marketplace, or the government is expropriating Walmart’s business and properties, the government is nationalizing oil, something of this nature to support that assertion.  It’s fundamentally wrong because by his own admission industry directs the party.  As I mentioned previously where he points out that BLM is headed by “trained marxists” and industry support BLM the difference is that the narrative is advantageous to their branding, and in both examples industry is not financing its own destruction, it’s making investments in promotions and policy that serves its interest.  

As pointed out by both Bongino, and Charlie Kirk, 80 house republicans voted for a bill that included a vaccine mandate and a federal vaccine database.  Why did these republicans do that?  Either because they were supported by industry that will benefit from these measures or they have been solicited and will be supported by industry to support that bill. 

Bongeno mentioned there was 10% waste and fraud with the covid stimuluses, and uses this as an example of government inefficiency which goes on into some Milton Freedman statements I will address.  1st the Covid stimulus was necessitated  by the manipulation of the public’s perception of covid, and the consent created for the government’s response.  Not related to the point but a point worth expressing.  The trade off in efficiency is layers of verification to ensure there is no fraud, which costs money and takes time, or a less secure approach to ensure the people who need the money can get the money which will result in some fraud.  10% doesn’t seem like a very high number considering the need to get people money when they weren’t allowed to work, or operate their businesses.  Waste is a very subjective term and I’d like to know specifically what it refers to.  I think the real waste is in people who received money who did not need money.  How much of the fraud that took place wasn’t prosecuted?  

This is his example to push the general narrative of the right that government can’t do anything right, that government is bad.  When we look at waste in government it isn’t waste in government, it is bills created intent on fulfilling the unspoken terms of political investment.  If we give you money, support the pacs that support you, our lobbyist tell you what is in our interest and you serve that interest in policy.  

I’ve been away from legislation for the last few years so I’m going back to Obama since I’m more familiar with some of the things he did.  Why was there no public option in ACA?  Because insurance companies would have lost a significant amount of business as consumers purchased comparable coverage for about 80% of the cost.  Why was there a mandate for people over a certain income level?  Because this serves the interest of insurers to have more customers and more healthy customers since those who do not have insurance and can afford it are generally healthy.  Why was there a voucher program instead of a public option?  Because using public funds to buy people insurance from private insurers benefits insurers.  Inefficiency is directed into spending by industry, not a product of politicians being careless with money that isn’t theirs to purchase products they’re not using.   

Bongeno quotes Milton Freedman that a buyer who is buying something for someone else with someone else’s money, doesn’t care about the quality or the cost.  The quote doesn’t acknowledge why someone is buying something for someone else to begin with.  It has nothing to do with spending taxpayer money and having a stake in the quality or value of the product.  The politician isn’t spending other people’s money on other people motivated by his own purposes, he’s spending other people’s money on other people to benefit his industrial sponsors which means inefficiency in spending is inherent for a purpose not specified in Freedman’s propaganda statement the 4 ways you can spend money.    

Another example was the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.  There was a great deal of inefficiency in that spending as well, where private security forces were paid many times what US service members were paid to do the same jobs, and where private security forces were contracted at ridiculous mark up.  Contracting in general was exorbitant.  I remember a report about non-military subcontracting that was taking place during the Bush Administration and probably into the Obama Administration.  Where a company might get a contract to dig wells for small villages and would charge $50,000, then subcontract the well out for $10,000, where the well was then subcontracted to be dug for $1000.  Why?  Because whoever was actually doing the work doesn’t have a multibillion dollar company and the means to participate in investment politics to be considered for a bid to build the well.  It isn’t the government not caring about spending other people’s money on other people, it is the government ensuring that public funds reach the hands of the people who paid for them to be competitive in and win elections.    

We’re not talking about an individual with other people’s money buying things for others.  We’re also not talking about your listeners having to pay for anything as you imply.  I don’t support large spending bills either because the necessity of creating an advantage for industry is inherent in every bill carried forward.  The programs that are aimed at addressing the issues of the poor, who I consider to be the bottom 50% of income earners, service the condition with an industrial interest attached to it; it doesn’t create opportunities for these individuals to increase their income.  The point is the United States has the privilege of being the dominant world reserve and trade currency.  Meaning as the global economy grows there’s an ever increasing demand for dollars, and countries maintain their reserves primarily by purchasing treasury bonds.  Every year those bonds mature from the previous how ever many years of purchases and they buy more to ensure they have the dollars for future reserves and international trade.  Increases in spending typically do not require tax increases.  

The inflation we’re experiencing is a product of covid spending, where a little bit was distributed to a lot of people.  On top of this the amount of goods and services produced decreased.  Obviously increasing the supply of money by providing money to everyone and decreasing the supply of goods and services both cause money to be less valuable by increasing the proportion of money in circulation to the amount of goods and services available.   The point is that increases in spending do not require tax increases, and even the most ambitious tax increases will not significantly reduce debt over time or deficit spending, and although increases in deficit spending can lead to inflation as is the case with the unnecessarily made necessary covid stimuluses, it doesn’t have to.  

The narrative he’s pushing is that the government is inefficiently spending your money, and the government  cannot spend efficiently because they don’t care about the money they’re spending because it isn’t their money, and they don’t care about the product because they’re not using the product, and this is a big problem.  What he fails to add is that government is not an entity unto itself, it is essentially executive management of public interest and assets, but it only acts on behalf of certain elements of the public.  It isn’t the government making decisions to spend money efficiently to serve the interests of the broader public, but the government representing the interests of industry and spending inefficiently for their benefit.  This is a great myth on the right about government, that government cannot spend efficiently, or even operate efficiently.  The fact is the government is very efficient at representing the interests of industry, under different priorities depending on the party, and part of that efficiency includes inefficiency in spending to ensure the investments of private companies in politician’s mature.  

When a citizen puts his 50 on a candidate that is support.  It’s support because it is essentially anonymous, and isn’t used as leverage for policy.  When a corporation or a pac supports a candidate it is understood that certain policy is a condition of that support, and such policy will benefit the industry of that corporate sponsor.  It is an investment, not support.  Some politicians justify what they do by accepting biased explanations for the policy, like the policy helps the business, but grows the economy, creates jobs, will lead to more investment etc.  Ignore the interests of the masses while distributing their money to your friends who fund your campaigns.  

You also have a few people who are popularly funded.  These politicians never propose anything that is beneficial, practical, or passable, but instead enjoy a 6 figure salary for performing political rhetoric that people like to hear.  The radical progressives who haven’t done shit and are not going to do shit, and even what they would do, wouldn’t beneficial.  This is something I mention because in order to appease their base they hold press conferences about new bills they’ve been working on to maintain credibility among their base and to grow their popularity.  

I began this paragraph  by stating I didn’t drive far and only listened to the beginning of the show.  That was true but after writing that first paragraph I decided to change locations to listen to some more talk radio. This is where the additional content from this show came from with the Milton Freedman quote.  I caught pieces of the Charlie Kirk show and just the tail end of an NPR broadcast.

I left a campsite probably a few miles from the Lake Roberts campsites.  I definitely didn’t want to stay there, it was almost a resort type atmosphere, at least compared to the seclusion of the other sites I stayed at.  The southern portion of Gila Forest in NM is much more popular than the north western area.  

I came upon a gas station in the town of Mimbres.  There was a sign that read we’re wearing masks again.  I guess a sign that read we’re a small group of idiots would have been too forthright.  Sure, maybe this is a town of primarily old people with health problems, which mind you, doesn’t mean that they would die or likely die if infected but are a group with a higher risk for a severe outcome.  If the mask works it works when you wear it.  If it doesn’t work when you wear it, why would you require me to wear it to provide me service?  And if it doesn’t work, why would you require me to wear it to begin with?  Sure we can argue that containing droplets is more effective at preventing transmission than blocking droplets but the ultimate point is this: If you didn’t require people to wear masks during flu season and I can almost guarantee you did not, and this virus only kills the same people who are susceptible to dying from the flu, then why is this a requirement now?  It’s a requirement because you’ve had almost 2 years to understand why you’ve made the behavioral changes that you have, and instead you’ve absorbed opinion supported by dramatic impressions and still don’t know why you’re afraid of what you’re afraid of.  That’s why you could have written on the sign we’re a town full of idiots or this store is owned by idiots and achieved the same effect.  Or the same way I read we’re wearing masks again and I thought a store owned by idiots; if I would have read a store owned by idiots, I probably would have thought I bet they’re wearing masks again.  

I walked to the door and thanked a woman exiting who held the door for me.  After a few steps in the establishment I heard in a small quiet tone “you have to have a mask buddy”.  I said stupid ass shit, walked out the door, spit on the ground to show my disapproval and left without purchasing anything.  Morally, you have to respect the rules a person makes in and with their property even if it’s stupid.  I hope others who pass through there don’t patronize their gas station.  

The next gas station I reached was right after 25.  I don’t remember the highway I took to reach that point but I was about 5 miles south of Truth or Consequences.  I bought food and gas there not really thinking Truth and Consequences was an actual town with a Walmart and fast food.  I’ve been to towns in NM that are just a gas station or sometimes not even a gas station so I like to get service when I can.  

I didn’t expect to go that far thinking I’d run into an acceptable campsite before that.  I did need oil.  I proceeded to Truth or Consequences and stopped at the Veterans Memorial parking lot.  I had cell service so I was trying to figure out where I was going to go.  I saw there were a few lake campgrounds but from the pictures they looked popular, so I wanted to avoid that scene.  I set a course for SpringTime campground.  

Before leaving I went to a Chevron where I planned on purchasing oil.  As I walked up I saw two people approaching the entrance both wearing masks.  Then I saw a sign that read no mask no service.  I just said retarded fucking people got in my car and drove off.  

I was trying to take a route that avoided 25.  I don’t know if there are any legal ramifications from the paragraph within that email, but if there are, avoiding the interstate until I’m ready to deal with those ramifications seems important.  I went the wrong way and ended up on 25 before my GPS came back on.  I stopped at a Walmart to get some oil and I purchased a few food items.  Never what I should purchase and never enough.  

After I finished my shopping I checked my oil and I was about a quart low, which is about what I expected.  Added 3/4th of a quart.  While I was adding the oil or finishing adding the oil a man from a minivan about 15 yards away asked me to come over to him.  I don’t know what hustle he’s on but if you want something you can come here.  I commented to him as much and asked what was up.  He said “you know how to check oil”?  I was suspicious because everyone knows how to check oil.  He offered me money to check his oil and I told him don’t worry about I’d come over.  I checked his oil.  I wiped off the dipstick and showed him that you want to make sure your oil level is within the hashes.  I put the dipstick in and he was probably a half quart to a quart over.  His oil was also black and it looked like he could definitely use an oil change. 

He told me he just changed the alternator and I looked down and saw a new alternator installed.  Looked like it was kind of a bitch to get to.  The airbox is right over the top and the alternator and belt system itself looks like it’s down a little ways.  You at least have to remove the air box, there’s no guarantee that the belt tensioner is accessible from the top, the bolt may be difficult to access because of the space between the alternator and the wall in the engine compartment, and probably at least 1 bolt you have to get from underneath which is a little bit of a reach.  I only saw it for a few seconds but this is what I’d anticipate, I could be wrong.  

I told him I had to replace my alternator a few weeks prior, or actually a few months prior.  It was an easy job.  The alternator is right up top, the belt tensioner and all the bolts are accessible from the top, and the belt itself is easy to put back on.  Since the water pump is on the balancing chain there’s only tensioner, idler, crank, alternator, and AC compressor.  

He offered me a beer for my time but I told him it wasn’t necessary and I didn’t mean to come at him the way I came at him when he called out to me.  I’m from a place where there’s usually something going on when a stranger tells you to come over here, plus also my natural aversion to someone thinking they’re entitled to my time and energy.  Not that I have a problem helping, I enjoy helping others but if you think I’m going to do something for you because you’re telling me to, I have an issue with that and won’t do what I may otherwise do for you, if not for the expectation, or a subtly demanding approach.  

I missed the first exit listening to the radio which cost me about 14 miles total.  From the paved road this campsite is probably 15 miles or more along gravel, dirt, and rocky roads.  For those of you who do not know the 2012 Chevy Malibu has 7 inches of clearance, so I have to drive very carefully along these roads.  A dirt, gravel, or rocky road is not flat, often there are portions with huge gouges where if one tire goes into one of these gouges the bottom of the car is going to hit the ground.  In one spot the gravel build up from the tire tracks on the road in the middle was higher than 7 inches so I had to put a tire on the gravel and drive on the high spot.  In other areas there are rocks in the road that are higher than 7 inches and I have to get out and move the rocks off of the road.  The point being is I have to be very careful driving along this 15 mile stretch that probably takes 40 minutes or more to traverse.  

I was arriving late well after 5 pm and it gets dark early.  I reached the sign that read Cibola National Forest and next to the sign there was a clearing with rocks assembled in a circle for a campfire.  I stopped there.  I went to gather wood and I saw a deer jaw.  A little further I saw the rest of the deer’s head that didn’t seem to be decomposed, suggesting that the head had been detached fairly recently.  I gathered a few pieces of wood and when I passed the deer jaw I saw the ear had been ripped off.  When I made my way back to the fire ring I saw the other deer’s ear.  A strange scene.

If it were a poacher (there was a shotgun shell casing at the campsite) it’s unlikely he would detach the head, rip the jaw bone off, and then cut the ears off.  It was most likely an animal, probably a bear but there is no blood trail from the body, the body was nowhere around the head, jaw, and ears.  More importantly the ears were in seemingly perfect condition as if they were cut off.  I’d imagine that if an animal, maybe not the animal who ripped off the head had pulled off the ears, that there would be some damage to the ears, bite marks, stretching of the tissue beneath the fur.  Whatever it was or even combination of things, if we think maybe an animal dragged the head away from the body after a bear detached and consumed the remainder, and then someone came along the head and decided to cut off the ears, I didn’t want to stay at that place.  It was also right at the entrance to the forest which albeit a few miles from the highway is still as close as I can be to civilization without being in civilization.  

As I proceeded I saw a truck off in the distance.  I was at a point where there were turnarounds presumely used or produced by the rancher in the distance or potentially someone else so I pulled to the side so he could come through.  He pulled alongside me and I told him I was going to Springhill campground.  He told me I’d make it as long as I stayed on the main road.  He mentioned he lost a dog and told me it had his number on his collar.  He asked me if I’d keep an eye out for it and I said yes sir, he thanked me, and I told him he was welcome.  

I was coming down a hill and saw a man who was camping on a clearing on the side of the road.  He had a nice set up, large tent, I think an ATV, maybe even a generator.  About 150 yards down the road there was another clearing and I decided to pull off there.  I can’t drive on the road when it’s dark and I only have maybe 20 to 30 minutes of daylight.  The campsite is also located within the forest where the low light is even less penetrative.  

This morning I saw the rancher again and I proceeded down the road not long after him.  I arrived at the campsite and there are little red structures where a tent, tarp, or sleeping bag can be set up and there is protection from the elements from 3 sides.  I drove up to one site that did not have a structure but I initially thought I would have to park on a hill and I don’t want to sleep on a hill.  I don’t know if it matters but I feel like if I sleep on an incline it creates more work for the body to move blood to my feet and it will impact my quality of sleep.  I went to one that had a  structure but it seemed too close to another camper.  I went to the one that was in the front and parked.  There was a brick I had to move as I pulled in.  Then I saw there was a collection of campfire wood and presumed someone was at this spot and left to explore or something.  I noticed there was a place to park between two rocks that was on flat land and settled into that spot to finish this entry I began last night.  

There is something moving through the forest right now.  I’ve already seen 4 deer in the short period of time I’ve been here.  Definitely don’t want any problems with any bears. I’m finishing this entry then I need to eat, gather firewood, and get my push ups in.  

I started listening to Charlie Kirk when he was talking about the growth in the homicide rate from 2019 to 2020.  What he was trying to do is fix causation to an unprecedented increase in the number of homicides to the riots around George Floyd, and others from 2020.  He cited other high increases in homicide being after the riots in Ferguson, and after the assassination of Dr. King.  Then he brought on a guest who wrote an article about how George Sorros unlimitedly funds district attorneys that don’t prosecute crime and how this has had an effect on homicides.  

There is one statistic that correlates to rises in homicides and this is the gini coefficient.  For every point that the gini coefficient rises there is typically .5 increase in the homicide rate.  (I have to double check that stat from cite LF)  They cut to a woman, I think a recently elected district attorney somewhere funded by Sorros money what she thought was responsible for the rise and she said the pandemic.  The guest said he almost laughed when he heard this.  

It isn’t the pandemic persay, but it is the response to the pandemic.  First we have the underlying causation in the growth of inequality as people in the middle and lower classes are prevented from working and have less, while those who are affluent have what they have and some continue to grow despite the state imposed restrictions in 2020.  Then we have the restrictions themselves, the lack of opportunities for social interaction, and other irritants caused by the irrational response and these factors can cause people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do.   

He goes on to talk about how changes in prosecuting crime and the riots are responsible for the increase in homicides.  He provides one example where someone was released for committing a crime and ending up killing someone.  We’re talking about an increase of 5000 homicides, a total of 21,000.  I checked the numbers for what must have been 2018 and it was 17.500, meaning there must have been a reduction in 2019 if he is accurately reporting that there were 5,000 fewer in 2019 than 2020.  I needed the number to compare the proportion of LGBT people who were victims of homicide compared to the general population.  It was an article highlighting the media’s effort to make it appear that trans people were more likely to be the victims of homicide than the general population.  They’re not, they’re the victims of homicide significantly less than proportionate than their numbers in the general population, despite many tending to have riskier lifestyles than the general population.  

The point is we experienced an uptick in homicides in 2020 after a reduction in 2019.  

I agree that not prosecuting certain crimes or reducing the penalty for certain crimes will encourage people to commit those crimes.  They brought up a good example of the lootings in California where 8 people were charged and all were released, many without having to pay any bail.  Approximately $350,000 in damages.  Just because these defendants were released without bail doesn’t mean they’ll face no penalty in prosecution.  Maybe they won’t face any significant penalty, I don’t know what they’ve been charged with.  As I commented previously, if the charges are steep enough the defendants will tell on other people involved.  Of course another component of this which I am typically against is if they are in jail they’re more apt to provide information to receive reduced sentencing recommendations from the DA.  So that will be a missing component in this prosecution.  

Even so I agree that the severity of the punishment is a deterrent.  The difference is no one is getting no bail releases for homicides, or citations, short jail sentences, fines, community service or warnings.  If you kill someone you’re going to prison for a long time.  This has no bearing on the homicide rate because the deterrent hasn’t changed. 

As for the asserted correlation between the assassination of Dr. King, the justified but controversial use of force against Micheal Brown, or the justified but controversial use of force against George Floyd, and the responses to these events being the culprit you have to provide evidence.  Where are the 5000 homicides that took place because of these riots?  If you can show them you prove your point, otherwise your point is invalidated by a lack of evidence.  If the homicide rate is a product of criminals being released and then killing people, where are the 5000 examples, or even a few thousand examples to prove that point?  Can you produce 3000 examples between the two causes you claim is responsible for the increase in homicides in 2020?  You cannot, which is why you’re on talk radio and huge portions of the country are stupider everyday as a result of your content.  

He also talked about the democrats hijacking words.  What was interesting, is this is true but the examples he provided are not.  One example is a Sorros supported PAC that is used to funnel money to elect district attorneys in local elections called something like Safety and Justice but I may be mistaken, I didn’t write it down.  Then he went way back to Jesse Smollet, where before it was discovered he made up an incident about being a victim of hate crime, he said he liked to believe there was still something called justice.  

These are not examples of how democrats hijack words, where in one instance Justice is used in a PAC to elect DAs who will be biased in their prosecution of crime.  Yes, that is using the word Justice to represent political action that will be inherently unjust, but from the perspective of the left which is true to some extent, justice is also about the correction of disadvantages that motivate crime.  Most crime is the product of circumstances that cause people to commit crime.  However, those circumstances are not racially exclusive, they exist according to the means of the household that an individual is raised in.  And not prosecuting crime as it should be prosecuted is not how that injustice is corrected.  Mercy for the tyrant is torture to the oppressed, where the excusing of crime punishes the victim.  

The democrats and the left in general especially the extreme left does highjack words.  We see it all over the place where things are called racist, sexist, or homophobic that do not meet the definitions of the words.  In doing this, popularizing the application of these words to things they are not, these words take on popular meanings, and begin to represent things they don’t represent by definition.    

I don’t know if this was still the Charlie Kirk show or not, the channel had static by the time I reached these segments.  There was a man with an English accent with another man.  There was a report that the parents of a school shooter who killed 4 people were being charged with 4 counts of involuntary manslaughter each.  I have strong opinions about this that I cannot assert with strength because I don’t have any information about this event.  I think I’ve been in the woods since it took place.  

Presumably the DA is trying to charge the parents because the parents are responsible for the teen having access to the weapon.  If this is the only basis for the charges I think and hope the parents beat the charges.  The first point I’m approaching from a place of ignorance.  I don’t know of any law federally, or if Michigan has a law that requires parents to lock up their guns to prevent access to those guns by minors.  If there is no law requiring this there is no case.  If there is a law I could see how failing to comply with that law could constitute reckless negligence that contributed to the death of those people.  In involuntary homicide, manslaughter charges, there is usually something in the statute that pertains to recklessness or negligence that a reasonable person could expect could cause death.  

If there is a law stating that guns must be stored inaccessible to minors they may have some legal trouble.  Even if there is a law it is still a difficult case because without some pretty overt signs, it isn’t reasonable to believe that a child is going to steal your gun to kill other people.  This is evident by the fact that although seemingly common in the coverage of young people expressing their disconent through murderous rampages, those who do still represent an extremely small fractional percentage of the population.  Which is to say a child having access to a gun is no indicator that a child would steal the gun to kill others.  For parents, even in the presence of some pretty overt signs, parents have such strong biases about the goodness of their children, or at least a bias that prevents them from believing their children are capable of committing murder, that isn’t reasonable to believe their child having access to guns would result in their child using those guns to harm others.  If there is a law that guns must be stored in a way that makes them inaccessible to children within the household the parents may still beat the cases, and if there isn’t they should.  

I think the prosecution is largely politically motivated, or career motivated.  Then again, maybe the parents knew more than I know they knew and there is evidence that they knew he was going to do this.  I doubt this, and think it’s more likely they’re being charged for not storing the guns where the child didn’t have access to them.  

While the DA may believe that this may serve as a deterrent to future school shooters it may produce the opposite effect.  Obviously, if many of these children had open and positive relationships with their parents they may not become so completely alienated that they vent their discontent in this manner.  A child who is mad at his parents and has other social issues he or she is facing may take their parents’ guns and shoot people to destroy the lives of their parents.  Charging the parents may be popular among some segments of the public, but I don’t think it is right and I don’t think it will serve as a deterrent to future mass shooters or mass killers.  

The last issue they mentioned was how Kyle Rittenhouse is still being labled a white supremacist by the media.  I saw a Democracy Now headline before I went camping before he was acquitted that read Trial of the White Supremacist and the accusation is disgusting.  They project his motivation for being in Kenosha armed was in pursuit of an opportunity to kill people who were demonstrating for racial justice, and now here’s evidence that the system is racist and acquits white supremacists of homicide. 

First there was nothing from the officer’s behavior that indicated their treatment of Jacob Blake was motivated by race or anything other than his behavior and their lawful obligation to take him into custody.  Prior to being shot he was told to drop the knife.  He was possessed of a knife in swinging distance of the officer where had he chosen to swing around and stab the officer he could have done this at any time.  This means when he was shot he was an imminent threat to produce great bodily harm to the officer or death.  If you are stabbed or sliced in the leg and your femoral artery is severed you can bleed out within minutes before help can arrive.  Or if you’re hit in the neck and your jugular is severed you may experience a similar outcome.  Bullets are not magical immobilizers, meaning even if the officer could shoot Blake before he struck had he began to swing, Blake could have still proceeded to the target while being shot.  The use of deadly force was lawful.  

Kyle Rittenhouse with other concerned people, some from Kenosha some from surrounding areas were armed and attempting to defend property from an irrational looting mob supported, and probably largely organized from outside of Kenosha.  In those efforts he was chased and assaulted by an assailant and fired his weapon to defend himself.  The person who is assaulting him poses an imminent threat of death or great bodily harm in that assault because if Kyle is disarmed by the assault he will be beaten by the assailant and probably others or potentially shot by his own weapon.  

After this Kyle ran again and was pursued by others who attacked him.  One kicked him, the other grabbed the barrel of his gun after attempting to hit him with a skateboard and the third pointed a gun at him.  Obviously all these actions are a threat of great bodily harm and death which makes Kyle’s use of force justified according to the law and according to common sense.  You have a person who at every point was trying to avoid confrontation running away.  He didn’t even attempt to intimidate the crowd by pointing the gun at them.  Instead he ran away and only defended himself when he was unable to escape.   

On the show they went on to praise Kyle’s performance.  This is something I did immediately after watching the videos and understanding they took place in self defense.  The performance was incredible.  The first he had a person swinging at him with I believe a backpack which hit him and the rifle if I remember correctly and was able to hit the target.  Then he runs and falls.  I believe he cleared a jam while being kicked, having a person try to hit him with a skateboard and grabbing the barrel of the rifle and getting off a shot to neutralize that threat.  Then he was able to get the shot off against the other assailant holding him at gunpoint.  To remain that cool and focused while executing as well as he did under those circumstances is pretty amazing, and then to only be 17 with limited experience under that kind of pressure is incredible.  I say this as a person who has been in a lot of serious physical altercations knowing what it feels like to act under similar pressure.  

They had to fuck it up with reporting how someone told him that god was with him during the incident and the trial, and Kyle saying he felt like that.  GTFOH with that superstitious bullshit.  Kyle’s parents were responsible for ensuring that Kyle was capable of operating a firearm and making good decisions in using the weapon, and Kyle was poised enough to defend himself when he was forced into a situation to defend himself.  All human results are a product of the decisions of the people on this planet.  

I only caught a small piece of NPR.  It was the Omachron variant and vaccine promotion.  The host of the show asked about the availability of vaccines and explained she was having trouble getting a booster in the DC area.  Whether she has had trouble getting a booster or not it was a launch point for the brain dead pharma Biden promoter she was interviewing.  He assured her that supply was not an issue, the only issue was getting people scheduled to administer the boosters.  He cited some number of boosters and vaccines they had and also how they had so much that they were exporting I think 10 million doses.  The global pandemic is not just US promotion but a world wide promotion.  

A few weeks or months ago, (it’s all the same to me at this point) I read that the Biden Administration raised the prices to be paid for the booster and vaccines.  I don’t remember what it was, one was raised from like 20 to 28, the other raised from something like 50 to 60 dollars.  Imagine you had a product that you could sell to hundreds of million of people, that made probably $20 per unit, since the research and development was largely paid for by the public?  Imagine that it was being mandated by governments, and there was a PR campaign that was the  most effective narrative for the media to earn money attracting attention?  It’s a crazy world we live in.  People are amazingly stupid, and manipualated through that stupidity. 

12/2/2021

It was colder during the night than it had been on previous nights and the cold continued into the early morning hours at the Pueblo Camp Site.  I didn’t want to proceed north where there was the potential for colder weather.  I traveled to Reserve to pick up some food.  I did a poor job shopping, buying another loaf of bread, more walnuts, a small can of pringles, and two bags of corn nuts.  It’s Thursday, I still have 4 days out here but with the second loaf of bread and the time I have remaining it should suffice.  I asked the woman if they had any restaurants open and she told me they had a restaurant next to the gas station.  

There was only one man and woman, presumably a couple seated in the restaurant.  The gentleman working at the restaurant told me he would be right with me and made good on those words.  They had wifi and I briefly had phone service.  I ordered a green chile and cheese omelet which came with hashbrowns and pancakes.  It was delicious, especially since I hadn’t eaten any hot food for about 9 days now.  I did have the can of chili but wasn’t able to heat it up very well and that half cooked mac and cheese I ate was not hot and was not good.  

I didn’t know where I was going but I headed back to 180 via 12 which is the turn off to get to Reserve.  I stopped at the picnic area I stopped at near 78.  I took a picture of the map and set a course for the 15 which leads back into Gila forest where there are campgrounds.  Thanks to this decision I have some things to write about most of which come from right wing talk radio to allow me to make good on what I wrote previously, that the right is almost as much of a problem as the left.  Which is to say their bullshit is slightly less harmful than the bullshit of the left.  

I didn’t know Silver City was actually a somewhat sizable town.  As I was entering the city I saw a pick up truck that said law enforcement on the side.  Shortly after I passed him he pulled out and followed me into town but was trailing behind me a far enough distance that he probably couldn’t see my plate.  I saw a sign that required me to turn to stay on 180 and I had to stay on 180 to get to the 15.  I saw the officer turning left and would have almost had to cut him off to make the turn so I decided to keep straight.  I pulled into a place called Lotta Burger.  I would have stopped there to eat had I not had breakfast at the cafe in Reserve.  

Had I known Silver City had more than a hundred people and a few shops I may not have gone to Reserve, although at the time I was thinking about just returning to Cosmic.  At the same time if I knew Silver City was as big as it is I probably wouldn’t have gone there altogether because of the possibility of an encounter with law enforcement if LE was interested in me because of the emails.  I don’t think that’s the case.  

I had 4 voicemails.  I checked my voicemails and they were solicitations from insurance companies for someone named Carlos.  I also received two text messages for insurance quotes, one for Kelsey and another for Carlos.  Someone has been using my phone number.  I think my website may have also been hacked because my password has changed.  I can bypass the word press login by going through GoDaddy.  I was also locked out of my facebook for suspicious activity but I reactivated the account.  I should have looked at my content on my website but I didn’t do that.  I was going to add this camp journal to it but I wanted to get on the road.  

In the Lotta Burger parking lot I checked my email and there wasn’t anything from the university presses.  After this I contacted Holly just in case Ava tried to get ahold of me and couldn’t over the last 9 days she wouldn’t worry.  Holly was in a meeting and asked me to text her.  I told her what I wrote here that I was just letting them know I’ve been in a place with no cell service and sent her a picture.  Ava would love it out here.  I’m not a big fan of it.  

I headed up 180 towards 15.  I turned off when I saw a sign that said 15 but I needed to turn and then turn again to get to 15.  I figured it out when the road became dirt and ended.  Once I got on 15 there was a sheriff and another law enforcement officer talking in their trucks.  I don’t think I have anything to worry about but who knows.  It’s very possible I’m a person of interest for the emails but it wasn’t blown out of proportion where my whereabouts are that concerning.  

I headed up the 15 listening to talk radio.  I stopped at this campground right off of 15 that is on the Gila River.  I dumped out the little bit of remaining grapefruit juice I had.  There was definitely something wrong with it.  I cut the top off of it to scoop water to take a shower.  I grabbed my shower shoes, a change of clothes, towel, wash cloth, soap and this mat and went down to the river.  As expected the water was cold.  The bottom of the river is gravel and a little muddy looking but when I scooped the water into the jug it was crystal clear.  The funny part is, after I finished taking my shower I looked up and there was a house or cabin or something that I was probably visible from.  You don’t expect there to be anyone living in a permanent structure out here.  The worst part is I was turned away from it and I was bending over to try to rinse the soap out of my ass which would have been fucked up to see from that vantage point.  I don’t know if anyone saw me.  I’m still here, and about an hour ago a man in a truck I think drove to that location.  If you drive down from the campsite towards the river there is a fence that reads road closed.  But beyond this fence there is a road and I think it goes up to that house.  I saw his truck go down towards the river and then go up to that house so at least he wasn’t home when I was down there.  

Just smoked some weed and when it first hits me it usually relaxes me and I’m able to think more freely.  I identified my real problem in just reflecting on what I’ve been hearing on these talk radio stations.  I shouldn’t say my real problem but the root of my problems.  The root of the problem is you cannot sell truth.  You cannot sell truth because no one wants to hear it because eventually it harms their beliefs.  I know I’ve been explaining this for a while so it isn’t some revelation but to me it is significant just to put it in that simplistic wording.  What’s the one thing that never goes up in value despite how short the supply is?  Truth.  

The last paragraph before I hit the weed I wrote I don’t really enjoy it out here.  I was just thinking back to lying to the rancher who told me to enjoy myself out here and I lied and told him I am.  This is a good example of a just lie.  As I explain in Liberty the Definitive Moral Truth and maybe in the libertyandtruth summary on my website, the use of deception isn’t imposition if telling the truth will lead to imposition on the teller and when the deception doesn’t impose on the hearer.  Of course I’m going to tell him I’m enjoying it up there because if I’m not enjoying it up there I’m hiding from something.  Whether he believes I’m enjoying it or not doesn’t create any disadvantage for him.  I also told him I was planning to be up there a few days, and at the time I intended to, as I stated I intended to be up there a week before I interacted with him.  That was accurate at the time since I’m reflecting on the event.  

I’m going to begin with the topics on the NPR station because I heard those before entering into a new broadcast area.  

The first topic wasn’t very interesting but I’ll comment on it since I wrote it down.  There’s a controversy in Phoenix about installing police cameras downtown.  The police want to install cameras and there is a faction within the city that doesn’t want them installed.  Unfortunately I really don’t know enough about downtown phoenix to have an opinion as to whether or not they serve a public good or necessity.  Anytime there is an issue between liberty and security, or privacy and security, this is something that should be put to referendum.  If you have riots, looting, vandalism, or just a high level of person on person crime during high turnout events, people may want the cameras as a deterrent to such behavior.  I don’t know if Phoenix has those problems or not.  But either way, something that impacts the entire city in such a significant way should be put to referendum.  

My biggest concern is the purpose of the cameras.  If we’re turning the streets of downtown phoenix into the UK where officers are watching these cameras looking for crime, in that situation I think I’d rather my assailant escape justice because there wasn’t a camera and he could not be caught through a conventional investigation, than to live in an environment where there are active eyes watching for crime in public at all times.  If the camera footage is only viewed when a crime has taken place this implementation of cameras may be acceptable and sought after by the public.  The cameras would have to be implemented with the regulation that they would only be viewed as evidence when a crime is committed, or when law enforcement is looking for a suspect for a crime committed in the area immediately after the crime has been perpetrated. 

It was maddening to hear a report about children in a school band who played the trombone in upstate new york having to sit 20 feet from each other in the 4 corners of the room due to covid.  Now because of what the children refer to as a mask for your trombone they can play 6 feet apart.  They have masks with holes and magnets so they can open the hole to play and then wear the mask when they’re not playing.  I don’t think there’s anything more I can say on covid, any more CDC statistics that I can present to make the point that covid 19, coronavirus, and all of its variants, is no more harmful to people than the flu is.  Why is this?  Because the same people who are at risk for fatal complications from the flu are the same people who are at risk for a fatal outcome with covid.  The same people who are not are not.  I’ll be touching on this again from the rightwing Vitamin D bullshit.  The flu has a higher mortality rate among people under the age of 10 than does coronavirus.  The stupidity is astonishing, since children who have a higher risk of dying from the flu than coronavirus never had to sit 20 feet apart, wear masks during practice, or have masks for their trombones during any flu season.  

There was a professor heading some organization to promote the implementation of renewable energy.  She said she believed wind power could produce half the nation’s energy.  Right now I believe somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 to 7% of the nation’s power is produced by wind.  I may be off but not that far off, the last time I looked at the statistics a few years ago wind and solar combined were responsible for less than 10% of US grid electricity.  She stated that 60% of Iowa’s electricity was generated by wind which sounds very impressive when you first hear it.  After thinking about what does that really represent?  Iowa is a state of about 4 million people.  The United States is a country of 330 million people, it isn’t that meaningful that 4 million of those people’s energy is produced by wind, because 326 million people’s power is not 60% wind generated.  

As for her assertion that 50% of US power can be generated through wind, I’m sure that’s backed up by data taking into account how many wind turbines are required to generate x amount of energy, and the locations for a minimum standard of performance.  I don’t doubt the assertion, but we can also generate 50% of our power by putting fat people on bicycles and having them pedal, it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.  How do we generate 50% of US power through wind?  Do you propose we subsidize wind development as was done under Obama, where private funds are used to build structures that become private assets?  She’s coming on to give the illusion of meaningful progress, in that 60% of Iowa’s population of 4 million is using wind to generate power, and to pretend she has a solution by stating what can generate power, but not how to make that happen.  I’m also not trying to take anything away from Iowa doing their part in transitioning to renewable energy, although if I knew how they reached that, who paid and who benefited I might still be critical.     

This next topic is something that I really need to think about.  They were interviewing some policy maker from one of the social media giants about their community standards.  I don’t have the solution off the top of my head because it is an issue of free speech versus private property, and how that private property being a tool of popular influence, where censorship of what is posted on this public forum (even if it is private property) can steer the population in directions decided by a few individuals who decide what should and should not be censored.  There are things I need to think about, but ultimately I want to take away the ability of social media companies to censor what people post on their platforms.  

 Let’s pretend that Facebook, Youtube, Instagram, Twitter etc were actual communities.  Picture a large fenced in area where the members entered and talked to one another and made signs.  In this setting the owners of this space could set community standards and decide what signs were appropriate and what signs were not within this fenced in area.  People who agreed with those standards would enter the area and participate with others who also agreed with those standards.  In that setting you have a private community of participants who subscribe to those standards.  

This is what social media is purported to be.  What social media actually is is more akin to a provider of material to make signs and then people write on those signs and show them to the public.  The signs or posts are written on private property but are essentially public statements and censorship of content is essentially private control of free speech.  This may seem a stretch but how do the courts view the content of social media posts in regard to intellectual property?  If you quote a social media post in a commercial publication the creator of the post is not entitled to any compensation, because the courts view social media content the same as public statements.  A post on social media is regarded the same as someone saying something in public.  Perhaps a violation of free speech case can be filed against a social media company for something they’ve censored, and maybe this angle can be used to prevent social media giants from controlling free speech and shaping public opinion through their opinions.     

The first show I heard was the Dan Bongeno show.   

His show was about the swamp, where politicians are elected to do things and then they write legislation people don’t understand and the bureaucrats appointed, interpret it and act on it, and they have all the real power.  Then he takes this argument and moves to reinforce nationalist myths.  He states that politicians are afraid to do anything, basically afraid to take any responsibility which is why they write legislation people can’t understand to take credit if it goes right or to blame it on the bureaucrats if it goes wrong.  Then he claims this is a problem in the functioning of government because the government was created with checks and balances, where it requires politicians who are strong leaders and want to do things.  The idea that the senate, the representatives, and the executive, should all be pushing against one another to do things and get the best thing out of it.  That was my interpretation based on the problems he was stating and his segway into checks and balances but he may have meant something different.  .  

Checks and balances were not a product of creating the best possible legislation or even to protect liberty, the reason we have two chambers of congress is to protect the interests of money from democracy.  James Madison wrote “if elections were open to all classes of people, the property of the landed proprietors would be insecure. An agrarian law would soon take place… Landholders ought to have a share in the government to protect these invaluable interests and to balance and check the other. They ought to be so constituted as to protect the minority of the opulent against the majority poor and this body should be the senate.”  It was never about checking the power of one branch of government with the power of another, but also intended to fragment popular power to check popular interests and protect minority interests.  

Bongeno was referencing one Biden appointment to the FCC who in a different capacity during the Trump Administration said that Fox News was state propaganda.  In her confirmation hearing she was asked about this and stated that she made the statement essentially because it was her job to make that statement, or the organization she represented supported that idea and that it wouldn’t bias her performance as head of the FCC.  

There are a few things here.  The host stated how can such a statement not bias her.  I made the case in the previous paragraph that it doesn’t necessarily represent her views, it demonstrates her willingness to do or say anything to effectively do her job.  Do I believe that’s true?  I don’t know much about her but I’m going with fuck no on that answer.  There’s no way she could make such a statement and not allow it to bias her approach to regulating broadcast and other communication.  

At the same time the statement isn’t false, and the next republican administration in the white house will make that statement true again.  I’m not a regular subscriber to any cable news although from time to time I see the content.  It disgusts me because as I watch I know it is molding people’s perception around bullshit and I’m essentially powerless to address the misconceptions.  In my book Understanding Political Functions Through Recent Political History 2019-2020 I wrote articles addressing popular issues during that period and was unable to reach anyone.  I didn’t see too much negative reporting on the white house during the trump administration, the same as you don’t see much negative reporting on the Biden Administration from MSNBC.  Different broadcast news become state propaganda outlets depending on which party is in the white house.  

She could have earned some respect if she had even a shred of integrity by saying that.  That she saw the angle of coverage of the white house as habitually praising and positive with the absences of anything significantly critical and that’s why she made the statement.  Then still say her observation will not bias her enforcement of regulation.  

As for the power of the heads of major US agencies they’re appointed by politicians, who are paid to advance the interests of industry.  It doesn’t matter if the legislation is opaque and your listeners can’t read it, the political system exists as a forum for industry to decide policy through political investment.  Always has been.  It doesn’t matter if politicians are writing bills the public can understand or if the policy is carried by appointees heading US regulatory agencies, the people has always been the people with the money.  I don’t like how this “deep state”, “bureaucratic swamp is in control” bullshit reinforces the idea that the US has lost it’s way by not following the constitution.  

One of my favorite quotes from the constiutional debates was from Oliver Ellsworth who was arguing against importing slaves he said “As population increases, poor laborers will be so plentiful as to render slaves useless.”  In the article the Founding Intents in Understanding Political Function Through Recent Political History 2019-2020, I make the point that this in some senses is a fulfilled prophecy.  First I’m not comparing modern day working poor with slavery.  What I am saying is that economically, if we consider that the minimum requirement to keep a slave productive was to provide food, shelter, and clothing, and today there are people who work jobs who receive food share and other benefits, than slaves have been made useless since it is cheaper to hire someone to work for you, than it is to provide them food, shelter and clothing.  Not saying the quality of life was better as a slave, only that conceptionally, an abundance of poor laborers have made slaves useless.   

The most telling quote that the United States was designed to be governed by wealth comes from a letter from James Madison to Thomas Jefferson where he writes “The subscriptions (state debt) are consequently a mere scramble for so much public plunder.  It pretty clearly appears, also in what proportion public debt lies in this country, what sort of hands hold it, are by whom the people of the United States are to be governed.”  

Subscriptions were state notes, essentially debt that had value to the public as currency because it could be used to pay taxes, so people bought and sold in it.  The value of these notes was determined by the amount of taxes collected relative to the amount of notes in circulation.  For example, if in a year the state issued $1000 in notes to finance the government and collected $1000 in taxes the note would have a much greater value than if the state issued $1000 in notes but only collected $100 in taxes, where only 1 out of every 10 dollars is required to pay taxes.  

When these promissory notes lost their value some founders and some people friendly and influential among the founders purchased these notes at a fraction of their value from the population who held them, and then in creating the constitution made sure that the new federal government would pay off the states debt that they held.  That is exactly what happened and why Madison wrote “The subscriptions (state debt) are consequently a mere scramble for so much public plunder.  It pretty clearly appears, also in what proportion public debt lies in this country, what sort of hands hold it, are by whom the people of the United States are to be governed.”  Because the notes were worthless to the public, and those with money saw an opportunity to make an investment and ensure it matured.  Which wasn’t the only reason for the creation of the federal government but it isn’t much different from what we see today in government.  More important than the subscriptions is the statement in what proportion public debt lies are by whom the people of the United States are to be governed.  This is more important because it is an admission from the chief architect of the system that they were making a system that would be directed by money.  

This is a big problem I have with the right and their nationalist myths.  Most political arguments from the right take place with the deification of the founders of this country, the perfection of the constitution, and everything is about how the United States has lost its way from these good and noble intentions.  This isn’t true.  The founders would be very impressed with how well power has adapted to remain in the same hands as they intended to have hold it.  

As the constitution goes I think the founders did a good job in the bill of rights.  I think the US constitution is a document that does a good job in ensuring basic liberty, but we have to remember that that is only 1 part of the constitution, there are other articles that deal with the functioning of government.  I’m not going to go into it too far because I’ve already ran long on this point.  It’s in the article and in the book I mentioned in this entry.  I believe the reason individual liberty was so well protected by the founders wasn’t to ensure that all people had freedom.  This is evident by the efforts to limit the expression of popular will in government as well as limiting sufferage.  Although there were no property requirements to vote in the constitution as Beard points out in An Economic Interpretation of the Constitution this wasn’t because they thought all people should be able to vote.  There was discussion of property requirements but there was no way to reconcile the differences of what was held by those in the north and what was held by those in south, where one may have liquidity in metal or physical assets whereas those in south were possessed of land.  Which is why that was left up to the states.  To me the reason the founders did a good job in protecting individual liberty was to ensure they were protected from the system they were creating in the event that measures intended to protect the minority of the opulent from the majority poor failed to do so.  To protect themselves as individuals from the system they were creating.   

I liked the reporting he did on BLM.  He pointed out the irony in huge corporations financially supporting an organization headed by trained Marxists, who just issued a statement that people should boycott white corporations for the next 30 days.  What he fails to realize is that despite the organization stating it is against corporate interests BLM serves corporate interests.  

I’ve written many times that the best way to keep the underclass divided and prevent the achievement of class goals is promoting racial divide.  This is actually a secondary point but from 2008 until about 2016 there was a great deal of emphasis on class and this narrative isn’t supported by wealth and industry.  Making an issue out of race takes the focus off of class which is the only real significant source of disadvantage in this country.  

That’s the secondary point.  The primary point is that supporting BLM serves corporate interests in allowing them to associate their brands with race based causes, which causes idiot progressives to purchase their products and use their stores, and republicans will still purchase the products from them that they like.  It makes perfect sense that large corporations support an organization that is overtly against their interests but actually serves their interests by advancing ideas about race that create the perception that their support of equality causes are relevant.  

He also mentioned that the owner had multiple properties, one he stated was over 7 figures.  I don’t know if the 7 figures is accurate but I imagine it probably is.  All this cunt is doing with all the resources that she has is thinking about ways she can harm people by claiming to be taking on a cause to uplift her people.  So she benefits from all this support, enough to have a comfortable life and she has no ideas to improve the financial situation of her own people?  Not statements that all white people should give their money to black people, something practical, achievable, and that serves the interests of black people without harming the interests of anyone else.   Or serves the interests of black people while serving the interests of all people.  That’s what you do when you’ve concerned about a problem.  Not beat a drum of militant stupidity to contribute to your own comfort.  

I have two more points left I’m going to address out of order because the first is simpler.  They’re both simple but this one I’ve pretty much already completed in my head.  The first is a supreme court ruling on Mississippi’s 15 week abortion bill.  The host, Charlie Kirk I didn’t care for and have a point pertaining to something he said.  His guest was a law professor from Notre Dame and although we probably have different views on abortion as well as a number of other things, moral differences I presume, he did a good job of articulating the main features of the case.  

I haven’t read Roe v. Wade or the 92 case he mentioned uphold the precedent of interpretation of the constitution.  What I remember from what they said and I may be conflating one thing with another, that one of these cases makes a distinction between a fetus that can live out of its mother’s mothers womb and one that cannot, which ultimately comes down to the ability to breath, or lung development.  I may be wrong about this detail and conflating one thing with another.  I was driving with a cliff or a ditch if I fucked up so I couldn’t listen that intently, or at times my concenttration on what was being said was interupted.  

The basis of his analysis is that in order for the Mississippi abortion ban to be ruled constitutional Roe v. Wade must be overturned.  He also mentioned a legal term that was discussed which essentially allows an erroneous precedent of interpretation to stand because reversing it would harm the interests of the public in consideration of how things have developed because of that precedent.  I don’t know if his opinion is honest or not but he said he believes Roe v. Wade will be overturned and the Mississippi 15 week abortion ban will ruled constituional.  Like I said, I don’t know if he believes this or if he makes this prediction because it is presumably what the listeners want to hear.  

I’m pro choice for a few different reasons, the first and most important is to prevent children from being brought into circumstances that will most likely produce miserable lives, as well as the detriment it may have on the lives of the parents or parent.  I also don’t believe it is morally wrong because there is no imposition taking place.  The fetus is not conscious, has no experience, and isn’t harmed, doesn’t lose anything and is’t imposed on in anyway.  If your life is so good that the only meaning you can find in it is through your opposition to bringing a child into this world that you don’t have to take care of, who one day you may be saying should be locked up, or won’t give a dollar to on a freeway off ramp, I have this advice to give you:  dedicate your life to eliminating the circumstances that cause people to get abortions.  Most of those circumstances are money and time related.  

As for this case it is in some sense not very meaningful and in another it is.  Most people will think I have the priorities backward but they are very much in the right order.  It isn’t very meaningful if Roe V. Wade is overturned because what it will mean is abortion will be something that is regulated by the states.  If you need to have an abortion you have to go to a state that does it.  Who knows that system might be beneficial, California will probably give you a free abortion as a political refugee fleeing gender persecution.  Even if Mississippi wins the case the actual impact isn’t very significant to me, and this will create the opportunity for new non-profits to spring up to finance abortion trips for women who can’t afford them in states that have restrictions.  Otherwise, I’m sure there’s a guy somewhere practicing Joe Rogan kicks ready to kick women in those states in the stomach for $100. 

Being antiabortion is a stupid position and bills like Mississippi’s, will not reduce the number of abortions.  It’s just an opportunity for politicians to gain the support of the public by doing something that benefits no one.  Mississippi I believe has the lowest median income in the nation, and they’re leading the fight against abortion.  LOL.  Again, create opportunities for people to have money and have time and you will reduce abortions.  These politicians earn a good living preying stupidity that is born out of religious superstitions.  

The harmful part of Roe v. Wade being overturned is it opens the door gender disadvantage and women’s rights being under attack, focusing attention on that nonsense.  This is more harmful to me than abortion being something that is regulated by the states as opposed to being a guarenteed right by the federal government.  

The one comment the host made on the subject I wanted to address is he stated that he believes the constitution should protect the rights of the born and the unborn.  This is idiotic on the face of it since who is entitled to be protected by the rights guarenteed in the constitution?  Citizens of the United States.  How does one become a citizen of the United States?  By being BORN in the United States.  

Lastly, is the claim that Charlie was making from another guy’s article citing supposedly 142 studies but only quoting 1, that a person’s chances of dying from covid 19 are directly tied to their vitamin d levels.  There are a lot of things wrong with this assertion but I’ll address the most important first.  

My biggest issue with the right during the covid-19 scamdemic is people like this who undermine the most fundamental problem with covid being used to impose on the rights of citizens and causes all the issues that it has.  That covid-19 is not a threat to public safety because it only kills the weakest members of the population, the very sick, or the very old.  The assertion that your best chances against covid 19 is to make sure you have high enough vitamin d levels reinforces the idea that covid-19 is dangerous.  

This has been my problem with the right throughout.  Why are you arguing about the effectiveness of masks?  Why are you arguing about that Malaria drug when you were arguing about that?  The issue hasn’t changed ever.  The proportion of the population that has a risk of dying from covid-19 is quantifiably too low for covid-19 be considered a threat to public safety.  Why have they been arguing perimeter points throughout?  Because they’re just as fucking stupid as the left they just have different authorities, and different people who think for them.  Obviously the creators of these points and premises have to find new things to attract attention to as any media or political entertainment producer does, and the people who like to believe what they say consume it, and repeat it.  

As to the assertion itself it’s extremely dubious.  1st the only study he quoted consisted of only about 800 people whose vitamin d levels were known at the onset of symptoms.  That’s a very small sample size in consideration of all cases to this point.  Second, even if there is a correlation between infected people having better outcomes because of higher vitamin d levels, we don’t know if the outcomes were better because they had higher vitamin d levels, or if low vitamin d levels are a product of age or underlying medical conditions that predisposes people to have poorer outcomes.  3rd what is the age and the medical history of the participants in this study? 

In other words, not only is it bullshit because it implies covid is more dangerous than it is in implying that it is a danger to anyone who is infected, it is likely bullshit in the assertion of false causation.  What determines a fatal outcome with covid 19 is the ability of your immune system to become engaged against the virus and kill the virus faster than it can use cells to replicate.  If you’re not over 80 years old and you don’t have seriously advanced underlying medical conditions you will experience sickness and then recovery.  

I’m out of radio stations out here.  I’ll probably drive out of here tomorrow.  That shower today was nice.  I haven’t had to shit in the woods since the campsite on 152 but my ass was tore up from that outhouse toilet paper.  When I first got in the water it was only about the middle of my shin high. There were some giant tadpoles sitting on the bottom of the water.  When I finished washing up they must have swam off. I wanted to try to catch one.  

My daughter said she wanted to take a road trip after she finishes high school before she starts college, and I think she may have commented that this was a place she wanted to go.  I think she’d really enjoy coming out here with her boyfriend and or other friends. 

12/1/2021

Last night I was at Cosmic Campground.  Much different than the previous campsite off of 159 in that 1: there were other campers, 2: I was maybe a mile from the highway, 3: the campsite wasn’t surrounded by trees.  I thought the night would be much less intimidating.  There were a few things that created concern.  1st, as the sun was going down I heard something walking through the brush not far from the campsite.  I also heard a snorting sound.  I was able to create a decent campfire that gave off light and I ended up circling the campsite with my knife drawn.  I’d have felt like a bitch if I went to my car too early.  I feel better circling the campfire like a mad man because I have probably an irrational fear of secluded wilderness areas after dark.  Then again this paranoia is probably stoked by smoking marijuanna where the night before in the woods I was much less concerned when I didn’t consume any intoxicants.  Then again, I built up some familiarity with the area and this may have contributed to comfort.  Sitting near the fire it’s difficult to distinguish the crackling of the fire from a potential predator lurking in the brush beyond my line of sight.

The second issue I had is since there wasn’t much tree cover where I camped there was a lot of wind.  I didn’t know there was a lot of wind until the next morning when my chair was blown over.  I kept hearing things hit my car.  Another issue that I eventually resolved is cars coming from a road in the distance appear as someone walking nearby with a flashlight.  Before I figured this out I thought someone was in the woods around the camp.  The point being, it took me a while to fall asleep and I didn’t sleep well. 

I woke up in the morning and went for a hike.  I wanted to reach a high hill visible from my camp.  I had to walk up a hill which led down to a valley with a dry river bed which went up another tall hill.  I would at least have to go down the next hill and up the next to reach that point, however, for all I know there were more smaller hills to go up and down before reaching the large one.  The hike to the point I was at was probably about a half hour at the pace I was going, meaning it may have taken another hour to reach the point I wanted to reach.  I don’t have a problem with an hour hike through steep and difficult terrain, I just have a problem with the hour and a half hike back after I just hiked an hour and a half.  

Thankfully, after I returned to camp I saw there was a structure off in the distance that appeared to be a bathroom.  I was very appreciative of this since I did have to take a shit.  After eating and doing my tricep exercises I used the bathroom and proceeded on what I believe is 180 north.  

I passed a campsite I think was called Apache Campground and was considering turning around but I missed the nearest turn around.  I had some cunt in what I think was a white Ford Ranger pick up tailgating me for a few miles.  Eventually he went around me but stayed very close to me when he passed.  I yelled fuck you out my window and flipped him off.  Irritated.  Bitch I’m going faster than the speed limit, I’m not required to travel at your desired speed.  If I had full coverage insurance and a better vehicle maybe I would have swerved into him for passing me aggressively and not going all the way into the other lane to pass.  What does that say about me?  It says I’d feel good about imposing a consequence on him for fucking with me when I didn’t do anything to him.  That I’d cause a minor accident and create an inconvenience for myself is of less value than the satisfaction of being able to create an inconvenience for him.  The high is higher than the low is low.  

Morally the act of passing me aggressively and staying in the lane is threatening.  The driver is implying he is going to hit me with his car by passing me in that manner, which is probably the reason I felt like hitting him.  Despite what I wrote above, even if my circumstances were as described I probably wouldn’t have steered into him but it did piss me off.         

I saw a sign that read Pueblo campsite 6 miles on a turn off.  It’s a dirt road.  I’m a few miles down it.  I found an area that had a campsite and thought it would suffice.  Surrounded by trees so I’m sure I’m going to be uncomfortable when the sun goes down.  I think I’m within about 10 miles of Reserve, NM.  I’m not sure what that town is going to be, if it’s going to be like the town before Alma, or like Alma or if it will actually be a town.  I would really like to stop at McDonalds for some hot food and wifi.  

During my life I’ve developed an understanding with bees.  Obviously I mean this playfully, not literally.  Usually, when I encounter bees I don’t swat at them or run from them. I chill and they buzz around me for a minute and then leave me alone.  Me and bees have got along just fine for decades.  Desert bees or these NM bees are a nuisance.  My theory is that since I have a blue chair and blue bucket the bees think these objects are flowers since blue is a color that doesn’t appear frequently in nature outside of flowers.  If I’m sitting in my chair I’ll constantly have a few buzzing around me.  When I set my bucket down there is a group that will congregate around the bucket.  But even if I’m not sitting in my chair the bees will fuck with me.  

I only heard two stories on the radio and where I’m at now that station has too much static to listen to.  The first story was about an Indian (eastern not native) who has made what sounded like a documentary about an Indian reporter or media outlet that is digitally accessible and reporting on stories not covered by the mainstream media or accepted by the mainstream population.  They mentioned a woman who was raped but she was from what I think is a certain caste where it is acceptable to rape that kind of women and the police didn’t do anything about it.  India is a country where being a woman is a source of disadvantage.  A backwards place rooted in thousands of years of an irrational and controlling explanation for existence.  That’s their decision, that’s for them to change if there are enough among them who want to change it.  I wasn’t very interested in the story, only in as much as it is an example of women facing disadvantages in India, and reinforces ideas that there are gender disadvantages generally, where this is promoted in the United States but doesn’t meaningfully exist as a barrier to opportunity.  

The second report was about Arizona teacher hiring.  I hope the state is sued by a white woman who doesn’t get a teaching position citing discrimination on the basis of gender and race.  The report mentioned they were looking for racially diverse and underrepresented people with bachelor’s degrees, talking about people of color and men.  It is illegal to discriminate in employment based on race and gender, and stating a bias based on those criterion creates a prejudice against those who may be qualified but do not meet the race gender criteria, which may be perceived as discrimination.  

The woman essentially stated they want teachers who were the same race as the children in the schools they’d be teaching in.  This approach does two things.  1st it means they’re not looking for the best teachers they’re looking for teachers who meet a racial criterion.  2nd, it’s counterproductive to the idea that racism is a problem by limiting the opportunities people have during their childhood to interact with people of other races, and interaction between people of different races is the best way to combat the seeding of stereotypes that lead to unequal treatment based on race when those stereotypes are unchallenged by these segregationist strategies employed by idiot progressives.  

Now it may seem like a contradiction in that my reflections on the previous story I state that women in the United States do not face meaningful barriers based on gender as it relates to opportunity, and in this next story I point out that Arizona’s teacher recruitment aims are discriminatory.  If one woman doesn’t get a job because of the combination of her race and gender in Arizona, this isn’t a meaningful gender disadvantage, where women across the board are facing obstacles in opportunity in their everyday life.  It is an exception to normal function and should be dealt with, but doesn’t represent a barrier to the opportunities of all women.  It represents the policy of one profession, in one place, that continues to push a racist and sexist agenda in their quest to create a problem (race and gender disadvantage) so they can claim to be the solution.  The solutions they push further racial divide and create disadvantage.  This isn’t to say I support the ignorance of the right as the cattle minded subscribers of the false political duality may believe, it’s just the only information I’ve had access to is this station.  

As I stated yesterday I wanted to write an article on a video game I finished yesterday from my youth.  The goal is to use the game to promote functional thinking but in putting together the outline in my mind I’m having a little bit of difficulty in pinning down what I want to accomplish through this article and how to articulate what I want to articulate.  I may need to write an outline first.  Although this may seem trivial, I believe the video games I played as a child played some role in the formation of my thinking.  Video games do not exist today as they did then.  Final Fantasy, Gemfire, Shingen the Ruler, the Dragon Warrior series, among others promoted functional thinking in a way that modern games do not.  There was a lot of to do this you must do this.  Maybe it’s a waste of time but I do have some time to waste so I may put this article together. 

11/30/2021

Yesterday the man who brought the cattle to the campsite returned. We exchanged greetings, he told me the location where he had  water collection or storage was one of two places his cattle could get water.  I told him I saw them the previous day and when one of them stepped on (or kicked) something metal (probably kicked the basin) they got spooked and went down the hill, (or at least out of sight).  He asked how long I planned on staying up there and I told him a couple days.  I actually planned on staying up there until next Tuesday.  

This morning I left.  At first I went east on 159, it begins going higher up and then descends into this strange area with old town like structures that seems to be mostly abandoned or part time property.  I drove through the quasi town of at most 40 properties visible from 159, it was interesting.  I had a little bit of storage space left on my phone and was able to record some of the drive through.  The road becomes dirt and there is a sign that says the road should only be driven by high clearance vehicles and mine is not.  So I decided I’d be careful and if there’s no place to turn around and I can’t proceed; then I’ll back out of this bitch a mile, two miles, or whatever the distance is from where I can’t go forward anymore and the last place to turn around.  I went just beyond these four puddles and then there was some standing water in a low area and I didn’t feel confident about continuing through it.  I thought I’d be alright but the severity of the consequence harmed an anchoring objective which was being able to drive my car out of this forest, and all the other purposes the car presently serves, so the immediate objective of proceeding was of less value than the anchoring objective.  I’m not thinking any of this at the time, my reaction is I’m not fucking with that, and that response is a product of that subconscious risk processing.

This leads to a more significant explanation of sequencing and comparison.  

I went north on what I believe is 180.  There was a small town called Alma, otherwise just the gas station was called Alma. I remember the sign outside of the gas station.  I remembered the word meant something, my first thought was something spanish.  I remembered later the word Alma is Hebrew for young woman.  I learned this by reading a rabbi’s reply to a woman’s letter, where the word alma means young woman, a word that has been mistranslated in Christian bibles to say virgin in the old testament, despite the word being accurately translated in other places in the bible.  He uses a proverb as an example, where the proverb including the word alma is used to describe things that do not leave a trace, in reference to fornicating with an alma, which would be a bad example of things that do not leave a trace since fornicating with a virgin leaves blood.   This verse is in a paragraph with three examples of things that do not leave traces, I think one is the trail of an eagle soaring through the sky.  That example I provided isn’t part of the verse verbatim, but is the idea I remember from it.  

The word alma cues the objective to complete the sequence?  Alama means young woman, and this is motion, it is preserved as a sequence, despite consciously thinking about it as a symbol, or symbols represent motion.  

I thought Spanish, and had it been a Spanish word, then Spanish would have been the beginning of the sequence, Spanish, alma, the meaning; the same except it was alma, young woman, Hebrew, recalled in that order.  Why would it begin with Spanish if alma was a Spanish word?  It would begin Spanish because the words I know in Spanish begin from that point, whereas I don’t know any Hebrew words so the object Hebrew isn’t known to produce any effects, except for the word alma.  I don’t think Hebrew first, because Hebrew is not an object known to produce any effects, or I don’t know that I know any Hebrew words.  I begin with Alma, then remember the definition, and then remember the word is Hebrew in the context of that definition.  

After stopping at this gas station and purchasing some gas, a monster, chips, and sandwich I turned on the something informed, credible, NPR knock off radio station as I drove.  

The first item I heard was an interview of Rakim, an old school rapper who said when the crack epidemic hit, overnight the neighborhood changed and it was the beginning of crime and drug dependency more or less.  That was about all I heard from it, shutting it off after the interviewer quoted a lyric that read his favorite subject at high school was lunch.  

1st, crime and drug dependency didn’t begin with crack, it began with disadvantaged and trapping circumstances.  Drugs are an opportunity for liberation where an individual can have time and money for people who could a: get some money together or some credit with someone to get a large enough quantity to break down and sell.  Who could save their money to reinvest to make more money, who had trusted suppliers, security, and enough regular clientele.  Drugs are also a means for people to accept, cope, and remain content with trapped circumstances.  In an environment where most people do not have money, people making money illegally increases robberies, and increases violence in people’s efforts to project an image that will promote security, which is vital to staying in business. 

 The illegality of drugs is what creates that opportunity for disadvantaged people, which is why I’ve never been a proponent of legalizing marijuana.  It takes opportunities for income from the disadvantaged and gives them to the advantaged.  To be in compliance with the regulations requires money that most disadvantaged people do not have, whereas when it is illegal it is a moderately low risk high reward opportunity for disadvantaged people.  I wouldn’t want to roll that back anywhere even if it could be, instead I’d rather increase the means and opportunity for disadvantaged people to have time and money legally.  But in the absence of better opportunity I support the states who still prohibit marijuanna possession. 

The next piece I heard was a neuro cognition researcher from Arizona University who was talking about his study.  What he did was created virtual shopping settings that were similar but not the same.  The purpose was to measure how people confuse like things for the same thing.  He tried to make the research relevant by stating if you’re from a rural area you could mistake some trail for a similar trail if you move.  The examples provided generally were mistaking a similar landmark which would cause you to confuse one place with another. 

First, I thought this is a great example of pissing away time and money on something that does nothing to advance human interests.  To have a study to show people can confuse similar settings as the same setting.  I don’t believe it is as acute as the researcher portrays it to be, implying that if there was a Walgreens on a corner that looked similar to a Walgreens in your former town you would become disoriented.  Given the similarity of everything around us, if this were a problem you wouldn’t have to create an experiment to measure it, you would have people reporting it and you could study the reports or conduct surveys.  More irrelevant research.  The experiment itself, where like things are created and presented, probably increases the prevalence of mistaking similar things for the same thing. 

If we’re confusing a similar place for a familiar place there are different causes depending on the circumstances and the objective.  If we’re talking about a place and landmarks for example, we’re beginning with a navigation objective, where the landmark serves as a cause in a sequence.  It may not even be anything as significant as a turn to get to a certain place, it may be preparatory, where the lake is here and then over the hill is the barn and I turn on the next street.  If you move to a different area and there is a lake and a hill that reminds you of another setting, you’re not going to become lost thinking you’re in that other setting.  Maybe if you have me watch a a video tour of 5 different Walmarts, I’m going to miss key details and mistake one for another, but that isn’t evidence that there is a problem with people confusing similar things for the same things that poses a problem that needs to be studied, to be better understood to find a solution to improve human function.  


Based on his title people will think this guy is smart when his attention has been focused on remembering a lot of horse shit like people confuse similar things as the same things, and conducting self fulfilling research to advance his own career interests.  Not only failing to serve a human interest, but failing to meaningfully advance the knowledge in his field even on a non practical level.  

In ASC we begin with the objective, where motion takes place within a setting.  Seeing a familiar object can cause you to believe said object is that object, where if one object say a landmark is believed to be the landmark from a different place, the effects that object produces will be sequenced from that object.  Where, for example, you see the familiar lake, it produces the sequence of the hill, and the barn, and you could think you’re in that place.  The problem is even if this occurred, when you didn’t see the barn you would recognize the contradiction and know you are not there.  

I can understand how this happens in less familiar places, places you’ve seen in passing which brings me to another identified element of ASC.  In an effort to complete sequences, memory is colored.  If for example you don’t remember what happened you may fill in the gaps according to what you believe took place to create the parts you do remember.  I don’t know if this is what the researcher meant by conducting an experiment through the creation of virtual shopping centers, but I imagine it to be something like I mentioned where you would walk through perhaps with a headset, and then be expected to identify and distinguish between which shopping center was which.  If this is what it is or something similar, the participant is going to establish sequences that end in the identification of each shopping center.  An example would be the entrance is here, the frozen goods are here, the clothing is here, the bathrooms are here, and that is store x.  These are not layers, these are a sequence even if not held together in order through memory.  If you have two stores with similar layouts, if you cannot remember a point within a store, the missing point may be filled in to complete the sequence, and since the sequence is similar to another sequence it may be filled in by the point in the known sequence, since it is similar.  For example let’s say the details are 1 2 3 4 is 5, and 1 2 3 6 is 7, if you remember 1 2 3, if you can’t remember 6, the most likely missing point is 4 which means it’s 5.  Or if you see the entrance, frozen goods, sign, and clothes and this is store one, but store two is the entrance, frozen goods, clothes, and check out, if you can’t remember the check out, remembering entrance, frozen goods, and clothes, may cause you to think store one.  

Would have been nice if the interviewer was half competent and asked some questions relevant to the study, like what was the experience for the participants, what questions are they asked, how are the different settings presented, how much time passed between the participant experience and when they are asked to distinguish between the stores.  Something relevant to know what the experiment actually is instead of just trying to reinforce the points made by the researcher.  

I also heard the station reporting on the new strain of coronavirus and what steps the UK was taking in reimplementing indoor mask mandates.  It is unbelievable how far this has gone and is going.  People are being controlled by the CDC, and keep consuming propaganda designed to ensure the perpetual sale of vaccines and other industrial advantages produced through the hyper concern over a virus that is not a danger to the lives of a great majority (near totality) of the population, in the neighborhood of 99%.  Does the public know that covid-19 wasn’t the first version of coronavirus?  That roughly each year sometimes more or less frequently there were variations of coronavirus.  The difference was they didn’t name them and advertise them to the public prior to covid-19, they numbered them, hence the title covid-19.  There will continue to be variants as have been recorded through the previous years, but now they’ll be named and marketed to the sensitive herd.   

It reminds me of something I wrote about in the covid-19 media project, where Anthony Fauci said even without a virus like coronavirus in circulation people should never shake hands.  People are taking advice from someone whose idea of a risk to health is shaking hands before the scamdemic.  His portrayal of the risk of covid has definitely benefited him personally in supporting the narrative that is beneficial to the media in attracting attention to coverage, and politicians and the interests they represent.  I was at Walmart in Las Cruces, NM, and as I stated, I was in the store probably 2 to 3 minutes before I saw a person who wasn’t wearing a mask.  You go to El Paso 40 miles away other than people working in service no one was wearing a mask.  Based on the amount of people in Las Cruces Walmart who were wearing masks you would think people in El Paso would be dropping like flies.  Of course that’s not the case.  Just surprising to see since I thought that stupid shit was done after the vaccine.

I have one more entry to write that will be more substantial but it’s 11:03 so I think I’m going to write it in the morning.  I beat an old Nintendo game called Shingen the Ruler that I’m going to break down into the motion that produced that result, in functions.  I probably spent over 24 hours playing the game. 

11/28/2021

The last few days I smoked some weed and drank and recorded videos.  Maybe with some effort I could be as articulate as I am writing.  I can be better, these videos are casual good spirited rambling containing a few points.  They may have some entertainment value, some educational value, but every hesitation, every word misspoken, every point delivered poorly lingers in my mind.  I watched the first one back this evening and most of it is alright.  The problem is, are people able to understand that I am that, but I’m also the person in my material?  IDK.  

There’s this large tanker-like trailer and an area where there are two large basins.  I looked in the area when I first arrived.  One basin was empty and the other had stagnant water in it.  Today a truck with a trailer pulled into the area and did something.  We didn’t interact.  Shortly after he left a herd of cattle walked through the woods over to that area.  I was alarmed at first because all I saw was these large animals through the trees.  Thought it might have been bears, and then I was able to make out that it was cattle.  Then I saw they had tags on their ears.  At first I thought they were wild cattle.  Thought I might get charged.  Unfortunately my phone was filled with the videos.  I took a picture, then deleted the picture, and then my camera wouldn’t allow me to take another picture.  I deleted a few more pictures but it still wouldn’t let me take the picture.  

I didn’t do much today.  First day I didn’t go for a hike.  May have had a slight hangover.  I listened to the video I created the night before.  Then I gathered firewood.  After gathering firewood I did a bicep workout.  Played Shingen the Ruler most of the day.  I started to put together my meal plan for the next 8 days but was interrupted by the man in the truck.  

I still have space on my laptop.  Maybe I should try to rerecord some of my outlines.  I wanted to take the videos from my phone and back them up on my laptop to save space.  I tried to cut and paste them but they didn’t copy.  

I don’t have much more to say right now. 

11/25/2021

 After I woke up I gathered firewood.  I did 9 sets of push ups.  I do medium width, wide width, and close width push ups, which is why I did 9 sets.  Should have at least done 12 but I burn out quickly on push ups.  After the push ups I went for a hike.  During the hike I sat near the edge of the cliff and remembered I had a nintendo emulator on my phone.  I resumed playing a game of Final Fantasy.  Spent a good part of the day finishing the game.  Unfortunately this may be my last day with the nintendo because the screen on my phone cracked.  After almost 4 years with this phone I cracked the screen.  

This creates something of a dilemma for me when I leave this mountain.  One of the first things I’ll need to do when I get off this mountain is get a phone.  I may be able to buy a used phone from a private seller.  Again, if this email was blown out of proportion and the police want to question me the goal is to postpone that interaction as long as possible since the longer I’m pursued the greater the possibility for exposure.  Not my intention, but a foreseeable consequence.  

It may be difficult to make it two weeks out here.  I don’t know if I’ve brought enough food.  I really should have just bought a pot and a bunch of Ramens.  I have a bag of apples, 2 and a half loaves of bread, about 34oz of peanut butter,2 jalapenos, about 7oz of beef jerky, 5 meat sticks, 13  10 g protein granola bars, 2 nutty bars, a summer sausage, a box of crackers, 1 protein shake, 8oz of walnuts, 1 slice of pumpkin pie, 6 cans of V 8 8oz juices, half a thing of grapefruit juice, 2 chicken salad sandwich pouches, 1 tuna salad sandwich pouch, and 1 tuna pouch.  If I’m going to last 2 weeks I have a few hungry days ahead.  Also have about 70 waters so I’m good on water.  

I was  going to take a shower today when it was warm but I wanted to take a shit first.  I did that.  At first I was thinking about trying to sit over a rock but then I’m going to piss all over my pants and underwear.  Then I thought about doing the same thing with my bucket but presumed I would probably shit all over my bucket.  I just found a tree and leaned back.  It went well.  LOL. 

There is a progressive news station I get out here.   Yesterday a woman was talking about women she interviewed in prison and said that all their troubles stemmed from not having enough resources.  No shit.  Good thing you’re a concerned person doing interviews to find out shit we already know.  

There was a report today that Biden increased tariffs on Canadian timber because due to Canadian subsidies the American timber industry is not competitive.  Naturally, the American Home Builders association who is probably buying most of the timber is unhappy about this move.  The problem is if builders have to pay more for timber buyers of structures will have to pay more for structures.  If buyers are paying more for structures, those structures that are built for investment purposes will have to charge more for rent.  This move will potentially add to the continued increase in the cost of housing.  

Theoretically, when that cost becomes too high, wherever wood can be substituted for another material the builder will substitute with lower cost material that provides the same structural integrity.  Which will decrease the demand for timber which could have some insignificant ecological benefits but the American timber industry is still going to suffer.  

My thinking wouldn’t be to raise the cost of timber by forcing purchasers of timber to pay for American timber.  If Canada is able to subsidize their timber to give their timber companies a market advantage in the US, then the US should be able to subsidize their timber to give their companies a market advantage.  

The first place we look is in regulation.  What regulations increase the production cost of timber, what purpose do these regulations serve, and do these regulations significantly serve the purposes they’re designed to serve?  What is regulatory benefit to the public interest and is it substantial enough to justify making American timber uncompetitive?  These are the first questions we should be asking is American timber is being replaced in the market by lower cost Canadian alternatives. 

  2nd, how much of the market is being served by Canadian timber?  I don’t have any internet right now so I can’t check, but let’s say it’s 20 billion dollars.  This could be very high or very low. I’m just using the number as an example to illustrate the point.  Then it makes sense to allocate 20 billion to create a timber subsidy if such a subsidy would allow American timber companies to gain a significant share of what Canadian companies hold in the US market.  Again the number is probably no where near what Canadian companies have in the US timber market, and the price 20 billion dollars probably wouldn’t do anything to decrease the cost of US timber, the point is those are the kind of considerations that should be made, as opposed to raising tariffs on imports, effectively raising the price of timber, and consequential the cost to build structures, which includes housing structures.  Since we’re looking at the issue, what is the cost benefit outlook in subsidizing the US timber industry to be competitive in Canada or elsewhere?  People are not elected based on their ability to problem solve, they’re elected on their ability to attract donations through subordination, and their ability to perform political rhetoric that reinforces the perspectives of the masses.

What is the difference between potentially subsidizing timber and the subsidies that I rail against as using public funds to ensure private profits?  The difference is many subsidies are allocated for things that industry is already going to produce, or using public funds to build infrastructure that will be the property of private interests and is profitable without the subsidy.  300 billion dollars during the Obama Administration was spent on energy subsidies, where a lot of that money went to grants for companies to build renewable energy infrastructure or massive tax deductions.  The argument is that these subsidies were necessary to incentivize the creation and implementation of those structures, but the problem is that money could have just as easily been used to build infrastructure outright, owned by the public, power sold to private utilities, and the profits reinvested to build more renewable energy infrastructure.  300 billion dollars represents roughly 1/7 the amount required to transition the entire grid to renewable energy including storage and new transmission.  

The difference is there are timber companies in the United States who have become uncompetitive either due to excessive regulation or Canadian timber.  Every piece of Canadian timber sold in the US is money that goes to Canada, is paid to Canadian workers, spent into the Canadian economy, and reinvested by those who it is spent with.  A subsidy that allows a US company to be more competitive against foreign exports is money that is paid to US workers, spent into the economy by US workers, and is reinvested by those who it is spent with.  As mentioned, if a 20 billion dollar subsidy would increase the market share of US timber by 20 billion dollars it isn’t 0 sum, because the consumption created by retaining that 20 billion dollars in the US stimulates the economy through circulation.  Again 20 billion is a meaningless number. I don’t know what the number is, probably nowhere near that it’s just a large number I threw out there to have something to use to illustrate the points.     

The other story I heard was about the housing crisis in Phoenix.  They have an 8 week wait time on shelter beds.  When we’re talking about housing prices we are talking about an increase based on relativity.  If I own a 10 year old apartment complex and the current ceiling on the market for a 2 year old apartment in a similar quality neighborhood is $2000 a month on 2 bedrooms of similar space as my 2 bedrooms, my rent has a price that’s relative to that $2000 ceiling.  When a new apartment is built and the rent for a 2 bedroom similar to my own is $2500, my 2 bedrooms can now be rented for more because the ceiling is higher, and the 2br that was the ceiling at $2000 a month, may increase rent because that property now has a value that is relative to the to the new apartments.  It’s important to understand, that increasing the amount of units available in an area doesn’t necessarily decrease the cost of housing through typical laws of supply and demand, in housing it often has the opposite effect because new constructions typically increase the ceiling on the housing market, where all properties have a value that is tied to the ceiling.  

Many probably think a balance stimulus would be the worst thing for this country considering the inflation caused by this nation and this people’s response to covid.  With inflation as high as it is, I paid 2.29 for a bag of cheetos puffs that was $2 a year ago (almost 15% on this item), the idea of providing the bottom 50% with a lump sum may seem laughable.  Of course with the Covid stimulus over 90% of the country was given a little bit of money, and many people were paid to not produce anything.  When you have an increase in the supply of money without an increase in production you have inflation.  Difference with a balance stimulus is you’re providing a lump which will be used to increase production from the bottom up.  We’re also not giving 90% of people money, not paying people to stay home, and not providing huge sums of money to corporations who do not need it.  The best way to fight inflation is through production and rising incomes creating people capable of purchasing the goods and services that are produced.  That’s what a balance stimulus will accomplish, people starting businesses, or positioning themselves for better income which will be used to purchase the goods and services they will be producing. 

Instead the focus is on ensuring the profits of pharmacutical companies and covid related industries because American’s are still too stupid to understand the danger of virus that poses no greater risk to their health than the seaonal flu. 

 I heard an interview of presumably Anthony Fauci talking about booster shots, saying that it was about the “durability” of the vaccine.  I remember he used the word durability essentially stating it wasn’t just about longevity but durability.  Completely ridiculous.  How many of these shots can we sell?  If 150 million Americans have 1 or 2, we can sell them on a third even if we can’t reach the other 100 million.  There was another story I heard about testing kits.  Where the manufacturer of the testing kits was saying they were confident that the at home tests were as effective as tests performed by professionals so long as the user followed the instructions.  

Covid is responsible for nothing other than the deaths of those with compromised immune systems due to a severely advanced medical condition or those extremely advanced in age.  The rest is the response to it.   

11/24/2021

I’ve sent an email designed to have my material read.  I also know that this email may be interpreted as terroristic or threatening, and some of my material which is critical of how systems function could cause me to be perceived as someone who could carry out an act of domestic terrorism.  I would not.   

The email isn’t terrorist and doesn’t even qualify as threatening as I’ve already written, a threat has to contain the promise to commit a harmful act .  Although not my intention, a foreseeable consequence of this email is an overreaction where law enforcement considers me a high priority for detention and questioning.  Again, not my intention, but something that potentially serves my interests.

It is potentially interest serving if they reach out to the media for assistance and I am mislabeled a terror suspect.  In addition to the potential for defamation lawsuits, the primary interest it serves is the attraction of attention to my material and thrusting me into the public consciousness.  Even if the association is largely negative, it’s better to be thought of negatively than not at all because perceptions can be changed.  The longer I remain outside the grasp of law enforcement the more attention I and my material will receive in the event the email is misinterpreted.  

In anticipation of this foreseeable consequence I did some subtle diversion if I am pursued and decided to make myself unavailable for a few weeks.  I used my debit car in DFW before I left.  Then I used cash through Las Cruces.  My plan was to go to Gila National Forest because they have free campsites in secluded areas.  Instead of going directly to Gila National Forest I went to Walmart in Benson, AZ and used my debit card.  I also used my debit card at a vape shop in Benson.  This isn’t the Walmart described in the previous journal entry, that was in Las Cruces.  Also sent a few messages on POF in Tucson, AZ as I was near enough in Benson to get search results in Tucson.  In one message I stated I was going to stop in Tucson on my way to San Diego.  Even if somehow these messages are tracked, or if a person I sent the message to recognizes me through some law enforcement effort to find me I doubt anyone will believe I went to San Diego.  The point is I put myself in DFW, Benson, and Tucson which should concentrate law enforcement efforts west of where I’m at, if there is any interest in me because of the emails.  

In the previous entry I stated I would only send one email but if that email doesn’t reach anyone for whatever reason I thought 5 was a number where the repercussions would be manageable and it also creates 5 opportunities for the material to be read, and additional opportunities for the email to be misinterpreted and generate attention for my material.    

If it is a matter of trying to follow me from my last known whereabouts it is Benson, AZ.  Their best lead would be the vape shop but she doesn’t know anything, and Walmart isn’t going to reveal anything either.  They may think I was going to kill myself because I did buy rope and a bucket.  The rope was to mark a trail if I went on a hike off designated trails.  The bucket was purchased to exercise because I wasn’t about to spend $60 for 1 35lb weight.  Instead I’ll spend 3 dollars on the bucket and fill it with rocks.  

They may check the border patrol checkpoint presuming I came from New Mexico to Benson which I did.  That doesn’t do much good but give them a picture and be able to state definitively that I came from there.  With the description I provided on my webpage, in my last journal entry they may be able to figure out that I was in Las Cruces.  They may also presume that since I used cash in Las Cruces that I was returning to that area and going to Benson was diversionary.  Of course I’m not going to that area.  This theory could be reinforced depending on the observations of a law enforcement officer who was on the median on I10.  He was present on the 10 when I was traveling west bound and then about an hour or so later he was present when I was going back east bound.  The question is, did he see me going westbound and eastbound, or only westbound, and what does he remember?  Either way it doesn’t really provide any clues concerning my present location.  It can only reinforce theories one way or the other.  

Next we go to cell towers.  When I left the Walmart I took the 10 to 191.  I think it was 191.  I traveled north on 191 to 78 east.  I went through Apache National Forest and stopped at the Black Jack Campsite.  There was a couple camping there and I saw two cars pull in and one truck left in the morning.  The couple also left in the morning.  I had no cell service there and when I turn my phone on the weather still says Benson, AZ, which I presume is the area where I last had cell service.  

Since the couple left in the morning, they saw me and we exchanged words, so I decided to leave that camp site.  I passed the Coal Campsite and considered stopping there but didn’t want to turn around.  From 78 I took 180 north.  I stopped at a picnic area that had a map of Gila National Forest.  I still didn’t have cell service.  The map showed there was a camp site just north of the Ranger Station on 180, and then there were a series of campsites along 159.  Also on 159 it showed a ranger station that said it was occupied seasonally.  I presume this is not the season it is occupied.  

I drove past the campsite on 180, it was right outside of a town and visible from 180.  Not an ideal location to not be seen.  I proceeded to 159.  I have driven all over the place, including some pretty remote locations in northern California between the 5 and the 101.  I’ve never driven on a road as precarious as 159.  It is winding, no guard rails, and becomes increasingly narrower as you proceed up it.  I was hoping I didn’t see another vehicle coming in the opposite direction because there are points where it seems like there isn’t enough room, where an error results in your car literally falling off of a cliff.  On one spot there is a mirror so you can see if there is a car coming from the other side of this narrow road that turns about 90 degrees.  There was also rain and hail when I was driving up it which probably made it appear more dangerous than it actually is. 

It was initially discouraging because I saw two campsites but they were visible from the road and had very steep declines to reach.  I didn’t know if I’d be able to drive out of them, especially if the rain continued.  Eventually I found this turn off that looked like it led to campsites.  I pulled into it and parked.  Then I walked up the road and there were campsites.  I’m probably about ¼ mile from the main road and not visible from anywhere. I also never regained cell service.  

I was in Benson, AZ, and then I disappeared.  

None of this probably matters because even in this nerf style exaggerated danger climate we live in, I doubt they’ll become concerned enough because of a non-threatening email to pursue me to this degree, but I do recognize the possibility as an unintended consequence of the email.     

My goal  in mind for the email was to create just enough concern for my material to be  reviewed by people who could understand it, write about it, where I could respond, and recommend and have it reviewed by others.  

I’ll probably come down from this mountain two weeks from now and be in the same situation I was in prior to coming up here.  

The timing of the emails was poor.  I sent them on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, meaning they may not even be opened until Monday.   

11/22/2021

It is absolutely insane.  I arrived at Walmart in Las Cruces, and  for the first few minutes I was in the store everyone had a mask on.  Myself and literally a few others represented all of the people in and around the store who did not have masks on the whole time I was there.  I was not ready to see that.  It created a few awkward interactions.  I was angry and aghast with the near unaminonity, venting to myself that people were stupid, and slow.  It means no one in this entire area understands why they are doing what they are doing.  

It means none of those people are capable of basic risk comparison, and will do what people tell them to do without understanding why they’re doing it.  Even if there is excessive concern about the effectiveness or safety of vaccines, you still have a population whose idea of the danger of the virus is grossly exaggerated.  Here’s why.  

I’m not going to go over the numbers they are available in the covid 19 media project introduction (The introduction is free on the product page) but I will restate the conclusion.  That covid-19 kills only the weakest segments of the population, where the likelihood of dying of covid 19, is about the same as your chances of dying of natural causes in the next 12 months.  Not those with underlying medical conditions, not those who are obese or have high blood pressure not coupled with serious conditions, the extremely sick, and the extremely elderly.  Essentially the same people who would die if infected with the flu are at risk of death if infected with covid 19.  If you didn’t take these precautions against the flu during flu season, (and I’ve been around the public during those months prior to covid and people did not) then you have no reason to take these precautions against covid 19.  The fact that you don’t know this is evidenced by wearing the mask.  If you’re willing to change your behavior about one thing you don’t understand, how many other things do you do the same for?  

I was a little off surrounded by all these mask wearers.  I was also a little high and trying to figure shit out on the fly which probably didn’t help.  A Walmart associate unlocked a case and retrieved some items for me.  I think she told me to have a good day, and I said thank you, or I expected her to say have a nice day and said thank you, and then I said yes Ma’am.  It was a strange moment, felt stupid about it. (subtle loss in self for being off in a social interaction)  I was venting to myself about the masks as two associates walked past me.  Shortly after this I was commenting to myself about the items I was considering purchasing.  A store associate asked me if everything was alright.  I didn’t really get it at first because my first thought is wtf do you mean?  I didn’t respond the first time he asked.  He asked again and I said I’m good and he said let him know if I needed anything.  I was probably showing my unease with the whole situation.  Other than this it may be strange for some people to see someone reasoning with themself out loud.  

There was an interesting moment when I left the store where I revealed an important element of my and moral behavior.  I had a cart full of items and there was a line at check out.  A man entered the line behind me with a box of cat food.  I think it was cat food. He commented to someone that he had to get food for the kitties.  I asked him if he wanted to go in front of me.  He was hesitant and I told him I would rather wait a little bit to avoid you having to wait a long time, and he thanked me and took the spot in front of me.  

I would experience a negative feeling subtly, not deep because it isn’t an obligation but a subtle negative feeling for feeling like I imposed on his time.  I ask him to go ahead of me not exclusively to avoid the subtle negative feeling, which is the pursuit of a positive feeling, but also for the subtle positive feeling in having prevented imposition.  

There was another positive interaction at the check out.  Just a normal interaction in that setting which was positive because it seemed so fucking weird in that store.  LOL.  The woman seemed concerned about wasting the bags I pulled off that I was unable to open, and asked me if I’d take the bags, which I did.  Can never really have enough walmart bags.  They’re garbage bags when you’re living in a car living.  She also agreed with me when I told her I didn’t want an item because it cost significantly more than  I thought it did.  $50 and it was listed at 8.99.  She seemed to agree that it seemed like a high price for that item.  It was a thick yoga mat that was placed above a price that read 8.99.  

While I was in the car going through the radio stations I heard a report that there was no anger coming from the Biden Administration over what happened in Waukesha.  I googled  Waukesha and a report read that a man after a domestic violence incident ran his car into a Christmas parade killing 5 and injuring nearly 50 people.  This is how events are presented to people, what did the people you like say about the people you didn’t like, or what did the people you like say.  BIden showed compassion for the victims if the people you like like Biden are telling you about this “tragedy”, or BIden didn’t show enough anger and indignation for the atrocity committed by the perpetrator if you like the Let’s Go Brandon people.  While that is funny, what isn’t funny is that’s about the extent of people’s political understanding.  

Neither position is relevant.  Obviously no one wants to be ran over by a person while they’re with their family at an event that is supposed to be fun for children.  What caused this?  Without knowing any of the details, only knowing what the man did and what he did preceding this act we can know what motivates such an act.  

Love in this country and the world over has been beaten like a drum into the minds of people on this planet since they were born.  Love is a substitute for liberty.  An example every woman can probably relate to who has ever had a man locked up is jail talk.  When a man is locked up he genuinely wants the things he says he wants in that moment because his circumstances are so restrictive and he finds solace in those ideas when he is faced with those circumstances.  When he is released and regains his freedom, he can’t remain true to any of the shit he said.  If he becomes locked back up again he suddenly wants all those things and is going to be all those things he said he was the last time.  

Beyond love being a substitute for liberty, and I’m talking about romantic love, (although other forms as well) people are brought up to believe that their first priority in life is finding their soulmate, or the one, or whatever you call a lifelong committed romantic partner.  These ideas are brought to them through tv shows, movies, music, the images projected by people in life, as well as many other sources.  As a result, people have an inflated value of these partnerships.  When a person’s ideas about their life and happiness rely too heavily on their relationship, if it appears to be ending it drags the rest of this person’s life down with it, because this relationship is the foundation of all their other objectives.  Therefore during consequence processing it doesn’t matter if the consequence is probable, and if the severity is the greatest, they have no anchoring objectives in the moment where the consequence will obstruct that objective and prevent them from proceeding.  As I’ve explained in the decision making process in Assignment, Sequencing, and Comparison, in the decision making process, if the probability of a consequence is high, and the severity is high, the decision is between the value of the immediate objective, and the value of the anchoring objectives the immediate objective has a consequence for.  In these situations where the failure of that relationship means the failure of all other anchoring objectives, the value of the immediate objective is higher than anchoring objectives because the anchoring objectives cease to have value because they’re based on maintaining that relationship as they want it to be.  Or at least maintaining that relationship with the possibility of it becoming what they want it to be.    

This applies to this particular incident and domestic violence in general.  This idea is supported by the danger police officers face in responding to domestic violence calls.  Donut Operator, who is a former police officer and presents stories on crime often comments that domestic violence cases are some of the most dangerous calls for officers to go on.  He often says this because there is a lot of use of force analysis that occurs during domestic violence calls.  This doesn’t apply to mass shootings or mass killings in general which vary in cause.

Whether or not it is applicable to this situation I’m not completely sure, but as mentioned love is often a substitute for liberty.  Where even if the anchoring objectives of this individual are not directly tied to the relationship, where the other party’s presence is necessary for the obtainment of anchoring objectives, those objectives may be tied to the stability of the relationship, financial dependency.  Or the individual may not have anchoring objectives outside the relationship because he doesn’t have the means to pursue things of greater importance than the relationship.  Unfortunately I don’t have time to look up the details of this event.     

A few days prior to this I read there was a professor who wrote a book coining the term Minor Attracted Person, and responses that appeared he was trying to normalize or promote the label and people who acted on such attraction.  I haven’t read the book so I could be wrong.  I’m going off of his statement that I either read or heard in the report.  He’s not trying to normalize the behavior by creating the label, where next week it’s going to be LGBTQM, and the behavior is promoted.  He’s merely trying to get people to talk about it so he can better understand these people, because in understanding these people, it allows himself and others to figure out how the value of the acts, and the behavior itself can be stopped or reversed. 

This is a shortcoming of psychological methods.  Their approach to study thoughts, feelings, and behavior begin with categorization, and then there will be MAPs and subcategories of the MAPs.  Within these subcategories there may be MAPS who have never acted on their attraction and those who have.  In categorizing the habits and explanations they will try to instill the value from the one group into the other to rehabilitate the MAPs that have acted on their attraction.  Within these groups there will be a lot of crossover.  Other tactics and strategies will be developed to create behavior modification programs for the acting MAPs.  Sometimes the tactics will be effective and other times they won’t.  The problem with this approach is the problem is never really addressed in most cases.  If behavior modification works it works primarily off of faith in accepting something as true, and so long as that explanation doesn’t conflict with other things important to them that they believe are true, it can be true to the person but not actually true.  The root causes of them acting on their attraction, or even the attraction itself is never fully understood because despite similar values between other MAP people, the actual explanation is very different on a person to person basis.  

The point is, this guy has been suspended from his position at the university and subjected to tweets and other public attacks for trying to do something that is good.  At least according to his statement and what I believe he is trying to do, there could be things in his book that suggest other things, but I doubt it.  It makes more sense for the media to present the story from the perspective of those who misrepresent it, because it attracts a lot more attention to suggest that there’s a professor trying to normalize pedophillia, than it does that there’s a professor who is conducting research to better understand it.  I could be wrong, I’m going off of very little information. 

Tomorrow is the beginning of a potentially big day.  I leave people with this journal entry because it may be some time before I return to post.  It’s potentially a big day since it will take some time before I know what if anything has happened, and before others know what has taken place. 

11/12/2021

This is the end.  Hopefully this end is a new beginning.  I’m not going to be able to reach people through the tactics I’m presently employing.  It isn’t difficult to understand my material if there is sufficient interest and attention, but I don’t believe I can generate that attention as some random person coming from the circumstances I come from, especially since no matter what your perspective is I’m challenging many of people’s basic assumptions about the world.  Many people are so limited in what they can grasp because they hold so many contradictory ideas that they’ve lost the ability to understand when something is, and then connect other things that are true from that point.  Many people are unable to distinguish fact from opinion, where even words have become the slave of peoples opinion, and this is a product of opinions becoming fact based on the popularity of the opinion.  People are not concerned with the subjects, they’re concerned with the subject appearing a certain way that reinforces their perception, for what that perception means to the joy they get out of life.  

No one wants to hear the truth, and I also identify the functions that produce this behavior, and no one is interested in hearing that either.  It’s kind of like I’m calling you an asshole, you don’t want to hear that, and then you definitely don’t want me to tell you not just why you’re an asshole, but how you’re an asshole.  That’s what it feels like for people when they discover their deity isn’t real, this nation was not founded with good intentions, that US foregn policy has been the most destructive force on this planet since the end of WWII, and was just as ambitious with less capability prior to WWII, or when I show you that a police shooting was justified based on the points of action and law, or that race, gender, and sexuality is not a source of disadvantage, that gun control does not prevent people from who want to kill other people from doing so, that no person should ever have to submit to the authority of another person because they lack the means to resist force or the threat of force, that immigration is not a problem one way or the other because ICE and CBP are keeping the amount of illegal immigrants from the southern border below 12 million, and a population of illegal immigrants below 12 million has proven not to negatively impact the opportunities of Americans, to provide a few examples. 

I think about the balance stimulus, and how I believe most of the top 50% would be against it not because they think it’s a bad idea, but because an empowered bottom 50% doesn’t give them much to feel comparatively proud about.  Many would rather continue to waste money on government programs and nonprofits that do not create meaningful opportunities so they can maintain a large enough group to look down on.  There will definitely be some of that.  

I smoked some weed so this isn’t as fluid as it otherwise would be.  

The point is, holding signs, hanging flyers, and handing out flyers talking to people who really don’t want to talk to you is not going to attract the attention I need and we need as fast it is needed.  

My second day in Oklahoma City I saw the Oklahoma University Press and thought about submitting my books to them. I reviewed the process and it takes a long time to get a response, and I’ve already been through it with journals and you wait weeks just to be given a generic rejection.  

What I decided to do was to email the editor and give him cause for concern that might cause him to be interested in reading my material.  The email begins: 

Imagine someone received an email from a person submitting work to a university publisher and the person who received the email didn’t review the email or the content submitted.  What would be the repercussions for the recipient if within the email or material there were red flags that the sender was potentially a threat to public safety, and the failure to review the material put the public in danger?  

I think it is more likely than not that he will probably contact the police.  He may read it and have others read it but I think he’ll probably delegate the reading of the material to the police who, based on that paragraph, will have to read it.  They’re not going to find anything in there that is threatening to public safety, but 1: at least someone will be reading it, and probably more than one person because there are going to be things one person doesn’t understand that they may pass onto others. 

The police will have nothing to arrest me for.  A threat is a promise to fulfill some harmful act and every statute I’ve seen on terrorist threats or even threats contains the words “to commit” in the qualification, meaning you have to say you’re going to do something to satisfy the legal definition of a threat. 

All I’ve done is asked a question.  Any email could contain threats to public safety, and I’m merely asking what the repercussions would be for a person who received such an email and material and failed to read it.  It’s the same as if I were selling those heart beat scanners that fearful people can use to see if someone is in their car, and I ask someone what would happen if someone was in their back seat the next time they got in their car?  Whether they choose to check the back seat before getting in or buying the product is up to them.  I haven’t stated any intention to do any harm to them or anyone else.  

The question is whether I’m pursued for sending the email or not.  I could imagine a situation where it becomes blown out of proportion and my whereabouts become important enough to the police to make some news. Then the longer I remain at large the more exposure I would receive.  Although I haven’t done anything, my material could create enough of a cause for concern that the police or perhaps other state or federal agencies may want to talk to me.  

On paper I’m a great candidate for domestic terrorist.  In application, I’m true to what I understand, and I understand it to be wrong to harm people unless required to prevent or neutralize imposition.  Collective imposition cannot be assigned to specific individuals, and harming the general population doesn’t neutralize collective imposition.  Secondly, it doesn’t advance any of my interests.  Without knowing me, the positions I take definitely create cause for concern but what distinguishes me from those who are terrorists is the depth and consistency of my positions.  So, maybe nothing happens but they choose to continue to ignore me.

If that’s the case then I’ll write more university press editors, until someone decides to read, understand, and support my material.  I’m starting with one because I need to see what the response is.  If I send out 100, and I am charged with something, even when I beat it, I may have to go and do this in multiple states and multiple counties.  Which is to say even though I’m not guilty of anything, now my time is occupied by going to multiple court dates. 

11/8/2021

I sat with a sign by a fairly busy exit to a shopping mall for about 6 hours total today. I had two brief rather insignificant conversations, one with a homeless woman who didn’t really understand what I was saying to her, and another with a man who pretended he was interested but probably wasn’t actually interested. He said he was for liberty and truth but then returned the flyer telling me he was going to check it out. Once it became dark I began taping flyers to bus stops pavilions in areas that were not designated for paid advertising.

So far the sign holding is a disappointment. It yielded about 20 hits which is better than 5 hits on 2 hours of handing out flyers in Fort Worth but it’s still only generating about 3 hits an hour if all the hits were even driven by the sign. The worst part isn’t necessarily that there were only 20 hits, what’s worse is there were no other page hits. This has been an issue for some time. I have tried using my solutions page, my platform page, as well as the liberty and truth summary page to begin the homepage and I’ve had the same result each time. I’ve had many days with double digit hits where there may be one hit on another page and that’s it.

It’s difficult because the content is so broad and substantive and people’s attention span and frame of reference for real shit is so limited. People are attracted to cliches and ideas that exist in perception but not in reality. The bigger issue is that the general public is extremely ignorant and tunneled into whatever bs they’ve been funneled into. People are in the constant pursuit of information that reinforces their perception, and their perception is built on bs. Anything with any substance will seem foreign. They’ll look at it, not understand what they’re reading, then proceed with their day and never return.

I also performed very poorly in attempting to run down liberty. As I mentioned I only had those two opportunities and I was derailed on the first attempt because the woman didn’t understand what I was talking about. Playing poker probably didn’t help either.

I think I’m going to put the liberty and truth summary back on the homepage and try that for a day. Then I’ll try an updated platform page. Then I’ll try the solutions page. Then I’ll try a very brief summary and see if this will encourage people to look at some of the books or other pages. I’d try the latter first but I don’t feel like writing it now. Today I went with the journal entry below for my homepage. I tried this because it’s a narrative I thought people would be able to follow and shows how liberty and truth begins with efforts to find where interests converge to create opportunities for income. If I were more stable I might try to execute the idea summarized in a journal entry. Unfortunately I don’t have that stability and even if I did, execution of the idea would consume all of my time and what I’m trying to accomplish is worth more than that one idea.

Home Page Journal Entry

I woke today intent on standing with the sign advertising my website to begin my week of promoting in Oklahoma City.  I went to 3 different Walmart locations before I decided upon a location.  I did give 1 homeless person 2 dollars and a small stack of flyers I asked him to give to people who give him money.  One Walmart location I left because there were already people there with signs.  Sure our purposes are different, but I feel like an area that is inundated with people flying signs to make money are less likely to even look in the direction of someone holding a sign much less read it.  

As I pulled off I was thinking of ways I could utilize the homeless population.  I thought about buying them shirts with my website and logo.  I’d already written this before but it spawned other thinking on the matter that morphed into a public income opportunity as well as an income opportunity for homeless people and the addressment of what some consider a public nuisance. 

 It began with an opportunity to help the homeless.  As I passed two seemingly homeless people I thought about the one’s holding the signs.  How if they are willing to hold signs for money they could definitely negotiate with local businesses to be paid for what they are already willing to do.  It would probably be more lucrative to hold a sign advertising for a business than it would be panhandling.  The businesses would have to be flexible with their schedule where a person checks in with the business, picks up their sign, and is paid when they end their shift and can end their shift whenever they want.  

In researching laws about posting signage I came across an article that Oklahoma City recently lost a million dollar lawsuit about an ordinance designed to keep people from panhandling on their medians.  While this idea will not solve homelessness, it can reduce or eliminate the presence of people panhandling on their medians.  You still have people with signs, but in one instance you have people with signs who are paid advertisers on sidewalks, and in the other you have people begging for money on your medians.  If people know homeless people can receive money for advertising holding signs on the sidewalk, then people stop giving homeless people money who stand on the medians and homeless people stop begging for money on the medians.     

This can be accomplished through the initiative of the homeless, the initiative of businesses, or the initiative of a third party.  A third party would contract with businesses and charge the business an hourly rate for their sign to be shown in public.  The most effective strategy would be block signs where non-competing companies are featured on the sign.  In this a businesses may be able to have their logo on a sign for  2 to 3$ an hour or less.  If the workers are paid $10 an hour, and it costs $5 an hour in facilitating the service for the third party to manage quality assurance and payroll, a sign that contains 10 logos only costs a business $1.50 an hour for their logo to be displayed publicly in a high traffic area.  Which compared to non-live advertising is probably extremely expensive but a person holding a sign is infinitely more attention grabbing.  

The third party will become associated with creating opportunities for homeless people and the business’ image will benefit from that association.  

This is what libertyandtruth.org is about.  Understanding how everyone’s interest can be served through the creation of opportunity, which makes people freer.  

Back to the Tee Shirt idea.  A similar third party could do the same thing with tee shirts.  This could be much less expensive than signing.  A third party contracts with businesses to pay people to wear a shirt with their logo.  Again, we can do blocks of advertising or charge a higher rate for a single advertiser.  Then the company advertises a rate to the public offering to pay them to wear their shirts.  I don’t have any idea what the rate would be, but even if it’s as low as $5 per day, there are a lot of people who could use an extra $35 a week and not have to worry about what shirt they’re going to wear.  I think it could and should be much higher than that, at least in the neighborhood of $10 per day and of course what a person is paid would vary based on their general exposure to the public.  A person who works selling concessions downtown would be more valuable for shirt marketing than a person who works at a factory that doesn’t have to wear a uniform and can wear the tee shirt.      

The far left would say this would turn people into billboards for evil corporations.  Many small businesses will also be able to afford the service, but I begin with the understanding that all human problems are a product of self deception and unequal opportunities for individuals to have money and time.  Human happinesses requires 1 of 2 foundations.  A: A person has a job that provides them with an income sufficient for accumulation, and  enough time and money to do as they please.  B: A person does something they enjoy doing and earns an income sufficient to meet their needs.  I’m thinking first about how to improve income opportunities because this is a root of human dissatisfaction, manifesting itself in drug dependency, crime, subscriptions to divisive and fictitious information, and other behavior that is not beneficial to our species.  The Balance Stimulus, Round Up Gratuity, Lowest Paid Employee Wage Disclosure Marketing, and Centers for Economic Planning are all efforts to address economic inequality, by increasing income opportunities, and providing people the means to be free.  The summary of these ideas can be found on the Solutions Summary page, and the comprehensive outlines are available in the book The American Prosperity Proposals.  

Do not reduce LibertyAndTruth.org to an organization that only seeks to improve income opportunities.  This is emphasized because it will have the greatest impact on individual liberty.  LibertyAndTruth.org is also interested in addressing popular misconceptions and advancing the understanding of liberty as the basis for morality; and motion as the basis for truth and subconscious processes.    

Please explore the website and please comment.  Truth offends because people’s internalized lies are the basis for their happiness.  In order for things to make people feel good it requires that their lies remain true in their minds.  I mention this human function of filtering information because if I write something that you don’t like or agree with, I want to see that comment.  Good, bad, or ugly, I want that dialogue.  I’m not currently accepting donations, but if you want to help out you can buy a book.  I retain most of the money from book sales, whereas the tee shirts and hats I only receive 10% of the proceeds and are more promotional than they are revenue generating.  

I don’t know how long I will be in OKC.  I planned on a week.  Off to a slow start today but I wanted to write down these few thoughts before I began.   

11/7/2021

Yesterday after leaving the gym there was a go puff spot that opened up and then another that opened up later in the day so I spent yesterday doing deliveries for 11 hours.  I cancelled the hours for Monday.  I had hours for 7 to 9am and then 11pm to 3am.  I can’t imagine the early hours are very busy and even the late hours on a Monday probably are not very busy and it will affect my sleep schedule. 

I’m beginning in Oklahoma City.  The plan is I will create a 6 day schedule and sleep in my car and then spend the 7th day in a hotel planning my next week.  I’m going to diversify my promotional campaign.  I’m going to spend a few days a week holding a sign to advertise my site on freeway off-ramps.  Then I’m going to ask people if they have a minute to let me tell them about the website, and I’ll begin with basic components of liberty as the basis and go into solutions.  The difficult part of this approach is finding people who will give me a few minutes of their time.  People in public spaces are typically trying to fulfill their purpose for being in public and getting on with their day.  I may see if I can get a permit and go door to door.  Otherwise bus stops may be a place of interest since people are already waiting.  Bus stops may be of interest for other purposes like hanging flyers.    

Yesterday I did have an interesting exchange on the subject of vengeance and justice which is below. The video was about a man who killed her daughters boyfriend because he alledgedly sold her into a sex slavery situation. It flashed back to the 1984 case where a man kidnapped and molested someone’s son and the father killed him. The account of the father who killed the boyfriend is dubious, which is to say I’m skeptical as to whether or not the boyfriend sold her into the lifestyle as the father claims. Below is my comment, a response, and my response to the responder. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mxcPISPkrA&lc=UgwJ6WoleuT__q0bxjN4AaABAg.9UOTCUtyp-R9UOc05PbTzx)

Orion Simerl

There are few things more beautiful than a well deserved act of vengeance.

J N

Vengeance is Justice’s older brother with anger issues.

Orion Simerl

Vengeance is fractional justice because an injured party experiences positive feelings in knowing that someone who has harmed them has been harmed; which subtly contributes to restoration, or making the injured party whole. Sometimes vengeance is the greatest justice. Justice is the righting of a wrong and when there is injury, justice as mentioned is making the injured party whole, restoring the party to where they were prior to that injury taking place. 

In the example of the pedophile shot by the father, is there anything that could make the child feel better than the perpetrator paying for the act with his life? More importantly, is there anyone who would make the child feel happier about having done this than his father? The same for the injury of the father where nothing is more restorative than for him to kill the person who harmed his child.  I don’t want to beat this horse to death as I’ve made it in other places, but I have 0 sympathy for adults who harm children unprovoked.  The reason being is the act reveals a deeper corruption of their values and decision making process.  The act reveals that the anticipated personal gratification is greater than the feelings the individual experiences in an anticipation of having harmed a child.  If you have no other moral prohibitors, the idea of a child being harm should prohibit the individual from proceeding with the act.  

I’m not so sure of the other case just based on my experience with people in that lifestyle (criminality/drugs). If it happend as described and the boyfriend sold his daughter to a sex trafficking outfit against her will then maybe he is justified, but that often isn’t how shit goes down. Boyfriend\girlfriend are drug addicts and when times get tough if the dope man likes the chic she might start fucking the dopeman. She might become one of the dopeman’s chics, he might start pimping her, and she stays content because she has drugs, security, and might like having sex for money. I’m not saying that is what happend, but it’s more likely than the boyfriend brought her somewhere, was given money, and then the woman couldn’t leave and was forced to do drugs and have sex with people.

Here we go.  I’m not sure how long I will spend in OKC.  There is decent weather for the next 10 days, so I may spend up to two weeks there depending on developments. 

11/5/2021

I never knew that Walmart wifi reached the parking lot until yesterday night. Half the reason I eat fast food once a day is usually because I need to use the wifi. I picked up the flyers on Tuesday. They look better than I anticipated. One side is the american flag painted on a wall and over it is the substance of the flyer consisting of 4 points of general emphasis. I turned up the transparency on the picture so the text would be easier to read. I was worried that I turned the transparency up too much and the wall with the flag wouldn’t look good, or that I didn’t turn it down enough and the text would be difficult to read. The wall with the flag is visible but the words are easy to read. I probably could have turned the transparency down some but it came out good nonetheless.

The other side of the flyer and I’ll post the pictures below is the name of the website libertyandtruth.org a picture of the flag with the sun shining down and the phrase truth over everything and liberty is true. 

The intended symbolism is to recognize the writing on the wall, with the wall being popular misconceptions, and in doing so we create a nation where the United States lives up to its ideals, of liberty and justice for all. The ideals are good but the ideals are not governing principles in the creation of policy. While the American flag is a symbol of tyranny based on historical foreign and domestic policy, it is also a symbol that represents the people within its borders. According to history it is a negative symbol, but since it is still representative of us, it’s up to us to reverse that course and have it represent the things that so many people have been indoctrinated to believe it represents.

I also understand that no one is going to see the symbolism, and had I not created it I probably wouldn’t see it either so it isn’t a knock on anyone for missing it. I know that displaying the flag is going to be inviting to some and create prejudice in others.  My content is offensive to all.  

Yesterday I distributed less than 10 flyers for about 10 minutes and decided I wanted to rethink my approach primarily due to the discomfort associated with distributing them in a place I knew I wasn’t supposed to be distributing them.  I was at a Walmart in Rockwell on my way back to Arlington.  Instead of trying a new place, I drowned myself in thoughts about the futility of the effort, played poker very poorly, and then sank into a deep depression for the remainder of the day knowing I didn’t do what I was supposed to be doing.  I have a journal entry from that day I’m not going to post because it is dark and colored by those feelings of failure.  

Today I was going to distribute flyers whether or not the effort would be effective because I didn’t want to endure the feelings of failure I endured the previous day.  I went to the gym, got something to eat, and then I went to a Walmart and began distributing flyers.  This only lasted for about 10 minutes before someone told on me.  A worker came out and asked me if I had the permission of the manager.  I told her no and she told me I could go to customer service to ask for a manager to get permission.  

I went to customer service but the line was long.  If I believed it was realistic or there was at least a 50/50 probability that I would be given permission I would have waited, but it seems unlikely.  The manager is not going to give me permission to promote a political social justice message because it may be offensive to some of the customers.  There’s no benefit for Walmart in allowing me to piggyback the traffic they’re creating.  I walked out past the woman who told me I needed permission and she asked me if I was given permission.  I joked “yeah he said it was cool”.  LOL.  She asked who I talked to and I told her I was only joking, that the line was too long and I was going to go to a different location.  Then I asked her if I could leave her with a flyer and she declined.  Probably offended by the American  flag side of the flyer.  She harms her own interest in that round up gratuity is a program that would increase her hourly pay by about 3 to 5 dollars per hour if not more depending on whether she is full or part time.  If I explained round up gratuity to the manager there is a chance that they would give me permission but it still isn’t likely.  

Caddy corner from the Walmart I saw a strip mall.  I went to the strip mall because If I’m walking back and forth distributing in front of different stores it’s less likely that I’ll be asked to leave since I’m not camping out on one store’s property.  There wasn’t a lot of traffic except outside of the Albertsons.  I also thought I may attract negative attention if stores see me walking back and forth in front of their stores.  By negative it seems possible that someone would call the police to investigate a man who is walking back and  forth in front of the stores.  I stopped outside of Albertson’s and I was allowed to distribute uninterrupted for over an hour.  There were several employees who watched me distribute flyers and didn’t seem concerned with it.  

I may have distributed somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 flyers during that period and had a few worthwhile interactions.  There was a woman who accepted a flyer whose car stopped running.  She thought the battery cable may have been loose and asked if I would check it.  It took me a minute to figure out her hood popping mechanism.  After I opened the hood I twisted the cable which restored power and she was able to start the car.  Actually it was probably an early 2000s suv, suburban or tahoe.  Her connection wasn’t loose, the bolt on the terminal was tight.  It appeared she had a short in the positive cable.  I told her she needed to get a new positive cable.  I forgot how those are set up, if the cables are singular or if they’re tethered.  I should have directed her to youtube but I told her the basic elements, that the terminal connects to the alternator and she may have to remove the alternator which is 3 bolts.  I may be mistaken but I think there’s just a wire harness and then the connection to alternator.  IDK, I should have referred her to youtube but until she fixes it or has it fixed at least she knows that if she loses power all she needs to do is lift up on the cable. 

I also had a conversation with a preacher and I had to address his bullshit, but did so respectfully and we both were willing to listen to what the other had to say.  I didn’t complete the whole contradiction or Christian hypocrisy.  I began the summary but was interrupted because he didn’t know there was another point to it.  The Christian hypocrisy is that according to christianity god commands that you love your neighbor as you love yourself.  The christian deity gives two options to people, to agree to be his servants and believe in him, or to face eternal hell.  These are options the creator would not want to have for himself, to be the servant of another being or to face eternal hell.  Which means the christian deity does not love others as he loves himself but tells others to do so, which is hypocrisy.  Fitting in that Jesus calls people hypocrites in the gospels and then says you’ll be judged by the same measure that you judge others.  LOL.   

The christian conception of heaven is actually hell because all beings want to do what they want to do and the christian conception of heaven is eternal servitude to another being.  I didn’t get to finish the lecture but I did get to explain that all people want to do what they want to do at all times, so action that imposes on others is wrong, and action that does not impose (or removes or prevents imposition) is right.  He asked if it was his turn and grabbed his book.  I interrupted him, telling him he was going to quote something from the bible without acknowledging what I said.  He told me he wasn’t going to do that.  Then he said (maybe not an exact quote but is the exact sentiment) O man, god has led you to knowledge of what is right.  Then he summarized the interaction and said I have respected you and you have respected me and we parted company on good terms.  He left me a piece of paper.

I did not make good use of the opportunities for interaction I had.  Everytime someone asked me what it is I”m promoting I provided generic answers but later I realized that anytime someone asks me this I can provide a short explanation of liberty beginning with the human constant, and include circumstantial trapping.  I’ll do better on this in the future.  

There was an elderly lady who moved extremely slowly.  I wanted to help her put her groceries in the car since it would have been much easier for me than it is for her but I also didn’t want to take that away from her.  As old as she is, she may appreciate the help or she may not.  She probably has a certain amount of pride in still being able to drive herself to the grocery store, pick out her items, and load them into the car.  At that age and in her physical state things like that are accomplishments, and the physical activity so long as it doesn’t result in injury is probably also good for her.    

There was a man who left the store with just a redbull and later reentered after I gave him a flyer.  When he returned to the store I thought he was going back to tell on me but it turns out he had more shopping to do and maybe bought the red bull for someone waiting for him and then went back in to do his shopping.  As he left the store he said you’re going to help me get some money?  I said maybe, hopefully.  The truth is I cannot get him money.  Sure if he qualifies for the balance stimulus maybe or hopefully I could be the catalyst for getting him some money but the truth is, “liberators do not exist, the people must liberate themselves.”  By this I mean the only way he can get some money through one or more of my ideas is if people learn about these ideas and we demand that these ideas are carried forward by congress.  We can get him money, I cannot get him money.  

I made another error in conversation being asked by a person if this was a republican group.  I should have told him this group doesn’t recognize either party as representing the interest of disadvantaged people in this country but republicans are the lesser of two evils.  Republicans are the lesser of two evils because they’re not promoting baseless divisions among the population by asserting that race, gender, and sexuality is a source of disadvantage.  They’re not wasting money on programs that do not significantly improve people’s opportunities and quality of life to politically grandstand.  The republicans, the same as the democrats, serve the interests of industry and the deception they use is less harmful as it is rooted in nationalism and religion.  Which is still harmful but less than asserting race, gender, and sexuality as a source of disadvantage and they don’t want to invent issues to avoid fixing class based issues.  Other than taxes and what the democrats are trying to do the republicans think America is pretty great because it’s great for them and fuck everyone else.    

I told him the organization is more to the center which is accurate but implies other things to conservatives or even moderate republicans.  The positions I take are the positions that are consistent with liberty, where individual liberty is greatest, the greatest net liberty.  

I’m essentially flyering to find needles in haystacks.  Where some rare people go to the website, understand the home page and then become interested in the content.  I don’t know what that number is.  I could be 1 out 100, 1 out of 1000, 1 out of 10,000, or maybe some ratio that exceeds even that.  Even if it is 1 out of 10,000, given my efforts to this point, where over a 7 year period I’ve failed to attract the serious interest of even 1 person, if it is 1 out of 10,000, spending $500 on flyers and what appears to be an investment of a great deal of time maybe the effort is worth it.  Of course it’s a very inefficient approach.  

I have a stunt in mind I hope I don’t have to resort to but after distributing these flyers I may need to attempt it.  It doesn’t endanger anyone’s safety.  Possibly my own depending on how I proceed with it if we get to that place and hopefully we won’t.  

I was just driving back from a go puff delivery and I saw people standing on the street corner with something in their hands.  Seemed like they were promoting something and it gave me the idea to maybe make a sign and stand on a busy street corner.  Not asking for money, just want to give you a flyer, libertyandtruth.org.  This could be a very effective marketing strategy since I get website promotion through the sign itself and since it is in a public space it should be protected free speech.

10/26/2021

It has been a long four days after finding out my  flyers would not be finished and the passing weekend where I could reorder. I wasn’t able to make a decision about doing anything until yesterday and so it took an extra day of deliberation. Today I wrote out my options.

Option One: Rent a room and order bargain brand flyers online.

Option Two: Rent a UPS mailbox and order bargain brand flyers online.

Option Two Option One rent a UPS box in Greenville and continue circling these rest areas in Cumby until the flyers arrive.

Option Two Option Two rent a UPS mailbox in DFW where I would have an opportunity to find work while I wait and would be able to use my gym membership to work out and shower.

Option Three: Pay more and place an order with a local printer.

I decided to pay more to have my flyers ordered and be at a location at a certain date.

I don’t have a great degree of confidence in these online printers after this first experience. Now the question is where I will wait because I’m still going to have a week before I can pick them up. I chose a printer outside of Texas. It’s difficult to justify going there in advance since I’m going there to pick up the flyers, will probably do some distribution, and then I’ll be on to another destination. It makes more sense to return to DFW, use my gym membership for exercise and shower, and maybe find some work while I’m waiting. The issue was it was very hot at night and It’s also more difficult to sleep in a parking lot than it is at the rest area. However, it’s cooling off the rest of the week so the only issue is finding a place to sleep. The nearest rest area to the gym is 75 miles. That’s conservatively 2.5 gallons each way, probably closer to 3 considering traffic getting in and out of the DFW area. Meaning it costs me about $17 and 150 miles on my car to sleep at the nearest rest area if I go to the gym every day.

Part of me thinks I should have waited for my original order to be done but the woman told me they were 2 weeks behind, meaning I’ll still receive this order before I would have received that order. Not to mention I would have been bound by that delay, where everyday I’m calling about the order and being strung along, it creates stress and uncertainty that negatively impacts my mood but also becomes a distraction to other things. Do not print with printplace, you don’t want that problem. I went with a company whose name in English is Printing Printing. LOL Imprenta Printing. 

There was a period where I couldn’t reach my sales rep shortly after he told me he was going to confirm and get back to me. I began reaching out to another company that was even more expensive who I was going to try to encourage to give me a better price through the prospect of repeat business, a first time customer incentive discount. Imprenta gave me a discount which is really why I went with them. Their price came in just under the upper limit of what I was willing to pay. I was hoping for a 15% discount which would have brought the other company’s price to right around that same place.

10/23/2021  

Some cunt came to the rest area before 7am and pulled up next to me playing his radio.  It wasn’t extremely loud but loud enough where I couldn’t fall back asleep.  I was very pissed off but I didn’t have any recourse.  People can listen to their radios at rest areas.  I went to sleep kind of late last night.  I didn’t fall asleep until about 1am.  I slept poorly the previous night at Walmart, and the night before that at another Walmart.  I’ve been pretty tired all day and didn’t accomplish much.  Spent most of the day playing low stakes poker not very well.  

I did finish an article about a few pieces of case law that people should know concerning police authority.  When I finish this entry I’m going to begin excerpting old journal material and posting it to this section.  I might take a walk first.  The westbound rest area in Cumby, Texas is probably my favorite rest area, which means something coming from a guy who has spent many nights at many rest areas in many places across the country.  It’s clean, has charging ports and wifi in one of the two buildings that has restrooms, it has clean shaded picnic areas, and a giant track that is about 500 steps around.  

I saw an article today that was completely absurd.  I mean I see and hear a lot of (occasional talk radio) a lot of things that are absurd but this was so petty and disgusting.  A teacher in (where else) California was suspended for donning a native american headdress and imitating a stereotypical native song voice to help her students remember a word that represents a function in trigonometry.  Is it part of native American culture to wear what she was wearing and sing in that voice?  Are native people proud of their culture?  If so, what is the problem with a teacher imitating it to help children understand math?  How can you be offended by someone imitating your culture?  And so the fuck what if you are offended.  I was offended when I was woken up by shitty music this morning, that doesn’t mean this man doesn’t have a right to listen to his shitty music.  I’m sorry some indiginous people are ashamed of their culture so they don’t want people imitating it for purposes that benefit children.  Even if you’re not proud of your culture, the best way to overcome and accept that and move on is to see the humor in it.  We’re probably not talking about offending indiginous people, we’re probably talking about ignorant white liberals who fill the voids in their life by attempting to take on what they perceive to be offensive to others.      

This is a big part of liberty, understanding that offense that does not impose is subjective.  A great majority of indigenous people who hear about this story probably would not be offended.  In fact there are probably many more brainwashed white people offended over the news than indigenous people.  The moral basis for free speech is the same thing can be said to different people and one person experiences offense and another doesn’t, meaning the words do not impose or in this case the act does not impose and the interpretation is responsible for feeling.  Liberty is self contained, in that something subjective that is asserted as morally wrong is wrong because the act does not impose.  Those who suspended this teacher (or possibly fired this teacher I don’t remember which it was) are morally wrong for doing that, because they’ve imposed on her for an act that is unimposing. 

People live in these myths.  The progressives are indoctrinated into myths concerning disadvantage based on race, sexuality, and gender, where all things are interpreted or more accurately misinterpreted to claim this is what’s wrong with the world.  They have other misconceptions as well but that’s their core, to shift the focus of disadvantage from financial disadvantage which is the source of all disadvantage regarless of race, sexuality, or sex, onto these groups and subgroups.  These superficial differences that are not inherently a source of disadvantage as it relates to liberty and opportunity is the greatest divider of the underclasses that keeps poor, impoverished, and struggling people from achieving class goals.  Which is why it is the platform of one of the two business parties because it serves the interest of those who the policy makers act on behalf of.  

The other half of politically interested people are christian nationalists, who are indoctrinated into lies about the founding intentions of this country, how this country functions, and the general intentions on which this country has acted and acts.  They’re also indoctrinated into christianity but the few positive things promoted from that superstition are squashed by that nationalism.  I say positive things in regard to recognizing that systems produce circumstances and unequal opportunities need to be addressed in order for people to be free and to rid ourselves or at least achieve progress towards ridding ourselves of the problems that unequal opportunities for time and money present.  

And almost as big as both groups are those who are indifferent to what’s going on around them altogether, although the democrats have been effective in recent years in capitalizing enough on the ignorance of the indifferent through sloganism, that many ignorant and indifferent people have attached themselves to a few opinions about things they know nothing about, and are not really interested in knowing anything about.  

This is part of what I mean by people who are full of shit, and from top to bottom means from the garbage man to the professor whose studies are a reflection of his biases and whose ignorance is a product of very limited life experiences.  People who will talk about drug use in the country and have never used drugs, sold drugs, or intimately known anyone with drug dependencies.  Talk about crime but have never committed a crime, known criminals, or been engaged in that lifestyle or those within that lifestyle.  Will talk about violence, gang violence, and haven’t been involved in violence, associated with gang members, or known the feelings that motivate one to commit a violent act.  Talk about poor people and poverty yet have never been poor, do not intimately associate with poor people as one from the same socioeconomic standing, and have not personally observed the causes and impediments.  People who look at data but don’t have the life experience to really know what they’re seeing and why they’re seeing it.  Just a few examples.  I’ve written a lot with some specific examples about this that no one reads.  

I need to take my airbox apart tomorrow.  I think the 7th generation Malibu does not have a pcv valve, they have some weird system that releases oil through a tube into the air intake when this small hole in the intake manifold becomes clogged.  This results in oil going into the air intake system and I think I’m at that point.  I need to take the air intake manifold off and try to clean up that hole which I may do tomorrow. I just don’t know if there is a gasket.  If there is a gasket you probably have to replace the gasket if you pull the manifold off.  There shouldn’t be a gasket because it’s just air but there might be.  At least I’m going to clean out the hose and clean the throttle body.  If this car goes I’m going to be very fucked.  

Had a pof chic holler at me today and I intended to meet her for a drink this evening.  That shit would be revitalizing.  Unfortunately after I told her to hit me up after she got off work this evening she asked where I was.  I told her thinking she was nearby but I didn’t recognize the city she was in.  When I google mapped the city she was 4 hours away.  If she was more sexually expressive I probably would have made the trip.  I mean I’m confident that she would have gotten down after a few drinks and become comfortable with my company but that’s a long distance to travel without a little more certainty.  

Took that walk and thought about two things I wanted to add here, but I can only remember one at the moment.  We’ll see if it returns to me after I finish the first.  

The first is what do I expect to accomplish in the near future.  I don’t have general expectations.  I obviously have expectations on specific things, like those flyers being printed on the day the company said they were going to be printed was a great expectation, and has resulted in proportionate disappointment.  I don’t go without expectations to avoid disappointment, I’m without expectations because I’m more concerned with results.  By that I don’t mean results as in how effective I have been, I mean I’m more concerned with seeing what happens and adapting according to what is and is not effective, as opposed to expecting that some result will be produced and being disappointed if it does not.  

What do I hope for?  Well, I hope that handing out these flyers will produce interest in my material and possibly some products which will provide me with the means to begin seriously organizing somewhere.  I obviously hope some people will learn the material and become enthusiastic about what it seeks to promote and accomplish.  I hope the material receives attention and becomes a source of controversy and interest, where I have opportunities to address people’s objections.  

I was just distracted.  I had one hit on the Covid-19 Product Page and I don’t think it was me.  I thought about the description, and the description essentially shares the latest data and shows why the danger of covid-19 has been exaggerated.  I also point out that the quantifiable portion of the population at risk for death is insufficient to constitute a threat to public safety.  That’s even if we take the roughly 20% of the population that has serious underlying medical conditions that actually increase their risk for death and apply the mortality rate of about 6.5% of people who have serious underlying medical conditions.  

6.5% of 20 is only 1.3% of the population, which represents less than 4 million people, most of which are represented in the 1.75 million who die of natural causes each year which is about .5% of the population.  A virus that cannot kill over 98.5% of the population cannot be considered a threat to public safety used to take away the rights of citizens in protection from it.  The 6.5% and the 1.75 million are numbers cited in the book.  

I’m not re-stating this just to restate it, there is a new development I wanted to record.  Really just a thought but it wouldn’t be understood without providing this brief summary of the description which is available on the Covid 19 Media Project page for free.  The precedent for using public safety in protection from an infectious disease was a man who refused a smallpox vaccine and was disputing a fine.  The difference between smallpox and covid is like the difference between a dark room and a bright light.  

Smallpox had a near 30% mortality rate, was randomly deadly in that it could kill anyone, and it left survivors permanently scarred and impaired sometimes causing permanent blindness.  Covid-19 kills only “the weakest segments of the population”, primarily those who are in the last year of their life, and quantifiably is not a threat of permanent harm to about 99% of the population.  

The new thought on the matter is this: Imposition on the rights of citizens in the name of public safety has always applied to situations like war, or natural disaster, where the public represented at least a majority of the population but typically situations where the entire population faced a serious threat to life.  Like smallpox, where although the maximum death toll would be 30%, 100% of the public could be part of that 30%, not like covid where it isn’t 30%, but about 1%, and only a few percent of the population could be part of that 1%.  Meaning 90 some percent of the population is not in danger. It’s just really insane.  While at least in most places restrictions are no longer an issue, vaccine mandates are still a source of controversy.   Leads into that second thing I wanted to write about.  

I interprete the world through the observation of motion.  Others interpret the world through impressions, where they see things that cause them to feel a certain way, and draw all kinds of conclusions based on the feeling and what thing is associated with that feeling.  For example, dramatic covid impressions, and without any observational context to put these things into cause people to draw conclusions based on how what they saw makes them feel.  A report makes them feel scared, or feel sad, and with those feelings come the conclusions that something is dangerous without ever knowing if it is true or not.  Danger is relative to other danger in terms of how we manage the risk.  This doesn’t apply exclusively to covid, but in general.  Also isn’t exclusively a left wing phenomenon either as some on the right who also do it may like to assert.

10/22/2021

I haven’t gone through my older journal material yet.  It helps in the moment to write but looking back on it it doesn’t seem helpful.  The recurring struggles seemingly have been and may be for nothing.  When I say it doesn’t seem helpful I mean if anyone ever reads any of this while I’m still alive it creates credibility issues with my material.  Not that my material is flawed, but it takes a greater level of attention to understand than does the information crafted to appeal to different marketing groups.  People are easily persuaded by negative assertions especially if it is about things they don’t care to understand.  

Why am I alone?  Unlike most people who are homeless and alone, I don’t have any drug dependency issues that caused me to harm people and resulted in them alienating me.  I’ve grown apart from the people I knew and they are not honest with me in interaction.  A lot of people I knew are dead, some are in prison, some are substance dependent, some live a modified lifestyle from our teenage/ early 20s years, and others are content with their jobs and their families.  All of them probably think I’m crazy.  Most importantly, none of them are interested in what I’m doing.  So I am alone.    

Why am I homeless?  After I left my job I intended to find a place to rent.  Even with some money, no proof of income, poor credit, and criminal record albeit old makes it awfully difficult to rent your own place, and also difficult to even rent a room.  On the other side of it, if I maintain a full time job to maintain a space to live, that’s essentially it.  That becomes my life, I regress intellectually, and I’m living in an unsatisfactory situation in an unacceptable world.  I say I regress intellectually because in order to maintain the job it will require a great deal of emotional upkeep.  If that’s my life I kill myself because it doesn’t make sense for me to endure for nothing.  

I’m essentially homeless because you cannot sell truth, because there is no demand for it.  People want information that reinforces their beliefs not information that challenges it.  I want to position myself to earn a modest living through the sale and promotion of my material and ideas.  I apparently don’t know how to do this and there is no blueprint for it.  How do you gain people’s attention towards something that they want to avoid?

It’s pretty insane to me that I’ve never had anyone demonstrate that they’ve understood anything I wrote.  No questions pertaining to anything, no counter points or arguments.  Maybe on social media but in those situations outside of subjective subjects like sports there haven’t been any sustained points.  As far as my substantive material, just silence.  Funny, I’m at a rest stop and there are crickets in the background, like: my material… and crickets.  

Why don’t I kill myself?  The main reason is the waste of development.  I don’t know where the plateau was, and the plateau has its ups and downs depending on my circumstances, stress levels, and obligations which at times obstruct mental processes in regard to focus, but I am a person whose understanding allows him to see life almost removed from it.  I’m not going to paint the full picture beautifying myself within what is often a pretty miserable existence, but most of what people think they know is bullshit built on popular assumptions about life that are wrong.  

The human mind can be such an inconspicuously evil thing.  What I mean by that reduces to very basic mental functions that are verified through psychological results even if the functions themselves are not known to psychology.  The first function of the subconscious mind is that the subconscious mind is always set to an objective to produce a positive feeling, including a positive feeling through the removal of a negative feeling.  In order for the subconscious mind to produce positive feelings it must maintain the perception that allows objects to produce those feelings.  When I say maintain the perception, I’m saying the assignments of what is true and false concerning ideas must remain intact because how things make us feel rely on these assignments staying the same.  The subconscious mind is not only avoiding information that will change those assignments, but it is always producing thoughts to justify actions.  Social reinforcement is key in cementing things that are wrong, whereby if other people are participating in the same behavior or believe the same things the behavior is right and the things seems true.  

I do believe I will be much more satisfied in death than I will be in life.  Being alive among this species is an opportunity to advance general understanding, even if it is an unlikely and improbable outcome based on basic subconscious functions and how those functions are manipulated through information that has reached them 1st.  

If you were transported back in time to the middle ages, you would recognize that the things people thought and did were false and wrong, and this would probably bother you.  You may not be content working the lord’s land to maintain some thatched hut, attending festivals with superstitious rituals, burning witches, subscribing to ideas about the organization of society that were false, among other things that you knew to be untrue and not beneficial.  I don’t claim to be an expert on the era but the point is imagine you were among people who were full of shit from top to bottom.  What do you do?  You can either assimulate, kill yourself, or make an effort to advance the species.  You can’t assimilate because you can’t unknow what you already know.  You can kill yourself or make an effort to advance the species.  Maybe that helps someone reading this to understand why I am at where I am at.     

Idiots would say why would anyone want to learn about things that have socially alienated the person responsible for recording them and made him miserable?  It isn’t the material or understanding that produces the misery, it is the circumstances, where there is no outlet for it and I am trapped by a lack of resources, a lack of ability to procure adequate resources, and a people who prefer their comfortable lies over things that are true.  The understanding and certainty that I have in it is the only thing that provides me peace.  

Most of what I write when I’m at low points I don’t share.  It’s unbecoming of me to vent my weakness.  It usually goes away as quickly as it comes on.  The plan was to purchase flyers and use the flyers to promote the website and to talk to people.  I bought 10,000 with a 3 day turnaround time.  I purchased them on the 18th and they were supposed to be done on the 21st and available for pick up on the 22nd.  I was in southern Illinois near St. Louis when I made the order.  Shipping would have been about $75.  Of course I don’t have a place to receive the flyers so I had to either A: rent a hotel for a week, or B: for the cost of shipping I could drive to Arlington, TX to pick them up.  I drove to Arlington to save on the cost of a hotel.  I rented a room in Arlington for a few weeks before I left and had a gym membership there so I was looking forward to the return, to be able to workout and shower.  I also made $135 on a pretty easy moving gig for a day.  First day back was alright.    

On the 21st I contacted customer service via the live chat feature through the website.  The CS rep told me they were being printed that day and would be ready in the morning.  I go to pick them up but on the door to the address it says call and your order will be brought out to you.  The name of the company is The Print Place, but the name on the building where you pick it up is called WillCall.  Funny name because of my experience; don’t expect your order to be done when we said it will be done, we “Will Call” whenever we get it done.  A woman answered the phone and told me my order was not ready, but implied that it would be ready by the end of the day.  

Later in the day I went back on the live chat and another CS rep told me they were being printed and said he tried to contact the production manager but couldn’t get ahold of him.  I realized later the online CS reps were not at the printing location, and neither the one I chatted with that day nor the one I chatted with the previous day had any information about my order.  Later in the day I called back and the lady who was the only person on location in the office where the printing actually takes place said she would check with production and find out about my order.  I called again and she said she had 2 customers in the parking lot, confirmed she was the only one there and she was going to check on it.  She also told me she leaves at 5pm.  At about quarter to 5 I called and this time she asked if I could hold.  I was holding but she was talking to someone in person, another customer and apologized profusely about the woman’s order not being completed on the day she needed it.  When the woman said she paid extra for that day (the same as I did) and should be priority she was told they have orders from weeks ago that haven’t been completed and that is their priority.  

When I spoke with the woman I told her I didn’t presume she had anything different to tell me and she didn’t.  She gave a customer service number to call and I requested a refund.  I didn’t want to cancel but the likelihood that I would have received my flyers on Monday or even Tuesday was slim and I didn’t want to sit in the DFW area for potentially another week or two waiting.  

After that I headed out.  I’m at a rest stop and I’ll probably be here until Monday.  I can’t do anything until Monday because there are no print shops open on the weekends.  Very disappointing.

9/2021

 For the last 8 months minus roughly 6 weeks now I was working a job traveling as a furniture, fixtures, and equipment installer on new hotel constructions with some short breaks in between jobs.  I began the job intent on earning enough money to purchase the tools and parts to change my timing chain.  However, since the work wasn’t too bad, the people I worked with were cool, and it was the best income opportunity available to me, I decided to work with this company after I earned enough money to change my timing chain.  

The goal was to save about $15,000.  Unfortunately, unexpected expenses and circumstances that recently forced my departure left me well short of that goal.  I had a structural issue with my car that forced me to pay for and make a lot of repairs.  It shook when driving between 65 and 70mph.  I bought the parts and paid a cheap shop to change the struts and one of the wheel bearings.  I changed the other wheel bearing and CV axle.  Then I changed the lower control arms and discovered the problem.  The lower control arm was worn out on the back side.  There’s like a rubber material inside where a bolt connects it I think through the frame in the back and that caused the wobbling.  This didn’t solve the problem.  When I installed the control arm I had to take it apart because the sway bar is bent so I couldn’t get the bolt to line up on the back side.  The reason the control arm wore out is because the bent sway bar is vibrating against the control arm.  Now the shaking sometimes is about as bad as it was before so I’ve probably worn out this control arm as well.  

It also cost me about $1000 to clear up some legal issues that required my attention.  This was back in late July shortly after we finished a job in Auburn, Alabama.  Actually we finished the job in Auburn, and about two weeks later we spent about a week in Dallas finishing parts of a job they did earlier but couldn’t finish because the contractor stopped paying the sub contractors.  At that point I had a little over $6000 when I had to spend the money I spent there.  I was visiting my daughter in Chicago, I took her to the indoor skydiving wind tunnel in Lincoln park.  

The day before I was pulled over by state police who said I had warrants in Wisconsin.  Pulled over for not wearing my seatbelt while wearing my seatbelt.  I told the officer why I suspected he pulled me over:  Since I had Texas plates he wanted to make contact to see if there was anything in plain view that would give him probable cause to search the vehicle since anyone from out of town, especially from Texas could be trafficking and this would be an opportunity to find quality charges.  Years ago, in 2015 I was charged for allegedly writing checks from a bank account in my name after the bank account was closed.  There were a total of 6 separate counts all misdemeanors carrying a maximum sentence of 9 months each.  I was taken to the county jail but the county wouldn’t accept me because the officer did not have the proper paperwork and no one from the county I had the warrants in in Wisconsin was sending the paperwork.  

Thankfully I was able to contact my employer, Mark, who knew a once high profile lawyer who contacted these counties, had one of them suspend the warrant and arrange for the charges to be dropped if I paid the amount that was owed on the checks.  That cost me roughly $1000 and another $250 to get my car out of impound.  

My plan was to finish this 8 week job that was set to begin the following week after the incident in Chicago.  There was supposed to be about a month in between that job and another 8 week job beginning in November which was eventually pushed back.  My plan was I would finish that job we were working on, take a month off to organize my material and position myself to begin promoting it, then work the next job and I should have been somewhere between 10 and 15,000 saved. 

In the beginning of September with about 4 weeks left on the job I attended a comedy show.  During the show there was a couple seated to the left of me who was so obnoxious that they were addressed by the performer and confronted by a couple seated in front of them who were moved after they complained to the staff.  

Had I confronted them during the show I anticipated the situation would have escalated based on how they responded to the couple in front of them.  After the show I presumed I could state my peace and leave with the people I met seated to the right of me who I was talking and joking with prior to the show beginning, and who I made plans with after the show.  Among other things I told the woman that I hoped she developed enough self worth where she wouldn’t have to ruin other people’s nights to attract attention to herself and feel good.  Unfortunately they escalated the situation which culminated in her boyfriend or husband grabbing and punching me as I walked away.  

I responded by grabbing him and punching him twice.  I didn’t realize it at the time but after I hit him the second time he was knocked out on his feet.  He grabbed me with both hands and I grabbed him with both hands turning him and tripping him over my leg to put him on his back, but since he wasn’t conscious the back of his head hit the floor.  His arms went out to his sides, his eyes were wide open, he was motionless, and he didn’t appear to be breathing.  

I ducked under the line as the incident occured at the exit right by the security checkpoint location.  I went to the bathroom and took off my button up shirt and just wore my white under shirt.  I figured if security was looking for me they’d be looking for a person in a blue button up.  Unfortunately I didn’t remember the way to the parking structure because the casino is huge.  In fact when I arrived and asked how to get to the location where the show was I was told by the staff that it was up the stairs and about a 6 minute walk.  I had to ask directions not once but twice after this altercation to find my way back to the parking structure.

I didn’t do anything wrong.  That state requires for self defense the reasonable belief that harm is either imminent or happening, and a reasonable belief that the force being used is not beyond what is required to protect one’s self.  I had the reasonable belief that harm was happening to me because I was grabbed and punched.  I used only enough force to prevent him from continuing to assault me and did not harm him after I realized that end was achieved.  Being in a casino I believed there was video evidence that would serve as proof that this was how the event transpired.  Yet at the same time I believed if I would have stayed and waited for security and law enforcement I may have been charged especially if as I originally thought he may have died.  I’ve read stories and seen reports of people hitting their head and dying, and although I’ve been in enough physical altercations to see people become temporarily unconscious, I’ve never seen them as completely motionless as he had been, eyes wide open, and not seeing his chest rising.   

I talked to the officer who informed me he took a statement from both of them which let me know he was alright, and later Mark from Premier Hospitality had his attorney’s office check for warrants.  A few weeks later I was pulled over by the Illinois State Police who ran my name and there were no warrants for my arrest.  About two weeks after the incident I did receive a call from the tribal police where the incident took place and explained my claim to self defense.  After doing so the officer made some threats but he knew there was no basis for any charges.

  Of course it was morally right because imposition is justified to neutralize imposition.    

I didn’t know this for a few weeks.  I left the job prematurely because if he was dead or seriously injured I did tell the people seated to the right of me where I was working and what I was doing.  My identity was easy to find out because the tickets are assigned where the couple to the left of me can say I was seated here and he was seated here.  While I knew I would be found innocent based on the video evidence and the law, I didn’t want to go through that at that time if that was the situation.  I returned to Texas because my plates were registered to Texas meaning I would blend in better and would be less likely to be caught.  As far as feeling that I may have just killed someone I didn’t feel bad because I knew I didn’t do anything wrong, although I did experience some stress from fear of the consequence or I should say the potential legal battle if he had died.

When I left I had about $6000 saved.  $550 was gone right away because it was near my daughter’s birthday so I wanted to make sure I sent her money if something happened.  After discovering that the man from the altercation at the comedy show was okay and I wasn’t being charged I left to go to Chicago. 

 While in Texas I began recording presentations of books, started a meetup group, designed and ordered some of my products, and finished compiling written material into themed publications.  On my way to Chicago I was responding to CL ads to rent rooms.  I spent a night or two at a rest area, then two nights at a hotel, followed by another night at a rest area and I was unable to find anything I wanted to rent.  I returned to Texas and after another week in Texas I decided Texas wasn’t for me.  

Now I’m in the car rerecording material and creating new outlines to record audio outlines.  I was looking at places in Iowa and there are some cheap apartments and studios out there.  What’s unfortunate is although I have at least a few months of rent and expenses, I have no proof of income, references, credit, probably cannot pass the background check despite my criminal history being old, and cannot meet the qualifications to rent a place.  For the last 4 days I’ve just been moving slowly.  Moving from rest area to rest area working on material but also just fucking off a little bit unsure of how to proceed.  The point is to not spend money until I know what I want to do, how I’m going to do it, and where I want to be.  In the meantime I’ll continue making presentation outlines of written material and recording them.  I’ll also work on other material. 

7 Year Summary

The first 29 years of my life were a product of difficult beginnings and efforts to be free within those difficulties.  Around that age I began to have questions about why the world was the way it was and why I was as I was.  The objective pursuit of  answers to those questions reshaped my perception of reality.  Most notably in the recognition that what exists, exists not by mistake or due to incompetence, but to maintain and advance advantaged interests in this country.  

Being naive, I thought I could talk to people who claimed to be concerned with addressing issues that affect people’s quality of life and they would be interested in the solutions.  That is me, swift to correct himself and take correction in the satisfaction of knowing that his truth is stronger and more complete.  That is not others who profess concern with causes for the financial and social benefits that typically accompany the claim to a cause, who must ignore information and criticism that challenges their beliefs.  

For reasons much too complex to address in this summary I left Milwaukee, WI and went to Los Angeles.  I rented a room in Panorama City, worked craigslist jobs as well as a telemarketing job in Reseda.  I attended different political activist groups as well as political conversational groups.  This went on for months but it felt like years.  Failing to gain the interest of the groups I attended and finding myself in a situation of utter depravity, eating peanut butter sandwiches and sometimes not having money for the bus I walked to work.  I gave the woman I rented a room from notice that I was moving out.  Having seen people displaying signs to get money I decided I would sleep on the streets, hold a sign to get money, and have the time to study and work on my material.  

This lasted a few months and I traveled up the west coast having no attachment  to the Los Angeles area.  Eventually I returned to Wisconsin.  There was a vehicle that was going to be junked because the wheel hub assembly needed to be replaced.  I replaced the wheel hub and was given possession of the vehicle.  

While on the west coast I discovered there was a thriving long distance ride share market.  I returned to the west coast and made money transporting primarily “trimmigrants”.  Trimmigrants are people who migrate to northern California to work as trimmers during the harvest season.  They usually arrive in the SF Bay Area and need rides to locations in Humboldt County, while others need rides from Humboldt County back to the bay area.  I went as far north as Arcata along the 101.  I would try to schedule 3 to 4 passengers at $50 to $75 per person but it didn’t always work out that way, and as you can probably imagine it was very time consuming.  

My van broke down in San Francisco.  I applied for the meager benefits available, participated in a smoking study that provided me with free cigarettes and some monetary compensation.  I lived in the van and began working on material again.  Eventually the van was towed and I stayed in a shelter for about a month.  Once I completed what I consider today to be a short sighted effort at a book containing 3 proposals geared towards addressing two symptomatic and one systemic issue concerning opportunity and representation, I found a job working for a moving company.  I purchased a car and returned to Milwaukee.  

In Milwaukee I worked for a company called Wisconsin Foundation Specialists, owned by a man named John Negreu and a woman named Petra.  

I received an invitation to go to Colorado Springs to visit and possibly work for someone I knew growing up and accepted the invitation.  Over the years I was impressed with his work ethic and skill which translated into success.  Unfortunately when I arrived he was not the same person who I used to see from time to time that was doing well for himself.  He found himself in some legal trouble, separated from his wife, was secretly using meth, and keeping company with people who were involved in that substance dependence lifestyle.  I stayed with him for a few weeks but it was not a good environment.  I went to Denver, lived out of my car, and worked jobs through craigslist gigs and day labor services.  

I received a call from another person I knew from Milwaukee who asked me if I wanted to work with him in Florida.  His dad was awarded damages for injuries sustained in a car accident and purchased some properties that he was going to pay us to repair and renovate.  This was more appealing than what I was presently doing so I told him I’d like to come help.

I was looking on craigslist for passengers who wanted to go to Florida for company and to cover the cost of the trip.  There was a woman who wanted a puppy transported and was paying $250 but I would have to leave about 2 weeks before I was supposed to arrive for work.  I figured I could find work in Florida as well as I could find work in Denver, so I left early to make the $250 to transport the puppy.  

In Florida the engine blew on the car.  It was still somewhat drivable, I didn’t completely lose compression but it wouldn’t rev higher than 2000 rpms and was on the brink of not running.  I called the person who had work and he told me he was going to be postponed because he injured himself falling down a hill at a wedding event.  

I knew in Denver I could earn money through the day labor service.  I junked my car, I think I received $200 for it and bought a GreyHound ticket back to Denver.  After arriving in Denver I may have had $150 maybe less.  I left Denver with only about $300 and had unexpected expenses along the way which included a flat tire.  I worked at the Iron Man day labor service everyday there was work available.  Sometimes I slept outside and other times I rented a bed from different people on Craigslist for $15 to $20 a night.  After what I remember to be a few weeks I found an ad on Craigslist to rent a camping trailer at a lot for $150 per week.  I rented the trailer, purchased a car, and had to leave the trailer in a dispute over propane costs which wasn’t originally in our agreement and may have been a pretext to kick me out due to his perception of a different issue.  It came at a very inopportune time where I didn’t have the money to pay for the propone.  I had an opportunity to purchase a reliable car, or not purchase the car and continue living in the trailer.  One is the facilitator of comfort and the other is a facilitator of income so I went with the latter. 

I was working craigslist jobs and jobs through a labor broker.  He did the same thing as the day labor places contracting with companies to provide labor but he supplied higher quality workers and paid significantly higher rates.  Still, I estimated at that time that it would require about 4 months living out of my car with my current expenses to save $6000 to position myself to begin promoting my material and trying to advance ideas that would cause this world to be more tolerable.  The work was very slow paced and I was approaching the end of my ability to perform it.  

At lunch I was looking on the craigslist gig section.  There was an ad to drive a box truck for a foreman for a daily rate that was slightly higher than I was making as well as the prospect of tips and hotel accomodations.  I called and was given the job.  Shortly after my first trip I was made a foreman, and not long after that I was engaged in a 50/50 partnership with the owner.  Near the time that I finished I had about $8,000 saved.  Unfortunately, I had a three week period where I had to wait to complete two deliveries where I incurred significant expenses.  There was a period after that where there was the prospect of doing another trip that led to my departure with the company for a variety of reasons.  The main reason was he was making a lot of decisions that were making the job not worthwhile and I suspected him of trying to sabotage our partnership.  This sounds strange but there are a lot of details that led me to this suspicion.  

To shed just a little light on it I had access to the broker boards.  There were occasions when I would put together the schedule I wanted or be in an area telling him to book the jobs and he wouldn’t book the jobs.  One trip I did 3 pickups and we had about $5000 profit to split.  Then I had a delivery to do that was a guaranteed date that was our job.  This was after about the first week of this trip.  He had other partnerships with other people and those jobs were in our storage.  He asked me to deliver a bunch of his jobs and said we’d pay ourselves $2 a cubic foot for delivering it.  After this there were more deliveries.  With expenses and labor I really wasn’t making much money on those deliveries and he wasn’t scheduling the pick ups I requested.  We had a good first week on the pick ups I did and we had about $2500 profit a piece.  I was on the road for another two weeks after this and when I went over the close we had about $5000 in profit, meaning I just worked for two weeks for free, and I also had other commitments after that from jobs he had me pick up from other companies.  

The last trip I was going to do with him I stopped at the office in Denver.  I was headed to Kansas City to pick up a truck from Penske and I had 3 to 4 pick ups on the schedule.  The day before I’m supposed to pick up the truck in Kansas City, while I’m still on my way there, he called me and told me there was a good job in Springfield, IL that had to be picked up that night.  I told him I didn’t want to do it.  He kept pressing me and I reluctantly agreed.  He told the customer I was going to be there at like 2:30 or 4pm and it was about noon when he called me and I think I was at least 6 to 7 hours away.  

I rush to Springfield, I stop at Uhaul to get a truck and I go to the customer’s apartment.  I talked to her on the phone.  She told me she had a flight to catch early the next morning and needed her stuff picked up that night.  When I got to the door she opened the door and was on the phone.  Then she told me to wait a minute and closed the door.  Afterwards she let me in and I began to look at her items and prepare an estimate.  This was extremely difficult because I had new paperwork that I didn’t have a chance to look over and I was using a Uhaul truck which we never used but it was the only rental place open that late.  My revised estimate pitch is based on the truck and the paperwork, and I had paperwork I’ve never used before and a truck I’ve never used before.  I provided her a revised estimate that was less than 20% higher than the estimate she received, which in interstate moving is a very good price.  

She cancelled.  With her having to catch a flight in the morning there is no way she could have got another moving company there that evening.  People usually need to book their move weeks in advance.  Most of the jobs come through brokers.  The broker keeps the deposit and then posts the job on a board that is accessible to moving companies and then the moving companies take the job from the broker.  I suspect she was on the phone with my partner and he had another partner in the area.  I believe he may have decided to bring me back for this trip and set up a series of failures. 

As to his motivation I didn’t interact with him the same way his foreman and other partners interacted with him.  I didn’t always do what he wanted to do, and sometimes I expressed my displeasure with how things were going.  There was one job in particular in Leavenworth, KS where I arrived and there was a woman with a parapalegic child, another child, and I think her father who was medically in rough shape.  They were moving to Louisiana and had to be out of their apartment that night to get their security deposit back.  They didn’t look like they had much money and she said couldn’t pay any more than what was on the estimate.  I looked at what needed to be moved, the space, and the cost to deliver it and there was enough money to cover the cost and create a very small profit.  He told me to leave and I picked the job up anyway. 

I don’t want to portray myself as a good guy, most times I wasn’t and that’s the nature of interstate moving.  Anyone who paid a company to take their items across state lines knows that usually you get an estimate, and on the day of your move that price is doubled.  I just muddied up this summary but I felt like it was important to at least provide some idea why I suspected him of trying to sabotage a lucrative relationship, and why I severed ties with him.     

Eventually I got myself together and decided I would go to Florida to begin my promotional campaign.  Florida was a good place to me because it was warm in December, had a diverse population politically speaking, and a high concentration of people.  It was also a place I hadn’t been before.  I drove straight to Florida from Blue Springs, MO outside of Kansas City.  I intended to go to the Tampa area or Fort Myers having been to Fort Myers when I was younger.  I stopped in Gainesville and rented a hotel for I think two days to recover from the drive and determine where I was going to go and stay.  

When I left the hotel I was pulled over by a Florida State Trooper for not wearing my seat belt.  The officer saw my plates were from Colorado and called the K-9 Unit.  They performed an open air sniff and the dog alerted on the vehicle.  They found 3 grams of marijuana, a pipe with marijuana residue, and 4 10 mg gummy edibles the equivalent potency to about 1.5 grams of marijuana.  I was taken into custody, my car was impounded, and I was charged with 4 misdemeanors and 2 felonies.  For what I possessed in most states where marijuana is still illegal I could have expected a ticket.  I was shocked by the ambition of this officer in the charges he filed, especially given my level of cooperation in believing that the possession of these substances wasn’t a serious offense.  

It required most of my money to pay the bond to get out and to get my car out of impound.  I began working craigslist jobs.  I found steady work through a guy named Cedric Lemorin who contracted with Amazon to do in home product assembly.  It began well but soon jobs were fewer and farther apart making it not as lucrative as it began.  I was arrested on December 4th, bonded out on the 6th, and I lasted until February and I was forced to return to Milwaukee to fight my charges.  

There was a great deal of misconduct by the public defender.  I learned the Florida Rules of Professional Conduct and used his misconduct to leverage a favorable resolution by the state.  The felonies were dropped, and two of the misdemeanors were dropped for me to plead guilty to misdemeanor possession of marijuana and possession of paraphernalia for 15 days in jail.  My first plea offer prior to creating a dossier on the misconduct of the attorney was for 90 days conditional jail time and 3 years probation.  

I spent almost a year resolving these cases.  After which I was stuck in Milwaukee (West Allis) with very limited opportunities for income and advancement.  My car was messed up to the point where I had to junk it.  Trapped, I did the only thing I could do which was untrap myself.  The plan was to fly to San Diego, apply for whatever benefits were offered, get a shelter bed, find work, buy a car, and begin promotion.  San Diego was chosen 1st because it was warm which is appealing if you’re going to be homeless during the winter.  The second reason was I presumed like San Francisco, if you’re homeless they’ll get you into a shelter.  I applied for benefits and received food share, but it was extremely difficult to get a shelter bed.  After spending a week sleeping on the trains I sought opportunity elsewhere.  

          I found an ad for a cheap room for rent in Las Vegas on craigslist.  I flew to Vegas and rented the room.  In Vegas gig work was difficult to come by but I found enough to sustain me for the first few weeks and eventually steady work for a 6 week period.  Once again I saved enough money for a car. 

I bought the car from an auction and it had problems.  The first problem was the water pump.  The water pump on the 2012 Chevy Malibu is more difficult to change than on most cars because the water pump is on the balancing chain not the serpentine belt.  It isn’t all that difficult to change but I was initially intimidated by the job because I’d never done anything like it before.  After changing the water pump I discovered I had another problem.  The car still ran very rough and I didn’t know the cause.  

I had to leave Vegas because I couldn’t sustain myself through gig work there.  I left with my car running very poorly to Phoenix because I saw they had a lot of gig work there.  I stopped at a cheap hotel in Flagstaff.  While at that hotel I was looking in the gigs section of other places.  I saw an ad seeking participants for a documentary on voices not represented in the mainstream.  The gig was in Austin and I contacted the producers who were interested in interviewing me.  I decided to skip Phoenix and went to Austin.  

I did the interview and was told I would have access to the raw footage that I could use for my own purposes and that the documentary would be released May of 2021.  I contacted the producer several times and was given excuses as to why he was unable to get me the footage, and on the last occasion I contacted him after May he didn’t respond at all.  I’m not too disappointed because although there were portions where I was able to articulate key points, I consider my overall performance to be pretty poor.  

While in Austin prior to the interview I got the check engine codes that confirmed that my timing chain was loose.  I had less than $400 and was living in a car that could die at any time.  I was trying to condense my material to get out every key point I had and I answered some questions poorly in an effort to appear more proper and professional than I actually am.  In hindsight, I’m not too disappointed that the documentary was probably never released and that I didn’t receive the footage.  

The producer stated he was a Marxist which is good or bad for me in respect to how he may try to portray me having both good and bad footage.  There are two kinds of socialists, there are people who are socialists because they believe socialism provides people the best quality of life opportunities.  I don’t have a problem with these socialists because they will support proposals that are not socialist if they believe these proposals will lead to improvements in people’s quality of life.  Then there are socialists who are for socialism based on an allegiance to the system.  Committed to an ideology that capitalism is inherently flawed and therefore any improvements within a capitalist system are not worthwhile.  One group would see me as a capitalist who has practical quality of life improving solutions and should support me.  The others would hate me for no other reason than I’m not a socialist.  

Adding to my stress in Austin was the inability to find work.  Eventually I found work in Dallas with an FF&E company.  FF&E stands for furniture, fixtures, and equipment and we installed these items in new hotel constructions.  I traveled with the company for approximately 7 months, with some small gaps in between jobs.  The work was alright, the people were cool, and it provided me with the means to change my timing chain and a bunch of other issues with my car.  The goal was to save between 10 and 15 thousand dollars and begin promoting my material.  

I was unable to reach this goal having to leave the company because of a situation I won’t go into now.  I had about half the lower end of my goal saved when I departed.  I’ve been in a situation where circumstances have caused me to eat deeply into the money.  

The last 7 years of my life have been difficult to say the least.  It has been a recurring cycle of trying to position myself to earn money through the promotion of material and ideas that advance human interests, but experiencing setback after setback that maintains my isolation.  Now, with no housing option being appealing since I have poor credit and no verifiable income and not wanting to spend $1300 a month on a hotel, I was going to begin a national promotion campaign.  

I purchased 10,000 flyers and intended to distribute face to face in different locations.  I was going to move from location to location and use the flyers as a means to interact with the public and hopefully draw attention to my material.  Unfortunately, these efforts have proved ineffective and I need to try something else.

 It’s crazy that in 7 years, no one has read or understood what I have written.  Prior to compiling material into the publications featured on my website, all of this material was on my website for free.  As well as other material that hasn’t been compiled into a project.  When people don’t like what you’re saying because it invalidates their perception, they have the option to ignore you.  

As for my first 31 years, before leaving for LA 2014, my life wasn’t great then either although circumstantially it was better at times.  I served over 6 years incarcerated off and on in between the ages of 14 to 24, primarily for battery charges.  I sold primarily marijuana and prescription pain medication to support myself and family which was the best opportunity available to me to have money and time in Milwaukee. 

In the last 7 years I had two good income opportunities.  Had I been serious about these jobs I could have had a career in either one of them, in interstate moving, or in FF&E.  Human happiness is built on one of two foundations.  The first is a job where a person’s income affords them the means, including sufficient time not working to do what they want to do.  The second is for a person to make enough money to provide for their natural needs while doing what they want to do.  Unfortunately for me, entertainment isn’t a strong enough motivator for me to be content working a job and ignoring what I see around me.  What I want to be doing is creating progress towards a world that is tolerable and that is my number 2.  

When I initially set out on this path I was motivated by profound feelings of compassion and empathy that caused me to want to improve the lives of others in realizing a freer, more just world, and a more intelligent species.  In my development and a better understanding of functions, in understanding how people’s propensity for self deception produces the world we live in, my general motivation for maintaining this course is no longer empathy and compassion.  In acts, I can still be motivated by these things, it feels good to be helpful.  But in ambition, it is more a product of creating progress towards a more tolerable world, and a commitment to right, in liberty and truth.

Tell Me Your Hotel Room Has Roaches Without Telling Me Your Hotel Room Has Roaches

In between some job it was too hot to sleep at a rest area so I rented a cheap room.  When I arrived the person on site gave me the key to my room before I made payment.  I looked in the room and it was run down but the AC was already on so I told him the room was fine.  When I went back I saw some roaches.  I took this picture and sent it to Chris from Premier who watches Tic Toc videos with the title text (tell me without telling me).  The idea is that the light will keep the roaches in the shadows and since my stuff is up high on the shelf they cannot get to my stuff without crossing into the light.  

4/2021 GRRRR!!!!!!

This is more or less an assessment of my circumstances and reflecting on the last few weeks I haven’t been posting. There were a few days where I was recording very dry readings of my webpages. This was a waste of time in terms of the product but the exercise had value in editing and refamiliarization with the content. In that refamiliarization I recognized opportunities to insert (haven’t yet done) as well as opportunities to abridge. For example, in Balance Stimulus I can create a version where I exclude my criticism of other ideas that purport benefit to the poor.

One article I began to reread is Centers for Economic Planning. In doing so I found the introduction to be very repetitive. Sometimes this happens as I’m referencing features to make other points about them. I’m sure there are many articles that could benefit from another look.

As to the title of this page I’m coming off a rough weekend. Alcohol use is very enjoyable in the moment but the following day, and then drinking on sequential days amplifies the lingering negative. The lingering negative is much less about the physical recovery, and much more about the time wasted, and the time wasted not feeling good enough to do anything productive.

On Sunday I had to do something and began looking at the customs and border patrol numbers to see how much of the so-called surge is really a surge. The numbers are higher than in recent years, much of this a product of lower than normal numbers due to Covid-19 in 2020, and the perception that Biden’s policy will be friendly to illegal immigrants. If we go back to March of 2006 there were 160k enforcement acts in March. They’ve been calling this March a surge, embellishing it as if the US will soon be overwhelmed by an endless throng of illegal migrants. In March 2021 there was 168k. February was eclipsed in numbers by many other Februarys in recent history.

I was about to write a short article echoing the conclusions from Immigration, Overstated and Uncorrectable. Immigration is still a product of US foreign policy towards latin america past and present. That policy cannot be reversed because US policy is a product of industrial interests and industry’s interest in Latin America requires the maintenance of impoverished conditions to take advantage of low labor costs and facilitate the exploitation of resources. You cannot create policies to support independent economic development because such development that creates prosperity for the population is against the interests of those who direct US policy.

In the coming decades climate change may create an actual surge in migration through the southern border but we’re not there yet. I support illegal immigration. By that I mean I wish the people who take the risks to enter this country in search of opportunity luck, but I don’t support open borders. It has to stay illegal as a deterent, otherwise illegal immigration could become a problem. As it is today and as it has been in the previous decades preceding, illegal immigration has been a boogie man summoned by the right to engage the rank and file, but it isn’t a problem. The amount of resources dedicated to the maintenance of border security is adequate, evident by the number of illegal immigrants from southern border countries has remained between 10 and 11 million people. CBP and ICE are doing a good job at ensuring the number of illegal immigrants remains below a level that has any consequences on the opportunity of Americans.

I have a Lowest Paid Employee Wage Disclosure article which is short that I haven’t published as well as a point by point abridge version of Assignment and Comparison. I haven’t posted this. Why post it? On a few different occasions I’ve seen hits on every SCA article I have. I haven’t received a single comment or question about the material. I don’t see the value of sharing anymore about this without any interest. This of course affects my productivity, and not being productive feels bad. Productivity is impacted by the idea that everything I write has no outlet, so why write it?

The title of this article expresses where I’m at and the probable trajectory of where I’m going. The idea that in a month I will be working for 3.5 months straight is daunting. I already feel how I anticipate I will feel during the period. Most of my time will be focused on the menial tasks of this job and I’m going to feel like shit because I can’t do anything else during this period. That is part of it.

The other part of it is being able to really take the first step with this shit. How do I gain enough attention from a person to be able to teach and promote this? The biggest obstacle is people’s views are not based on an understanding of function, and revealing function destroys their positions, beliefs, and carries with it negative feelings.    

Once again FedEx did not deliver my car parts on time which forced me to stay in DFW for two extra days. I changed the control arms on the car after receiving the package and the rear portion of the passenger control arm was severely damaged, responsible for most of the vibration that was occurring at higher speeds.

After replacing the control arms I drove to Gurnee, IL to meet with my daughter. We went to breakfast, played games at Dave and Busters, went bowling, and then had dinner before we departed. It was a great day, she seemed to have fun and expressed as much and I did as well.  I was subtly perturbed by my daughter’s image.  She’s very into the 90s grunge image and music and I didn’t like how she was dressed.  I didn’t say anything to her about it, I just felt it reflected poorly on myself and her mother.  

A month or two later I was working with Mark and his son at the Marriott Courtyard in McDonough, GA.  He made some comments to his son about how his son was dressed and I felt better about being uncomfortable about how my daughter was dressed.  I expressed this to Chris (Senior Installer) and he told me a funny story.  

His son’s were wearing tight clothes which is the style for a lot of teenagers these days.  As the story was told to me, Mark was going to go to some store with his sons.  He put on some extremely short and tight shorts and a shirt that might have been one of his kids when they were younger that didn’t go past his belly.  He came out and either they didn’t want to go to the store with him dressed like that or asked why he was dressed like that.  He said something to the effect what do you mean, this is the style isn’t it, tight clothes.  

Prior to leaving DFW I was contacted by the CO who asked if I wanted to come out to North Carolina for 4 to 5 days work in Asheboro. I realized I cannot really do anything until I gain stability in one place. Having a few weeks before the next job starts leaves me in a place where I’m constantly thinking about having to go back to work for the next job. I also cannot begin efforts in organizing because I’ll be off to a new place in a matter of weeks. So I decided to make the drive to NC to make a little bit of money and save a little bit of money on lodging until the next job begins.

I’ve been waking up severely depressed. Part of this is nicotine withdrawal. I smoke a few cigarettes a day coming from a place where I smoked more than a few cigarettes a day and vaped all day long. The past two days I smoked my last cigarette around 7 or 8pm and then woke up at 5am and 3am, and could not fall back asleep. Laying in bed trying to go back to sleep while my mind shuffles through different aspects of my circumstances.

I don’t want to work this job. The people are great, the work is easy, and the pay is good compared to other opportunities I have for work. This isn’t what I want to be doing and there are other things I want to be doing that I should be able to make a living doing. Some stress has been a product of the CO telling me about the projects he has booked through the year, or giving me a hard hat and safety glasses for an upcoming job, or bringing up that I’ll need an OSHA certification for an upcoming job. All of this in itself should have no effect and some of the information is necessary, but to me it represents a future with the company in idea that produces negative feelings.

Mattress Day

  The project is finished and I have a few extra days in a free hotel to figure out what I’m going to do for the next few weeks before we begin the Alabama project. Before I begin comments on this break I wanted to chronicle an incident where I had a verbal altercation with an individual. The altercation was interesting because following it I identified the key points throughout the day where the subject’s behavior produced negative feelings, or points where I was making subconscious value assignments that probably contributed to how I responded to him.

I learned a lesson about cumulative assignments of negative feelings as a product of both subjective values and morality.  Without the culmination of shouting matches that could have escalated I may not have so closely considered the accumulation of negative assignments to this individual.  

Initially, when he was outside unloading the truck I respected how he was working.  He was pulling mattresses and boxsprings off of the truck very quickly.  I was upset by his partner who was at the front of the truck laying them down and not moving them, but he was picking up that slack.  

The first point of negative feelings was his effort to make jokes towards the end of the Chief of Operations presentation, where he explained where to put the items and which ones to unbag.  1st it was a poor attempt at humor, and second the content was detrimental to what we were trying to accomplish.  On two occasions he said the reverse of what the CO said.  Even as a joke this can create a problem because someone can hear what he said and then do the wrong thing.  

The second point was a negative moral feeling.  There was a contractor who walked over to the elevator and this individual began telling him he couldn’t use the elevator and in a way that was very disrespectful.  I don’t believe the contractor spoke english, and he was playing on that in a way that was racially degrading.  I communicated to the contractor that we had elevators and he walked away from the elevators.  It wasn’t only that he was disrespectful to the man, it was that he didn’t have any business talking to him about the elevator.  He’s being paid to bring mattresses and box springs to the room.  The Senior Installer and myself were in charge of the elevators.  

The third point is subjective.  The CO told everyone he was ordering pizza and buying soda for lunch.  This individual made a special request for electrolyte juice.  There’s nothing wrong with that, do what you’re going to do to get what you can out of the situation.  But, at the same time he’s buying you lunch and drinks, be appreciative of what is being offered.  

The fourth point is he came in from a break smelling like he just got through smoking all the weed.  Which is a bad look whether you’re on a job or not.  This is subjective, but it still produces a negative feeling.  I often smoke weed at work too, but when I do, I use hand sanitizer on my hands, spray cologne, and use eye drops so I never have the appearance of being high at work.    

Finally, I was unloading box springs from the elevator and he was positioning box springs to bring to the rooms.  He asked if we could use the door people’s cart that had two doors on it.  I told him no it’s the door guys cart.  He said can we use it anyway?’  I said no.  He said something to the effect of what if I ask them? I told him just to bring the mother fuckers down the hallway like they been doing.  Then he said I’m going to ask them.  From there my voice reflected the anger of him pushing the issue and I began yelling at him.  Not casual yelling but yelling aggressively with fury.  We went back and forth for a little bit and then left it alone.  At lunch break I grabbed some pizza and went outside.  When I came back he and his brother went outside.  Then I walked to my car to smoke a cigarette and they called me over, we talked, and left one another’s company on good terms.  

If we reduce it to him wanting to ask the contractor to use the cart with no context then it appears that I over reacted.  Although even if we did reduce it to that incident I didn’t necessarily overreact because his insistence on using something I told him we couldn’t use is basically telling me to go fuck myself in not those words.  However, if it wasn’t for the negative feelings I experienced which all contributed to an assignment of value to him, I probably wouldn’t have become as angry and as aggressive with him as I was.  It was interesting looking back and identifying his actions, the feelings they produced, why those feelings were produced, and how those assignments influenced my behavior towards him later in the day.  

The following day, other than an allegation from another coworker about a person he was working with, he performed well without a problem on a day when most of the temps worked like shit.  

3/2021 Break 1

The work project in DFW is at a pause because  we are unable to finish until others finish and furniture and fixtures arrive.  I have a break from the funding aspect of my aspirations to apply time to those aspirations themselves. 

The last week was difficult for me for a few reasons, not the least of which was having a roommate but it’s difficult to complain about a free room from the company when you are without one.  He was almost completely accommodating other than some intended or unintended disturbances.  One of which was eating Cheez-Its while I was trying to sleep.  It was more of an irritant that I didn’t have standing to say anything to him.  How can I tell him he can’t eat if I’m sleeping?  On another occasion he shut off the fan, and I asked him to turn the fan back on because I don’t want to listen to that do do do do doot shit, describing the sound the buttons on his phone was making and notifications. 

Other than that and his spitting (chewing tobacco) he seemed to make every effort to be accomodating.  Shower, lights, temperature, and the socializing we did was typically entertaining.  The last night we were there the Chief of Operations dropped a pair of underwear by our door.  Using a Panda Express napkin and after melting a hershey almond candy bar on it I placed it in front of his door.  It was much funnier thinking about it than doing it, but I couldn’t not do it after enjoying the idea as much as I had. 

There was a coworker who I socialized with that I had a falling out with so to speak, or we fell out of one another’s favor is more accurate.  It was about work.  Towards the end he began to half ass it which creates more work for me and I joked about it initially, and then I got on him about it as I saw it.  Yes, we all make mistakes and overlook things, but I’ve seen the way he works, so I know he’s capable of greater consistency, so the poor performance seems intentional.  Regardless of whether you saved me money on contacts, or I  paid extra for small sacks (of marijuana) which helped out both you and me, I don’t work with you when you’re intentionally creating more work for me.  After thinking he was damaging the window opening trying to fit tight sills when we can cut them to fit, I told him to go see the Chief of Operations about caulking.  He didn’t damage that particular opening the way I thought he did because I saw the same damage in another location and I texted him that.  I told him he could still go see the Chief of Operations because he was slowing me down.  Yes I’m paid hourly but I wanted to get to this break. 

The last two days I was somewhat distracted by this situation.  We were cool though, blowing trees, looking out on beverages, joking, talking shit, and he kind of reminded me of people I grew up with, nobody in particular just his general values and mannerism. 

Over the course of that job it was like 90% cool people there.  The whole 1st week crew was solid, even the one who had quirks and paranoia but worked hard and was cool to be around in short durations, which suited a work environment that consisted of a lot of motion. 

My car shakes at higher speeds, but strangely, it will sometimes not shake at some higher speeds.  Under 65 I’m usually good and at low speeds there is no shaking.  I thought it may have been a wheel bearing.  My strut was also bad so I had the strut replaced, and the following morning I had them replace the other strutt and the wheel bearing.  Same issue. 

I initially thought he changed the wrong wheel bearing.  Since the new wheel hub comes with the studs I removed a lug nut to see which studs appeared newer.  The old studs looked newer because the new spindle wheel hub had black studs.  I went back furious and he showed me the new hub was installed on the correct side. 

He did point out that I had an oversized tire on the back.  I asked if he had a used tire in my size. 

What’s fucked up about this is the day before when I had them change the strut, I also bought a tire from Walmart because the front right tire was badly worn.  I asked him if he had a used tire to replace the oversized one in the back.  He said he had one he’d sell me for 35 dollars.  I didn’t look at the tire because to that point he had installed everything on my car correctly, and gave me a deal on the price, while I had just created something of a scene at his shop and suspected him of doing something incorrectly.  I didn’t feel bad because I had reasons to suspect it, but I did want to acknowledge that I was wrong, so I was very apologetic. 

The point being, I looked at the tire after leaving and stopping for gas and thought damn, I should have looked at that tire.  Today I thought what if that mother fucker only had 1 in my size because he was reselling that worn out tire?  I went back out and inspected the tire and it is the same Michelin tire I paid $5 to have disposed of that he sold back to me for $35.  I don’t know if he knew this since he wasn’t the one who did it, but that’s what he did. 

I already gave him a 5 star review with the comment Great prices, great quality, and fast service.  I’m not going to  add the tire to my review because outside of this I think the description is still accurate.  And I feel deserving for the way I expressed my suspicion. 

I’m going back to Vegas because I haven’t received my title so it is the only place I can register my car.  Hopefully I’ll pass emissions.  No check engine light but my service airbag light comes on periodically. 

I began reading a draft of the Clean Future Act.  In what I’ve read it is cap and trade legislation.  There will be a gradual decrease in the amount of allowable emissions and companies who invest in renewable energy generation, storage, grid, or carbon capture will receive credits that can be sold to those who exceed allowable levels.  There are some subsidies in the bill but the spending is insignificant.  I suspect if it passes there will be follow up bills with much more spending to line the pockets of industry.  Of course there is still the usual, applying public funds to pay for research that will belong to private companies.

1st, the goal of a carbon free economy by 2035 is not realistic.  There are limits on manufacturing capability if it was a top priority which clearly it isn’t, and there is an ever increasing demand for energy including fossil fuels.  Is the transportation sector considered part of the economy?  A modest effort to address climate change isn’t much of an effort at addressing climate change.  If we reach 2 degrees Celsius by the end of the century, the impact will be about the same as if we avoided reaching 2.2 degrees Celsius because of cap and trade and an efficiency regulatory approach. 

I supported Sander’s 2 trillion dollar idea to build all the infrastructure and place it under the management of the power marketing administrations.  My twist was to sell the power to the utility companies 1: because they have the highest level of expertise in the maintenance and distribution of power.  2 because it prevents the government from controlling the price of power.  3 because it is a public asset, the proceeds of which may fund the public interest. 

My modification to Sander’s plan would be to charge an amount for the power generated that provided for building additional infrastructure to keep pace with rising demand, and to subsidize the cost of power to low income people.  

Under Obama there was about $300 billion spent on renewable energy subsidies.  If Obama would have applied that to the Sanders plan, $300 billion covers about 16% of the cost of generating all power from renewable energy including upgrading transmission and storage.  Had those funds been applied to the Sanders plan the public would own 300 billion dollars worth of power generating assets, and those power generating assets could have made money in the last 5 years that could have been reinvested into manufacturing and installing more renewable energy power generating assets. 

Both R&D and construction projects the bills states can be used to justify raising rates.  The public is going to pay, the same as the public is presently paying in states that have used a similar approach to reduce emissions.  If you google cost of electricity by state, you’ll find the consumers who pay the highest for electricity are in the states that are most committed to a regulatory approach to producing renewable energy.  This is because mandating energy efficiency or renewable production always includes raising consumer rates, regardless of whether the effort is already subsidized.  

My main concern is the creation of this new carbon credit market and how it will influence the production and distribution of energy. 

The value of the carbon credit will be determined by the amount of emissions.  To lower the value of the carbon credit emitters can reduce emissions.  Imagine a situation where fossil fuel generators cut people’s power citing the regulatory environment in an effort to drive down the cost of credits?  That’s one example of market manipulation and a potential consequence.  I’ve only read about 70 pages, I’d like to read the rest of the bill and write more thoroughly on the subjects and include citations for energy demand growth, and manufacturing constraints.  At some point I should, but I’m too preoccupied with other shit. 

I’m going to drive and get a hotel for 2 days before I go to Vegas to smog and register my car. 

I’m most concerned with finishing up my SCA presentation, practicing it, and finding people to try to teach and record.   

Right now I’m at the worst fucking rest stop in New Mexico.  There are roundabouts at the off ramps and the rest area is hidden 3 turns after the roundabout.  I had to piss just about as bad as I’ve ever had to piss.  I finally find this mother fucker and the bathroom I pull close to is closed.  It’s actually pretty nice, New Mexico has nice landscape, and this rest area has nicely separated picnic areas with grills. 

I saw the word ego painted on I believe a rock in blue driving along I40.  The word is generally associated with a person’s degree of pride in themself, what I refer to as self worth.  People who appear egotistical are often viewed negatively.  Eastern religions attempt to break their egos and western religions promote humility. 

The ego cannot be broken, only channeled and hidden.  The outward appearance is masked but the ego remains.  The individual takes pride in outwardly denying their pride and these acts fuel their self worth since the denial is a valued act by themselves and others.  The buddhist who fasts and meditates for 24 hours feels pride in himself (ego) for enduring what he has endured even if he doesn’t express that pride outwardly.  The same as the Christian who does a good deed in secret, this fuels his ego even if it isn’t outwardly expressed. (Although some of this is an increase in self worth through image promotion, where the idea that being obedient to their deity causes the deity to like them more which causes them to feel good about themselves.) 

The ego is never broken, just channeled.

I don’t know if I’ve written this elsewhere but I explained what meditation is to a woman who responded to one of my CL ads to learn my material.  Mood describes our general feeling at a given time.  How we feel is a product of what we perceive in our environment, our thoughts, and our feelings and the cycle between these. 

What we think about determines how we feel, but the introduction of something into our environment changes our feelings while bypassing our thoughts.  Finally, how we feel influences the kind of thoughts we have and how we perceive our environment.  It is a cycle, but the chief among these three is our thoughts. 

Meditation that involves efforts to focus on breathing, or to think about nothing, or to focus on tranquil ideas is essentially resetting mood by blocking out concerns about objectives and impediments. 

Other meditation such as prayer influences mood by producing positive feelings in the false belief that the effort represents progress towards achieving objectives. 

Lastly, the embrace of the ego if it is rooted in the value of truth is key to breaking free from self deception.  It is self honesty, acknowledging what you are, how you perceive yourself, and asserting your values and worth.  The concept of ego is pride in self or self worth.  To deny your ego is to shift your self worth into something that is not overtly observable, but it is still present. 

I changed the CV axle.  I wasn’t going to but I need to know that this wasn’t the problem.  Since I know the wheel bearing and axel are sound at least I don’t need to worry about losing the wheel itself should one of those parts fail.  I have a vehicle that I shouldn’t exceed 70mph.  

My daughter’s mother just received my title in the mail.  She overnighted it to me which gives me a new option to consider and also means I don’t need to go to Vegas.  The question is, do I sell the car because it shakes over 70mph, or do I keep it? 

— 

I didn’t go to Vegas.  Instead I returned to DFW.  As I drove back I began to notice the source of the vibrations was coming from the drivers side but must have been vibrating across the drivetrain to make it feel as if it was coming from the passenger side.  I was optimistic because I still had the wheel bearing I ordered from carparts.com. 

That part sat at a fedex location for 4 days and didn’t move.  When it arrived late a representative from the company said it was a pleasure doing business with you.  That comment pissed me off because it was not a pleasure for me.  Since the package did not arrive prior to me leaving for Vegas I bought a wheel hub from the part store that retailed for $137.  I paid to have it installed because I was in a hurry, and installed it on the wrong side because the vibration seemed to come from the passenger side. 

With that said it was fortunate for me that the delivery was delayed.  I arrived in DFW last night and stopped at the hotel I was staying at and picked up the wheel hub.

After picking up the wheel hub I went to see my friend in Temple.  I needed a drink, relaxation, and some sexual stimulation. 

This morning before I left I asked her if I could change my wheel hub in her driveway.  She said I could but I decided not to.  1st because it was 8am on a Sunday and I didn’t know how much banging would be involved in knocking the axel through the hub and breaking the hub loose from the knuckle.  It’s some asshole shit to be banging at 8am on a Sunday.  2nd, I didn’t want her to think I only came to hang out with her because I needed a place to work on my car.  I enjoyed her company, especially the physical aspects of it.  I didn’t want her to feel used for anything other than that, which was a mutual exchange.

I went to the northbound rest stop on I 35 about 20 miles north of Waco.  Pulled the tire, removed the caliper, the mounting bracket for the caliper, the abs clip, the axel nut and then drove the cv axel spline through the hub.  I went to loosen the hub bolts and snapped my socket converter.  The converter changes the 1\4 inch drive to fit a 3\8 ratchet.  I had to put everything back together and go to Walmart.

At Walmart they don’t sell single sockets.  I was going to steal a 13mm 3\8th inch drive socket from a set but I couldn’t get the socket off of the holder, and it was a pretty popular isle during the time I was in it.  I didn’t want to spend $20 on it but in hindsight I probably should have because I need another 3\8th drive ratchet.  Instead I bought another pack of converters. 

I could furnish more details but the point is I changed the hub in Walmart’s parking lot.  When I got on the freeway most of the vibration was gone.  I do probably still need to replace the ball joint\control arm on the passenger side, but the wheel hub on the drivers side probably needed to be changed.

I was fortunate to receive the package late because had I received it on time, I would have put it on the passenger side.  After it didn’t correct the problem and I replaced the cv axle on the passenger side it’s very unlikely that I would have bought a wheel hub from the parts store and replaced the driver’s side. 

 On my phone newsfeed I saw a headline that read 4th stimulus.  My first thoughts were the consequences to the value of the dollar within the United States, where the 3 previous stimulus due to the broad distribution already promise to drive inflation in the coming years.  Ilan Omar and AOC have proposed recurring $2000 per month monthly payments. 

1st, this is campaigning by career minded politicians to stimulate their base, where they can have the appearance of being radical progressives for proposing such a preposterous allocation.  They make a living proposing ideas they cannot pass that often have insignificant consequences to the people they claim to represent and sometimes, as is the case here, negative consequences.  For their supporters they can use these press releases to tell poor people Omar and AOC want to give you $2000 per month.  The truth is Omar and AOC want to maintain a six figure income for performing often false political rhetoric the same as Sanders has for 30 plus years. 

The level of negativity on the first point is determined by the qualifications for such a stimulus.  Is it anyone making 80k or less individually, couples making 160k, or single parents making 120k, qualifications that represent 90% of the population?  These were the qualifications for the Biden stimulus.  If it were the same this would drive inflation the same as the previous stimuluses, because it doesn’t change the proportion of money held by the bottom and the top, it just changes the proportion of money in circulation to the amount of goods and services, which causes money to be less valuable.

2nd, if a person can count on $2000 per month, they’re less inclined to pursue income opportunities.  It isn’t as if this $2000 is going to be used for much else other than consumption.  This is why I support the balance stimulus providing a 1 time lump sum payment that an individual can use to improve their income opportunities, and the qualifications will not significantly add to inflation because it changes the proportion of money held by the bottom 50% compared to the top 50%.  Enabling access to the market by the bottom 50% who didn’t previously possess the means to participate in decisions of production, where the sum is large enough (between 10k and 30k) to start a business, among other income increasing facilitation. 

The other consequence is that many people will quit their jobs.  That isn’t altogether bad.  In the short term it is bad because it slows growth if companies are looking to expand or create new business and they are unable to find employees.  However, for the poor this can be a good thing because then companies will increase wages to attract workers.  This is the same rebuttal to the criticism of the balance stimulus when it is suggested that low income people receiving a lump sum will quit their jobs. 

The progressive stupidity of giving people $2000 a month isn’t likely to prevail and the creators of the idea know this.  It’s for campaign purposes only and if it did pass it would not be a good thing for the economy or for the poor. 

(story omitted)…words cannot objectively produce feelings.  10 people may hear the same word, sentence or paragraph, 3 offended, 3, indifferent, and maybe 4 experience positive feelings.  The point being, it is the hearer’s values and perception that produces the feelings, and it may not even be the intent of the speaker for them to feel that way.  If the hearer doesn’t want to feel that way they can avoid the presence of the individual (says perhaps the most alone person on this planet lol), or they can change their values and how they perceive words.  Sensitive ass mother fuckers. 

Of course there can be consequences so the speaker has to be prepared to deal with those consequences when one of these sensitive mother fuckers is offended.  I’m not immune to being a sensitive mother fucker in some contexts, but often those contexts occur because a situation is escalating from some moral offense. Still, morally there is no obligation to censor to prevent offense. 

(story omitted) …A mask is the greatest reminder of human stupidity in this country.  Using  data that is not in dispute I’ve demonstrated that the same people who have a risk for severe outcomes for the flu have a risk for severe outcomes with covid.  With about 20 minutes of time, a critical mind to ask the right questions, and a simple understanding of basic arithmetic, a person can arrive at the correct conclusion.  Now yes there are risks for the extremely sick and extremely elderly, and the ultra rare anomalous deaths of healthy people the same as with the flu.  Instead of people developing an understanding of the virus they allow vague opinions that imply great danger to form their perception of the virus.  If you don’t wear a mask, social distance, and isolate yourself during flu season, there is no reason to do so for the protection of self and others for covid. 

I was excited to see a weekly available for 239.  When I called they had extra fees where it comes out to over 350 per week.  It’s hard for me to spend that kind of money.  I was also upset because they charge you a $150 deposit, and then keep $50.  If you’re keeping $50, put it on the front for the cost of the room.  I guess you.save 4 or 5 dollars in taxes on it but it’s bullshit.  $50 cleaning fee when you’re paying somebody probably $12 an hour to spend a half hour or less cleaning it. 

It’s just very hard for me to spend money when I don’t have money coming in.  Yet I don’t think I can achieve the productivity I want to achieve in the next 2 weeks trying to prepare my presentation living out of my car. 

I’ve responded to an ad or two about people renting rooms and posted an ad looking for a room with no responses yet.  I can pay 150 to 200 a week.  I don’t want to pay 350 per week. 

I haven’t written here for a while.  I did spend 335 dollars on a hotel for a week.  I thought it would increase productivity and it did.  I registered my car and this cost me about $350 dollars.  When there was snow on the ground I knew my ball joint was bad.  Instead of changing the ball joint I fixed things that did not need to be fixed.  Well I guess the struts were bad and so was the left wheel bearing although when I took it off it didn’t seem bad.  But the passenger wheel bearing and CV axle did not need to be changed.  I’m lamenting that cost.  As well as the cost for not looking at the tire I paid $40 for which was the $5 I paid to have it disposed of and the $35 I paid to buy it back a day later when he pointed out that my back tire was too big. 

I was camping in Oklahoma for 4 days playing poker.  There was a lot I considered while playing poker and for the first 3 days most of it was very dark.  I wrote some of it here but deleted it.  A lot of woe is me fuck the world type shit that isn’t very beneficial to what I hope to accomplish.  However, if I count the emotions produced by these thoughts and general stress as contributors to an idea I had then it was a productive outing.  I had to say come on O being on that bullshit.  You’re stressed because you’re always trying to move faster than you can move with what you got, and lack of progress and difficult circumstances conspire to paint this dark picture.  It’s true that the conclusions you’re reaching at the moment are an honest assessment of your present circumstances, but it isn’t productive to dwell on that.  Some of that is just what I’m telling myself now, but I realize I can’t launch myself without some degree of stability.  At the moment I felt like “O” you’ve been acting like a real bitch the last few days. 

A few days ago I saw a clip of a video.  It may have been old but the content is what is relevant.  It was a farmer in AL seemingly complaining about a shortage of illegal immigrants.  He said when white people work for 75 dollars a day they don’t work as well as immigrants.  This farmer, whatever his income actually is, didn’t look like he made much more than $75 a day. 

In considering what seems like a genuine situation where the price of tomatoes is too low to support livable wages, I thought of an idea to market a product to increase cost and gain the favor of the consumer.  The idea is to put the dollar per hour amount of the lowest paid employee by the company on the product.  If you have someone earning $75 for a 10 hour day, you have a tomato marked 7.5, or you have another tomato that’s marked LPE 15 or 20, but the tomato is 20 cents more which tomato will most people choose?  Most are going to pick the tomato that costs more, because they know their purchase is contributing to better wages for the workers to take care of their family.  It’s an easy solution to increasing income in the country.  That doesn’t replace the need for Centers for Economic Planning or a Balance Stimulus, but will increase workers wages, lead to a greater market share and profits for the companies who employ the tactic and will lead to greater economic growth by increasing the purchasing power of the consumer.

1/2021 Texas/DFW

I couldn’t find work in Austin so I looked in the DFW CL and found a person who was advertising a few weeks of work at a new hotel construction.  I left for DFW to take advantage of that opportunity to make money to change my timing chain.

I would like to be writing something of substance right now, but my days are occupied with menial tasks in a job to make money. The work is easy and the people are cool.

As I mentioned in the gamble continued, I completed the interview in Austin. There’s about 2 hours of footage and at least some of it should be usable. The documentarians only intend to use a very small portion and said they’d send me the rest, so I will be posting portions as soon as that’s done.

I missed a sexual opportunity this weekend but maybe not. The chic I was texting with on the dating app told me she stopped drinking. I asked why and she said it caused her to make some stupid and bad decisions. I joked that I wanted to be her first stupid and bad decision of 2021. She said as long as I wasn’t lame in the sack she wouldn’t regret it. She said she smokes weed and I confirmed that I did too. Afterwards she said we could do that if I need an icebreaker.

I figured her for a 2 but that comment made me think she might have been a 3. I explained the numbers as it relates to my investment of time.

1: is looking for a man’s attention, devotion, and time, which adds to her self worth, covers her insecurities, and gives her good feelings from the perception that she is achieving progress towards her idea of happiness. A woman’s and even men’s idea of happiness typically contains a spousal figure. The woman usually molds the man into the character of her fantasy. Many men seem to pursue a mother figure, who will impose limitations on their behavior and socially this is an idea that’s promoted that “she’s the boss”. I typically avoid the type ones because it’s an investment of time that doesn’t yield what I’m looking for which is socializing and sex without expectations of a mutually exclusive future. Values are different.  

2: I’m usually aiming at category 2s. 2s want to socialize, be entertained, establish some comfort with you and then get smashed. If we both enjoy ourselves we’ll do it again.

3s: Are women who are very content with their life and are just looking for sex. They’ll meet you exclusively for sex. Very rare but they are out there.

After explaining this to her to see if she was trying to 3 or trying to 2, She responded that I got it all figured out and said I go from city to city hollering at local girls on dating apps.

I explained to her that I usually only mess with one woman in an area, and went on to tell her that I maintain good standing with the 2s I meet. I still talk and text with the chic in Denver and in Seattle, although they’re probably growing inpatient with me.

The chic from Seattle (Michelle) wanted me to come stay with her for a little while. She offered to help me get out there with her stimulus money. I’d have spent a weekend with her drinking and doing freaky stuff which is what she wanted. The problem of course was I didn’t have the confidence in my car to make it out there and then make it somewhere else to be productive.

I was planning on seeing the chic in Denver after I fixed my water pump and left Vegas. 1, because I can make money in Denver, and 2: because I can probably promote my material in Denver, and most importantly, it moves me away from the west coast and that is important to me.  My car wasn’t running well enough for me to be confident that I wouldn’t get stuck out there, and of course now I know I need to change the timing chain. 

She may have still been a 3, but lost interest because I implied that I don’t wear condoms. I don’t, I pull out to avoid babies and I avoid women with risky lifestyles (typically needle users) to avoid STDs. The only significant stds are hiv and herpes where the rest can be cured with a pill. I’m also someone who has never had an STD, and never produced a baby on a pull out which I’m disciplined in performing. Even contracting herpes just means you’re limited to sex with other people who have herpes, so you kind of enter an exclusive sexual market. Lol. It could have been the condoms if she was a 3, because if she was a 3 nothing I wrote would have mattered.

Otherwise she was an undercover 1 and didn’t like the idea that at some point I may refer to her as the Dallas chic.

She may have been a 2 who mistook my honesty for someone who is overtly full of himself and didn’t think she’d enjoy herself in my presence.

I won’t know, but I was disappointed that she was already willing, and keeping it real went wrong. Maybe it did and maybe it didn’t if it was about condoms. The last chic I got up with in Milwaukee was cool and I would have seen her a few more times before I left but she was adamant about condoms. After the first time I wasn’t going to go back because of the condoms thing. There was a moment when her head game was really good. We talked and I went back to exchange oral. Of course she bait and switched me and was delivering some mediocre head unlike what she did the first time I was there. I had to hit it again with a condom. My performance was much better so the second encounter was gratifying to my ego, but I never went back to her again because I don’t like condoms. Still, she was cool chic outside of that socially.  

My planet fitness membership for the gym in Vegas can only be canceled in person or by certified mail. I thought it made more sense to upgrade my membership to be able to use all PF locations since even if I cancel this membership and get a new one, I have to pay the 40 dollar annual fee and would probably have to pay it again if I get a new membership for a different location. Unfortunately it won’t allow me to upgrade, probably because I had the multiple location membership years ago and stopped paying it. I went to the gym almost everyday for about a month before leaving Vegas and my strength and shape just began to return.

I have the money to rent a room but it’s difficult to justify the expense of $150 to $200 per week when I’m only making $500 a week or so and I don’t know what the situation is going to be like in consideration of the last 2 rooms I’ve rented. I’m thinking I can get a hotel Saturday for $40 to relax and refresh. That’s what I intended to do and then have the POF chic come over, and hopefully I can find a replacement before then.

Otherwise maybe I’ll shower twice a week at a pilot and rent a cheap hotel once per week until I finish this job. I may have to get a gym membership but I also need time to continue developing lessons and writing my material as a book. I still need to figure that out.

I still need to change my timing chain and I’ll probably also change my headgasket since I’ll be most of the way there. My car runs cool which is an indication that the headgasket isn’t healthy and the car was probably driven overheated by the previous owners because of the water pump. I have a friend who lives about an hour from here who told me he’d let me use his driveway to do it.

Still a mess, trying to work through it and hoping this car stays running until this job is over and I can change the chain.

Last night while I was in a parking lot a person moved quickly past my car and it appeared he had a gun in his hand. Upon further inspection it was actually his cell phone, where the light from the phone at a blurred glance appeared as reflective metal.  It was interesting to me because unless you see a cell phone appear as a gun it can be difficult to imagine a cell phone appearing as a gun.

-‘

I had a few thoughts concerning Covid 19 after a pawn shop owner asked me if I had a mask. He was actually the second pawn shop owner enforcing a mask policy. I visited a pawn shop the previous day with the same result. Same result in terms of the item I was seeking and enforcement of a mask policy. Years ago I bought a Milwaukee drill from a pawn shop for about $40, but these pawn shops in Texas are selling used shit at damn near retail prices.

In addition to these pawn shops, the Walmart whose parking lot I temporarily call home (lol) had security at the door who informed me I have to wear a mask in the store.

While this may seem standard, previous establishments in the Dallas FortWorth area did not ask me to.

For the first few days I thought I was in Texas.

A place where liberty asserts that each individual can decide their own risk so long as in doing so they don’t increase anyone’s else’s risk of an undesirable outcome.

Where people have the common sense to understand which segments of the population are at risk for a severe outcome if infected with the flu, and can understand when another virus creates the same symptoms across the same segments of the population that this virus is of comparable strength, the distinction being that covid is more contagious, and the flu is more dangerous to children. 99% of the population will experience varying degrees of sickness and recovery, while less than 1% of the sickest people, typically those with about a year left to live will die if infected.

I thought Texans had the common sense to reason that if we didn’t take excessive measures to protect the weakest members of the population from the flu who will die if infected, it doesn’t make sense to take excessive precautions to protect the vulnerable portion of the population from a virus of roughly equal strength.

I thought maybe Texans could see that these restrictions are a product of the exaggerated danger being peddled to serve the interests of the media, in attracting attention to their broadcasts since danger creates concern, concern attracts attention, and the media makes more money the more attention they attract.

This exaggerated danger is peddled by politicians because 1: it presents an opportunity for them to improve their image to the public through the presentation of concern and compassion which are qualities that are valued by the public; albeit more in idea than in practice. 2: because the exaggerated danger and restrictions serve the interest of certain industries, who are their donors, friends, and the ultimate deciders of public policy.

I thought maybe Texans might be able to understand how those who are involved in the study of viruses whose opinions control the minds of the masses have an interest in the opportunity to be in the spotlight and feel important by exaggerating the danger. Especially since the media selects experts to provide opinions based on how that expert’s opinions fit the narrative that achieves the highest ratings. Experts who are paid to tell you objective truth are contaminated by moral ideas that if they present the virus as being more dangerous their interpretation could save someone’s life, or more likely extend it by 1 to 12 months as they linger in this world in diminished capacity. 

Forget about my misconceptions concerning Texas. I thought that as depraved of integrity that this country was founded on and has proceeded with, that the rule of law would still protect the liberty that the founders embedded in the constitution, afforded to all people to protect themselves from the republic they were creating.

I thought someone involved in law would recognize that a precedent invoking the use of emergency power to allow the public to protect itself from a virus with a 30% random fatality rate, is much different than a virus with a less than 1% fatality rate that is not randomly deadly and only kills the weakest members of the population. More importantly, I thought the courts, with intelligent people who understand basic arithmetic would be capable of weighing the evidence quantitatively, as opposed to allowing opinions about the evidence to be the evidence. That’s the most disheartening aspect of the covid insanity, because all we have is the courts, and if we’ve lost the courts as clearly we have, there’s no limit to the tyranny that can be unleashed on an ignorant public to serve the powerful interests in this country.

My experience is limited to the DFW area and has exceeded my expectations so far in the limited interaction that I’ve had with people.

On tour bus tales I heard a story about a famous country songwriter. He was with his newly divorced ex wife at a bar I think shortly after breaking his neck. There was a man who was interested in his ex wife and was berating him. He was patient with the man, but the man perceived his patience as him being weak or afraid and eventually crossed a line and the writer had to let him know. The man wielding a knife challenged him to a fight in the bathroom. The writer walked into the bathroom and shot him in the face but did not kill him.

The country song writer claimed the man grabbed a gun before he went into the bathroom, but there was no gun. It just sounds better in court to say you shot a man in the face who had a gun as opposed to shooting a man in the face who only had a knife. To me there isn’t much difference because if he doesn’t shoot him he’s going to be subjected to great bodily harm or death with a knife the same as with a gun.

More interesting to me is the jury found him not guilty. It was the right decision. Why? Because here is a man with a woman he just divorced with a gun in his pocket who allows the man to get away with effectively bullying him, and did not seek a confrontation with the man nor did he try to intimidate or use the weapon to harm him. There is no intent to cause any harm. Only after the other man escalates the situation and the country song writer is stuck between relinquishing his dignity or facing down an able bodied man with a knife who he had no intention of harming does he fire a shot to protect his person and dignity. I liked Texas for that outcome.

What I liked even more than this is the man who was charged with beating to death the pedophile who molested his son. A jury found him not guilty.

While there are many crimes, even most crimes, that are necessitated by circumstances or are laws that impose more imposition than they prevent which is immoral, sex crimes do not. Sexual assault, well actual sexual assault (actual being forced sexual act not an unwanted touch from someone who didn’t know his or her advance was unwanted) is without justification. Outside pedophilia sexual assault is unjustifiable because any sexual desire can be fulfilled by supplying a person with something of enough value for them to participate in that sexual act with you. Whether it be their desired behavior from you, money, or some other material you can gain through an investment of time.

As harm goes I have no sympathy for those who harm children. Although the pedophile has no outlet for his desire, there is no room for the expression of his desire because it is inherently harmful or imposing.  The bigger problem is that your value of the act is greater than your value of a child’s well being, where the act feels better than what should be the low you experience in the idea of harming a child. I don’t have a problem with you being beaten to death even if the law hasn’t caught up to the severity of the offense.

More unfortunate for the pedophile is that assistance to change his values is limited to psychology that doesn’t acknowledge objective morality or how the mind perceives reality as objects in motion, and creates assignments to these objects of cause or effect, true or false, right or wrong, and value as measured in the feelings that objects in motion produce, to determine the motion of the being. They don’t understand the subconscious processing of the decision making process, or cycle of mood. Unfortunately it would be up to him to change his values. Still I like the sentiment that if you harm children we will kill you.

A conflicting conclussion is I think many non-pedophilia sexual assault and especially sexual harrassment incidents are overblown.  In general, even for legitmate cases of sexual assault which are unjustifiable, the impact and significance is overblown.

Victims are exploited by groups and media personalities who have an interest in exploiting the person’s experience for material gain. Victims are bombarded with expectations of how they’re supposed to feel and internalize these expectations allowing the incident to be much more significant to their lives than it ought to be. You had probably on average an uncomfortable half hour of life and you allow this experience to define who you are as a person. Of course there is the motivation that comes from the attention they receive and the sympathy and encouragement they receive from others. For some victims indoctrinated ideas about sex itself is responsible for the prolonged mental anguish victims subject themselves to. For many victims the experience becomes an excuse for all their shortcomings. This is a controversial although often true opinion about sexual assault victims, who express about the incident mostly what they’re told they should feel and how significant the effect should be on their life.  They’re surrounded by image promoters who use the person’s experience to show others they’re compassionate through their support of the individual.  

Think about a child who scrapes their knee.  If the parent laughs and jokes about it, or if the parent emphasizes to the child that they’re okay or that they’re tough the child will typically adopt that position on the matter.  The incident becomes insignificant because that’s what the child perceives others as perceiving it.  

Conversely, if the parent dramatizes the incident the child will also adopt that position, will cry excessively, and this is due in part to the child being convinced that the injury is worse than it is which can make it hurt more.  More specifically the child focuses more on the injury and is more aware of the pain.  Secondly it facilitates social ends in perceiving something has happened to them that is worthy of attention.  The child will often solicit the attention of others who will provide that attention.

I’m not reducing sexual assault to a child scraping their knee, and I also find it to be one of the most dispicable crimes because it isn’t a crime necessitated by circumstances.  I do believe people’s interests in victims of sexual assault is responsible for causing the event to more profound and impacting of the individual’s life than it otherwise would be.

I’ve wandered off topic from Covid, but I thought I’d express some of what I liked about Texas, while stating that even Texas has ignorantly given up liberty because the people don’t know how to do a basic comparative risk assessment and instead accept opinion as fact.

It’s about 3pm on Sunday. I purchased a reduced price sandwich at Walmart that proved to be below my very low standards of food quality and taste.

This morning after checking out of the hotel and cleaning out my car I watched a few videos on changing my timing chain, some of which I’ve watched previously. I made a list of the tools I need to change the timing chain that I do not already possess. I’m becoming more familiar with the process and have very few points of uncertainty. After I deposit my check tomorrow I’ll order the parts.

Friday night I went by my friend from Milwaukee (West Allis) had a few drinks and we were going to go out somewhere but it didn’t materialize. At one point I began to try to teach him SCA and he had a structure with 4 pillars which promised to facilitate a symbolic representation of the four subconscious assignments. Unfortunately he was either too drunk or uninterested to grasp or acknowledge the concepts.

Saturday, I rented a room. Being how unsuccessful I’d been trying to pull a POF chic for the night it was unlikely I was going to find somebody on the night. I tried with the expected results using traditional methods.

There aren’t many distinctions between these women.  You can read 1000 profiles so similar you’d think they were written by about a half dozen different people.

Among the popularly valued cliches is no games just keep it real. The problem is women can’t stand to hear real shit. Part of the reason I posted my investment of time categories on my profile is to weed out the crowd of women who can’t stand reality. Lately that net has become more like a barrier.

Most women on dating apps are undercover 2s. They want to go out or hang out, and have sex with you. Despite having this intention, most will not admit to this intention prior to meeting someone. Many of the same ones with the no games keep it real profile cliches.

The difficulty in different approaches, or efforts to 2 through the conversation that develops between message exchanges is these chics have no conversation. Their whole perception of reality is based on a mixture of common misconceptions that funnel their likes into a few different genres of goods and entertainment. They don’t know the difference between a fact and an opinion, they only know the difference between what they like or do not like. They don’t know the difference between consistency and contradiction. Two things can exist in their minds despite one of the things causing the other thing to not be true because the thing causes the person to feel good. In this the subconscious mind likely prevents the conscious acknowledgement of the relationship between the 2 contradictory objects to preserve the value of the objects, which is a function of denial. I’m supposed to be interested in someone whose goals and ideas are based on a perception of reality that is false? 

The most important aspect of intelligence is honesty. If I’m going to hang out with you I at least want you to be able to stomach some real shit, and I also want to know your true intentions. I definitely don’t want to invest time and money into you and you’re on some 1 shit.

I was a little side tracked here in providing explanations, but the point is, I don’t care to go through the typical get to know you process, because there isn’t a whole lot of interesting substance to you. I can lie a little to advance an interest but I can’t lie a lot. Eventually you call it negging, when all I’ve done is told you the truth and probably pulled a couple jokes out of it.

My shortcomings as far as results are concerned whether with women or otherwise isn’t a product of not understanding women or human beings, its a product of integrity where if I have to become something else to get those results there will be a negative feelings resulting from a loss of self worth for mirroring values instead of asserting my own, and depending on the consequence to the woman concerning the deception there would be an additional bad feeling (morally) for using deception. The value of sex is not greater than the negative feeling that will occur for distorting her reality, and not greater than the feelings of maintaining my integrity.

Dating apps for me are like fishing in the fall, you typically make a lot of casts before you get any action(fall fishing may be better in different regions, but fall fishing in Wisconsin is much less exciting than summer fishing). The point is to use the right bait to get the action that you want.

I was only pissed off by one response and mainly because she blocked me after she sent it so I couldn’t respond.

I messaged her 2 days ago asking her if she wanted to get on some 2 or 3 shit with me and have a better night on Saturday than she otherwise would have. I followed this message up by telling her I might be going to a bar later with my guy and if she had plans to kick it with one of her buddy’s (had multiple pictures of her drinking and hanging out with friends) maybe we could meet up. The first message also directed her to read my profile.

This morning she messaged me back that she was good on that BS. Of course I wasn’t on no BS, I was on some real shit and just because she wasn’t on it doesn’t make it BS. I don’t have a problem with her being good on it, there’s a lot of 1s and even more fronting 1s out there.

The issue I had is she sent another message calling me crazy and saying I needed help. I’d contend that she needs help, like help to justify why anything I wrote constitutes craziness. As I’ve provided in this entry, my approach is completely consistent with my values and a solid basis of reasoning. There’s nothing crazy about it but had she not blocked me I was going to ask her what her basis is for calling me crazy? She wouldn’t have been able to provide one that would have met the definition of the word crazy. In fact it would have probably begun with “you think women are” or “will” insert intentions stated or implied from my message or profile. She probably wouldn’t be able to distinguish a fact from an opinion, where the fact that is the meaning of the word crazy would be lost, and her opinions based largely on the difference between my values and hers would serve as a fact to her that she was right that I was crazy.

Women understand the market value of female consent, not monetarily, but the difference in availability between a consenting male and a consenting female. Not to mention the ingrained misconceptions about sex and promiscuity that also contaminate women’s behavior as they seek to promote a conservative image based on social pressures. These social pressures exist as a product of the misconceptions about sex and promiscuity, which have their origins in deities created by man to control men, but also in general societal shaming that tends to be a product of other dislike.  By other dislike I mean a man or a woman may dislike a woman or be jealous of the woman and in the absence of any substantive criticism they’ll say she’s a slut, a ho, or some other derogatory words that represents promiscuity.  Societal pressure also persuades women not to be too openly promiscuous because it may impact their long term relationship goals, where insecure men are less likely to commit to a woman if she is known to have had a lot of previous sexual partners.  

Women, even fat ugly women can find someone to have sex with any day of the week. When I’m talking about a 1, although I described a common form of a 1 in the categories, I’m basically talking about a woman trying to get something more than sex for sex.  It ranges from attention and committment to money and outright prostitution.  In many respects, traditional relationships are indirectly prostitution.  

Anyway, you take enough shots eventually you make one. But it’s a little rough when it’s been awhile since you’ve made a shot.  

I reordered the website promotional cards that were partially distributed in Brookfield, Wauwatosa, Greenfield, and with my greeting cards. In the previous effort the cards failed to attract any worthwhile attention. I need to put together a better website that’s more engaging visually, as well as a better home page, perhaps one asking questions. I suppose I need to put my material together into something that is easier for people to understand. I also need an introductory summary pitch of the material itself, and although it is simple there is a great breadth of subject matter, presentation, and application. One of the things I’m on is a lot of people’s whole purpose.

Idk. I’m finishing out this week, changing my timing chain, and then I’ll figure out what comes next.

Maybe I should have tried to rent a room, but the truth is I didn’t have money for a room last week, albeit there was probably 70 to 100 dollars that I may have been able to trim off my week’s expenses. Even if I did it’s very difficult to justify a $200 weekly expense. Some would consider that a necessity, but I consider it a luxury from this position. I believe I started the week last week with about $500. I paid $60 after paying my phone bill with nearly all spending being investments. Had I rented a room I’d have had to go without shit I needed. This week too I’ve already spent about $250 on parts for my car, gas, and business cards. I still need at least about $40 to $80 in tools.

Even in this, after I change my timing chain I might want to be up, regardless of how much it makes sense to work at least another week or until the job is done and go somewhere to promote or stay here and promote.

Few thoughts I had about my surroundings after work.

I showered at a pilot that was home to a Hitchcock-like flock of birds. More than a 1000. I was worried when they flew overhead because the sheer number of birds made it seem likely that at least 1 might have to shit, and it seemed possible that I was in danger of being shit on. I joked to myself that what they didn’t tell the employees is that at some point if you work there long enough you will be shit on on the trip to your car.  Probably not, but I was calling the probably 2000 birds, a 100,000 birds and thought out of 100 trips there’s a decent chance you could be shit on. I’ve been shit on at least once by a bird and I was beneath more birds on my walk to the pilot than I have been in my entire life cumulatively. Some of those workers have been shit on.

While I was driving from the pilot to this week’s Walmart, a lane was merging from oncoming traffic from the left. I saw a jeep flash his brights. I saw another car that was nearly alongside me as the lane was reducing from 2 to 1. I presume he put his lights on to tell me to speed up. The problem is my timing chain is fucked up and I believe we were on an incline. I can’t speed up. First thing I thought was good mother fucker, that’s why you don’t wait until the last second to merge thinking the guy in front of me will speed up to let me in because the guy in front of you might not be able to speed up. Often more importantly, the guy behind you might not be able to stop quick enough to let you in. Look for opportunities to merge or position yourself to merge before the lane merges and you’re stuck between 2 cars and maybe almost cause an accident. (I don’t know how close he really was but it seemed he was almost on my side as the lane began to narrow.

Thankfully someone I knew who lives near where I’m working was willing to let me use his garage because changing the timing chain is not a job I could have done in the street. Not the first time at least.

I arrived at his house at 8:00am on Saturday. The disassembly began very smoothly until I needed to remove the belt tensioner and the motor mount bracket attached to the engine. I didn’t have a 15mm or an 18mm wrench, only sockets, and there wasn’t sufficient room to fit a ratchet and socket into the space. I gave my friend $20 to purchase the wrenches for me as he was going to Home Depot to purchase a space heater.

Before he returned with the wrenches, I carefully raised the engine to gain access to the bolts. I was apprehensive about raising the engine that high.  I raised it in small intervals to ensure no wires or hoses were being stretched or pinched.

One of the difficulties I was having was positioning the engine to top dead center. I could find it by pushing a screwdriver through the spark plug hole, with the cam marks positioned at 10 and 2 O’clock but I didn’t know how to turn the crank with anything other than the crankshaft bolt, and I couldn’t remove the crank cam sprocket with the bolt on, and I couldn’t remove the crank sprocket for the balancing chain with the bolt on. I also couldn’t remove the crank bolt without turning the engine. I know now that I could have used the harmonic balancer to turn the engine but didn’t think about this at the time. Had I, this job wouldn’t have been half as difficult and stressful as it was.

Around 630 pm, I decided I wasn’t going to change the balancing chain. I replaced the guides but left the sprockets. The chain at some point moved meaning the marks were no longer lined up. This occurred when I was trying to change the sprockets. I was looking for a good stopping point and found it when Randy invited me in for a drink of Johnnie Walker Gold.

We drank the whole bottle. The first sip I had was perhaps the most amazing sip of alcohol I’ve ever had. I told him he was wasting his good alcohol by mixing it with cola, and he said it doesn’t taste that good, it’s no Shamrock shake. I usually drink scotch on ice, but he didn’t have ice and I’m glad he didn’t because JW gold was outstanding at room temperature undiluted.

Somewhere around 10pm, we finished the bottle. Then we took an Uber to uptown Dallas. There were some interesting stories, I had an altercation with some people on the street and with security.

The first place we went was this hotel that had a bar in it he wanted to go to.  We walked into the bar which was a bar/restaurant and we walked right out.  I was uncomfortable because it seemed like a lot of high end people, and when I’m drinking I don’t do well concealing where I came from.  

We walked out and there were 3 women sitting outside the hotel. I think two of them are in hotel robes.  We approached and struck up casual conversations with them.  He sat down on the bench and started caressing the back of this woman’s neck.  She was clearly uncomfortable and visually it looked pretty creepy.  This kind of derailed the whole situation.  One of the women said he was too close, not the woman he was touching one of her friends.  

Maybe a different approach would have worked out better because we were having a good conversation with them before he sat down and started touching her.  The woman who was standing walked away.  She came back and we resumed conversation.  Shortly afterwards hotel staff came and said they had a phone call.  The women all got up and left.  

At some club we went to he had this idea that he was going to buy 4 drinks and we were going to approach two women and give them the drinks.  He ordered 4 long islands.  Eventually we walked up to this table of 4 women and gave them the drinks.  They didn’t want them.  I get it, it’s like which 2 out of you 4 want to get roofied.  Lol.  One woman bought me a shot of a patron.  I hate tequila but I accepted it.  We engaged in some brief conversation but decided to leave.  

He had a real aggressive approach that was uncomfortable to me, but I didn’t care too much.  I wanted to sit down, have a few drinks, chop it up with him, and then we can see who’s looking and make a move from that point.  

We got back to his house about 4am.  

I woke up at 8:30am. I went out to the car and realized I was in a lot of trouble. I already installed the new tensioner on the balance chain and the balance chain was off the marks by many links.


I found a youtube video where a person showed that the tensioner could be reset. His tensioner was for a different vehicle and much different than mine but it showed me that it could be reset. For his, he had to pull the plunger out to reset it whereas for me I had to push it in and turn it to insert the pin. Mine was easier.

Once the tensioner was reset I removed all the guides, the chain, and the sprocket for the crankshaft on the balancing chain. The water pump sprocket, the intake sprocket and exhaust sprocket on the balancing chain I left alone. There wasn’t much wear and once I had the intake, exhaust, and crank sprockets in the correct position I didn’t want to fuck with em. I installed the new balancing chain and it was onto the main chain.

My cams were out of position but my crank was in the correct position. Without the chain on, I used the 24mm wrench to put my cams in the correct position.

Putting the chain on and ensuring the marks were aligned with the colored links wasn’t very difficult except in keeping the crank link in the correct position. The intake cam was the first to go on along with the crank but there was slack between the crank sprocket and intake cam and I needed that slack to get the exhaust cam in the correct spot. I was able to guide that slack up the crank sprocket but it fell and moved the crank link out of position more than once. Irritating.

Eventually I was able to get a few links on the exhaust cam. Then I turned the intake cam to pull the slack between the intake and exhaust cam. I also had to rotate the exhaust cam to get the exhaust phaser\sprocket to sit on the cam shaft.

As I was putting everything back together having not eaten anything the whole day I was thinking about where I was going to eat. After putting the valve cover back on, my friend surprised me with a huge steak. I’d cut a fat piece of the steak and chew it as I put my spark plugs back in. Then get another bite and chew it as I complete the next assembly task.

I was apprehensive about starting the car. When I did it turned over loudly at first and then the idle quickly went low and steady, something I hadn’t heard before.

I was moved emotionally in relief. So much was at stake. If I fucked up I’m fucked. The car right now is not only transportation, but also shelter and the facilitator of my income. In November, I left Milwaukee with $800, a back pack of clothes, and laptop bag. If I can’t start the car I’m back to about $800, the same backpack, and laptop bag. 

When I started the car to leave there was a squeal from the belt. I didn’t think too much of it and it went away when I pulled out. I drove and the car ran better than I could have imagined.

About a mile away perhaps further the battery light came on. I stopped at the nearest gas station and looked under the hood to check the belt. The squeal and the battery light led to the presumption that the belt fell off and the alternator was no longer charging the battery. The belt was gone. I looked under the passenger wheel well to see if I could see it. It was gone and I noticed oil coming from the crankshaft. I presumed I hadn’t tightenend the crankshaft bolt tight enough. The bolt came loose and the pulley came out which caused the belt to fall off.

It was about 9pm and the part stores were closed. I went back to my friend’s house and explained the situation to him. He asked me what I wanted to do. I asked him to spend the night and intended to take a Lift to and from work, buy a belt and tighten the bolt in the morning. I was concerned I may have damaged the gasket on the timing cover that goes around the crankshaft bolt. A lyft was $80 from his house to where I’m working so I asked him if he’d give me a ride in the morning.

I was very upset, an odd feeling of helplessness despite having help, disgusted that my neglect may have just supremely fucked me.

I woke up at about 4:30am. I thought, why go to work and pay an exorbitant amount of money to get back and then fix the car when I could have him give me a ride to the parts store and fix the problem and go to work late? I went to the car, tightened the crankshaft bolt and after replacing the belt I was good.

The whole weekend including going out was mentally and emotionally taxing.

Yesterday I made a mistake I felt kind of bad about. My intentions are typically correct and I usually don’t act without certainty, but yesterday I fucked up and I was bothered by it after work as well as today.

While working this job I was upset about other contractors obstructing the doorways. We’re bringing furniture into the rooms all day and it is aggravating when the door ways are obstructed.

I began putting the materials that were left in the doorways in the bathroom which was the furthest place from where they could be. If I have to move it they have to move it back.

Eventually I found out who was doing it and told them what I was doing and why I was doing it. Basically, if you make shit hard on us we’re going to make shit hard on you, where we both understand that we’re all better off to make things easier on one another. It was funny, one of the contractors told me he went to the truck to get wood because he thought the wood I put in the bathroom wasn’t there anymore. We laughed about it.

In the days following the doorways were cleared and I told our people about the conversation so they wouldn’t put boxes in their work area. I had to move some boxes out of their area put there by our people to do my part.

Things were better but over the past few days I noticed more stuff in the door ways so I started putting that stuff back in the area I thought it came from.

Yesterday I went into a room and the doorway was cleared but we had a couch in a box just past the doorway and we needed to swap dressers. Behind the couch were cabinet materials and other shit. I took those materials and put them in the cabinet work area. I also accidently kicked over a bucket of screws.

Later I felt bad for this. In the moment it felt like shit was put in our way but there was no expectation not to put the materials in other places, so long as the doorway was unobstructed. I felt bad because in hindsight it seemed like someone made the extra effort to keep their shit out of the doorway, and then I made it hard on them after they tried to make it easy on me.

Now, as I think about it, I may have been correct in the moment and wrong retrospectively, since the scrap material was placed in the area where they knew the couch would go. However, the couch still boxed was in the space outside of the doorway where the scrap could be placed without obstructing the doorway.

I rarely feel bad because my behavior is always consistent with my morality, but when I think I fucked up I do feel bad about it. I bring this up as an example of my conscience, because there are not many examples. In fact if I were asked today when was the last time I felt bad for something I did, it would be difficult for me to produce an example.  I mean feel bad morally, not feel bad for a seemingly poor decision, like feeling bad because I thought I purchased a car I couldn’t fix.  

The other day the Chief of Operations brought up a misconception that I’ve heard before, that pants sagging originated from gay people in prison advertising that they were interested in sex. As someone who has been to jail and prison as a juvenile and as an adult I can attest to it being false. Some people in prison sagged, but of the few open homosexuals I’ve been incarcerated with they did not sag their pants. It’s poor advertisement, where most wore tight pants around their waist which naturally provides a better look at their figure (like women) than sagging their pants.

People sag their pants for a variety of reasons, typically style and comfort, but very few if any people sag their pants advertising for a homosexual encounter. A pair of pants worn tightly around the waist is a much better advertisement than sagging.

I have to imagine this misconception probably arose from some effort by white people to criticize urban style and to prevent their suburban, rural, and even urban children from adopting it.

Today I was somewhat put in charge of the other laborers. The main instructions were to ensure that people understood what they were supposed to do and that each person pulled their weight relative to the curve of the crew.

I don’t want anyone to feel like someone else is being paid for the work they’re doing, which is essentially what is happening when 5 people are working and one 1 person is not. Prior to today that hasn’t been much of an issue, the crew has worked exceptionally.

I was told to send anyone down who wasn’t pulling their weight. There was an older gentleman who came late. I explained to him the details of what we were doing and left to perform my share of the work. We all were clearing rooms and he was in one room. One of my coworkers commented to me that the guy was still in the same room. I’d also noticed it and told him I’d talk to him.

I went into the room he was in and told him it’s a fast process. Then I provided the example by clearing the room and bringing a box out of the room and taking it near the point where it would be offloaded. When I returned he was still in the same room for which there was no purpose for him to be in. I told him to go see the Chief of Operations as instructed.

Later it seemed another guy was fucking off as well. After we finished clearing the 5th floor we went to the 4th floor to unbox but it appeared as if there was nothing to unbox so we were going to go to the third floor.

We were missing a guy so I went to the 4th floor to get him. I thought he was behind me but he must have lingered behind. On the 4th floor I saw the Senior Installer and he said there were tables after the hall turned on the 4th floor that needed to be unboxed. The crew and myself began unboxing the tables. We finished the floor and went to the 3rd. The person who was on the 5th floor I told we were going to the 3rd didn’t join us until we were already into the second. He claimed it was a communication issue, but the issue was when I went to get him, he had no business on the floor he was on and should have been with me but instead chose to linger behind.

On the second floor I told him which boxes we were unboxing, luggage benches where there were 2 per box and one went across the hall, and rolling tables. I didn’t know this at the time, but he was unboxing a very large piece of furniture he was not supposed to be unboxing. As a result, we cleared another floor and he completed 2 or 3 rooms. The Senior Installer told him to stick with me but I moved on from him, telling the Senior Installer I’m not going to babysit being on the brink of sending him to the Chief of Operations..

Shortly after the Chief of Operations came to the floor and in conversation I provided him with my observations of the individual’s performance, suggesting that he too may be more of an asset outside than inside.

Once we moved to a different task he was keeping pace and performed quite well. I told him that I might have had the wrong impression of his work ethic and provided him with the explanation for that impression. The rest of the day he performed on par with the rest of us.

The reason I’m writing about this is because of what happened later. I was instructed by the Senior Installer to call the Chief of Operations. I call him the owner despite his wife officially being the owner.

I called the CO and he told me to have the two people who had been with us come with me and meet him upstairs, and for the other two to take a smoke break and meet him in the lobby.

The three of us went upstairs and received our instructions and one of my coworkers came with me to begin our task.

During the time I was upstairs I gave both of them a good review and since I was asked I recommended that both of them return.

When we arrived on the 1st floor they were picking up trash in rooms we’d already cleared. One detail I forgot to mention is the guy I sent out at the beginning of the day was assigned to clean up outside and eventually ended up cleaning on the first floor. I was instructed to have all three of them take a smoke break and wait in the lobby. Since we were near the stairwell and they were on the 1st floor, I delegated the responsibility to them since they were going to the same place and presumably had time to find him since they were told to take a smoke break.

When I saw them I asked one of them if they were available tomorrow since the CO planned on bringing them back. He said I don’t know if I’ll talk to Mark about that. What I presume happened, is they told the other guy what the owner told me to tell them. He probably said I’m working for Mark, I’m not working for him (me), so I’m going to keep working. They agreed that they would ignore the message I relayed and keep working. For 13 dollars, what they gained in working an extra hour they fucked up in our working relationship.

I was pissed off about this, mainly because it implied that I was trying to take the instructions I’d been given and play a role that I wasn’t assigned, or pretended to have more importance than I actually did, and I didn’t do that at all. I’ve had 0 issues in over 2 weeks with anyone I’ve worked with. The exception was an occasion when a person who had insecurity issues and mild paranoia implied I was being insincere to him. I told him to kiss my ass. But we were cool before that and we were cool after that. I was offended by that, because I pride myself in my sincerity.

Whatever the reason was that they didn’t listen to the owner and take a break and then wait for him in the lobby, I now feel like fuck both of them. All day I’m cool, respectful, and don’t say nothing to them unless it’s been told to me by the CO or SI, or I’m making a joke which I often am. The only authority I asserted which really wasn’t even the assertion of authority was when the guy was fucking off or seemed like he was fucking off. The reason being is the rest of the team knows I’m responsible for making sure they’re not carrying someone else’s weight.

I don’t like to write about work but I don’t have time for much else right now.

At the end of the day for whatever reason the SI told me to tell one of my coworkers to see him in the lobby. He didn’t go see him right away he met me in the room where we had our stuff. This of course is a different set of circumstances, where in one situation, instructions are given on how they will proceed while the work day is ongoing, and in the other, we’re going home and we pass through the lobby to do so. It doesn’t make sense from the 2nd floor to go to the 1st to meet the SI then go to the 3rd to get his stuff and then back the 1st to leave.

Dangerously cold weather on Sunday and Monday have forced me indoors. Also the need to relax after fixing my timing chain and to consider my plan moving forward. The two months I spent in Vegas were much slower than this past month leaving Vegas. This month has moved quickly which is partially a product of working the job I’ve been working for almost 3 weeks, and partially based on meeting the demands of my circumstances. This has put distance between the things that are important to me, albeit the allocation of time to those things that I’ve allocated time to has been necessary to position myself to advance my objectives.

Very few people have an interest in reading about things they’re interested in, much less things they have few points of reference for. The main reason the interview I did in Austin was such a train wreck was the immediate circumstances I was faced with, including the absence of weed. Another reason I thought I performed so poorly was because the interviewer wasn’t familiar with my content to ask any questions related to it. I intend to put together an interview as if I was interviewing myself with another person asking the questions.

I would like to do a Sequencing and Comparison video. It can consist of a person providing 10 thoughts or a conversation where SCA can be demonstrated as the underlying functions that produced the thoughts or ideas in the conversation. Where each object’s assignments can be shown.

I have the 3rd lesson with no questions to edit and post which is CVIARP.

After that I want to go through and edit and organize these Texas entries.

I need to consider how I’m going to organize my material and website into something that isn’t just words.

The more pressing issue is where am I going to go and what I’m going to do when this work project concludes?

What a waste of semi comfort. Bovada solicited me with a bonus a day or two prior to me renting a room for 4 days. The bonus was too good to pass up and my 30$ turned to 80$ instantly. A day later I cashed out for 60 dollars. Only a 30$ gain but it only.cost me 10 minutes of time to do it.

There was another bonus I wanted to take advantage of so I moved the money back to get the next bonus. The problem was to withdraw this bonus. There are play through requirements. A mix of playing well with good reads and getting ridiculously sucked out on, and then playing shit cards, making bad reads, and making bad calls and raises because I was pissed off that the one final table I did make it to I was knocked out by consecutive or near consecutive hands where we moved all in and was sucked out on twice on the river to 3 outers. 8th is 45$ and 1st is $1000.

I was also distracted because I thought or may have been double charged fot the room. My transactions on my bank app show a pending charge of 185.84, plus a $50 deposit. Then the hotel charged me again but they claim the 185.84 is just a hold on funds and won’t be taken. The transactions are still pending so I can’t dispute the transactions and won’t know if I’ll have to until it goes through. I was upset about this until Sunday night until I was somewhat reassured I wasn’t being double charged by the 3rd front desk person I spoke to.

I would have felt better had I at least posted balance in morality and lesson 3 CVIARP: Understanding the Points of Action In A Consciously Created Result.

I think what I need to do is hire someone to learn my material. $10 to $15 an hour and I can accomplish a lot in a few hours. Maybe. At least be able to make a video.

I’m back in the car. It’s going to be cold but still in the high teens. The night before I checked into the hotel it was low 20s high teens and I was comfortable.

It is very stupid to critisize the Texas energy grid failure due to the infrequentcy of the event that caused the freezing and bursting of pipes used to supply fuel for electricity generation. If this occurs once every 20 to 30 years why would you spend money to prevent it? I’m not talking about the power companies spending money, I’m talking about the consumers spending money. If the power companies invest billions of dollars to protect against extreme cold that Texas experiences infrequently, that cost is going to be passed down to the consumers. 

1st if the grid were upgraded to protect against extreme cold it is going to be subsidized and on a state budget that money is going to have to come from somewhere. Since 2020 was not a strong year economically it is unlikely that money is available through an increase in tax revenue caused by economic growth. We start with a tax increase. More importantly, if the power companies spend money that cost is going to trickle down to the consumer. Do you want to pay more for energy every month to be protected against an event that you may not see again?

Given the great inconvenience it is to live for days with intermittent electricity, the media and public figures want to attract attention by suggesting this is a problem with the grid and people who they don’t like are to blame.

The hotel staff were correct, my money was refunded. I was asshole for that but it’s really stupid that they hold the price of the room and then charge you again. It appeared as a pending transaction which means the next banking day it will go through. I do apologize to the staff and the things I said about them. If I was being double charged those things are true, but in the absence of being double charged their responses were appropriate.

I’ve been better than I am today. My friend from Milwaukee lives in Plano and asked if I wanted to help him out drinking another 1.75 liter of Johnny Walker Black. I had some articles I was going to edit and post but reasoned that it would be good for me to get out of the hotel, socialize, and break the monotony of this daily grind. I could do the edits in the morning.

Must have been the first time in years I threw up drinking. I was so fucked up that I thought the red hue in my vomit was blood when it was actually the hot sauce I had eaten earlier. I didn’t sleep well and have not felt good all day. 

We were smoking some weed and I expressed my present outlook to my friend. I have this job that is killing me to perform. It isn’t difficult and the pay is better than I will be making doing anything else, but each day of repetitive motion feels like time is running out. I explained to him that I have been indirectly invited to work on an upcoming project in Allentown, PA. Until the last deliveries come I can’t see us having more than 2 to 3 days worth of work remaining based on what we have at the hotel. Maybe we stretch it to 4 or 5 days. Then maybe we have a few days off and have a few days after that.

I’ve posted an ad to pay people $15 an hour to learn my material. I’ve received several responses from interested people.

I have what I believe will prove to be a very effective method for teaching SCA. Basically, I intend to create a functional understanding of the term object, including layers, and then go around the room and have the participant comment on objects. Through those comments SCA will be revealed as all the comments will be a product of the 4 assignments. This will lay the foundation for understanding morality functionally, leading into objective morality, where the decision making process among other topics can be explained and understood.

With this strategy fresh in my mind, where I’ll have the details of the initial lesson and a rehearsal by the end of the week, if not sooner, what do I want to do? I should have close to $1600 after I’m paid on Monday, and if there are 3 to 4 days of work this week I’ll have about $2000. I reduce the pay from $15 to $10 dollars an hour and I can buy 40 hours of teaching time and have about $1600 to float by for a few weeks. I think the division would probably be 5 hours on 8 people. Even 5 people would probably be adequate. If I record the sessions I can write a paper about it and possibly gain funding to continue the research.

I’m still apprehensive about the interview in Austin. There are a number of reasons for my poor performance. Stress from my general circumstances, more specifically living out of a car that could have become nonfunctional at any moment, combined with an inability to make money, and a rushed effort to extract and pitch the most important elements of my material. With this going on I wasn’t appearing as myself, I was appearing as the representative of my material. By that I mean I toned myself down, which is something I do to facilitate comfort for others. I answered questions I wasn’t prepared for very poorly. I was told I would receive the raw footage but he is having difficulties compressing and uploading it. Even with it, it does little to set my mind at ease. There are enough articulate segments to make a video that speaks powerful truth and portrays me in a positive light. I think. There are enough bad parts to make me look like a complete fucking idiot. On my side, he appeared to have a conceptual understanding of much of what I was saying. He’s also a Marxist, which means one of two things to me, 1: He may be committed to communism and then despite my good intentions, sincerity, identification of problems, and ideas that advance human interests, he wouldn’t be an ally because I’m not for socialism. 2: He’s a Marxist because he is for a more equitable distribution of opportunities for people to have time and money. If that’s the case, he’d support me and the only thing I have to worry about is his discretion in what he chooses to use and not to use.

By my friends house yesterday there was a single woman. I failed horribly trying to land her. She was Korean and I don’t think she was feeling my style. When we were on the porch my friend came out and handed me the bottle of Johnnie. I handed her the bottle to make a joke knowing that she wasn’t going to drink it. She declined when I handed her the bottle and I said no I don’t want you to drink it, I was just handing it to you to hold it because I don’t want to hold it. That didn’t land. Later we were in the house and she was sitting next to me and I was getting some friendly touching in that she didn’t seem to mind. I thought she told me she was 28 and she pretended she was offended because she was actually only 25. I commented that her agitation wasn’t real, that it was a product of social expectations to provide the response she’s been conditioned is appropriate based on the stereotype that women are supposed to be sensitive about their age. I also explained that the difference in appearance between 25 and 28 is insignificant. What’s worse is I repeated the age because I thought that is what she said, otherwise I would have probably put her at less than 25 because she thought I was older than I actually am. People 30 and up typically put me in my early 30s, but people who are under 25 can see my age better.

Immediately following this exchange I changed the subject but it was a very poor choice of subjects. I was pretty drunk though and I was interested in seeing how she would respond to an explanation I was told about origins of fake eyelashes. It’s probably not true, but it is true that it was told to me. She had fake eyelashes on and I was told that fake eyelashes became popular in whore houses and were dubbed “Cumbrellas” because it would prevent cum on the prostitutes face from getting into her eyes. She left soon after that story.

Finally, a few days ago the CO was telling a story that led into another story about a young black man who was given a loitering ticket for standing in front of his house without an ID. He told me that the loitering ticket was only $50 but his failure to appear resulted in a $1200 fine that led to the young man having to serve a few weeks in jail for doing nothing other than standing in front of his house.

At the time I was only half engaged in the story, but in my experience failing to appear for citation doesn’t result in any penalty other than a default judgement against the defendant where the defendant is given a certain period of time to pay the ticket otherwise an additional consequence is imposed, the debt either goes to collections, is taken from your tax return, results in jail time, or a suspension of driving privileges. The story seems untrue.

Even if it was true. This is one incident, perhaps the practice of one officer, or maybe even one precinct or department. Even if true it does not represent a standard practice by other police departments in the United States and does not represent systemic racism in policing. If such a policy did exist, and there is some place where they impose a $1200 fine for failing to appear for municipal citation, then 1: he needs to make sure he makes that court date since missing 1 day of work is much better than missing two weeks of work. 2: There are a plethora of black advocate groups that can be contacted, awareness can be created, and the loitering ordinance or law would be changed.

The other day the CO brought up toll roads in an effort to demonstrate some point that I cannot remember because it was unrelated. He’s a cool guy, but he makes a lot of parallels that don’t actually parallel the point he’s making. The point of mentioning this is because he said he thought toll roads implied that a person with money’s time is more important than a poor person’s time. Obviously if we quantified the value of time in money this would be true, but what’s missed is how toll roads benefit everyone.

The toll road benefits everyone, even those who can’t afford it because it creates space on the roads that existed before it. The more people who take the toll roads the fewer people there are on the non-toll roads.

1/2021 The Gamble Continued

I’d much rather be creating lessons for my curriculum than writing about my troubles or my life as the two seem synonymous. But it is what it is, the circumstances and the visible opportunities I harvest from them.  

The gamble was me betting that an 1100 dollar 2012 Malibu I bought at an auction would be a decent car. A stupid gamble because I had 1500 and had about another 1000 coming in a week through stimulus money and my job. Given those circumstances and knowing how bad I need a reliable car it is a stupid time to gamble on a car without being able to thoroughly inspect it while it is running and without being able to drive it. Not a bad gamble but the timing was bad.

The car’s first issue was the water pump.

My rent was up the day I would get paid and my stimulus didn’t arrive before that. I had 1 day to buy the tools and parts on the bus and tune the car up. I accomplished this feat but when I was finished the car still overheated. At that point I didn’t know what to do but I had a few options.

I woke up this morning intent on selling the car. I left the parking lot and the car was no longer overheating.

I stopped at Walmart and then a rest area bike trail. One option is to sell the car, rent a room, hope to get more hours at a job I hate, and then buy another car.

Option two is to take this car and leave Nevada as I intended to do originally. With some modification since I discovered the miles I have on this car are limited. I intended to stop in Denver to see a female friend I met in 2017 and either stay or go elsewhere.

I went with option 2.

I cannot live like that, in a place of almost no satisfaction. It was having a profound influence on my behavior exacerbated by the recurring difficulties created by people whom I’ve rented rooms from. Given the amount of work that has been available at a job that is terrible, and the unavailability of supplemental work there’s no telling how long I would be in that situation. If I average $250 per week and pay $500 a month in rent  and then have 400 to $500 in monthly expenses, I could be there for months breaking even. The covid fear is higher there than in other places. I considered starting a meetup but it is difficult to find a venue and a difficult place to generate interest in substance. It was a bad place for me and produced a bad draw on my behavior, although there were many positive causal interactions. The unpleasant experiences I’ve had there do not represent the people there as a whole, where many were well mannered, kind, respectful, and helpful.

I didn’t sell the car and decided to take a chance of getting stuck on the desolate stretch of highway between Vegas and Flagstaff.

The car has been running at 1\8th below half the entire time. It lacks good acceleration and has a bitch of a time up some hills but it seems to be improving. I started driving to Phoenix because I saw an abundance of gig work there. I typically make more money, work less, and enjoy the work a little more compared to traditional employment opportunities. Maybe I’ll print up some cards to hand out to attract attention to my website although in Wisconsin and Denver that method of promotion failed to yield any interest. I need to start a meetup but Phoenix isn’t an ideal spot for any sort of promotion. The abundance of elderly people probably coincides with greater covid paranoia and restrictions, and it doesn’t seem like a good place for that. Then again, it isn’t everyone.

I may not go to Phoenix, but my car has taken me to flagstaff. I don’t know how long it will last but if I can get 5000 miles before the engine completely loses compression this should be adequate if I can find regular gig work to save enough money to buy another car and finish my curriculum. From there I’ll figure it out: where I’m at and where I need to be.

While at the hotel in Flagstaff I was browsing CL in different locations.  In the Austin gig section I responded to an ad looking for participants in a documentary about voices that are not represented by the mainstream media and how to solve America’s problems.  I responded and the producer agreed to interview.  With my car in the sorry shape that it is in I decided to go to Austin, TX.   

I’ve driven the car about 1300 miles. Sometimes I drive it and there seems like nothing is wrong. Primarily city driving or going down hill. Lol. Starting the car and driving up hill or in higher gears the problems become apparent.

I was driving the car in drive on the interstate. I was roughly 50 miles out of Tuscon and the car went into reduced engine power mode. I wasn’t worried because before I turned the car off and the computer reset. This time when I shut the car off and turned it back on as soon as I shifted to drive it went back into reduced engine power mode. Tried turning it off and restarting it a few more times with the same result.

I decided to disconnect the battery. As I did I was thinking ok mother fucker, (lol) you knew this shit was a possibility now you might have it. As I disconnected the terminals I thought if it didn’t work I’d get to Tucson and take a greyhound to Austin.  Whether the documentary will experience wide circulation or not, it is the best opportunity I have to advance my ideas.

After I disconnected the battery I was good and back on the road.

Last night I arrived at my destination. I posted a CL ad seeking gig work because I need money. I’m hoping I’ll receive a direct deposit for the hours I worked last week. It is possible although unlikely that those hours were for the previous salaried pay period. This is unlikely because two weeks ago I only received payment for the hours I worked and Daniel sent me the remaining portion of the salary via Zelle. I worked the previous week for those hours so I should have some money coming on Friday.

After checking CL gigs this morning there was nothing of interest. My attention turned to my car. I thought I may have had a bad O2 sensor. Some of the symptoms seemed consistent. Yesterday I almost bought and changed it, mainly because one of the symptoms described a surge of power. In drive if I put the pedal to the floor it won’t accelerate and then suddenly the rpms would shoot up to about 4k.

There was a gentleman from Vegas who offered me services on the car. I told him I changed the water pump and described my symptoms. He told me I may have a bad camshaft or crankshaft sensor. This morning I went to Advance Auto. Advance has become my preferred auto parts store because they had the water pump sprocket holder in stock when I needed it, but I’ll still use other parts stores when there is a cheaper price on a part. The guy told me they didn’t have their engine diagnostic code checker. I thought he was lying to me, but then he told me to go to Jiffy Lube and that they do it for free.

I went to Jiffy Lube and there was a sign that read no inspections.  This probably meant no state vehicle inspections but I misinterpreted the sign to mean no diagnostic testing.

Finally I went to autozone and was given a code that the cam and crankshaft position correlation was off. Autozone didn’t have the part but O’reilly next door did. I bought the camshaft sensor but when I got in the car there were codes that the crankshaft sensor wasn’t correlating with either camshaft sensor, so it seemed like maybe it was the crankshaft sensor not the camshaft sensor. I exchanged the part. When I looked up the symptoms I’ve been experiencing it was more consistent with a faulty camshaft sensor than crankshaft sensor. I exchanged the part again and installed the A side.

I haven’t driven the car yet but after installing it, it did turn over right away whereas sometimes it cranks and I have to stop and try it a few times before it turns over. Another $50 gamble, and time will tell whether or not it’s rewarding.

It’s official, this car is in a state that I am unable to repair in my present situation. I changed the cam sensor, cleaned the variable valve timing solenoids, changed the crankshaft sensor, and the only thing left is the timing chain. I could change it but not in a parking lot. It would take me at least 2 days. The person who I’ve been corresponding with from Vegas calls the car a ticking time bomb, where if the chain jumps a tooth it is going to do serious damage to the engine and the car will be rendered undrivable.

I’m supposed to be doing an interview today for a documentary on political voices that are not represented by the msm, what’s wrong with America, and how to solve the problems. It was scheduled for 9am this morning, and it is half the reason I’m here.

Last night I received a text asking me if I could do it next week, the creators claimed they did not have a ride. I told them I can meet closer to their location or pick them up. Then he replied he wasn’t feeling good but asked if we could do it in the afternoon and he provided a new location. I agreed.

Today I woke up to a text that he will contact me around 8:30am this morning to provide me with the time and as I anticipated, it is 8:44 and I haven’t heard from him. I’ll contact him at 9:00 to 9:30 to see if he has time if I’m not contacted before then.

The second reason I came here is I was lured by CL gigs, where surveying the gig section over a few days there seemed like there was a lot of gig work. There isn’t, and the few there are that I’ve responded to have yielded no work.

As usual, this trip is a blank mission and I am fucked in life.

Not sure what my next move is. I only know I’m not returning to Wisconsin, and I can’t stay anywhere where I can’t make money.

Recently I wrote the exception to having ample amounts of time and money as a determinant of happiness is when you’re able to earn money doing what you want to do. Time becomes irrelevant because work is inherently satisfying. Obviously that is where I’m trying to be but lack the means to reach that place.

For me there is no acceptable balance of time and money, where for example I could work 3 days per week 12 hour days and earn $1200 per week. This would be a good balance of time and money, where I’d have the means to provide for my needs and have money to do what I wanted to do in my free time, which is ample in this scenario. Even in such a situation I would not be content doing the work just to entertain myself with the time and money in my free time. Of course in this wildly unrealistic scenario I’d probably be alright because it would position me to do the work that I wanted to be doing.  Otherwise I’m not content with the entertainment and I cannot ignore what is going on around me.  

It seems I’m approaching a point in life where I’m tired of struggling and contending with these people and these circumstances.  I’m wasted and fall behind in study and refinement of material because my mind is occupied by some bullshit going with a shit car I’m driving and living out of, or how I’m going to make money to get me through the following week or other bullshit. I’ve gotten what I need personally out of life in terms of understanding and development. To see not only the world, human beings, and the universe as it is, but knowing existentially what can be, and what likely is.

I live life with very little fear because I can usually foresee the possibilities and in considering possible outcomes I am accepting of those outcomes no matter how they impact my interests. The basis for all fear is uncertainty and the inability to accept outcomes.

I been dealing with this fuck shit for too long. Just sick of: if aint one thing its a mother fucking nother.

It’s going to be what it’s going to be. This car isn’t likely to last too much longer and without some progress that I probably cannot create I don’t anticipate I’m going to last much longer after that.

This isn’t the culmination of this gamble on this car going bad, but the underlying general thoughts and feelings I have about being in this hell for 38 years, which I’m expressing as I consider the bleak and uncertain future I am approaching.

I did the interview which lasted about 2.5 hours. There were points where I was articulate but I was very choppy and overall shitty for the most part. We did about 2 hours and at the end he told me the entire documentary between myself and others he only expected to be about 20 minutes. He did tell me he would send me the raw footage but I need more like this because oral communication skills are suffering. While this is partially a product of losing familiarity with some of my material, it’s also a product of social isolation and infrequent speaking opportunities.

My mood may change depending on my circumstances but I wanted to keep those reflections of the underlying darkness at the end of the previous break.

Where am I going?

I found this picture and recently made this same mistake again so I thought I’d include it.  In Austin I didn’t have a key for my doors.  The lock is not the same as the ignition key.  I accidently locked my doors and had to smash out the window with a rock.  Months later in DFW I bought a window from a junk yard and did another incredibly stupid thing.

The window from the junkyard included the molding, and replacing the rear quarter window is very simple.  You disassemble the door and there is one bolt that holds the hard piece of molding that separates the rear window from the main window.  You can take the bolt out, slide the molding piece forward, and then insert the window with the new piece of molding and then you’re done.  My dumb ass removed the glass from the molding and thought I would just put the new glass into the old molding.  This wouldn’t be a problem except that the glass from the broken window is stuck in the old molding.  So I had to spend probably 2 hours scraping all the glass and adhesive from the old molding to put the new glass into it.  

Recently, I locked my keys in the car again.  Fortunately there is a service called pop a lock that for $40 will come and open your car for you.  You really only have to use it once because after seeing them do it you can make the tool they use.  $40 was about what I was willing to pay since that’s what it costs to get a replacement from junkyard.  I may have paid $60 but over $60 I was going to bust the window and replace the window again.  

12/2020 Gambled and Lost

When I played poker tournaments the first rule was position. By this I mean how you play a hand early in a tournament is not the same way you will play that hand late in a tournament. For example if it’s early in the tournament and someone jams and you have them covered with big slick you might call for a coin flip against what you presume is a small pocket pair, and hopefully a lower ace combination. However, even if you think you have the best hand later in a tournament, you may fold if someone jams preflop because you could either miss the money or place much lower by taking that gamble without seeing the flop. End up being dominated by AA or KK.

Last night I took a gamble at a car auction that did not pay off. It was a bad play based on my position. I saved about $1500. Next week I should have $600 coming from my stimulus check and another $460 from work. This means I’d have about $1800 to spend on a car, and could probably wrestle a car from a seller asking 23 to 2500. I’d be able to inspect the car while it’s running, and test drive the car to ensure a good degree of reliability.

From the beginning of the auction there were cars I was interested in but most of those cars went above what I could afford. There were other cars that I was not interested in that impressed me with how quiet the engines were when they came around that sold for prices within my budget that I regretted not bidding on.

There was one car in particular I was interested in posted in the CL ad advertising the auction. When I arrived at the auction to preview all the cars it fell to about 4th or 5th in terms of interest, but it still appealed to me nonetheless.

2012 Chevy Malibu. I knew someone who had an 09 or 10 that I drove a few years ago and I liked the car. This car had 190k on it but if I could get it within my budget which was less than 1200 and it lasted me 20,000 miles I’m good with that investment.

When they brought it around it was a little louder than I would have liked but didn’t seem all that rough running. I bid and there was another person who was bidding against me. I won the car with an $1100 bid.

I was a little worried after I completed the purchase just because they had to jump it to get it started, but I assumed they probably swapped out the good batteries. Maybe they don’t because there was an older gentleman whose car was cranking but he couldn’t get it to start. Either way, a bad battery in itself isn’t a big deal.

The car idles a little bit rough and sounded as if it was a little low on oil. As I was driving I was paying attention to the temperature gauge. After a few miles I noticed it exceeded the halfway point. Typically a car that doesn’t have a cooling problem will rest in the middle but I have known cars that rest a little above or a little below the halfway point. I was hoping this was one of those cars, but it was not.

When the temperature gauge reached about 3/4th of the way I knew there was a problem. I turned on the heat and it was blowing cold air, which means there is either little or no coolant, a problem with the thermostat, heater core, or water pump.

As the temperature rose I began looking for a place to pull over. I also knew the battery wasn’t going to hold a charge so I needed to go to a gas station so I could get a jump.

There is an Arco I think near Las Vegas Blvd and Charleston, maybe a little before or after, that is accessible from the westbound lane and I was traveling eastbound. I pulled into the turning lane to make a u turn to go to the gas station. Suddenly the heat began to blow hot and the temperature went down. I pulled out of the turning lane and proceeded home.

The car intermittently went from running hot to rapidly cooling off with the heat blowing cold to suddenly blowing hot.

I hoped it was just the thermostat sticking because that’s an easy $15 to $20 fix.

The next morning there were two factors that contributed to my optimism: 1, there were no stains on the concrete which indicated the car wasn’t leaking anything when I pulled up. And 2, the reservoir appeared empty.

Usually if a car is low on coolant it won’t overheat and then go down. The heat won’t blow completely cold and then blow hot it will just blow lukewarm air. While my hope was still in the idea that the thermostat was bad since a bad thermostat will produce those symptoms, I also had a little hope that maybe this car would exhibit those symptoms because of very low coolant. I was also well aware that a failing water pump will also produce those symptoms.

I checked the oil and it appeared to be at the very bottom of the dipstick or not at all. The dipstick on that car is not traditional. It is a very poor design that makes it difficult to know where the oil actually is.

I went to Walmart and purchased oil and coolant before I purchased a battery. The reason being is I didn’t have a wrench, socket, or even pliers to disconnect the terminals from the battery, and there is a core charge. I also purchased an adjustable wrench and 2 funnels.

I was going to purchase a battery from Walmart, but the only battery that was reasonably priced at $54 was 585 CCA, and the car requires 590CCA. While 5 cold cranking amps shouldn’t make a difference in starting the car, it could, and a refurbished battery is usually pretty near a new battery for about half the price. If it lasts a month, saving $30 today is important to me.

I was waiting for the bus with my Walmart purchases. All the used battery places that were open on Sunday were opening at the time I was looking at 9am. No one was answering the phone. I kept cycling through until Canos Used Batteries answered and told me they had a battery for $30.

When I returned home I put the contents of the Walmart bag in the back seat. Before completely disconnecting the battery I made sure there was no corrosion on the terminals and that the terminals were tight. Oftentimes what appears to be a dead battery is actually just a loose connection. I didn’t think that was the case here but it doesn’t hurt to make sure.

Canos is pretty close to where I’m at, about a mile walking, and I discovered walking 2 miles with a battery is labor intensive.

When I returned I discovered the coolant level was not as low as I initially thought. There was barely any coolant in the reservoir but it only took about a half gallon to reach the fill line. Oil was more than a quart low, maybe 2 (added oil from 5 quart jug) and it was awfully dirty even after adding the fresh oil.

The car turned over right away and idled a little rough, but it sounds pretty decent when you give it some gas. Who knows how old the gas is?

I opened up the hood and inspected the top side with the engine running. There was nothing notable visually or auditorily. I crouched down to look beneath the vehicle and saw fluid leaking from towards the rear passenger side of the engine. I knew it was coming from the water pump. I reached under and put my fingers in the fluid to confirm it was coolant.

I went to youtube and watched a video. I knew there would be a lot to take off to get to it. I was waiting to find out if the tensioner was spring loaded or if it was bolt tensioned. There came a point in the video where the guy started talking about timing and took off a component that seemed unrelated. I went to a different video and discovered the water pump is on the timing chain (balancing chain) not on the belt. This is completely foreign to me and I’m more than a little bit intimidated by the prospect of the job. The video I’ve watched so far has not given me a very good idea of this tool I need to hold the chain in place while I remove the water pump.

The other problem is I have less than $100, waiting on my stimulus check which was supposed to have been sent on the 6th which is being sent to my daughter’s mothers house and I’m hoping I’ll be able to direct deposit it through a picture. I have to be out of where I’m staying at 8am Friday and I don’t get paid from work until Friday. If I had the money I would go buy the tools and the part and change it here but I don’t have the money.

When I returned from Walmart today there was a sticker that read violation no registration, that warned me the car could be towed within 48 hours. I was completely blown away because the car is parked on private property. I called the towing company listed on the sticker and explained that I purchased the car only hours before this sticker was placed on the car. He told me to schedule an appointment online with DMV and to put the appointment notice in the window of the car. I was still blown away by the idea that a car could be towed while parked on private property and I still am.

I purchased insurance with some help and went to the DMV. I can get a moving permit to drive the car for a limited time if I have insurance. When I arrived at the DMV there was a line outside to use the kiosks. I found out this was not the line to access services. There was a roped off section with DMV employees. I was told you have to get there on Saturday before 5am to get a ticket, and during the week it is by appointment only. Since I already set an appointment, I also know that the earliest appointment is in April. Fortunately, he told me they do provide moving permits for walk ups during the week. He also told me that if I have everything together they may do my registration and plates on that day. I can’t imagine passing smog testing with a bad water pump.

I walked away in disbelief that a tow company can essentially steal your car from your property because you don’t have a plate displayed and their DMV is 3 months behind. Who the fuck are people electing to run such a shit show? I suppose when all your attention is directed towards race, gender, sexuality, and nonsense rhetoric, it’s easy for incompetent people to neglect your interests right in front of your faces.

I went to the office depot and made copies of my bill of sale, insurance, and appointment with the DMV. Then I looked up the time the state provides for registering a newly purchased vehicle and found out it is 30 days. I displayed the documents in my window and wrote a note that I have 30 days to register a vehicle.

This was a bad bet based on my position, because if I buy a bad car which I have done I am fucked. Yes, if I had the money I could fix the car but I do not and may not have the money until I have no place to take the car.

Update

Maybe premature to say I didn’t lose but the water pump doesn’t seem as big a deal as I initially thought. Watched a few videos and I’m comfortable with my ability to change it. In fact I bought a few tools and I’m a faceplate, a sprocket stabilizer install and 5 bolts away from changing the water pump. I won’t have enough money for the parts until I’m paid on Friday.

I have to be out at 8am but the woman I am renting from agreed to allow me to finish fixing my car on her slab. I procured my moving permit from the DMV and it is valid for 4 months. I’m also changing the air filter, changing the oil, and changing the spark plugs. My hope is that the check engine light will go off and I can pass emissions. In that case I’ll be able to get my car registered and get my plates. If not, I’m confident I can leave with the moving permit.

As I mentioned the idle is a little rough and there is a tick at higher rpms. If I’m lucky, changing the air filter, oil, and plugs will straighten this out. If I’m not, I’m going to put about $200 more dollars into this car, have about $200 left, and have a car that barely runs. LOL. I need that laugh, my sense of humor has been slipping lately.

I will know in about 48 hours where I’m at with this gamble that I’m doubling down on.

It’s official I am fucked. On a positive note I successfully changed the water pump without dropping any bolts into the timing cover, a feat I attribute primarily to luck, but still a source of pride nonetheless given the circumstances. But, the problem still remains. I knew it as soon as the car began to warm up and the heater was blowing cold. It’s almost certainly the head gasket.

I’m living out of a car that I cannot drive far, and probably will not be able to sell. I have only myself to blame for the bad decision. I’m in a Walmart parking lot where I will try to take a nap. There is a security truck so we’ll see how that plays out.

A car that is less than 8 years old for 1100 seemed like much too good a deal to pass up. I’d also seen cars go for low prices that I felt like I should have bid on. I probably should have. I’m disgusted with myself and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

The next morning I intended to drive to Walmart from the parking lot I slept in. As I drove the temperature increased and stopped about an 1\8th of the way below half. I decided to keep driving and drove about 4 miles and it maintained this temperature.

I decided to take it on the I15 south and it maintained the temperature. However, I was going about 75 to 80mph and took my foot off of the accelerator. When I went to accelerate again it would not accelerate. Initially I thought I lost compression, pulled to the shoulder with my hazards on and proceeded to the off ramp.

I was looking for a parking lot when a woman asked me if I was limited to a certain mph, she said miles but I knew what she meant. She followed me to a parking lot and explained she had a Malibu and it was a computer problem. She started talking about locking the doors with the key but I stopped her because my ignition key doesn’t work on the car doors.

When I restarted the car it functioned as it usually does. Another issue I have is it won’t start on the first try. I’ll turn the key and it will crank but won’t turn over. Like it isn’t getting fuel. After a few tries, sometimes after putting it in neutral, other times putting it in neutral and rolling it, then it will start up.

The cooling system seems solved. When I drained the coolant there were metal specs in the pan as if the previous owners used a radiator stop leak product. Maybe I needed to drive the car with the new pump to clear it. Idk.

After driving about 15 miles in the city with the heat off I was at a stop light and temp started climbing but went down to 1\8th below half after I put the heat on. I should probably try to sell it.

12/13/2020 Diane Flood

Her brother creates the appearance of helping her and I don’t know if his efforts are genuine, or if he creates the illusion that he does things for her in order to get things from her.  There are some inconsistencies.  The second day I was here she told me her brother wanted her to put her chair and TV in her room.  As if I would be bothered by her being in the living room.  I told her it wasn’t necessary and she said she didn’t want to and asked me if I’d tell her brother and I said I would.  I didn’t have to tell him she told him, but while he was here I made it a point to tell her in front of him that nothing she does bothers me.  That she should go about her business as if I’m not here.  She is a very sweet older woman who goes out of her way to try and make me comfortable and I do everything I can to help her and reciprocate the kindness.

When I first came she told me she had stage 5 bone cancer.  There is no stage 5 bone cancer.  I don’t know if she has bone cancer or not but if it were stage 4 I imagine she’d be in much worse shape than she is, and I also believe she’d be seeing the doctor regularly and show the signs of receiving radiation treatment.  I don’t know if someone has convinced her she has bone cancer or maybe it is something she made up for sympathy and attention.  I seriously doubt she has cancer.    

Yesterday I was returning from the gym and she was coming outside just as I was arriving.  She said she was going to check the mail and asked if I could check it for her.  I reached in the mailbox and grabbed an envelope and handed it to her.  She said the envelope was open and it was from someone who was sending her a $150 Walmart gift card.  She suspected her brother or niece took it.  Her niece moved back to Wisconsin so it couldn’t have been her niece.  She believed her brother took it.  I don’t know if he did but it was certainly a possibility.  His willingness to rent me the room for less money than I was offering for rent was a red flag because it seemed like he had a stake in her getting that money from me.  The day before he asked her for $50, saying that she could get it from their mom who was sending him a $50 check in a christmas card he wouldn’t be able to cash because he didn’t have an ID.  He seems like a nice guy and I don’t know that he isn’t, but it seems suspicious that he knew when she would be getting this gift card, and the day she received it the envelope was opened and the gift card was gone.  Of course the other possibility is she already checked the mail, took out the gift card, and then put the envelope back in the mailbox. Waited for me to return and came outside so I would see that the envelope was in the mailbox and was opened.  She may have manufactured this incident in an effort to get sympathy and attention from me and her family.  I don’t know what happened but I could do without the situation and whatever her brother’s motives are in her life altogether.

There is one other source of great stress in my life in this new housing situation.  There is an infestation of cockroaches.  I keep food out of my room and sleep with a light on but should I venture into the kitchen in the evening and the light is off, when I turn the light on they scatter in all directions.  I’m not squeamish regarding bugs but had I known this prior to renting this room I would have spent more money to find something else.  

At the time there was another room I wanted to rent but this room I don’t believe the person was actually trying to rent.  The night I rented this room I contacted that person to let them know I was no longer a candidate for tenancy.  The next day she sent me an advertisement to become a business partner with her selling health and wellness products.  The business plan appeared to be buying into the company and then getting others to sell the products, where the referrer which in her case would be her would either mark up the products to the people she’d sell them to who would then sell them to other people, or she’d get a kick back for the products people she referred bought.  I sent a long text message back about why I wasn’t interested.  Mainly I didn’t believe in the products.  Health to me is primarily genetic, then exercise, intoxicants, and nutrition. When I viewed the apartment a few days prior she looked pretty decent and I texted her as much.  I texted that I liked her look when she showed me the room, told her I was going to be here for a month and asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime.  I also asked her if she was renting the room as a marketing tool or if she was actually renting the room.  She didn’t respond, but I presume it was a marketing tool to establish contacts to solicit for her business.  

The other rooms I was offered all had sexual undertones.  One guy sent me a picture of his ass.  Another was two guys who said they were nudists and asked if I had a problem with people walking around in “boxers at most”.  I didn’t have any interest in those rooms.

The other day I went to a nearby park to get out of the house.  I went there to prepare a lesson.  I went through the decision making process and created exercises to teach people the elements of the decision making process which is actually intent on showing people what morality is tangibly.  This leads into Liberty as the Basis for Objective Morality.  The greatest source of my discontent is that I have a wealth of important things to teach and no one who is interested in learning them.  If I can’t do that, I’m fucked in life, and it doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to.  I think by the time I receive my last check I’m going to have about 2k saved.  Best case scenario is I can get a reliable car for $1500, spend $300 on insurance down payment and plates and I’ll have about $200 and a car.  Then what do I do?  Where do I go?  I’m still stuck on a planet with people who avoid the acknowledgement of useful information.

What’s strange about my discontent is I felt that way despite having accomplished every short term goal I set out to accomplish. When I left Milwaukee my immediate objectives were to establish an income, establish shelter, join a gym to exercise, begin promoting my material, build my curriculum, and save money to buy a car. I’ve only finished one lesson on the decision making process. I began there because they are concepts that are easier to grasp than beginning with objects and assignments, but more importantly, it introduces morality through the decision making process; where a person can grasp morality as something more than a vague conception of what is right or wrong. Where morality is understood as something tangible through the feelings imposed in the decision making process, which can be built on in the second lesson on Liberty is the Basis for Objective Morality, where moral feelings are defined, and experiencing moral feelings is broadened from the decision making process into perception. This is why the first lesson is the decision making process and the second will be Liberty is the Basis. From there I may put a lesson together from founding intents, which will likely break down into 2 to 4 parts. Or I go into Balance Stimulus which provides an understanding of basic capitalist economic foundation as it relates to the decision of production, and then into income and the impediments of income; why the poor remain poor. Then the need for the Balance Stimulus.

I can put the second lesson together in an hour or two. I’ve already reduced LIB to 10 key components, which is how it reduced naturally, not something I attempted to reduce it to for an even number. 

Everything is ignored, and then there are meritless responses like the one I received from the journal I submitted the balance stimulus idea to where the reviewer made critical remarks that were already addressed in the article. I can just be ignored and none of this matters. I don’t just blame the academic community, activists, politicians, or organized interests who have shut me out, I blame the general population. People who are childish and build their reality around information that causes them to feel good are not concerned whether or not what they believe is true and how it impacts their interests and others, just so long as they can maintain the reality that gives joy to their lives.

Why don’t I go back to criminality? 1st, the opportunities don’t exist as they once did. I primarily sold drugs which requires suppliers and clients and those circles have fallen apart or changed. As far as higher risk criminality is concerned my anchoring objective is my material. Conceptually there isn’t much more for me to gain in this life. I live for the slim chance that I will be able to make a living teaching these things, that I will be able to increase the intelligence and liberty of this species. Not because I have a great deal of love, compassion, or empathy that drives me to struggle to serve human interests. This was true at one time when I was a fraction of what I am today, but it is not true today.

Today, it is the only thing that makes sense. You can’t imagine what it feels like to see the bullshit so clearly and the masses who eagerly consume it. This endless circulation of bullshit that is detrimental to human interests and produces the unnecessary problems that we have. As I mentioned, all human problems are a product of self deception and the unequal distribution of opportunities for time and money.

Why don’t I invest my time in some lucrative endeavour, secure my own space with money and time and enjoy the show? The effort required isn’t worth the value of having just to have. 38 years old may not seem old to many people, but when you’ve endured what I’ve endured for 38 years and have the experiences I have, the shit that excites you doesn’t excite me. In a few weeks hopefully I can find a car to last me about 6 months but what does that do for me? All the shit going on around me and not really knowing how I am going to find a student or students and make money. Seeing the return to a struggle living out of a car, which is more difficult than in times past because this idiot fucking species has shut down showering at gyms over a virus that is no greater risk to public health than the flu is. Still have to work bullshit gigs to survive while I make no progress towards what I should be doing and what I want to be doing. Even in the little bit of short term progress I’m experiencing, I have nothing to really be happy about.

As I commented previously there was a situation where she met me outside as I was coming back from the gym. I suspect she set the whole thing up to play the victim so I would be sympathetic and pay more attention to her and do more for her.

This was followed by a phone call that was either real or fake but intended for me to hear where she said “if he keeps borrowing money from me I’m going to have to move back to Wisconsin” which based on what she had been saying was in reference to her brother Rick. She told stories about how her brother had forced her to get loans that he kept, charged her $300 to visit her when she was sick in the hospital, and implied that he rarely came around without expectations of receiving money. She basically said she couldn’t say no to him.

She asked me to hold onto her money. I agreed and wrote her a receipt for 192 dollars. Later that day Rick came by and gave her a blanket, some pinecones, and his George Foreman grill for Christmas. Prior to this we had a long conversation where she was saying all these horrible things about Rick, and more, that I didn’t include, like her saying the neighbors said he used to yell at their mother when she lived there for money. All of this was intended to paint herself as a victim, an effort to use my sympathy to gain my attention and help her. This isn’t to say Rick isn’t a piece of shit, he may be, I don’t know.

I initially suggested that what Rick did for her on Christmas was likely a manipulative tactic to get money from her. She said she wanted to give him $20. I began to write the $20 on the receipt and she asked what I thought and I shared my suspicion that Rick did what he did in an effort to get money from her. He brought those things, said some nice things to her, and then told her he had to go fly a sign to get dinner. I told her I thought he did these things because it would make her happy and appreciative and want to give him money since he said he was going to have to beg for money for dinner.

Then I brought up that if he really wanted to make you feel good why not come over and spend some time with her, watch a movie and talk with her. I asked her what she would say if Rick asked if he could spend Christmas and have dinner with her? She agreed she would have made dinner and liked to have him here. He also told her to tell her mom about what he did for her, which is probably something he believes could play a role in him getting money from their mom.

Their mom lives with a woman named Denise who I believe is their sibling. Today I heard her say after being told she doesn’t tell mom they called, something to the effect that it was because they were always calling their mom about money. There is a chance I heard it wrong but I’m fairly confident that’s what I heard. Something I mentioned that adds to the significance of her telling me he said to tell their mom what he did for him.

She did change her mind on giving him money that day.

The following day after leaving the gym and beginning to vent my circumstantial frustrations I received a call from her. She asked if I left the money at the house, I told her no, but I was on my way home from the gym. I called her brother a leech which he didn’t deny, and then recorded me giving her back her money. As I walked to my room I told Rick I shouldn’t have called him a leech that  I’m going based on what I’ve heard. He wasn’t upset or offended either way, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions like that since a lot of what she says is questionable.

Rick was taking her to the casino and as the story goes he made sure she only lost $40, he didn’t play or ask for money, and then he brought her home. She came back excited and I thought it was very good for her to get out of the house and experience the stimulation of a new setting. She was in a good mood and I was happy for her.

This morning Rick came by and she commented to him that she thought I was gone. She tells him it’s like walking around on egg shells around here in the morning because I don’t want to make no noise, and implied that she had to be quiet in the morning on my account. This is complete bullshit because not once since I’ve been here have I said anything to her about being loud, and stated on a few occasions when she’s asked me that she doesn’t bother me with noise. There’s no basis for this comment other than her trying to play the victim role to Rick for his attention and sympathy.

There were two times when I spoke to her with some frustration. One night she knocked on my door around 10 to 10:30pm. I ignored her because I was trying to go to sleep. She left. Later on near midnight she knocked on my door again and I said what? She said I’m going to make some fries, do you want some fries? I said no I want to sleep because I have to wake up at 5:15 in the morning. This comment had nothing to do with any noise she was making; it was about her knocking on my door.

On Christmas when she deposited her money with me for safe keeping she asked if she could talk to me and I talked to her about the issues that I mentioned. I also went to the corner store and purchased her a pack of cigarettes that day. There are some things I don’t mind doing for her, checking the mail, taking the garbage out and taking the garbage to the curb which I believe is my responsibility. There is other things I’ve done for her as well like I helped her remove a candle from a broken holder, gave her a website to watch the Packer game when it wasn’t on a channel available to her, swept up a pile she swept, made her a plate of food, got her cup of juice, and some other things. The day after Christmas she asked if she could talk to me for a little bit. I said I was busy, and I was a little bit, playing a poker tournament but I didn’t want to be bothered with a meeting about whatever she had going on. Later she asked if I knew about a store that was about a block away from the corner store, I told her no.  If she expected that I was going to be running daily errands for her she was sorely mistaken. She didn’t bring it back up once I told her I wasn’t familiar with the store.

I haven’t used the kitchen in about a week’s time. After finishing my rice about a week ago and the abundance of roaches in the kitchen, where sometimes even with the lights on during the evening hours there are small ones crawling around and in the microwave, I stopped cooking food here. Although I wash my dishes before and after I use them, there is something about the sight of bugs in an area where you’re preparing food that affects the flavor and your appetite. I haven’t used the kitchen with the exception of washing out my shaker cup, but I don’t cook. I helped her finish up the Christmas dinner she made. I did not want to eat it because I didn’t know how old the chicken she was making was but I also didn’t want to be rude.

We can argue that since I ate with her I should have helped her wash those dishes. I did wash the dishes I used but not the pan the chicken was cooked in. Both sides of the sink were already filled with dishes, and they were not dishes made by me.  I really, really did not want to participate in that meal but this was before the serious acrimony began.  Things weren’t great, she was talking shit about me, implying things that weren’t true, but she hadn’t begun to be vindictive when I wouldn’t do things for her that were outside of the leaser\leasee relationship.  I didn’t want to reject the meal she made and add to that.  

She begins telling Rick how I don’t like to help, and acts as if she is constantly cooking for me but I don’t help her do the dishes. She tells him she’s going to have the tenant rake the leaves.

As Rick’s washing the dishes he comments to her how he can do a better job since she can only use one arm. This seemed like another horse shit story since she hadn’t commented about an injury and I know on Christmas day, 2 days ago her arm was working fine. This seems like another effort to cause me to feel sympathy for her which would translate in me doing more for her.

Rick washes the dishes and after finishing them came around by my window before he left. I had my curtain drawn and the window open. He said “Bye Mr. O, I got the kitchen cleaned up for you”. To which I responded “you didn’t get it cleaned for me, you got it cleaned for her, I clean up my messes after I make them”. He said “I know, I was just telling you that it’s clean if you need to use it”. 

At some point she commented to Rick that her friend’s roommate coordinates dinner and they plan their day out around what they’re going to do. In addition to what I mentioned she was basically telling Rick I was a bad tenant for not performing what amounts to caregiver duties. This is the day after she told me if I needed a reference when I moved she was going to give me a good reference.

I also found my soap which was firmly on the ledge of the shower underneath my wash cloth sitting on the bathroom floor. All of this pisses me off but she’s like an old fucking child. This victim for attention and help game is probably something she’s been doing her whole life. I’m confident that Rick was assisting this morning with his comment about her sudden loss of mobility in one of her arms.  

While I was in my room listening to this I considered confronting her about it but it doesn’t seem appropriate because I can be intimidating to an old woman and her old weasel brother. I didn’t want to shit on her and later feel like I intimidated her which may cause me to be more apt to doing things for her that I otherwise would.  If I feel I’ve acted wrong towards a person I become more inclined to do more for them or I may treat them with excessive kindness in an effort to right the wrong.  This is what I mean by confronting her about this bullshit, especially since I’m not emotionally neutral to it, could cause me to say something to her or say something in a way that comes off as intimidating, and if it does, I’m going to end up giving her what she wants.  Which is not what I want because I do not want my day interrupted 3 to 4 times a day for nonsense or chores that were not stipulated in our rental agreement.  That is the main reason I didn’t continue to do things, because her insatiable pursuit of attention interrupted what I was doing, and was also imposing on my time.  Instead of confronting what she’s saying I’m just waiting for her to ask me to do something for her and I’m going to tell her no. With the exception of taking the garbage to the curb, I’ll do that since I contribute to the garbage.

When I rented this room there were no expectations that I would cook for her, clean for her, or run errands for her. I’ve done some of this out of the feelings I get from helping someone. Once it becomes an expectation and those expectations grow then it is not me helping because I want to help, it’s obligatory help, and since I am not responsible for her circumstances, I have no obligation to help. If when I rented the room she told me part of renting the room was to also provide caregiver services I would not have rented the room. Of course, if she told me there was a roach infestation I also wouldn’t have rented the room, and I wouldn’t have gone grocery shopping either. She has the audacity to think I’m responsible for her responsibilities.

Whether or not Rick has done everything she says I don’t know, there is enough evidence to suggest he manipulates her and her mother, but she uses the manufacture of sympathy to manipulate others so it’s difficult to know what if anything that she said about Rick is true. Fucked up people. That shit doesn’t work against objective morality and Assignment Sequencing, and Comparison. I had to chronicle this shit after mentioning my suspicions.

I was having a conversation with a guy who is mexican, had subtley femine manners which combined with heis appearance most people would infer that he was gay.  Well I don’t know if most people would make that inference considering how femine most straight people have become.  I mentioned some of the titles of the articles I’ve written including The Myth of Systemic Racism in the United States. After I mentioned this title he said he worked for a guy for 10 years, an older catholic white guy who treated him poorly because of the color of his skin.

There were a few things that jumped out to me. Despite him feeling like he was being treated differently because of the color of skin, his boss clearly didn’t try to fire him because of the color of his skin. 2nd, how do you know he was treating you differently because of the color of your skin? It seems equally plausible that as an old Catholic he may have been treating you differently because of what he believed your sexuality was. Still it seems equally plausible that there were things about your behavior he didn’t like, where he just didn’t like you because you and him like different things. It seems equally plausible that he didn’t like you because you’re intelligent and perceived you as a threat within the company. It seems equally plausible that maybe the guy was just an asshole to everybody. Those raised with ideas that the only way a person of another race can treat you like shit is because of the color of your skin will claim this is the motivation of any person of another race treating them with less respect than they think they deserve.

Even if this guy was treating him differently based on race it didn’t prevent him from working for the company. 2nd, if the treatment was racially motivated, is there a difference between working for a boss who treats an employee like shit for any other reason besides race, and one who treats an employee like shit because of race? If it’s overtly about race then the employee could have the manager fired. So again you don’t know if the treatment is motivated by race or if the person dislikes you because of your behavior. Lastly, it doesn’t challenge that systemic racism is a myth because he wasn’t fired or denied an income opportunity because of it. He just had to work for an asshole boss the same as a lot of people in the corporate world. Finally, if it was an example, it’s one example relative to all other employment relationships and is an exception not the norm.  

This living arrangement is ridiculous.  Another morning I heard her tell Rick she wanted him to move in. She whispered to him I can give the tenant back his rent. Rick declined probably as much out of his aversion to living here as his understanding that 1: if she tried to do that I wouldn’t leave, and 2: I have a written and signed as well as recorded agreement that upon the payment of $400 I am renting this room until the 15th of January.

Although not my business, something interesting happened pertaining to just how shitty these people are. Rick was talking to presumably a family member in Florida. He said he was going to see if his mom wanted to get a place with him in Florida. Rick doesn’t have any money so it really translates to he’s going to try to convince his mom to get a place in Florida and leech off of her. The next day Rick is here and Diane calls her mom. She leads in with how Rick told her that she (their mom) doesn’t like it where she’s at, that she’s yelled at if she even drops a crumb. Her mom seemed to refute the idea because Diane said why would Rick say that if you like it there? Rick told her it’s because Denise (the lady she lives with probably her other daughter) must be right there.

She passes the phone to Rick and Rick leads in that he was talking with (I think) Randy and makes it seem as if it was this guy’s idea about bringing her down to Florida. Tells her about all the stuff they could do for her down there. Judging by the conversation she doesn’t seem interested. Following the resistance Rick reminds her of some nice thing he did for her, seemingly intent on causing her to feel good about him to give the idea more consideration. The call ended shortly after. I presume the mother by now is privy to her son’s manipulative tactics.

I woke up that day and the internet was out. I presumed after all of her grievances related to me not being her servant she may have just unplugged the router. Which was fine, wifi was a bonus not something that was part of the rental agreement the same as caregiving services were not a part of the rental agreement. She asked me if the internet was working? I said no. She said they must have shut it off. Then she said she owed $280 on the bill. She added I used to have tenants help me with the bill. Like I’m going to fork out $140 after being here 2 weeks for her internet bill that probably represents 3 or more months in arrears. I told her maybe she’ll find a tenant who will do that in the future.

Later that day, I returned home from the gym and she was in Rick’s car smiling and waving to me, despite having been shitting on me for the past 3 days when I’ve been a model tenant. I waved back but I was irritated by the comments Rick made. He made it a point to say to her “you just have to let me know when to pick you up”? He said this a few times the first time he took her to the casino and the only reason he says it is to appear to me as if he’s just giving her a ride and not getting anything from her. I don’t care whether it benefits him or not, it’s just insulting to my intelligence.  When she initially brought everything up to me about Rick and the supposedly stolen Walmart card I was willing to help her. I did this by telling her she had to say no, showing how he tried to manipulate her on Christmas, and agreeing to hold onto her money. But at the end of the day it is her decision, and based on how she has tried to portray me to Rick, even though I still think he’s a piece of shit, I know she is just as manipulative as he is for other purposes.

This morning I woke up and heard someone walking and saying something straight down the hallway. A few moments later my door opens. There’s a young man there and I say can I help you? He says excuse me and closes the door. First thoughts were that Diane was showing the room. Then I get up because this guy may have been trying to burglarize the house. I go to the living room and then outside, and he’s gone. I was upset with myself for not moving quicker. Later Diane returned and I went to tell her that someone was in the house but the young man was with her. It appeared he was helping her with something and may have opened my door by mistake.

It also seems possible, especially since she probably lost all her money at the casino that she thinks she can move someone in on the 1st, charge them a full month’s rent for 400, and then give me 200 for my half month in January to make $200. She’s going to be sorely fucking mistaken if she tries, because I’m not going anywhere until the 15th.

It’s sick to have to deal with this bullshit. Other than her knocking on my door late at night, and my unwillingness to allow her to manipulate me into being her servant, I’m a perfect tenant. I’m quiet, I clean up after myself, I don’t complain, and prior to her thinking I was obligated to do things for her I helped her out regularly. 

Despite what I wrote about not doing shit for her, I was still kind enough to plunge the toilet she clogged, explain to her where she could post a service for her brother on Craigslist, and emptied her garbage into the trash before bringing the trash to the curb. While it could be argued that I unclogged the toilet for my own purposes, I was pretty set on using the toilet at the gym and pissing in the shower and washing it down with soap if need be. It would be more work but I don’t like the games.  So yes, it was almost worth it to me to go through scheduling a shit at the gym every day, and pissing in the shower and washing it down with soap, just so she would have to put in the 10 plunges of effort that I put in to unclog the toilet.

After returning from the gym she asked if she could talk with me as I walked back to my room. When I sat down to talk to her she said when I opened the door it scared her. She didn’t seem visibly shaken. She asked if I would use the back door and I agreed or told her I would knock prior to entering. Maybe now she thinks she can use whatever medical condition she may or may not have to kick me out. The problem is, I’ve been coming and going for 17 days and this is the first day it’s been a problem? She has had other roommates here and never commented about how the door opening has startled her. Piece of shit fucking people, and now I regret unclogging the toilet and taking her trash out.

She tries to manipulate people into helping her and giving her attention by creating sympathy.  This is why she tells people she has stage 5 cancer, and talks about people being bad to her to other people. If her tactics fail  she becomes vindictive. I’m definitely not using the back door and I’m going to let her know that in the morning. If she wants to play the game I will knock before I come in because I don’t believe that’s too unreasonable, even though the problem is manufactured. I don’t think it’s only about me not doing things for her she’d like me to do for her, I think it’s more my isolation from her altogether, where she craves attention that I’m not interested in providing. 

As I mentioned I continued to use the front door. And she didn’t say anything else about it for a day. Today she wakes up from a nap, walks past my room and says you need to start using the back door. I told her I’m not using the back door because for 16 days there was no problem with using the front door, other people are still using the front door and you have no problem with it, and you can’t change the rental agreement mid month. I told her she’s manipulative, and vindictive, and the only reason she wants me to use the backdoor is because I won’t do what she wants me to do. She started yelling, and I told her I’m not using the back door and if she locks and refuses to open it I’m calling the police. She then repeated I got something to tell them.

I have done nothing to this woman other than not doing things she wants me to do for her. That’s her only grievance with me and it was not part of the agreement that I would plan meals with her, clean up for her, run errands for her, have meetings with her, or do yard work for her. 

She did score one victory in her pursuit of making me do something. I smoked a joint in my room since I planned on not going to the gym, relaxing, playing poker, and writing. I had on previous occasions and I guess on those occasions she didn’t notice. 1st, I didn’t think it was a problem because she smokes cigarettes in the house and it was never brought to my attention that I couldn’t. Nevada has legalized the recreational use of marijuana. Now she said she can’t have marijuanna smoke in her house because of her condition, where if she was concerned about aggravating her condition she wouldn’t smoke, and wouldn’t smoke in her house. I know it is just her being vindictive, but it is a reasonable rule that I don’t have a problem respecting. I’ll step outside.

Today when I came on the porch she thought I was Rick and began to say Rick and ask a question. This detail becomes relevant further along in this entry. 

I walked past and she said “do you need the key back for your lock?” Shortly after I moved in I purchased a gym membership. I bought a lock at Walgreens intending to put my things in a locker at the gym and lock it. Unfortunately the locker section of the gym is closed.

After her Walmart card was stolen or after she staged the incident, she said she wanted to lock the gate. Having a lock I didn’t need for the gym I told her she could use the lock and gave her a key. It was on the gate for about a day and then I asked her if she wanted me to take it off and she did. I told her I didn’t need the key back, and it’s true I didn’t need the key back since I have another key, but the value of having a spare key is not greater than having to interact with her to get it. The act of avoiding her is of higher value than is the key. She said “should I throw it out”, and I said “that’s fine”.

I’m in my room for a few minutes and she couldn’t resist the opportunity to try and start some shit. She said “can you knock before you come in so I have some warning you’re coming”? If you remember I explained she said the reason why she wanted me to use the back door was because suddenly, after 16 days of using the front door, on the 17th day she was startled. Me knocking on the door is something that will give her a heads up. But when I was walking up the mother fucking stairs this bitch started talking to me believing I was Rick. Which means she heard and hears me when I’m walking up the stairs. Instead of explaining this to her, where she’ll try to talk over me which naturally causes me to try to talk over her to finish my point, I just ignored her. Since she wants my attention and wants to provoke a response, I’ll completely ignore her until I leave. She can say whatever she wants to say and I’m not going to acknowledge her. Kind of like the academic community and general public does when I’m attempting to explain something to them that undermines their beliefs.

I returned home from the gym after dark, it was probably about 6pm. The lights were off in the living room and there was a fake plant placed in the walkway that leads to my room. I don’t know if she expected me to fall down or if she was just hoping that it provoked some kind of response.  I thought it was hilarious.  She places the plant and a blanket in the path I need to go through to get to my rooms, shuts off the lights, like she was going to get me with that trap.

A nasty used piece of toilet paper has been on the floor in the bathroom for 3 days now, and this morning I found feces on the front of the toilet seat. I believe the toilet paper on the floor (I use flushable wet wipes not toilet paper) has been left there because it will give her some kind of satisfaction if I clean it up, probably the same as feces on the toilet seat. I’ve made plans to use the toilet at the gym. 

She offered me $100 to leave a week early, but the inconvenience of leaving a week early isn’t worth the $100 since I still have to be here through the 15th if I need to work between the 8th and the 15th. I suppose it depends on whether I get my stimulus and purchase a car this week.

Not much new today but the day is still fresh. Today there is more shit on the toilet seat and what appears to be shit on the floor in the bathroom.

 Each day she calls her mom and probably others saying that she can’t take me being here, that she wakes up and counts down the days. She told her mom she doesn’t feel comfortable going into the living room with me being here. She tries to depict me as a drug addict claiming I’m a druggie. These claims are not a product of my behavior affecting her in any way but her interaction with other people relies on making herself out to be a victim to gain their sympathy and attention.  In the beginning she was talking about how bad her niece and brother were to her, and would call her mom and Denise and tell them how bad they were to her.  Now I’m another person she can complain to others about.  

Today she knocked on my door and said her mother was offering me 150 dollars to leave tomorrow. Again what do I do? I’m quiet to the point where she doesn’t know when I’m here or not as evidenced by several occasions when I’ve been here and her brother has been here and she commented to him that she didn’t think I was here before and after talking shit about me that had nothing to do with any specific examples of behavior. I do not use the kitchen because it is typically disgusting and there are often roaches present sometimes during the day. The presence of bugs affects the flavor of the food and my appetite. I use the bathroom, but only to urinate since I refuse to clean up her feces from the seat. I also take showers. I don’t go in any other area of the house unless I’m passing through the living room to leave or returning. If she is in the living room I don’t look at her or say anything to her coming or going unless she says something to me, and my answers are to the point and stated matter of factly. I have not complained about any of her behavior, not when she stomps through the hall, not when she slams her door, not when she’s talking shit about me on the phone, not when she woke at 4:30am on NYE and turned the TV up watching fireworks from around the world or anything she does. There is no basis for her to say she doesn’t feel comfortable doing anything, because with the exception of telling her not to knock on my door I haven’t complained or told her I had a problem with anything she does.

As I mentioned previously, I smoked a joint in my room about a week ago. The reason being she smokes cigarettes in the house so I didn’t think it was a big deal and hadn’t been told that it wasn’t allowed. When she told me she had an issue with it I haven’t smoked any marijuanna in the house or even in the park. More importantly, whether I smoke or I do not smoke it does not adversely affect my behavior. In fact I would contend that it has a positive impact on behavior in the house because it facilitates thoughts that suppress emotions that arise due to her constant harassment, which is both direct and indirect.

Today I came back from the gym. I was watching Tour Bus Tales on my phone and was probably as loud as I’ve been since I’ve been here.  The stories are funny and I laugh loudly. The sound of my laughter must be infuriating to her. I presume on this cause and effect relationship because she hates me because I won’t give her my attention and apply my energy to her tasks.

I took a break from watching the show to send a message about a car on ebay I was interested in. I heard her on the phone with her mother making the complaints that I described above about how I’m a druggie, and how she doesn’t feel comfortable going in the living room. She came to the door and unnecessarily knocked on the door to tell me her mother was offering $150 to leave. I went through the summary of my behavior and asked what she had a problem with? She just said it’s not working out. I told her about herself being manipulative and vindictive and that her issues are in her head and stem from me not doing what she wanted me to do. On the previous occasion, she stuck her fingers in her ears and repeated I don’t want to hear it which is why from that point forward I tried to ignore her unless she said or asked something that required a response. She concluded on this occasion by saying she doesn’t want a druggie in her house.

There are a few points here 1: I smoke a very small amount of marijuanna a few times per week(legal in Nevada), so A: I’m not a druggie, and B: I respect her preference to not smoke it in the house. 2: When I do smoke, it does not produce behavior in me that is disruptive or outwardly deviates from my behavior when I haven’t smoked. Even if I smoked all day everyday it wouldn’t matter because it has no negative impact on behavior as a tenant. 

I was considering the offer but it was contingent upon the seller of the car. I was interested in answering questions I had about the car in a way that would have created confidence in the purchase. The car was in Phoenix, the auction ends tomorrow at 8am. If I was going to buy the car I would take the 150, leave tomorrow on a bus to Phoenix (flights were over $100 on short notice) pick up the car and drive it back to Vegas because I have work on Monday and Tuesday.

Unfortunately, the seller’s response did not create confidence as he told me he bought it at an auction for his son, drove it 1 mile at 40mph, let it idle for 20 mins, and doesn’t know anything else about it. It seems very unlikely to me that you would purchase a car and not take it on the freeway and drive it a little bit to see what you got. I’m not purchasing the car and will be staying probably until the 15th, but at least until Wednesday.

Friday at about 5am I heard her talking on the phone which consisted of the usual general allusion to things that depicted my behavior as something it was not and talk about giving me $150 to leave that day. I was fed up, came out of the room and yelled at her spelling everything out to her, voicing my suspicions about whether she even had cancer, and saying unnecessary mean things like her brother didn’t like her. (He doesn’t, he does enough for her and spends just enough time with her to position himself to get things from her.  If he liked his sister he would spend time with her outside of trying to work his angles and he does not) After this she seemed accepting of the fact I was going to be there on those terms and seemed intent on leaving me alone.

For the rest of the day she seemed intent on convincing me that she did have cancer, calling doctors and nurses and telling them she hadn’t been taking her medicine and ordering medicine which did come today.

Last night I bought a car from an auction, the details of which are in the article gambled and lost. I did not want to continue in the acrimony while I was adding a car to the situation. I anticipated all kinds of issues with parking my car, performing routine maintenance, and now almost definitely having to perform a major repair.

I didn’t return until after 11 and she was sleeping, probably believing I was in my room all the while. I washed a sink full of dishes but not all the dishes. 

She woke up and I heard her on the phone talking shit. She started playing this wear and tear from me laying on the bed card real hard. She said “he thinks he lives here”, lol. Yeah I’m renting a fucking room, but my room and the bathroom are the only rooms I go in.

After she got off the phone she saw my car in the driveway. She thought it was her niece Ashley and began calling her name. I came out and nicely told her that I bought a car and we exchanged a few friendly words.

Later I told her if she needed to show the room when I’m not home, that I would be working Monday and Tuesday and wouldn’t be back until at least 3.

I also used the back door but this was more a matter of convenience since I was going to and from my car parked on the slab which is nearest to the back door. She was happy about that despite her purposes for having me use the back door were illegitimate. She was happy that I was doing what she wanted.

My willingness to do what she wanted had an effect on her behavior and disposition towards me. Whether or not this was amplified by her medication I don’t know, but either way it achieved the desired effect.

She may believe that me knowing she has cancer caused me to change my behavior, but I remember the last 2 weeks. I still don’t care if she doesn’t wake up. What I was concerned with is having an issue with her that jeopardizes being able to have my car here since I now have very little money, and I’m without the ability to legally have my car on the streets.

I’m forced to change how I interact with her and make the extra effort to maintain harmony to protect my interests, which is maintaining a space and area to keep and work on my car.

It confirms my read on her subconscious functions.

My last week was pretty peaceful as I went out of my way to do things for her and even loaned her money for a pack of cigarettes I went to the store to get for her. She apologized repeatedly for her behavior, blaming it on not taking her cancer treatment medication, which happens to coincide with me buying the car and catering to her desire to have me do things for her. Then her phone conversations turned towards shitting on Rick.

She found a new friend, early 30s, who would watch TV, listen to music, and do things for her. He seemed to have his own issues as he expressed to her that he talked to walls. This was during my last 2 to 3 days.

Her problems with people come out of nowhere once she isn’t being stimulated, and then dissipate just as quickly once she is stimulated with attention. This is why her morning ritual is to call people and tell them how hard other people are making her life, because it gains the attention of others. 

Once her friend left she sought stimulation by harassing me since it is the only way she could get attention.  Instead of venting my frustration for her making a difficult situation more difficult through her distractions and harassment I pleaded with her. I told her that she knew I had to work on my car, that I would be done as soon as I could get done, and promised her I’d be out that day. She noticed I had half a doctor pepper and asked if she could have my doctor pepper? I took one more drink and gave it to her. 

Later on when her friend didn’t come back after she told him to come back she started again, but this time I let her have it. I was far enough along where if she called the police and told them she wanted me off the property I could have the car movable and change the spark plugs in a parking lot by the time they got there. I was also confident that if I talked to the police and told them that this day was my check out and she agreed to let me fix my car before I left they would allow me to finish.

Things turned around again after this. Once her mood changed I offered her 2 dollars for a water and a cigarette. My vape was out of juice and my hands were too greasy for me to get to my juice without getting a lot things dirty that I didn’t want to get dirty. Shesaid she didn’t have any but took the $2 and gave me 2 waters. I told her I would get her a pack once I finished my car. Later she got a cigarette from her neighbor that she shared with me.

When I left I didn’t bring her back a pack of cigarettes, because I remember not only how much of a cunt she was to me that day, but how she had treated me poorly for no good reason in the two weeks preceding me buying the car when I gave her what she wanted in service to peace of mind about my car being there. The garbage was full of leaves, something I discovered when I deposited a bag of packaging, my old water pump, thermostat and other items in a bag into it. When I finished I had a few more packages, empty water jugs, and a jug with the old coolant in it. I lined the items up in a row and left them. Something intended to aggravate her but was probably an asset to her cause. An asset because she can call everyone up and tell them how I left her driveway a mess to get sympathy and attention, and second, because Rick or her neighbor will probably throw the items out so she’ll feel happy someone did something for her.

I’m glad she has cancer. To me she is well deserving. I’m also glad she’s fighting that cancer with Time cigarettes, a poor diet, and very little physical activity.  I don’t wish good things for shitty people.

Yes I understand that in the final week I was being manipulative to serve my interests, but this was a necessity based on her behavior. Otherwise, I’d have been the same respectful and honest person I usually am. 

12/2020 Vegas  

I’ve been in Vegas for about a month.  If I were looking at my present situation from the outside looking in I wouldn’t consider the situation to be too bad.  However, from the inside looking out my immediate situation as well as my future is bleak.  I made a regrettable text to the contrary after finishing a day of work to the person who provided a guaranteed income over a six week period.  I was riding a high from endorphins after work, receiving pay, and a desire to express my gratitude.  I texted that I appreciated this situation more than I can express.  

My first few weeks in Vegas were definitely better than the 10 days I spent in San Diego although I was constantly stressed with trying to find work.  I wrote an article describing my first two weeks in Vegas, and during that period I was only able to find work for 3 days, where I made 385 dollars.  Shortly after this I performed work for the person I texted above who informed me that he owned companies and could provide steady work for me.  The company he assigned me to is experiencing a slow down during the holiday season.  He provided me with a guaranteed weekly income for a period of 6 weeks with the option to continue employment at an hourly rate after that period.  

I was experiencing issues with the woman I was renting a room from.  The main issue was the apartment is gated.  When I first arrived she gave me the gate key to make a copy.  Most of the locations that offer key copying services have machines and the key was not duplicatable in the machines.  A man on the bus overheard me having a conversation with ACE hardware and told me about a convenience store that still had the older machines.  I went to the store and I was told the machine was down.  The clerk looked at the key and said they didn’t carry that kind of key and recommended Home Depot.  Home Depot recommended Liberty Locks.  Liberty Locks told me the key was restricted and they weren’t allowed to duplicate it.  

I had a key to the apartment but I did not have a key to the gate.  Out of about 10 attempts on separate occasions to open the gate I believe there were two attempts when she answered and a few others where her boyfriend came and unlocked the gate.  On one occasion she wasn’t home and didn’t respond to my phone call or text.  The other occasions she was home and told me she was either on the phone and didn’t receive my call or her phone was off.  

There was one area of the apartment where there was a door roughly 8 feet high and I could scale the door to gain access to the courtyard which is what I had to do every time I came home and there wasn’t something propping one of the doors open or there wasn’t someone else there to let me in.  Later when this issue and others came out she had the audacity to say “you have access to the unit but not access to the complex”.  Which is complete bullshit because I cannot access the unit without accessing the complex.  

Prior to having this opportunity for income I was stuck there, with my money hovering between about 3 to 400 dollars.  I had to accept that I would have to rely on my athletic ability to gain access to the unit.  Of course if I was shorter, it’d be interesting to know how the situation would have played out since I believe the first time I couldn’t gain access was the second night.  When I did gain access her boyfriend said she was asleep.  

Other than not being able to access the apartment there was what I call constantly playing around the perimeter.  What I mean by that is acts that seem intent on being antagonistic that are inconsiderate and borderline disrespectful.  Things that cause you to seem petty if you address them but the daily accumulation is clearly intent on being harassing.  I felt like the motivation was for me to address these things where the situation could be blown out of proportion and used as an excuse to kick me out.  

Their lives consisted of smoking weed and watching TV everyday.  I didn’t say much of anything to them.  When I was home I was quiet, writing, playing poker online, I always cleaned up after myself, purchased common use items like toilet paper, dish soap, and garbage bags as she had no garbage bags prior to my arrival.  I was a perfect roommate despite not being able to access the courtyard without scaling the wall, and despite them dancing on the perimeter.  They would wake up at odd hours 3 to 4am, open their door and turn the TV up, and talk loudly.  

In the fridge I had one small corner where I kept my food, that consisted of eggs, lunch meat, serrano peppers, butter, mayo, and shredded cheese.  Almost the entire top shelf of the fridge was open and they put a plate of leftovers on top of my eggs.  

On one occasion I was in the kitchen cooking and they’d come in the kitchen and he began preparing food to microwave instead of extending me the courtesy to finish so we weren’t on top of one another.  To add a little context, the kitchen area consisted of a space that was about 4×6, and I typically spent about 10 minutes or less cooking.  If I was in the kitchen I was either making a sandwich, a quesadilla, scrambled eggs, or rice that I’d mix with butter, hotsauce, peppers, and cheese.  On another occasion, I was cooking and the counter space was very limited and she set out her food that she planned on preparing.  Once I was finished I told her I was finished in the kitchen.  Before she came out to cook, she left the apartment, came back, and didn’t start cooking until about 45 minutes to an hour later.  Which implies the only reason she set her food out was to put it in my way while I was cooking.  

Another time her boyfriend helped himself to a cup of soda from my two liter.  He should have known it was mine because it was Cherry Coke and his girlfriend only purchased fruit flavored soda.  I was going to address that but prior to that they smoked weed with me on a few occasions and I didn’t want to seem petty.  However, I believe the reason they smoked weed with me was so I would start buying weed to smoke with them.  That didn’t happen, and I was never presented with another opportunity to address it because he only did it once.

This was a one bedroom and I was renting the living room.  She had her children over who were going to school one day online.  She sent the children into my space to their schooling while her and her boyfriend smoked weed and watched tv in her room.  I left and when I came back my items were moved.  I have a great deal of affection for children so I wasn’t that bothered by it, but at the same time, she failed to realize that when you rent an area of your house to someone that isn’t your area to do as you please.  Second, if she planned on her children doing their schooling in my area, the very least she could have done was give me a heads up.  

On other occasions it seemed like she would wait for me to go to sleep, or early in the morning she would slam the microwave.  On another occasion she opened the door in the morning while it was cold and I had to get up to close it.

Everytime I finished using a dish I washed the dish immediately. After about 25 days of this behavior I received a voice message text. The text was from the woman who I was renting a room from while I was at work. The message told me I needed to call her immediately and she told me the first time I did something nasty that was it.

I was heated about this. For the first time in 25 days I left dishes in the sink. Which was something that wasn’t intentional, I finished eating and I was thinking about the buses I would catch and what time I would arrive at the location. I waited until my lunch break and called her back and she didn’t pick up. I left her a message saying what makes more sense to you, that for almost a month I washed my dishes everytime I was finished with them and then today I intentionally left dishes in the sink, or, that I was in a rush and I forgot to the dishes?

I was picturing the scenarios when I was on the bus home and I was ready to go off when I got back. She texted me while I was on the bus and said you’re right my bad. When I got back I told her I was good but I was going to be out on the 15th.

Anyone of these incidents on their own isn’t significant, but the accumulation of things like this plus many other small things I didn’t mention, are what is meant by playing along the perimeter, where I mean they were borderline disrespectful for the better portion of the time I was there, and I wasn’t in a position where I could jeopardize my living arrangement. 

After getting this job I was looking at rooms for rent and contacting people who were renting rooms and intended to leave on the 15th of December.  Sunday was the 13th of December, it was cold outside in the morning.  I was on my laptop which was on a TV tray I bought and I was seated on a folding chair I bought near the door.  They left and intentionally left the main door open.  I got up and slammed the door behind them.  They came back and asked if I had a problem and I stated I did, that they intentionally left the door and an argument ensued where she said I was disrespectful.  She implied that I had to leave, and wanted to argue about me slamming the door.  I told her it happened, I did it, now what did they want to do about it?  

Her boyfriend chimed in and said that it didn’t have to be between me and her, it could be between him and I.  Something I was only too eager to hear because I know he can’t handle this smoke and he mistakenly thought I was afraid of him.  I said what you want to do and I stood up?  He went into the room and came back out with a gun saying he doesn’t play the same way I play.  I told him if you’re going to shoot, shoot.  I said what you think you’re the first mother fucker to pull a gun on me?  He became quiet and I told them I wasn’t going anywhere, that I’d be there until the 15th.  They left.  

I wasn’t worried about the gun and I was glad I had the satisfaction of the verbal altercation which was the build up of everything they’d been doing for the last month.  On the other side of it, I also know that he is a lifelong resident of Vegas and she also has family and knows people in Vegas.  If they come back with 10 people even though I’m not worried about him shooting me, and as good as I can fight, I’m not going to whoop 10 people.  I made the mistake when they returned of trying to talk to her and she was on some hoodrat shit, so I ended the conversation with well then we don’t have shit else to talk about.  

Later, since she perceived my efforts to talk to her after I calmed down as weakness she said I want you out by 12pm on the 15th, not 12:01, 12pm.  I ignored her.  I could have told her I’ll be here until 11:59pm on the 15th because the signed agreement I had stated I was renting the room from 11/16 to 12/16, and if I really wanted to I could have pressed it to 2:30pm on the 16th when I arrived.  Instead I just ignored her since initiating a new argument didn’t serve any purpose to me. 

Later that day I went to see a room in a trailer park.  It was an older woman who was accompanied by her brother.  They were very nice and the room had a bed in it.  For the previous month I was sleeping on an air mattress.  I asked them if I could move in on the 14th, which was the following day since the 15th I could be working and then I’d have more problems with the person I was presently renting a room from.  He said give her a $50 dollar deposit and we can start it today.  I told them I had a few other places I was going to look at but that I’d let them know by the end of the day.  Then he offered the place for $375 which raised some flags to me in other areas, related more to the relationship he had with his sister.  

I left and I was seriously considering asking them to move in that day and save myself the trouble.  Eventually after exiting the bus I called back and decided I would move that day.  I cut a hole in my air mattress, broke my folding chair, and my TV tray so they couldn’t use it since I wasn’t taking it with me.  I packed up my items and signed a new agreement with this woman for the next month.

11/29/2020 Reflections

I took a day to relax somewhat.  I was still looking for work and took part in a phone interview but also watched a movie “The Good the Bad and the Ugly”, and then watched the Tyson Jones fight.  The Good the Bad and the Ugly is my favorite movie.  The characters are consistent and believable, the story expresses morality of circumstances, relationships based on interests, has a happy ending, and is entertaining and humorous in the action and the dialogue.  At some point I may do a more indepth review of the movie scene by scene.  

The Tyson Jones fight was lackluster but still entertaining.  Tyson landed a few hard body shots, Jones has one round where he hit Tyson with a flurry but most of the fight was Tyson swinging and Jones holding him.  

In usual West Coast fashion the event was used to fuel the racial divide and project race as a source of disadvantage.  Weedmaps associated it’s brand with the fake social justice fervor in this country by announcing it’s support for those who fight against inequality while flashing images of protestors.  LL Cool J talked about how one of his ancestors was a slave who fought for his freedom.  He went on to talk about how fighters like Mike Tyson are inspirational, showing that black people who begin in disadvantaged circumstances can overcome, an example of the American Dream.  Very nonsensical in the sense that for every 1 Mike Tyson who is able to accomplish something amazing, there are millions of others who begin from those circumstances and end up with drug dependencies that they use to cope with disadvantaged circumstances, who are incarcerated, never realize a comfortable income, or who die prematurely because of a high risk lifestyle.  It’s called the trap because poverty is typically a catch 22.  If you don’t take risks you’ll never be free.  Most of your time will be spent working a low wage job that barely meets your expenses and if you take risks, these risks often lead to incarceration or death.  “Life in the belly of the beast is equal to poverty’s bottomless pit”.     

None of this is relevant to the struggle that people of color face in this country.  Class is the greatest source of disadvantage in this country.  Race is not a source of disadvantage, where those born into a minority race face no disadvantages if they are born into money.  All statistics that suggest race is a source of disadvantage represent the disproportionate amount of people of color who begin from disadvantaged circumstances.  Although a greater proportion of people of color begin from disadvantaged circumstances, there are more than twice as many white people who are poor than there are minorities who are poor in whole numbers.  There’s definitely a case to be made that being poor and white is more difficult than being a poor minority, since race is promoted as a source of disadvantage and so racial minorities receive special treatment while poor white people exist almost as a myth, with no advocacy groups, and no one substantially acknowledging their existence or the cycle that produces their condition.  While still being accused of white privilege.  

Industry supports ideas that race is a source of disadvantage because the narrative exists and it boosts their brand appeal without compromising their interests.  Class cannot be an interest promoted by industry because class based objectives undermine the interests of industry.  The more opportunities the underclasses have for income and wealth the more influential they become in influencing public policy and the less reliant they are on industry for employment opportunities.  Race is the greatest tool of wealth and industry to ensure the underclasses remain divided to perpetuate the present power structure which benefits wealth and industry.  All of this is confirmed by the evidence chronicled in articles on my website but people are not interested in the substance of the issue, they’re interested in adopting the platform of the group to add meaning to their meaningless lives, social inclusion, and other feelings derived from ideas of justice.  

Most of my stress and discontent right now stems from me being unable to find sustained work, and much of this has to do with the exaggerated danger of Covid-19, which has been exaggerated to serve the interests of industry as some sectors of the economy are benefiting greatly from restrictions and the manufactured perception of the virus.  The 1905 ruling Jacobson v. Massachusetts states a community has the right to defend itself against epidemic of disease that endangers the safety of its members.  This case involved small pox which has a 30% general mortality rate and can be considered randomly deadly.  By contrast Covid-19 kills only weakest segments of the population, as Uros Seljak of Berkeley concluded if you want to know what your risk of dying of covid-19 is, it’s about the same as your chances of dying of natural causes in the next 12 months.  Roughly 1.75 million people die each year of natural causes which represents .5% of the population.  A virus that cannot kill 99.5% of the population cannot be considered a danger to public safety since the consequence of being infected is sickness and recovery.  This is supported by CDC data where 94% of all fatalities were people with serious underlying medical conditions with an average of 2.5 conditions present per fatality.  This conclusion is reinforced by a CDC study that showed that of those people who have underlying medical conditions, 93.5% survived, meaning only “the weakest segments of the population are at risk of death”, where even the presence of underlying medical conditions does not substantially increase your risk of death.  The scamdemic serves important interests, both for those who are for restrictions and those who are against restrictions.  People go back and forth between bullshit narratives about mask effectiveness, their rights, and whatever other developments are put there to engage the public.  Meanwhile small businesses are being crushed which will lead to further consolidation of power by industry, fewer opportunities for the public to establish an income, and children who are suffering dramatically due to a lack of opportunities for social interaction because they cannot attend school.

I live among people whose perception of reality is completely subjective.  Facts of reality are chosen based on how those facts reinforce their perception of the world to maintain their biases.  How many times have I written this?  It’s difficult to write anything that doesn’t lead to bringing this point up, since self deception is the root of all human problems and the great preventer of communication.  The issues are now impacting individual interests more than they had in the past.

It seems clear to me that I’m not going to be able to find sustainable work in Vegas.  I’m trying to establish shelter, work, and save enough money to buy a car.  After this I’m confident I can maintain myself through gig work and begin developing the curriculum for my material and host classes.  I cannot concentrate on those things right now because I don’t have enough money to meet my expenses for the foreseeable future.  I have my sights set on a red state where the covid 19 restrictions and general delusions implanted by democrats are less restrictive and prevalent.  Everyone is so invested in the scamdemic it is difficult to imagine the truth ever coming out about this.  It will end on vaccination, and eventually there will be papers published about how the danger was overstated that will go unacknowledged by the media and general public.  The narrative of popular history will be about the great sacrifices made to eradicate covid, when the truth is, that everything that has been endured and the damage caused by restrictions was the result of exaggerated danger to serve the interests of wealth, industry, and the political power they are represented by.  

If there were other intelligent life in the universe capable of interstellar travel and able to observe human beings without being detected it isn’t difficult to understand why they wouldn’t make contact.  First, any species that exists long enough to develop interstellar travel is going to understand liberty as the basis for objective morality as a parameter of motion.  This is the prime directive of the Star Trek moral equivalent.  No species would interact with another species that hasn’t reached this conclusion and applied it to reflect in its systems and institutions.  Each intelligent species has a choice individually and collectively to be a species of liberty or a species of tyranny, where the latter will eventually destroy itself.  1st an alien species would not impose on the free will of the species to choose liberty or tyranny.  2nd, an alien species would not want to empower a tyrannical species with technology and other advantages that would allow that species to impose on other species outside of its solar system.  3rd and the reason I brought this up, an alien species could not change the morality of the species even if it wanted to.  

The reason I mention this is for the 3rd explanation as to why an alien species would not make contact with human beings.  Human beings are so self deceptive and biased they cannot be persuaded by facts and reasoning, no matter how consistent it is.  They will hide from and ignore whatever challenges their biases, because their biases that rely on their perception of the world maintains the joy they experience from known objects.  I’m sitting on discoveries, explanations of motion, and remedies for major human problems and they go unacknowledged because they offend all biases.  

While I’m confined to these horrible circumstances, where my ideas and material goes unacknowledged, and where I am unable to sustain myself, my silver lining is the existence of conscious beings being confined to their chosen moral order based on the presumption that consciousness survives death, which to me is more likely than not.  Liberty as the basis for objective morality understands morality as a determinant of motion in a multi being setting.  All beings want to do what they want to do which is based on subjective value.  So long as no being imposes on the liberty of any other being all beings are free to do as they please.  The alternative is tyranny, where beings impose on one another based on the ability or inability of other beings to impose a consequence for that imposition.  We have tyranny on earth, but the universe itself was created in liberty, some conscious being or more likely beings freely created the universe and what develops in the universe is free to choose liberty or tyranny.  

If consciousness survives death, there is presumably an infinite space of liberty for those who understand liberty and apply, and an infinite space of tyranny as those beings who have chosen and applied tyranny.  Such beings cannot exist in the same space because the propensity of the tyrants to impose is at odds with the liberated beings to prevent and remove imposition.  If consciousness survives death hell must exist.  While human beings project values that are popular that seem good, their morality is still tyrannical, and the advantaged are responsible for their participation, consent, and benefit from systems that trap others.  Regardless of being advantaged or disadvantaged, self deception is a form of tyranny in the consequences it has for communication and how it contributes to maintaining tyrannical systems.  More concisely, how it indirectly restricts motion.    

With this said, in the hell I have experienced on this planet, and being at a place where I’m 38 years old, cannot find work or establish an income, sleeping on an air mattress with few possessions, having made discoveries that if acknowledged would change the trajectory of the human species leading to a more intelligent species, and a freer species through increased and higher quality opportunities for income and time, I am consoled by ideas of eternal hell, and knowing it is the chosen destination of most of the people on this planet.  

I don’t know where I’ll be in the next week, month, or if I’ll be anywhere in the next year.  While I recognized that what I have endured has led to the discoveries and understanding that has produced my essence that I have so much pride and confidence in, I am at a place now where the continued endurance doesn’t seem to have much value in development.  My circumstances exist as they are today only as a hindrance to my objectives.  I cannot move forward with anything because I cannot promote and advance material when I do not have the resources necessary to sustain even my natural needs, much less the resources required to advance my material.  I don’t have control over the establishment of an income.  I don’t have the money to establish an income and I cannot force anyone to retain my services even in a labor capacity.  

This moves me into the territory of having to take serious risks to make money.  My background was hustling, buying whatever I could buy typically drugs and reselling them to earn money.  In the last 4 years or so I’ve worked manual labor jobs having abandoned that lifestyle back in 2014.  Theft and robbery was not something I engaged in, although I was well acquainted with many people who took advantage of those opportunities.  The issue with these risks is if I take a major risk, perhaps I try to rob a bank with a note, if I am caught an act like that will result in time in the neighborhood of 5 years.  Everything I’ve developed and worked for over the last 6 years is postponed at least 5 years.  Not to mention I have papers being considered for publication by different academic journals and they’ve been in review for weeks, which suggests they are receiving serious consideration.  There is a chance someone is going to understand the significance of my work and recognize the uniqueness of my capabilities which could open the door to funding and put me in position to do what I want to do.  That is to earn a livable income by teaching and advancing my material, and realizing the ideas within it to advance human interests.  

Everything could be so close, but feels so far away. 

Vegas Extras

The day after Thanksgiving it is 4:21 and I have not found a job for today or tomorrow.  This is a problem for me.

I was stressed in San Diego because I was prevented from sleeping and could not find shelter so I couldn’t do much of anything else.  

I’ve been stressed in Las Vegas because I cannot find steady work.  Today the shittiest job I applied for, for 10 mother fucking dollars per hour left me a message while I was filling out another job application and provided me with my choice of 3 different shifts on the message. 

I don’t know what I was thinking coming to the West Coast.  I was thinking of warmth, and I remembered how easy it was to get into a shelter in San Francisco, and figured it would be easy to get into a shelter in San Diego.  I don’t want to be in a blue state.  The people are typically much stupider than the people in red states.  It reflects in laws, what people value, in the case of covid it reflects in restrictions and the degree of restrictions  which has economic consequences that affects the ratio of jobs to job seekers, and this impacts my interests.  When I’m talking about what people value, this also directly impacts my interest.  Companies in these states typically don’t care if you’re honest, intelligent, reliable, and capable of doing the job because they don’t value ability and integrity, they value obedience and would prefer that you lie to them as an exercise in obedience.

The fork is what am I going to do tomorrow?  Am I going to call the company that called me today and perform some menial task for what will probably amount to 10.5 hours out of every day for $65, or am I going to say fuck it?  10.5 hours a day is presuming an hour bus ride there, an hour bus ride back, and a half hour lunch.  $65 is 8 hour days at $10 an hour, minus $5 a day for the bus pass, and $10 for taxes.  If I have no expenses in two weeks I’ll have about $650!  I will have expenses, probably in the neighborhood of about $200 which is roughly $15 per day.  In two weeks time, 5 days per week, 10.5 hours per day, 105 hours if I manage to maintain strict discipline on spending which I probably won’t because I’m going to hate the job and resent the fact that the work I should be doing is neglected, I’ll save $450.  

Most people should be wondering why doesn’t this guy just kill himself.  LOL.  Seriously, why continue to contend with this self deceiving shit fucking species where you have no opportunities and there is very little chance that your situation is ever going to improve?  You’re 38 years old, you have nothing, you’re trying rent rooms from people well below market value and your only opportunity for income are shit jobs, while the important things you have to contribute cannot receive attention because 1: you lack the money and the opportunities to get the money to draw attention to them, and 2: because you’re talking about truth which offends all biases, and people prefer the reality that gives them joy, not the reality that is.  

It’s interesting.  Maybe about 6 months ago, I wrote down the things that provided me joy, the emotional upkeep that allowed me to continue within the circumstances that I was trapped in.  Among those things was marijuana, exercise, writing, and social media exchanges.  I stopped smoking marijuana, stopped exercising, stopped writing and stopped participating in social media exchanges.

Within about a day or two, I was in the garage with my car running.  My mother’s daughter heard the car running and banged the garage door and said she was going to call the fire department.  Later I gathered my items and put them in my car.  This was in the event that I changed my mind concerning what I intended to do I would at least have my possessions.  I grabbed a plastic hose. I don’t remember what the original purpose of purchase was, but I was going to run it from the tailpipe into my vehicle and take that last nap. 

Mood consists of perception of your environment, that produces thoughts, and what you’re thinking produces feelings, and then those feelings influence your thoughts, as well as color your perception.  Without the feelings produced through exercise, writing, social media exchanges, and marijuana, my thoughts are a sober cyclical analysis of my circumstances, produced by my subconscious in an effort to find a way through these circumstances to accomplish my objectives and achieve the anticipated positive feelings.  These thoughts produce stress in the acknowledgement of how trapped I am, and more so in Wisconsin where I have warrants for misdemeanor offenses that are only statewide enforceable.  In the absence of the activities that produce positive feelings that create irrational hope and confidence the only thing that makes sense is killing yourself.  For me the only emotions present at that time was anger.  There’s no loneliness, why me, or sadness present, just frustration with the situation I find myself in.  

Holly knew what my intentions were.  As I was about to cross the WI/IL border I received a call from the West Allis Police Department.  Holly called the police and told them I intended to induce carbon monoxide poisoning.  It didn’t matter.  I didn’t have much money at that time and I wanted to go out on a full stomach and with some tobacco.  I stopped at a Walmart and cashed in change I had been saving.  My car was running very poorly and this was likely due to all the trips I made to Florida going to court and the performance had been deteriorating since my last trip.  I stopped at another Walmart in Northlake, IL.  I planned on going to a rest area near I80 and I was likely going to take that nap at that location.  Before I had the chance I was pulled over by at least 3 Northlake police, maybe more with at least 4 and maybe 5 officers present.

They told me I wasn’t in any trouble but they received a call that I planned on hurting myself.  I denied the allegation and my denial was rather convincing.  They called an ambulance. I talked to the paramedics and one of the officers came in the ambulance and I talked to him.  Everyone seemed pretty convinced that this was a girlfriend that was overly concerned and reading things into me leaving abruptly.  That’s until the officer received the details of what she said and this included the hose.  The officer asked me if I would take a ride to the hospital to talk with the staff at the hospital.  He told me they’ll leave my car parked where it is, and he gave me a card I could call if I wanted a ride back to my car.  The hose was in plain sight in the back of my vehicle.  If I refuse they’re probably going to check for the hose and if they find the hose I have no explanation as to why I have this plastic hose with me.  So I agreed.  

At the hospital I had difficulties explaining the situation.  Eventually it came to the point where I admitted that I said I was going to use carbon monoxide to harm myself but I told them my intentions where to provoke a response in Holly.  When asked how, I told them in the garage which I had actually already begun before I was interrupted and feared the police would come before I would finish and I would go to jail.  The hospital didn’t know I had the hose and they released me since I didn’t have a garage to follow through with the act.  

The general interaction and 3 mile walk back to my vehicle changed my mood enough where I decided to postpone the idea and returned home with my vehicle in terrible condition.  

The difference between then and now is how much progress I’ve made with Sequencing, Comparison, and Assignment, among other things.  If SCA is a pie, 6 months ago I had maybe 6 out of 10 pieces which is enough to understand a lot, whereas today I have 9.5 pieces.  Not to mention other new material, applications, ideas, functions, and solutions to problems.  It’s very difficult for me to kill myself having built myself up as far as I have, even being ignored, unacknowledged, and not understood.  Socially I’m pretty fucked too.  This comes from the interaction offered by most adults being the equivalent of most adults interacting with 5 years olds.  That’s a little difficult to understand, but what I’m saying is, the depth of adults interacting with 5 years olds, is how it is for me to interact with most adults.  

So what do I want to do?  If you had any idea where I’ve been for the last 5 years you would know difficult situations are not new to me.  Each time I build myself back up just have some bullshit tear it back down.  I’ve been putting a lot of emphasis on trying, and I’m not sure I want to.  This is what I mean by I can call that job or say fuck it.  Say fuck it is I leave where I am and I’m just going to be where I’m going to be.  I don’t know what that means either, but it mean fuck this world, and I’m pretty sure I’m right about the existential implications of liberty as the basis which is undeniably true.  After a while maybe I get back to taking myself out of this shit or something takes me out of this shit.  It’s just awfully difficult to want to dedicate my time to bullshit work making $10 an hour.  At most I have until January 16th to get myself together and get a car.  This job I think only lasts about 20 days. 

We’ll see what I feel like tomorrow.

Returning To Wisconsin is Not An Option.

11/2020 Vegas 1st 10 Days

I arrived in Las Vegas in the early afternoon after about a 1 hour flight from San Diego.  I retrieved my checked bag and contacted the person who agreed to rent me the room who provided me the address to the apartment.  I put the address in the GPS and exited the terminal.  There was no bus stop at the location where I exited. I went back to the terminal and there were signs that pointed to the second level for public transportation but when I went to the second level none of the headers on the exits read public transportation.  

Eventually I asked a woman working there how to get to the bus stop.  She was really cool, went above and beyond taking me to the area to catch the transport to the next terminal to catch the bus I was waiting for.  When I reached the bus stop I was looking at the machine to purchase bus fare.  I was approached by two people who told me it was cheaper to buy a pass on the bus.  The machine was charging 8 dollars for 2 hours, and the bus offered 24 hour passes for 5 dollars.  In my first hour in Vegas people were helpful.  

I had suspicions about the room I was renting.  It was very cheap and very easy to get.  I imagined a number of scenarios that included being intercepted and robbed, having a person use another person’s apartment, taking my money and later the tenant says they don’t know who the person that rented me the room is but they don’t live here, among others.  As I rode the terminal bus to the next terminal I felt that it was more likely than not my living arrangement was some kind of setup.  But I was here with about $550 and I was not going to find anything for $300 for a month.  I proceeded against my suspicions, none of which have materialized and seem unlikely to.

The following day I went to a day labor service about two blocks from where I’m renting a room.  I filled out an application and the woman told me to be there tomorrow at 5:30am and she should be able to find me work.  

Next I went to a moving company who was hiring drivers.  The owner explained that he was looking for people who could take trips to do pickups.  I explained my experience interstate moving and he understood that I knew what I was talking about.  His pay system wasn’t very good.  He paid foreman 160 dollars per day at a flat rate with incentives where they could earn about 180 dollars per day.  It wasn’t commission based but I was still interested since I needed steady work and $160 per day probably exceeds what I’d make doing anything else.  He told me he had local work that weekend and he would try me out.  

The next day I went to the day labor service provider at 5:30am.  The woman who knew the day before I didn’t have a car told me the only work she had was off the bus line.  I felt great the day before thinking I secured a job moving and having the day labor service where each day I could at least earn some money.  By early afternoon I already felt the urgency to find ways to make money.  I also went to another day labor service about a mile away but it was closed down. 

Either mid afternoon this day or it may have been the next day I received a text from a contractor who was looking for assistance either that afternoon or tomorrow.  I told him I was ready now and he picked me up within about an hour.  

I staged block to add courses to an existing block wall, and stripped glue off of a concrete floor in preparation for tile.  In the truck on the way to the job he told me he can pay me at the end of the day for the first few days but he usually likes to wait a few days in between payments because in his experience people don’t show up to work after they’re paid.  I figured I’d let him see the way I work and my general reliability and then I would tell him I need to be paid daily. This isn’t because I need the money to spend, but working through craigslist it is expected because I could work 4 days and then he doesn’t pick me up and I have no way to collect from him.  On the 1st day he paid me $100 for 6 hours of work which was a $10 bonus on our agreement since I agreed to work for $15 an hour.  

The second day we worked 11 hours.  As he drove me to the drop off point he asked if I needed any money.  I said I need payment for the 11 hours of labor I performed.  He said he told me he couldn’t pay me everyday and I brought to his attention that he said he would pay me everyday for the first two days.  I explained to him that I needed to be paid daily.  He paid me and told me we would get started the following day around 8am.  

The previous day we were supposed to start at 7:30 and he didn’t show up until nearly 8am.  The third morning I called at 7:30 and received no answer.  Then I texted.  I called him again at 8:15am, he answered and told me work was canceled for the day because the homeowner was having people over.  There was at least another week worth of work here.  Later I texted him and asked if he knew if he needed me for the following day or if I should try to schedule other work.  He said he didn’t know what was going on and if I can schedule other work I should do that.  I didn’t hear from him again.  I think if I’d have accepted deferred payment terms he would have allowed me to continue working, but I also believe he would have tried to get as many days worth of labor out of me as he could, and then disappear.  

My day consists primarily of going back and forth between the craigslist gigs and jobs sections.  I also have a general labor ad.  I found another job where the contractor was non-specific about the pay and then was not at the site when I arrived.  The homeowner came out and I told him I was standing in front of his house waiting for the contractor.  

The contractor texted me the homeowner is going to tell me what to do to get started.  I went to the door to ask the homeowner what we were doing but he didn’t come out.  I text him that the homeowner came out but went back in.  

He texts Walk up to the house!  

If he thinks he is going to be yelling commands that I’m going to be obediently and submissively following he misunderstands the nature of our exchange, where I’m not an employee of his but a service provider to facilitate his ends with my labor.  

I texted him back, Yeah, I did that, knocked on the door and he didn’t come back out!

He texts.  Ok, I’m almost there just wait. 

Home owner came out and I relayed to him what was told to me that he was supposed to show me what they had going on.  He brought me to a dirt area that had some roots.  He explained they were pulling out the roots and spraying the ones that couldn’t be pulled out with roundup.  It seemed like a pretty simple job.  The work was in preparation for installing astroturf so I presumed we deweed the area, and then I was going to bring the gravel from the front and fill in that area and the astro turf was going to be installed over the gravel.  

I was upset about how the contractor texted me, and not only in a way that came across as him yelling at me but also the implications of the text that I was expected to be doing something that there should have been no expectation of me doing, despite having done that thing already.  I’ve never worked with this guy before, he isn’t at the job site when I arrive, he thinks he can yell at me (in person I’d have told him about himself), and now he expects me to begin working on his job before he arrives for a non-specific amount of pay.  

When I asked what the pay was before going to the job he said don’t worry I’ll hook you up.  I decided not to press the issue at that time because I wanted to  make some money instead of no money. 

 I walked off the job and called the contractor who did not pick up.  I sent him the text Have your shit together, tell people what the pay is, and be at the site when it’s time to work.  I’m out.  

It was disappointing to miss whatever money I missed but my dignity is worth more than whatever the hook up was.  

The next job I found was two days before Thanksgiving washing windows.

In these first 10 days I’ve only found work 3 days and made $385.  For whatever reason the moving company did not call me back.  I think part of the reason may have been he suspected me of being under cover DOT because of how candid I was about my previous experience.  I talked about tactics used to boost the revised estimate that were employed in my previous experience.  While the tactics expected from my previous employer in interstate moving were deceptive, they were necessary to make sure everyone had an opportunity to make real money as opposed to other companies that may have been more honest with customers but paid their employees like shit.  

There was one job he did that stands out to me which was particularly unethical and funny.  There was a large move that was probably about 2800 cubic feet.  The owner closed this job.  I delivered half of it which is why I know the story and he told me about it.  A 26ft box truck has 1750 cubic feet of storage.  He told the owner that the box truck is 2000 cubic feet which isn’t too bad.  He quoted the job for 4000 cubic feet for two box trucks and then charged a high fee for guaranteed day of delivery.  What he did next was what was funny.  

They loaded the truck a little less than half way.  Than half way and then he had one of his guys make wardrobe boxes and add layers of empty wardrobe boxes to take up more space so he could show the customer that two trucks were full.  Exaggerating space was common, and on smaller jobs if they had 300cf you tell them they have 600cf and they typically don’t know.  Even if they haven’t added any items you tell them it isn’t what the items are its how they can be stacked and so on and so forth.  But outside of this, I never heard of adding a 1000cf by using empty wardrobe boxes.  That was funny to me.  

Another tactic used was lowering the pre pickup weight of the truck.  Some foreman would leave part of one of the tires off of the scale when they weighed the truck empty which decreases the weight.  Then after you load the customers items when you have the truck all the way on the scale you get an extra few hundred to 1000 pounds or more.  I was almost caught doing this by a person who used to be a truck driver and knew the game.  I weighed the truck before I got to the pick up and gave the customer the weight.  I added probably an extra 1000lbs.  However, on the delivery because this was one of the few jobs I deliver myself the guy wanted to be present to weigh the truck after I unloaded.  I told him I was in a hurry and would only charge him the original estimate and he accepted this concession.  

These were some of the things I discussed with the owner and I think discussing these things with him made it seem like I was trying to get him to admit to these practices and caused him to believe I may have been undercover DOT.  I was just trying to express that I was experienced.   

On Thanksgiving Day there was an opportunity to hold a place in line outside of a Gamestop.  The deal was if I’m 1st or 2nd in line he’ll pay me $100 at 6:30 am the day after Thanksgiving.  I arrived at the first game stop at 5:40.  There was 1 person waiting in line and three chairs.  I made it a point to tell him that I’m second in line, because in order to be waiting in line it requires that a person occupy the space with their physical presence.  We came into that understanding and he agreed after some resistance that a person needs to be present to be considered as being in line.  I snapped a photo and contacted the person who was retaining my services. 

I asked the man in line if he was waiting for a PS5.  He told me this store only had the XBox Series X.  It was listed on the door that this GameStop only had 8 XBox Series X and no PS5s.  I called the person who retained my services and he told me he was only interested in a PS5.  

I went to a second game stop and there were already at least 4 people in line and only 2 PS5s at this location.  

I decided to try one more location on my way home.  There’s 2 groups of people in cars with chairs sitting outside.  I exchange words with one of the people in the car and he accuses me of trying to bully them out of their spot.  He knows his physical presence is required to be considered as being in line.  I know he knows this because he tries to say the people in the store told him they had to wait in their cars because of covid, which is of course a lie because the store wasn’t open.  

I took a picture of the empty chairs and a picture of myself in front of the store.  Unfortunately the person who I was holding the spot for didn’t want the spot under those conditions.  I didn’t want to wait there all night and not be paid.  Had it been me trying to buy a ps5 I’m confident gamestop would have agreed that being in line requires your physical presence.  I should have told the guy to give me the money and I’ll get him the ps5 but I didn’t think of it until after I left.  

I don’t have the photo I snapped that night but I do still have the photo of my turkey.  I read a bunch of articles about not basting your turkey and I was offended by this.  This is what you get when you baste.

Thursday, November 12th, 2020 

I took a shower at Father Joe’s and I went to Neil center where I learned that if you’re there in the morning at 8am there is the potential to get a shelter bed. 

I received the call from human services on schedule.  I had to send a picture of my ID and a screen shot of the charges I still have warrants for in Wisconsin. Shortly after she called me to tell me she was approving my EBT and I could pick up my card at human services anytime before 3pm. 

I went to human services and after seeing the woman at the desk I was given a ticket and had to wait until the card was completed and my number was called.  While I was waiting there was a woman in a wheelchair with a dog who was crying.  On a previous occasion I offered to push her in the line but she declined the assistance.  Another woman who I exchanged a few words with knew her and talked to her.  She said people were following her.  It was likely a figment of her imagination, but after saying it was someone who was across the street her friend went over and talked to the person who the woman in the chair said was following her.  When the woman walked past me I told her I like that in you that was some stand up shit.  She smiled and said thanks.  Even if the man across the street probably wasn’t following the woman in the chair, seeing him confronted makes her feel better in showing that someone cares about her and maybe to settle her mind about the perceived stalking.  

I spoke with her after that.  She brought up a woman who was laying on the sidewalk across the street saying she didn’t understand how a woman can get like they because she had a pussy.  I said yeah that definitely has market value, and I think the same thing when I see women holding signs.  She asked what I meant?  I told her the amount of time invested for the amount of money you get out of doesn’t make sense and she understood that.  

She mentioned she was going to go home to cook a fat steak and relax.  If I was so inclined I probably could have gone home with her but I’m not parasitic.  Had she offered I would have accepted that invitation and smashed whatever was left to smash.  I’m sure she had been a prostitute at some point.  Pimps, prostitutes, and those who understand morality objectively are among those who take the positions that we took.  

After I obtained my EBT card I went to 11th and C street to go to a dispensary.  There was man walking and another man ran up behind him and lunged towards him yelling.  Then again  I don’t know if they got a history with one another that caused him to do that.  Then near the other side of the street he did it from the front to a woman.  There was a member of the transit police who witnessed the act and she didn’t say shit. When I brought it up to her she said that outside of the stop wasn’t her jurisdiction, and I imagine she isn’t trying to do anything for the probably $15 an hour she’s making.  

I yelled this an example of money in politics. (In that private security on transit serves the private interest to make money, but not the public interest of providing security)  A clear example of a private interest influencing public policy to serve its interest over the interest of the public.  We don’t have to pay police officer wages to have a public security force operating as a branch of the police with San Diego city jurisdiction who focuses on transit enforcement.  This could have the added benefit of serving as a training ground for new police officers as opposed to putting people out into the field who have no experience.  

You cannot provide a service and make a profit for less than it costs to provide the service without the profit, unless you’re squeezing your profit out of labor, and even then that model could be mirrored in a non-profit environment.  In paying private security to protect a public asset you’re paying more for less security.  If transit enforcement was done by an agency under law enforcement they would have jurisdiction to secure the surrounding area.  You’re also ensuring that the men and women who do an excellent job of transit enforcement are paid less than they should be,(1)

 and trapped with little opportunity for advancement if they stay with the company.  I presume the business model is sustainable, and that means there is room for the transit enforcement to get paid, and for the public to pay less for more security.  I’m sure the company is very supportive of the politicians and the one private citizen who serves on the MTS board.      

1: They did a good job in enforcement, were very respectful, informative, and professional.  A little too professional sometimes.  The day after I was told about the ordinance stating that if a person is waiting for the trains and two of the same trains pass I asked a pair of transit enforcement officers if this was true.  I was told it was.  Just fucking around making conversation, I asked what if I left after the second train passed, and then came back.  One of the officers laughed and the other one stayed in officer mode and told me he would tell the person to leave the area, catch the next train, or cite them for loitering because they’ve shown no intent to get on the train.  That seems correcting barring any extenuating circumstances for the behavior.

I’m on the green line on my way to buy a cartridge and at a stop this dude yells a bunch of shit through the back door and pulls the cover on what I thought was a fire alarm, (2) I’m trying to get some real thc in my life for about the first time in 5 sleepless and stress filled days.  Everybody else on the train including the 100lb blond chic who was standing in front of him they also had some place to go.  I was closest. I jumped from my seat and rushed him intending to punch him.  When I got up and moved towards him and said something along the lines of what’s your problem he backed up real quick. 

2: I found out later that the lever was actually an emergency door release not a fire alarm but the consequence would presumably been the same delaying me and the rest of the passengers

I’m trying to sleep on the train and there was someone on the other end yelling loud talking very aggressively.  The train reached its final stop and everyone got off except for me and him.  I didn’t have my contacts in so I couldn’t see.  At that time I was so tired I wasn’t even thinking too much about it.  I put on my shoes expecting to fight him.  This wasn’t just because he was doing this and I was trying to sleep, it was because I felt it was intended specifically to not let me sleep.  It wasn’t something that was just happening and I happened to be on the car I was on.  As I finished putting my second shoe on two transit officers came on the train and removed him from the bus.  Without force.  

The train starts back up and the lady who appears crazy sits down in the seat in front of me or the seats in front of those seats.  She starts banging a plastic bottle on the rails, like she’s practicing a drum solo.  I put my shoes on, I get up and get off at the next stop and hop back on the next car.  

I listen to her sometimes when she talks to herself and as those things go she isn’t that bad.  Her stories make sense regardless of whether they’re true or not.  Her C&E assignments to objects are still functional, even if the stories are based on some misinterpretation of fact.   This is based off of a few clips I’ve heard, one of which had to do with a man but she paid all the bills and what she said after that made sense with that which I’ve paraphrased.  

Like many of them she needs attention and opportunity.  How are you going to tell someone about needing to address their mental condition or drug dependency and expect them to take it seriously when they’re sleeping on the fucking street?  When their whole day even if they did have opportunity revolves around trying to maintain basic necessities in their life?  I also heard her say therapy was a crock of shit.  I think she’s right based on some very casual distant impressions from therapy, but also the results I see  and inconsistencies in people who have been through therapy.  The point is I would have liked to talk to her but she’s yelling shit that made it difficult to talk to her.  Probably my second day there I was walking about 50 feet from the 7/11 at City College Station and she opened up the door and yelled rapists and some other shit.  I didn’t take it as if she was talking to me, but I don’t take risks with people potentially putting that word on me.   

The train I was on stopped suddenly and I had to find my way outside of the train station and take a bus downtown.  The bus put me near City College Station and I needed to go to Santa Fe to wait for the greenline to start running.  I got on a train at City College Station.

There was a large man in the back talking loud to himself.  He smacked his face and said “she smacked me in the face”.  I understood that he was not part of the shenanigans, he was just in his mind speaking out loud.  We had a conversation and I don’t know if it began with me speaking with him or him speaking with me.  I wish I remembered the whole conversation.  He asked me if I had a GED.  I told him yes, in the house of corrections in 2000.  Then I realized I shouldn’t have introduced those objects to him for which he has no point of reference.  There were other situations when I did better.  He mentions an object and he knows what that object is, and I associate other objects with it, which builds his understanding.  He asked me if I ever got a detention in school.  I said I think everyone has probably got a detention.  I don’t remember the other parts of the conversation and there were not many more, but it reminded me of how I would talk to some people in San Francisco.  They may say something that doesn’t make sense or that is just off and I wouldn’t try to respond to the whole assertion or dissect and refute it, I would take something in what was said and say something about it.  Wherever the conversation would go I’d follow it where they took it.  When I got off the train he threw up a peace sign to me.  That felt good especially after the night and week I was happy to know that someone who probably doesn’t have a whole lot of conversations like that felt good because of my attention.  I needed that shit.    

A man came up to me while I was standing near the last stop for the blue line across the street from Santa Fe Station.  He asked me if I saw a guy come through on a scooter.  I told him yeah about 10 minutes earlier but he was moving pretty fast.  He must have been doing about 20mph on it.   He introduced himself as Richie.  He told me had $16,000 but didn’t want to claim it because he makes bad decisions.  I figured he was full of shit. 

There were two points I didn’t make about him saying he needed to make better choices.  The first is that most of his choices are based on his present circumstances, where he has opportunities to make better choices with $16000 than he does with whatever money he’s presently making that goes into probably whatever drug makes him feel good.  Second, in order to make better choices you need different anchoring values and perhaps new values.  If he’s smoking hard he has to have something that makes him feel better than smoking rocks that smoking rocks interferes with.  If he doesn’t have anything he likes better than that why wouldn’t he continue to smoke?  And if smoking doesn’t interfere with whatever it is that he values more, why would he stop smoking?  Most of what people say is more important to them isn’t actually important to them, it’s perceived as being popularly important, so people say they want to quit using drugs because x y and z is important.  Then they keep on doing drugs because that feeling is greater than the feelings they derive from x y and z.      

Friday, November 13th, 2020 

I went to the Neil Center, very tired, now on 96 hours with a few hours of shitty sleep, (although on Thursday I did sleep better for about an hour where I was completely out).  The first half was eerily quiet and I had the cartridge I smoked that relaxed my body, but I was still very tired when I showed up at the Neil Center sometime before 7.  I was going to get there at 4 to make sure I was the first person in line for the shelter but the green line going in that direction would be the first one that came so I decided to catch it to try to get another hour of sleep in.  The security guard with the beard who does his job extremely well, with the right mix of being casual, helpful, and seemingly genuine in concern and compassion for the people he’s dealing with told me I can go in and come out at about 7:30 or 7:45.  I just wanted to know where to stand so I said so I should be right here right now?  He said “you should be”, and that’s where I was at and I was the first one on the list.  I was very disappointed when she said there were no shelter beds.  

Subaru donated blankets and the Neil Center distributed them.  I decided to take the Subaru blanket and go to the park I was at on my second day in San Diego.  It was a relaxed park in a hispanic neighborhood and when I was there the first time people were laying out on the grass and on the bleachers.  I mention it was a hispanic neighborhood because other than the south side of Milwaukee, most hispanic neighborhoods are smooth.   

I went to the bus stop on I think 16th and market to catch the 3 to the park.  While I was waiting a woman was revving her engine and then the car was lurching forward.  At first it seemed like she was holding the break and revving the engine and then stepping on the brake.  Then she was revving the engine and the car wasn’t moving.  I thought her transmission wouldn’t go into gear.  I asked her if she wanted me to push her across the intersection so she could park the car on the side of the road.  She made some response in the affirmative.  I pushed her across the street or nearly across the street while I watched my bags.  When she was nearly across the intersection that we were blocking off during the opposite traffic’s greenlight she put the car in gear and sped off.   

I was sitting down on 12th and Imperial and a man with college flyers in his hand approached me and asked if I was interested in a job in fiber optics.  I’m somewhat familiar with the work having worked at a home depot (through another company) for two weeks and there were guys doing the work that this work sounded like it consisted of.  I told him I was interested.  He asked for a number to give to his boss and told me his boss would call me on Monday.  I never received that call but at the time it was a good prospect.

I needed to finish up the new version of SCA I was working on and I couldn’ do it without sleep.  I remembered I saw an ad offering rooms for about $45 and I decided I needed to spend that to get the sleep to finish and submit the advancements I’d made in SCA.  

I was waiting for the orange line at City College Station and Ritchie came up to me and told me he might have a job for me at the laundry for 13 an hour.  I told him I just received another offer but if that didn’t pan out I’d work in the laundry.  I performed “shit shaking” in the house of corrections, where we separated shitty mental health care clothing, so I could do whatever laundry they had.  I also ran the dryer which was an industrial dryer.  I had to be brief because the orange line was coming that I needed to catch to get to that hotel and I did not want to lose time in that mfer.  

On my GPS it showed the cross streets that she gave me were fairly close to the orange line.  So I decided to walk.  I came to an intersection where there were 2 lanes of cars turning right.  The light turned green and I began to walk across and the first car had to stop after he was ready to make that turn, and then there was a second lane of cars and he had to stop.  One of these mfers had an intercom hooked up to their car.  They said thanks for waiting, asshole.  I was tired retorted with uncharacteristicly soft enthusiasm lacking fuck you.  He was clearly wrong, pedestrians have the right away especially on a green light.  Him and the other cars are the ones who needed to wait.  

I head across the next street and this time I have a walk sign.  This bitch speeds around the corner and almost hits me.  I yell what the fuck are you doing bitch?  I’m pretty sure she said she was sorry.  

I’m right around the corner from Kenwood drive and Campo.  There was nothing there.  I called the hotel and the woman told me I had to go down further.  I walked to the next light.  I went to an atm because I wanted to pay in cash.  Then I took the bus the rest of the way.  The issue was there are two Kenwood drives on Campo, one is a small residential three way and the other is a large intersection.  

The room was decent and I felt good the following day.

Saturday, November 14th, 2020

During my time in San Diego I was asked frequently for cigarettes and a few times for money.  Under most circumstances when I have money coming in I don’t mind sparing a dollar here or there.  The feeling of helping somebody exceeds the feeling that could be gained from the substance sacrificed.  However, when I don’t have an income it adds up so I didn’t give too much of shit to people in San Diego, unless of course it was someone I was in conversation with, then I’d look out especially since they’d typically look out for me with a hit of weed or something along those lines.  

After sleeping I remembered when I left the airport there was a food court that was pretty much empty and seemingly no one was checking to see who was supposed to be there and who was not.  I stopped at a Burger King and used my EBT to get the 2 for 6 whoppers but the seating area was closed.  I went down the block and was eating my whoppers.  An old homeless man came by and asked if I had some change he could get something to eat with.  I told him I bought these with EBT.  Then I offered him the rest of my first whopper that I only took a few bites out of and he accepted it.  

I went to the airport, finished SCA and submitted it to the Cognition Journal. 

After finishing SCA I went back to Sante Fe Station.  While I was waiting this dude who said he went by bear tried selling me some jewelry.  I declined but he struck up a conversation with me and smoked some weed with me.  I gave him a water.  He had just came into some merchandise he was trying to sell and told me how he got it.  I told him he better not be telling people that shit or he’s going to get caught.  It was really stupid for him to tell me because he doesn’t know anything about me, I could have been the police.  

I’m laying down on the train and this dude gets on the train and periodically beats on his seat.  I say hey man, you need to keep beating on the chair like that?  He said I’m beating to my music.  I say something else to him and he says why don’t you sleep at home?  (I should have asked him why he didn’t beat to his music in his car)  I told him because I don’t have a home.  I tell him you beat on the chair just because you see me trying to sleep, you spend your life trying to fuck with people because you’re a bitch in life.  He said he was an asshole.  I wanted to whoop his ass so bad.  I get up and stand a few feet from him.  I was thinking about hitting him but not too seriously.  I was waiting to get off the car even though he didn’t hit the chair again after I addressed him.  He was scared and said what’s up to his guy across the train, as if I was going to hit him, him knowing someone on the train would deter me.  I didn’t have my contacts in so I couldn’t see his guy real well, but by the time his guy would have got there he’d have been starched and it would have been me versus his guy and that’s probably much too tall an order for the outline of the person I saw.  It was after this that I knew I had to leave San Diego, otherwise I don’t see any way with the way people were playing that I didn’t catch a battery case. 

Now I am in Vegas. Sunday morning I found someone who was willing to rent me a space for $300 a month. Then I found a plane ticket for 49 dollars to Las Vegas that ended up being about 90 dollars with a checked bag and tax. In less than 24 hours I found a day labor service I’m going to begin working at tomorrow, and a moving job I should be starting this weekend. The moving job is for a foreman position. I talked to the owner today who knows I know the business and will likely hire me as a foreman after having a chance to see me work.

11/2020 One Week In San Diego

Sunday, November 8th, 2020

In 2015 when my van broke down in San Francisco, San Francisco health and human services offered shelter the first day I identified myself as being homeless.  I presumed San Diego would operate similarly, but the $27 flight was for Sunday, where the following day was probably in the neighborhood of $100 or more.  I posted an ad on CL to see if anyone had a room or a couch they would be willing to rent me for $15 to $20, for some help around the house, for my company, or the good feelings associated with knowing they’ve helped someone.  I received multiple responses, most of which were sexually charged.  There was one from a man named Gerry who said he had an empty guest room detached from the house and I could spend the night there free of charge.  

My first order of business was to purchase a THC cartridge.  This was imperative business to me to take away the stress of being in a new area and figuring a lot of things out on the fly.  The first dispensary I looked up was nearby.  I walked to it and there was no dispensary at that location.  I googled another dispensary that was supposed to be near university avenue and about 3 blocks from I think I15 and there was no dispensary there.  I went to a taqueria and purchased a Torta which was one of the worst tortas I’ve ever tasted.  I called Gerry and he offered to pick me up, my location not being far from his house.  

He was older and mentioned that he lived alone, appreciated the company, and mentioned he recently had hernia surgery and claimed he broke his hip from his dog pulling him over.  There was some other conversation but I noticed an assortment of items sitting on the chair that looked like they belonged somewhere else.  I asked him if he wanted me to move the items and he said he didn’t know where he wanted to put them yet.  He told me I could go check out the room.  

The room was perfect for the night.  A couch with blankets and a fan.  I like a fan to fall asleep.  I laid down for about an hour and then went back to the house.  I didn’t want to just go in the room and not provide some company or assistance as I agreed to do.  In the house the second time he asked me if I partied.  I asked what he meant by that since that term means a lot of different things to different people.  No one has actually ever smoked crack, it hasn’t happened, that’s just partying.  In this case he was talking about meth.  I told him I didn’t do that. I pretty much only smoke weed although there are times when I’ve done other drugs (like cocaine) but didn’t really do it.  In social settings and I’m drinking with people who are doing cocaine I’ll do a line with them.  It feels good for a little bit and then I become stupid, and there are people who I used to associate with who liked to give me a line just for those purposes.  A little while later he asked if I wanted to smoke or snort some meth.  I declined.  I presume this was probably an effort to work up towards some sexual end that he believed the meth would have facilitated.  

Shortly after I declined the offer he received a phone call he said was from his brother.  He went into his den area and when he came out he said he had to go fix a furnace at an apartment.  I went to the guest house and relaxed for a little while.  A few hours later he texted me he’d be back in 5 minutes.  Probably an hour, maybe a little longer after that I texted him to ask if I could use the bathroom he told me to come in.  I used the bathroom. We exchanged a few words and I told him I appreciated him letting me sleep in his guest house, it really helped to save the money. 

Monday, November 9th, 2020 

I don’t remember the exact time I left but I believe it was about 7:30.  I just remember wanting to get to human services at about the time they opened.  I went to 7/11 which was about 4 blocks from his house, purchased water, a string cheese, and something else I cannot remember.  San Diego HHS is not like San Francisco HHS.  They do not place people in shelters and they don’t immediately do an interview and provide you with an EBT card like they do in SF.  I filled out an application and was told I would be receiving a call for an interview later in the day.  

I went to the library located near 28th and Ocean something, which was a street not near the ocean.  I thought the library was the building on the corner so I went to the park which was next to the building under construction.  While I was waiting for the call I began working on ASC.  The phone eventually rang and the woman on the other end conducted a preliminary interview and during this time I revealed that I had misdemeanor warrants in Wisconsin which disqualified me from receiving general relief.  General relief when I was in SF was only $60 a month so I wasn’t too disappointed.  She said it didn’t affect my Calfresh.  At the conclusion of the interview she told me someone would be calling later in the day to schedule an appointment.  Later I received a phone call from the same number.  I picked up the phone but there was nothing there.  I presumed the call dropped.  I called the number back but it didn’t accept incoming calls.  

My next challenge was figuring out my sleeping situation for that night.  I went to the old town station and discovered my day pass granted me access to the trolley.  The trolley isn’t a trolley in the traditional sense like San Francisco or Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, it’s a train like they have in most cities.  As I entered the train there was already someone laying down which increased my confidence in the idea.  In Denver the police do not allow you to sleep on the trains.  This was one positive for San Diego.  

It was difficult to fall asleep on the train.  It seemed like as soon I was able to make some progress towards entering actual sleep transit security would wake me up for my pass.  Then I’d scan and go back to sleep.  Most of the time you’re not actually sleeping, you’re just laying there with your eyes closed trying to become comfortable enough to go to sleep.  You may get a half hour to an hour of actual sleep per session.  

My sleep schedule was divided into sessions from about 8pm to 12am when the train stopped running and then about 4am to 8am after the train resumed operation.  In those 8 hours I might sleep two hours at most depending on assholes and asshole security who would wake me up to check my pass multiple times as if my day pass could somehow expire in the same day.  

My first night after the train stopped running I had a conversation with a guy who was really into heavy metal and looked just as into crystal meth as he was into heavy metal.  Isn’t to knock him, I don’t look down on anyone for what they do to cope with their situation in life so long as how they do it doesn’t interfere with anyone elses liberty.  Absent balance in morality.  He told me about a dispensary called Klover where they had high quality products.  We had other conversations but I don’t remember what we discussed.  

Later a man came over telling me he was Honduran and asked if I could look up the direction to his house.  His name was Mario and among his stories he was a boxer who grew up in Mexico, his father was Italian, he had been all over the world, and a whole lot of other shit that I couldn’t definitively say was false, but most of it definitely wasn’t true.  At one point in the conversation he said you know because I’m Mexican, and I said I thought you were Honduran.  He laughed and was like ohhhhh knowing he was caught in that initial lie but it was just entertainment.  I appreciated his company for passing the time.  

Tuesday, November 10th, 2020 

I went to HHS to explain what happened with the second phone call that dropped.  The woman at the counter looked up my case and told me I had a phone interview scheduled for the 12th at 12:30pm.  

After this I went to father Joe’s and filled out some paperwork to take a shower.  Next was storage.  There were multiple storage locations listed on the paper.  The first one I went to was not the storage I was looking for.  They did long term storage and I was looking for accessible storage where I could put my clothes up and drop off my coat for the day.  This storage was located on 20th and commercial.  A man named Chris went through the paperwork with me.  I almost didn’t proceed with it because the woman told me I had to go through orientation at 10:30 and I didn’t realize it was already about 10:15.  I almost cancelled because I didn’t want to come back.  That storage had a huge impact on my comfort.   I also became acquainted with the Neil Center that I originally went to to charge my electronics.  

I think I began riding the train early and may have done some editing of SCA on the train.  

I rode the blue line instead of the green line this day and there was an issue towards the end of the running time where a train was pulled out of service and a replacement had to be brought in to complete the route.  This train ran until 1:30am which was good for me because it meant I only had about 2 and a half hours instead of 4 hours to wait for the next train.  In that wait I had a conversation with a man named Marcus who smoked a little weed with me as we listened to the other guy on the bench next to us play his music.  He had some decent tracks on that play list, Dayton Family Shadows, and a few others.  I remember that song because it isn’t a very common song.  

Wednesday, November 11th, 2020 

By now I’ve basically been up for 48 hours.  I sleep but I do not sleep.  I wake up prior to my alarm going off on the trolley.  I should say I looked at my phone and saw that my alarm was set to go off soon so I decided to put my contacts in and proceed with my day.  A man sits down in the seats across from me and is making an extremely annoying sound with his mouth.  It isn’t some habit or trying to clear his teeth, it is seemingly done intent on bothering and antagonizing.  I mimicked the sound adding some exaggeration to it.  I don’t remember what I said to him but he asked if I had a problem.  I said no, I didn’t have a problem until you sat down making those unecessary mother fucking noises.

He started saying thank you lord and some other Christian nonsense that implied he was restraining himself from escalating the confrontation through the power of his deity.  He stopped making the noise except for a final 2 times which he did just prior to exiting.  Then he contradicted his piety by getting up abruptly, scuttling his feet as if he was going to rush me.  I watched out of the corner of my eye and was unimpressed with his effort to intimidate, hoping he would have because then I would have been justified in whooping his ass.  I’m typically not a violent person, but I have proven effective at it and in the absence of sleep we are all more aggressive than we otherwise would be.  The contradiction is if you are acting in your faith by not escalating and then you make an effort to pretend like you’re going to escalate intent on intimidation you cannot be sincere in mercy while trying to cause fear.  Yes I would have liked to whoop his ass because as I mentioned, the act seemed intentional.  

I went to the neil center to charge my electronics.  Storage was not open because of veterans day.  

I was waiting on the benches on the greenline.  I was actually writing something similar to this, reflecting on the few days I’d been in San Diego.  The transit police asked me if I was catching a train.  I defensively told them I did but I was waiting because it was a peak time for passengers so I didn’t want to crowd the train for the regular commuters.  I had a day pass which he checked and I told him I can either wait here on the bench or I can get on the train.  He told me I should get on the next train.  

In this situation with almost no sleep in the last few days, having called the two shelter numbers on the human services handout and neither having answered, I decided I didn’t have enough problems at the moment and wanted to see if I could fetch another.  I thought about it and I didn’t believe he had the authority to tell me to get on the train since I had a pass.  I thought my pass granted me the right to be there.  As he walked back into the waiting area I approached him and told him I wasn’t going to get on the train.  He told me I was being detained for loitering.  I asked him what the ordinance is?

The ordinance states if 2 trains pass while someone is waiting they can be cited for loitering whether or not they have a pass since the act demonstrates their intent is not to ride the train.  His reasoning for why he could cite was incorrect as he stated you said on camera you weren’t going to catch the next train.  It doesn’t matter if I say I’m going to violate an ordinance I have to violate the ordinance through an act otherwise the act of stating I’m going to violate the ordinance doesn’t constitute a violation.  However, I was still in violation since I could presumably be shown to have been waiting at the stop for more than 2 trains.  

This occurred at about 5pm on Wednesday where the last real sleep I had ended Monday morning at about 6:30am.  I’m about 60 hours without sleep minus maybe 3 very low quality hours when I would actually be sleeping over the last few days.  Later that evening I had another incident on the train where I considered myself to be the asshole for how I approached it.  It was near the end of the night for train service.  Blue line leaving the international border I was the only one on the train and one person entered the train.  They must have had a video game hooked up to a portable speaker.  It sounded like Golden Axe and was extremely loud.  After a few minutes I said you want to cut that mother fucking noise down?  The person did.  I immediately realized I probably could have achieved the same result with a less aggressive approach, but heading into hour 70 without any rem sleep will do that to you.  

Jammal came over by me a little bit later.  He was at the Neil Center earlier in the day.  He was being interviewed for his intake and the staff said “don’t tell me to shut the fuck up”.  It was puzzling because Jammal was just standing there, calm, not looking like he had told anyone to shut the fuck up.  When we were talking he said the sound of her voice was irritating him and he did tell her to shut the fuck up.  He had a cigarette he shared with me and another person who came over to us.  I gave him some men’s daily gummy vitamins.

12/2/2018 to 11/2020

See the Florida Ordeal. 

11/2018

Later that night I found an ad to unload a truck for $14 an hour cash the next morning, something that eased my mind enough for me to sleep. 

In the morning I arrived at the location which was a Christmas tree point of sale located on Santa Fe.  I asked a person if he was here to unload trucks, I think his name was Shane, and he told me he was and I should go over by the entrance to wait for Pete.  There were others waiting in the same location.  The first semi backed in and we started unloading massive trees, some probably near 15ft.  We unloaded the large trees, and then some wreaths and smaller trees.  There was a second truck, but being that we unloaded the first truck in about an hour to an hour and a half, I was worried it may only be a 3-hour day.  Fortunately, there was a third truck, which we finished around 2:30.  This gave us 6 hours on the day, but then Shane told me Pete needed someone to go with him to work at another location. 

We drove to the other location which was about an hour drive because of traffic, and stayed there until about 530, finally getting back to the Santa Fe location around 6:30.  I got 10 hours and a much needed $140.  In addition, Pete asked me to come back the next morning.

The following morning, I arrived early.  A worker from the day before came up to my window while I was smoking a bowl before I got started.  We talked about how fast people were working the day before, agreeing that we are paid by the hour, and other worker interest related talk. 

We started the day unloading a truck.  The guy who came up to my car window was a tyrant with the other workers, shouting commands, telling them to hurry up, and insulting their intelligence telling them to watch out for the wheel multiple times as the truck moved, as if they were not of the mind to avoid the semi as it moved.  I was very irritated with him, especially since we just discussed work the previous day the way we had.  Talking about the field to me in the morning, and then once work began ran into the house.  I wanted to confront him about it but he gave me no in. 

Once we finished unloading the truck, Shane and the tyrant, who I figured probably snitched on me about smoking weed in the parking lot and shared other things I said, went off to help Pete try to find the source of a power outage in the trailer which served as the office.  I told the other workers that dude just started yesterday, he’s a CL worker just like the rest of us, and basically, they didn’t have listen to what he was saying.  One of the guys said “I thought he was the owner the way he was acting.” 

Shortly thereafter, Pete sent the tyrant home and another guy, I think the one who made the comment about thinking the tyrant was the owner.  Shane and another worker were sent to the other location, although Shane wanted to take me. 

The rest of the day we loaded a flatbed a few times with trees, set trees up on display from inventory, and tied a few trees onto people’s cars.  I was frustrated because Pete wanted all of us to assist customers as well as complete other jobs we were tasked with, but at least with me, he didn’t provide me with any of the information required to assist customers.  I had no prices, no information about the differences of the trees, and was ill equipped to perform with any degree of effectiveness.  I brought a tree up for customers, but there was no tag for them to bring in to pay for the tree and check out.  We waited until one of the other guys brought a sales tag and put his name on it.  I wasn’t too concerned about him getting credit for the sale because I had no tags, prices or info to make any sales.  At one point he put prices on a few of the trees, and so I was like ok, all the trees here are the same prices as the 5 out of 1000s of trees in the lot?  It was frustrating, to the point where when a customer would ask me about a tree I’d tell them to find a sales person. 

I started at 8:30am, and we finished at 9:30pm.  13 hours.  I’m called into the trailer at the end of the day and Pete tells me he doesn’t have the cash on him to pay me.  He had a check book and I was going to take a check but he said if you’re coming back tomorrow I can pay you cash.  Then he went into some areas that were suspect. 

He asked me if I knew anyone here working at the lot.  He told me he wanted to put me on payroll, which I didn’t have too much of a problem with, but he also said he’s trying to keep this sinking ship afloat.  I wasn’t sure how the ship was sinking when he had about a million dollars’ worth of merchandise, and was distributing large quantities of trees to other lots all over Denver and beyond.  All of which caused me to be suspicious of him.  I told him I could do payroll but not until Monday or Tuesday. 

There were two people who told me they saw a CL ad where people were accusing Pete of not paying them.  I was worried about this during the evening as I was trying to fall asleep, and felt stupid for not taking the check. 

The next morning, I arrived about a half hour before I was scheduled to, because I was not going to work another day before I was paid for the previous day.  He already had people there unloading a truck.  I waited until he was finished and expressed to him that I wanted to square up for yesterday before I got started today. 

We went into the office and he handed me $140 and I told him it was short, I should have had 13 hours at $14 per hour.  He told me we didn’t get paid for the hour when the electricity went out, which is bullshit because we are still there and it is our time, and then he told me working the lot was only $12 per hour, as he handed me the other $4.  He asked if I wanted to work and I did, but I told him I needed cash at the end of the day. 

He said he’ll put me on payroll, and if I do a good job, (which he knows I do) he wouldn’t take any taxes out.  He said he’d give me a 60% draw daily, but when I asked when I would receive the other 40% I did not get a straight answer on that.  60% of 12$ is about 7.50 an hour, and I was not about to work for $7.50 an hour.  I speculated that he would probably keep the 40% and claim it went to taxes despite not filling out a w4 or any other paperwork. 

The biggest thing was if he is paying people cash daily, why couldn’t he pay me cash as well?  He said people liked to cherry pick him, so putting people on payroll was a way to make sure they worked for him consistently, but I worked 23 hours for him the last two days, and was there early the third day, there was no reason to believe I would be inconsistent in terms of attendance.  In fact, during the second day, I felt as if I found something to put myself in a great position moving forward.  Probably 25 days of work, making $170 a day, I could potentially save $3000 in less than a month.  But he was on bullshit. 

That Sunday I found an unloading gig, where I worked less than 2 hours and made $100.  The next day I went to LA Insurance and purchased a policy for a little over $170.  Afterwards I went to the DMV, but in Colorado, you have to go to the DMV in the county where your address is, so I was sent to another DMV to register the car and get the temporary plates.  I drove to Overland Pond Park, which was my new residence after the RV eviction.  I told myself see, all that stressing you were doing on Thursday was for no reason. 

I found other jobs, many coming through a guy named Dan who contracted moving labor services.  I also worked for a woman who contracted junk removal services named Pam with a man named Don who she also hired.  She paid well and it was a cool work environment.  I worked regularly for a man named Calvin “Corona” Mier who contracted construction labor services with construction companies.  In March I found a moving job, began as a driver, after my first trip I was promoted to foreman, and a few months later I was in a partnership with the owner of the company. 

Out of the Trailer and Into the Car    

About a week prior to getting notice from Alberto that he wanted me to move, he said he was barely breaking even, and was otherwise complaining about money.  I told him Ill purchase the propane which is 75$ for as long as I am going to be staying there.

I had 7 days before I was going to be leaving.  I was looking on Craigslist for a car and found one that seemed to be mechanically sound despite high mileage.  After a brief test drive I bought the car.  The next day I woke up and the propane was empty. 

While at work, I received a text from Alberto saying he bought propane and it would be $75.  I had 6 days until I had to be out and I was not about to pay 75$ to buy propane for him, when I was only going to be staying there 6 more days.  I had a text message from the last time propane was purchased.  It was 42 days ago.  6 days of propane at $75 for 42 days was 1.71 per day, and came out to roughly 11 dollars for 6 days.  I texted this to him and told him I would give him $11, and he texted back that he wanted half or I could be out that night.  I was pissed by the ultimatum, but I was supposed to be paying rent for my final week that night, basically it was a

matter of saving $151 if I left a week early.  I didn’t respond, mainly because I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, especially considering I am a quality tenant, paid rent every week, maintained the trailer, and didn’t feel like I gave him any reason to come at me like that. 

When I got home from work I packed all my belongings into my car.  I texted him that he could stop by tomorrow to pick up rent and the money for the propane.  The goal was to spend one more night in the trailer. 

Unfortunately, he and his girlfriend who waited in the car came by later that night.  I was pissed, told him he was out his rabid ass mind if he thought I was giving him anything; rabid ass mind was a saying my deceased aunt used to use.  It was his trailer, he helped me by renting it to me, and if he wanted me out I had to leave, no matter how abrupt or how unkind the notice was.

This situation was not good for me.  I needed the week to work to have money for insurance and registration.  Worse still, the next day was thanksgiving and so I wouldn’t be able to work that day.  I had maybe $120, meaning I wouldn’t have been able to pay my rent and propane anyway, but had I given Alberto $100, I’m confident he would have let me give him the remaining 80 on Friday. 

The first day was difficult, partially because I am transitioning to different shelter accommodations, but more so because I pulled myself into this spiral of thought that produced a great deal of stress.  You only feel a certain way because you are thinking about something that causes you to feel that way.   Despite knowing this, there are times when circumstances are too overwhelming to make use of, even for a person who considers what he can do to create a favorable outcome, and ignores the contingencies he has no control over.  I had no insurance on this car and I had no plates.  My only thought was if I get pulled over they are probably taking the car.  If they take the car I am basically where I was 3 months ago, but much worse off due to the changing of the season.  I kept rolling it over and over in my head.  I was going to have to find work over the weekend, avoid the police not only when I am driving but also when I am parked to sleep, and the best-case scenario is I have the money for insurance and plates by Monday, which is 4 days away.  Again, it was Thanksgiving so I wasn’t going to be able to find work that day. All I could do was sit and think, which did nothing in terms of progress towards achieving these critical objectives.

Losing Trailer

I was working for RC Events through craigslist, taking down tents and picking up tables and chairs for an event across the street from the civic center in downtown Denver.  After work I needed cigarettes, so I didn’t catch the bus that brought me down to get back.  Instead I walked away from that stop to find a corner store and I eventually found a liquor store.  It was a long strenuous day so in addition to the cigarettes I purchased two 24oz cans of Miller Genuine Draft.  I didn’t drink very often but I really felt like having a beer after that day.   I drank both beers on my way to the light rail station, sharing one with an individual I met who was with a friend at the Auraria station.  I don’t remember their names.   

Possibly because I was buzzed and listening to music, I got off the train a stop too early, at Evans station instead of Englewood station.  I passed the station a few times on the 21 but I wasn’t sure if the 27 stopped there or not, and I half thought I was at the right station. 

A woman was sitting down presumably waiting for a bus.  Initially I walked past her to see if the stop lists the 27 which it did not.  Her name was Alona and she told me the 27 didn’t come to this stop, that I’d have to take the 21 to Federal.  Or I could have got back on the light rail, but conversation ensued. 

She talked about a legal issue, which in hindsight was probably something she made up because I didn’t hear too much more about it for the next few months I knew her.  I gave a brief rundown of a Center for Economic Planning and she seemed interested in the material. 

I slipped in a few jokes, the likes of which would have been situational and I don’t remember much more of what we discussed. 

We entered the bus, exchanged a few words, but since I didn’t have my card I asked her to write down my website, and then told her she can take my number down if she wants to call me.  She wrote the number on the corner of an advertisement she had with her.  I caught her smiling as she exited the bus.  

After a few days she called me and I was glad to hear from her, because when she didn’t call right away, I figured she wasn’t interested.  She called a few days later and we made plans to meet up either later that night or the next day.  

We hooked up a few times and then I took a break from her for reasons I won’t go into.  A woman I hooked up with in Colorado Springs wanted to see me again but those plans fell through and I eventually returned Alona’s call.  

I mention Alona for a few different reasons.  1st she is probably indirectly responsible for getting me kicked out of my trailer.  2nd, she was present during a fairly valuable interaction with the Sheridan Police. (3) She is also one of the few women I’ve kept contact with over the last few years.  Once I began interstate moving the women I met were typically one night hook ups because I was traveling so often.

3: Introduced me to case law governing police authority, Terry V. Ohio.  

I believe I was kicked out of the trailer because of a text I accidently sent to my landlord  that was in response to nonsense she was texting me.  She wrote “…and by the way I am pregnant”.  This wasn’t possible at the time.  I think it was about 2.5 weeks since she came over the first time, but I didn’t even finish in her until about the 3rd visit, so we were looking at about a week to week and a half.  She said she couldn’t get pregnant, otherwise I would have pulled out.

She texts: “…and by the way I am pregnant” 

I texted back “lol, wow, your life just got harder.” (4)

4: Just to reiterate, I knew she wasn’t pregnant, or at least she wasn’t pregnant by me, had she been.  I don’t want that statement to come off the wrong way.  If there was a possibility she was pregnant by me my response may have been different.

She wrote “my doctor was pissed you broke the stitches.”  

I wrote “what stitches?” 

She wrote back, “please nigga, already dead and gone, the ones that held my cervix shut.” 

I texted, “I am going to politely ask you to lose my number.  Please lose my number”

She texts, “you broke my stitches, I didn’t think I could get pregnant, sorry for whatever reason you don’t want to kick it and teach me some politics.” 

I wrote to her “you lie too much.  Not mad, enjoyed your company but I can’t do that brand of bullshitting.” 

At one point during the exchange I received a text from my landlord.  I looked up why a woman would have her cervix sewn shut.  The only explanation I found was a cervical cerclage which is a procedure to strengthen the womb of pregnant women.  I texted him “if you had a cervical cerclage, it means you were already pregnant.” 

 Later she said it was a hysterectomy but if she had a hysterectomy, getting pregnant isn’t possible.  The point being, I didn’t know I texted him for a few days and it is possible that he gave me notice to vacate because he thought I got someone pregnant and would be trying to raise a family in his RV. I don’t know.  

Prior to reaching this point, there was a time I met Alona near the crossing where I was staying and we were stopped by the Sheridan Police. 

I wrote two posts chronicling the event. 

I had the misfortune of being detained by law enforcement.  Myself and a female sat down on the way to my place.  An officer pulled up and turned his lights on.  He came out of the car and said what’s up.  I was aggravated because he stopped me when I wasn’t doing anything. I was non-compliant and became animated.  He stated all he needed to stop us was reasonable suspicion, and reasonable suspicion was based on the store we were sitting by,  being robbed multiple times recently.

I asked what was it about me that caused him to believe that I burglarized the store or was about to burglarize the store?  He refused to answer my question, only reasserting that he had reasonable suspicion.  The goal was for him to admit his profiling basis.  (something better applied by racial minorities, but there is a reason he chose to stop us and I wanted to know what it was)

After a brief period of yelling back and forth, including threats to taze me, I sat down and surrendered my ID.  3 more squad cars arrived, at which time the basis for the stop changed to “trespassing”, for the minute we stopped so she could retrieve a cigarette from her bag. 

Another officer cited Terry vs Ohio which I learned was the legal justification for reasonable suspicion.  I asked how the details of the case related to this situation.  He only repeated the explanation: a reasonable belief that a crime has been committed, could be committed, or is being committed based on the officer’s experience and the totality of the circumstances.  Because they changed the reason for the stop to trespassing, a crime was being committed through our presence, and therefore they had reasonable suspicion, or actually probable cause.  Reasonable suspicion to investigate whether we have permission to be on the property and then probable cause once they discover we do not have permission.  Initially it was our proximity to a place that had been burglarized in the past, as stated by the officer who made the stop. 

Upon reading the synopsis of the case I discovered the case that establishes reasonable suspicion consisted of two individuals ritually walking back and forth in front of a store.  They were joined by a third and were clearly surveying the business with the intent to rob it.  In our situation, there is a man and a woman who briefly stopped at a ledge which was nearly the same distance from the sidewalk as it was to the store.  A reasonable person would survey the area and conclude, if people needed to stop, this would be the only place in the area to do so, because there are no other places to stop; aside from sitting on the sidewalk which I presume would be in violation of an ordinance prohibiting obstruction of the sidewalk.  There was no reason “based on the totality of the circumstances” to believe a crime was committed, was about to be committed, or was being committed”. 

If the officer had a hunch based on the store being burglarized before, good police work would have been continued observation, not using reasonable suspicion as an excuse to detain us.  Again, retroactively, upon the arrival of additional officers, trespassing was used as further justification because we sat on a ledge that was property of the store front, but this was not the stated reason for the detention.  We were there less than 2 minutes so she could get a cigarette and lighter from her bag.  When the officer pulled up, we were already walking away.

I enjoyed Alona’s company and I can’t understate how important her company was to me during that time.  Socially we were always laughing even when she was on BS.  I didn’t get mad at her about it. I just played with it, told her the things she was saying weren’t true, and then I’d question her about it to a place where she’d get off it and we’d get on something else.  Sex was really good as well.  Unless we were in a car or if it was a quick encounter because I had to work the next day we would usually have multi-hour sessions.  In fact one of my favorite encounters was in the back of her supposedly ex man’s Suburban.  I didn’t care if she was still messing with the dude or not so long as she didn’t bring me back any diseases.    She put an air mattress in the back that quickly lost it’s air but it was a good time. 

After I was kicked out of the trailer I still saw her semi-regularly.  I saw her through most of 2018. I’d rent hotel rooms when I would have a few days between interstate moving trips and would be in Denver.  The last time I saw her must have been October or November of 2018.  It was sometime before I went to Kansas City and participated in a group discussion about race because there was an incident I brought up from our last meeting, and I left for Florida within days after attending that group.  I was arrested in Florida On December 2nd after being there 2 days.  

Since I mentioned it the incident was insignificant but what was said at the group was not insignificant.  After we left the hotel we stopped at a Taco Bell.  We were joking and laughing as we placed the order.  After we received our order we were missing two tacos.  I went back through the drive through and the women refused to give us the two tacos we ordered and I was animated in my response to that.  I presumed at that time that they were upset that they were working and we came through clearly enjoying ourselves as much as we were enjoying ourselves and just wanted to put some shit in our night.  There was no other reason for it.  I also had a substantial amount of cash that I fanned to them emphasizing that I didn’t need to lie about the tacos.  

During this group I brought up that I tend to wonder why I’m treated the way I’m treated sometimes, and commented that if I was black, that each time I receive less than acceptable treatment, I would have to wonder if that treatment was racially motivated.  I may have also brought up the fact that the promotion of racism probably causes black people to consider race to be a motivator when it usually is not.  

After making this statement I was asked to provide some examples.  I mentioned fast food service and told the story that at the time was recent service in Chicago that seemed less than reasonable, and the incident with Alona.  After telling him about the incident with Alona he said “what color were they”?  They were black and hispanic.  It was also in Monticello, and prior to that incident Alona said they were racist in Monticello.  I don’t know if the treatment was based on race but at that time I didn’t even consider race as an element that motivated treatment.   

That incident in Kansas City was significant because what he said was a possibility that I hadn’t considered prior to him bringing it up.  

Alona continued to contact me until about February of 2021.  Every once in a while she would send me a text or call me.  In February of 2021 she probably found the prospect of a serious relationship and knew I wouldn’t do that with her, and probably doubted whether or not I’d ever be back through Denver.  She texted me that she thought it was best that we sever ties and I sent her a thumbs up and haven’t heard from her.

JR Butler Stretches

I was working through Trojan Labor for a company called JR Butler, assisting in the process of installing windows for a high rise on 16th and Chestnut in downtown Denver.  As far as day labor jobs go, this was one of the better companies I worked for. 

I remember after the first day, I was told we meet on the 16th floor at 7:00am for group exercise.  I thought he was joking.  The next morning I came in and went to the 16th floor where they were doing group stretches. Although many of these stretches are stretches I have done on my own in my personal time, I did not want to be part of this.  Plus, in order for me to do many of these jobs, especially through a day labor service, I needed to smoke weed in the morning.  This probably contributed to my decision not to participate.  Leo, an employee of JR Butler told me “don’t be shy, come on and get some.”  To which I responded “I did some before I came in, you know I don’t want to overdo it”.  This was actually a scene I reenated from Reno 911 when an undercover acting coach started off with stretches and Junior said the same thing.  The following days I would meet the crew on the floor we worked on in order not disrupt the group activity.

9/2017 to 10/2017 Iron Man 

I was working through a day labor service called Iron Man.  The pay wasn’t good, $10 per hour, but I wasn’t yet situated where I could go two weeks without a paycheck.  Additionally, with overtime, there weren’t a lot of better opportunities without a car.  With a car, during the summer I could make 150 a day, sometimes more.  On one occasion I made $266, which was probably my best CL day in Denver, but I also worked 18 hours. 

Iron Man was a cool place to work through.  It still doesn’t feel great being soft pimped, as in you do the work and a person makes money solely from the labor you perform. But the environment, and for the most part, the people who worked there were cool.  There was a fenced area on the side of it that separated the front from the back.  There were seats and usually in the morning people would go out there to chop it up and smoke a little weed to get the day going.  Sometimes when we returned after work there would be people either who got back earlier or didn’t get sent out, drinking and kicking it inside the fence. 

I worked for a company called Event Rents most of the time I worked through Iron Man.  They set up tents and rented event related items, which we would deliver, pick up, unload, and maintain.  I enjoyed going out on the routes, and the workers at ER were cool, created an environment conducive to a good time while working.  We joked and kept the work day entertaining. 

The only job I didn’t enjoy was a few times when I was stationed in chairs.  Chairs was probably the most monotonous job at ER.  Although there were an adequate amount of breaks, most days, you stood in one spot wiping down folding chairs with a rag and stacked them on a cart. 

The act was made worse by the manager of the chair departments playlist.  He had at least an hour worth of a genre of music I didn’t know existed, and with good reason: country rap.  It was the worst shit I have ever heard. 

Days later, off work, waiting on a bus, one of the songs came in my head, so even outside of work, I had to deal with that playlist.  I don’t want to be at the bus stop having to cope with “all the hot girls in them daisy dukes, come on, hot girls in them daisy dukes”.  The shit was bad to put it mildly. 

The guy in chairs, I think his name was Dave, also shared his right-wing headlines and prepackaged political points.  I wanted to respond but the amount of ground we would have to traverse in order for us to begin to have a discussion, probably couldn’t be crossed without me being sent home. 

I wrote

A guy comes out on break time bragging about how jobs have increased under Trump and how food share recipients have decreased.  This is followed up by a comment about fake news, but there is no place to start a conversation for the following reasons

1: The assertions are probably made by Trump or people from his administration, and any evidence to the contrary would be considered fake news, even the Bureau of Labor and Statistics.   

2: While the assertions could be checked by comparing the unemployment rate from January to the present, against the workforce participation rate, the economic activity occurring this year is largely the result of momentum from the previous administration’s policies.  Although in most cases the economy is less a product of public policy and more the product of consumer spending and investment.   

3: The unemployment rate has been falling for a long time, but the workforce participation rate has been falling with it, meaning by not counting people because of the length of time they have been unable to find work, it reduces the unemployment rate by reducing the number of people who are considered unemployed, even though they are not employed, nor are they physically or mentally  disabled, and not retired or attending school. 

4: Even if it is true that the number of food share recipients decreased, this does not mean it is the result of better opportunities causing people to not need it.  It could just as well be the result of changing what is required to qualify for food benefits, raising income qualifications, drug testing, etc.  In other words, even if the fact is a fact, it tells us nothing about what caused its existence.  Later while reading a source for the number of food share benefits who were working, the article mentioned that Florida increased the qualifications for food share recipients, and as we have probably all seen, certain states have moved to revoke aid for individuals who fail drug tests, which is suggestive of the explanation I provided for the decrease in food share recipients in this point.   

 There was also talk of going to Houston where we would get 70 hours a week if we went.  I signed up.  Unfortunately, even though Leon told me he had jobs lined up for months, we didn’t go to Houston.  This week I worked a Saturday and Etillio asked me if I could work Sunday as well.  I told him I would be there.

The following is how I recorded the event on my FB post which is more accurate than reproducing the dialogue from memory due to the time that has passed since the incident. 

He told me to come on Sunday.  The bus doesn’t run until later than I need it, so I walk 45 minutes to get there, and I am the second person to arrive.  He tells me we are going to Event

Rents the same place I have gone every day this week.  Later he explains they dropped their request from 10 people down to 3, and he was not sending me out. 

The first reason he gave is the company did not like to pay overtime, and I had 58 hours this week, but the week is Sunday to Saturday, meaning it was the beginning of a new week and overtime did not matter.  I asked him if overtime was an issue then why did he ask me to come back Sunday on Saturday?  This was clearly bullshit. 

In addition to the BS overtime excuse he sent a person out that A wasn’t there yesterday and therefore wasn’t told to come back, and B, it was his second time coming this week when I am there every day making the company money.  Shit on the regulars to cater to people who work 1 to 2 days a week seemed backwards to me and I wasn’t the only one he has done this to. 

With no good reason why he didn’t send me out, he commented on my animated state, but it is natural to become indignant when you have been treated unfairly, and if not unfairly then it would be easy to provide the basis for determining who will be sent out and who will not.  The purpose of initiating the conversation was to express my displeasure, that he’s wrong, and to make known that I disagree with the decision

On Monday I came in and sat outside after signing in, probably blowing some weed with my co-workers.  Nearly an hour goes by and the people going to Event Rents are all called and my name is not among them.  While the previous day there was tension and probably elevated audibility to my voice, I didn’t say anything that was disrespectful; only attempted to inquire how he makes the decision of who will go out and who will not go out.  Clearly, it wasn’t based on who arrived first, who he told to come back the next day, who made the company the most money, and who had history with the client.

I went into the office and asked if he was sending me out?  I still had to be paid from Saturday, so he said he was giving me my last check.  I snapped a little bit, told him I wasn’t leaving without an explanation, how does he determine who goes out and who does not.  He told me to leave, but I refused. 

A woman in the office asked me what happened.  I told the story referring to Etillio as a bitch and other disrespectful and derogatory terms.  He said “you can’t talk to me like that”, I said I just did, proved you wrong, that was easy.  Eventually I left.  I took the bus to another labor hall and they sent me out the same day so it wasn’t much of a setback.

I think the reason was to see how I would respond, he may test the willingness of people to submit to his authority.  I would have been satisfied with him saying he puts names in a hat, as at least there would be some explanation for how the decision is reached.  Everyone, especially a person who does something like send people out to work every day, has to have a process for who they are going to send and who they are not going to send.  All I asked was how that process worked so I could know why I wasn’t sent out after I made the company money all week, I was the second person there, and I was told to come in the day before.

  8/2017 Work In Florida

A friend told me about the third week of August he was going to Florida to rehab a house his dad bought with money from an injury settlement, and said his dad would pay me to help him.  I placed an ad on craigslist in the rideshare section offering a ride to Florida and points along the way.  An opportunity to cover my travel expenses and have some company for the ride.  

A woman contacted me who needed a Rottweiler puppy picked up in Colorado and delivered to Naples.  I didn’t intend to leave until the third week but she offered me $250 if I would leave on the 10th.  I figured I could find work in Florida until Steve arrived as well as find work in Denver.  Otherwise, I was going to stay in Denver for a few weeks and accumulate as much money as I could before I left to meet him.  I was living in my car anyway, so I decided to leave early and take the puppy.

I had a tire blow out in Arkansas.  I put the spare on, but this spare I already drove on for probably about 100 miles when I left Colorado Springs. I wasn’t very confident about driving on it for any great distance.  It was late, there were no tire shops open, and after we rested at a rest stop, I drove to Memphis to find a replacement. 

The first shop I arrived at was around 730am.  It looked expensive and I was making this trip on a tight budget.  I had maybe $450, needed about $225 for gas, and the puppy caused me to incur a few unexpected expenses. 

` I googled another used tire location and when I arrived it advertised all used tires for $20.  Perfect.  I pulled into the parking lot on the side of it which was the parking lot of another store.  The owner came out and asked if I was waiting for something?  I told him I was waiting for the tire shop to open so I could buy a tire.  It was Saturday, and he told me he didn’t think it opened on Saturdays. 

I left for another location, and to my satisfaction, I found this small garage, with a driveway that was a mixture of grass, mud, and broken pieces of concrete.  A car was being serviced while a man was sitting outside on a chair drinking his Saturday morning beer.  After the other car was finished I was told he could give me a tire for $25 plus $2 to take the old one.  Later I would discover the tire “Nephew” gave me was slightly smaller than the tire I specified. I think I needed 60 and he gave me 55 but it was functional nonetheless. 

Near Atlanta, on I75 is when serious problems began.  On the long sloping interstate, my transmission stopped shifting properly.  To compensate, I had to rev the engine and take my foot off the gas for it to shift, but soon, the engine itself became the problem as the engine wouldn’t allow the car to accelerate over 2500 RPMs.  The engine would rev higher than 2500, but there was no more power after that point.  I was about 650 miles away.  My car typically had a range of about 400 to 500 miles per tank, but was now consuming 2 to 3 times as much gas.  

There was a very real possibility I wasn’t going to make it, and this had other consequences.  If I didn’t make it, I wasn’t going to receive $250 for bringing the puppy, meaning not only was I broke, but I was going to be broke.  My broke isn’t the same as other people’s broke, because I don’t have anyone with resources I can turn to.

I intended to drive through the night and deliver the puppy at about 2 to 3am but I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I stopped at a rest area.

The next morning I awoke, the distance from Naples I don’t remember, but it must have been at least 100, but not more than 200 miles.  I looked for my phone and I couldn’t find it.  I slept with both windows open and thought someone reached in the car and stole it while I was sleeping.  I was intensely frustrated and slammed my hand down on the arm rest.  The address to the purchaser was on a text message, the number to the purchaser was on the phone, the number to the broker of the delivery was on the phone. 

Without the phone I was where I was, with a puppy that wasn’t mine, and about $25 on me.  Later I would discover I had about another $20 on a debit card from a labor hall, but even had I known that, I was in a terrible situation, in August Florida heat, which is as intense as any heat I have ever felt.

I looked at the address the night before and thought I remembered the address.  I regained my composure and returned to the interstate.  I was looking for a Mc Donald’s, I still had my laptop,  and was going to use wifi to get the directions to drop off the puppy that would relieve probably 90% of my stress.  I see a Mc Donald’s sign and I take the exit. 

A funny thing happens as I exit the interstate.  I hear directions from the google maps navigation on my phone.   When I hear the voice I respond to it but I’m so caught up in calculating my next moves, I fail to realize: if I am hearing that, it means my phone is in the car!

By the time I reached Mc Donald’s I was elated to discover my phone was in the car, but I was also in disbelief due to the extent to which I searched the vehicle.  I soon found it wedged between the center console and the passenger seat, not quite breaking the plane of the bottom of the seat, but also not visible from the top. 

I called the broker first but there was no answer.  I figured she may still be sleeping because I did not contact her before I went to sleep, and she was waiting up for the confirmation of the delivery as I was expected to complete the delivery that night.  Next, I estimated the time it would take me to get to Naples and I contacted the customer.  She would be ready around the anticipated time of arrival. 

I may have had 10 dollars and about 50 miles until empty when I reached Naples.  Fortunately, as expected due to revelations from Teresa that the customer asked how much she should tip, and I received a 60-dollar tip. 

I stopped at Mc Donald’s, ate, and began to consider my options.  I reduced the options to Miami and Tampa, being that both cities had labor halls, but needing to stop at Wal-Mart took me to Fort Myers, which is a place I visited as a teen.

My exhaust was scraping the ground, an issue that began after I went to court in Adams County, WI earlier in the year

Before the tire blew out I had to stop and fix the exhaust because it was scraping when I would go over bumps.  The front was still attached but towards the middle and the rear, it was sagging.  I used the strap from my luggage bag to go around the pipe then connected the strap on both ends to different pieces of the underside of the car.  In the back I used a pair of shoe laces to tie the portion near the muffler higher.  By the time I made the delivery the exhaust once again was scraping. 

I stopped at WalMart in Fort Myers.  I was getting worried because by now it was about 11am and I still didn’t hear back from the broker.  They used UShip, so when I made the delivery the customer gave me the verification code.  The broker uses the verification code to be paid for the delivery and then she pays me.  I sent the verification code via text somewhere around 9am. I called, texted, but received no response and was beginning to think she played me.  If she didn’t pay me there was almost nothing I could do.  I didn’t know where she lived, where she worked, or even what her full name was.

I did get some information from the client and sent a half threatening text about theft of services, and contacting UShip.  Something she was understanding of later in consideration of the circumstances.

I sat in the Walmart parking lot for a little while before I decided I was going to Tampa, chiefly because it was further north than Miami, and should I need to leave Florida, I am closer to doing so from Tampa. 

Tampa had a few day labor agencies as well, which had I chosen to stay, would have been important to trying to establish myself in the early goings.  I chose not to use the Walmart in Fort Myers as using the Walmart in Tampa would provide me with a destination as well as something to do while I figured things out.  Either before I left Fort Myers or some time afterwards, I received a call from Teresa who quickly processed my payment which was one less thing to worry about.  But transferring the money from my paypal account to a debit card can take a few business days. 

I had a cooler so purchased a bag of ice, water, soda, and metal sign holders.  Florida in August is one of the hottest places on the planet.  The humidity, intensity of the sun, and lack of a breeze created a thick invisible blanket of heat that sticks to you.  If you do not have an air-conditioned house and an air-conditioned car, you have no business being in Florida in the summer.. 

I jacked the car up in the parking lot to gain some clearance.  Once under the car I bent one of the sign holders around the exhaust pipe and a point on the car.  I used a long screwdriver and wrapped the sign holder around it, then gripped the screw driver using it for leverage to twist the sign holder to better secure the exhaust.  I reached a point where I felt like it was going to break but thought I could get another few twists out of it.  It broke.

By now the broker who lived near Tampa called and told me I could sleep on her couch.  I decided I would repair the exhaust the next day. Tired from stress and heat, I headed to her home somewhere around 830pm.  When I arrived I took a shower, laid down on the couch, and fell  asleep.        

The idea was to wake up, fix the exhaust and go to  the day labor place.  Instead when I woke up from my alarm, I decided I was going to take a day and went back to sleep until 630 to 7am where I met the broker Teresa’s wife or girlfriend, although I cannot remember her name.  I got in my car and left promptly.  Later Teresa called and asked why I didn’t wait for breakfast, but I appreciated the fact that she offered me a place to stay for the night and didn’t want to impose on her or her wife.   

The next few days passed slowly.  I didn’t want to make any sudden moves but I did intend to move.  I called Steve in Milwaukee to ask him when he planned on coming down here to start the work.  To my dismay he informed me he fell down a hill and injured himself which meant he was going to be delayed for a few weeks. 

This was when I decided to return to Denver, a decision that was aided by the climate.  Even during the night it was hot, the temperature would drop 5 to 10 degrees max.  I opened my car doors, rolled down my windows, and laid completely still trying to fall asleep.  It seemed like no sooner would I fall asleep that I’d wake up covered in sweat.  Of course, for the most part I laid there with my eyes closed sweating, unable to fall asleep. 

I had very little cash, but I did have a few items I purchased from Walmart that I was able to return, maybe $15 worth of items.  I needed to transfer the $250 from my Paypal account to my debit card but I was worried I would miss an opportunity to leave while my money was in the process of transferring.  Obviously, I also needed to junk my car, but needed to work out transportation before I did because I did not want to be without shelter while awaiting departure.   

I went to a Mc Donald’s to eat and use the wifi.  Delta was the only airline that took Paypal, but if I flew, I didn’t have enough for the airline ticket and luggage.  It would be whatever I could fit in my backpack. 

Greyhound did not accept Paypal, and the craigslist ride shares were too expensive, some asking $200 to get to Denver.  On a few occasions I entertained the idea of driving my car back to Denver, feeling the car may make it, but I was dissuaded by the fact that gas consumption had

increased to the point where it may have taken 4 to $500 in gas to make the trip, even if by some miracle the engine or the transmission didn’t go completely before reaching Denver.

The next day I concentrated on finding a good price to junk my car.  Magic’s Used Auto Parts in Clearwater offered me the best price.  He told me $200 which was more or equal to the other junkyards I called, but I negotiated for a better price based on the fact that the car wouldn’t have to be towed and it still drove.  He told me $250 if I drove it in and $300 if the car runs and drives.  The offer was in line with my expectations.

I went to the location but the owner who quoted me was not there and he is the one who finalizes company purchases.  It was near the end of regular business hours so I drove to a nearby Walmart to wait for the morning. 

The next morning, I went to Magic’s.  The owner was not there.  I explained to the counter workers my situation and they did not have a problem with me waiting in the office until he arrived. 

I called rideshares from Craigslist to determine availability and pricing.  I found a ride from Clearwater to the downtown Tampa Greyhound Station for $30, which was more than I wanted to pay but not reasonable.

I was there for at least a few hours.  At one point, I looked out the door and there was a peacock walking around the front entrance, but I was the only one who was interested in it.       Apparently, peacocks roam freely in Clearwater, because everyone else in the store was looking at me like “dude act like he never seen a peacock at a junkyard”, while I’m looking like there’s no peacocks outside of the zoo, there’s a peacock out there! 

Finally, the owner arrives.  He tells me to pull my car up so he can look at it.  I pull the car up and pop the hood.  He looks at it and tells me the engine is no good, something I suspected but didn’t want to completely believe.  He tells me $200, and I reminded him about what he told me on the phone.  He said he knew what he said but the car isn’t worth it if the engine is no good.  I thought I would look elsewhere for a better price. 

I drove out of the junkyard, about 100 yards to reach the exit from the office.  Shortly after I pulled out he pulled out.  I reconsidered remembering the calls I made already where no one else offered more than $200 and many others less than $200.  I approached the window, briefly explained my situation, telling him I needed $225 for the greyhound.  He agreed to $225 and told me he would tell Mike, one of the workers to take care of it.  I already reduced the number of items I would take with me to a backpack and an overstuffed Jack Georges bag, missing the shoulder strap which was used as a temporary fastener for my exhaust. 

I was still somewhat worried because I didn’t switch the title over when I purchased the car in California.  Fortunately, we could complete the transaction because I had supporting documents for evidence of ownership, insurance cards, tickets, maintenance receipts, etc.

My driver to the Greyhound was a little off.  I was quiet most of the ride, as he didn’t seem like someone I could converse with.  I listened to him concerning the history of a bridge, a man who funded it, and although I was somewhat interested, it was low priority information to me, therefore, I forgot most of the story. 

I do remember one thing he said, probably because it demonstrated the limited perspective of the individual who seemed to have the desire to be civically engaged.  He talked about an extra lane being added on the free-way, how it would take I think 5 years to complete.  He commented that he wanted it to be in a shorter amount of time, and that the leadership he was looking for from the government was someone who could complete the project in a shorter time.  The quote may have been “I want someone who can complete the project in (blank) years, that’s what I call leadership”. 

I cannot characterize this person as normal or being representative of anyone else’s opinion other than his own, but I do think the sentiment, in terms of awareness of other people’s problems, is shared by many people in the comfort class.  The most important issue to him is an extra lane on the freeway, and leadership would come from presumably a mayor who would likely have to cut other spending to secure funds to complete the project ahead of schedule. 

I don’t think it would be that difficult, if procuring building materials is not an issue, as in custom parts to create the extra lane on the bridge; then the time table is almost solely a matter of equipment availability and manpower.  If the city were to accept one bid from one company who planned to use 100 men, hiring 5 companies working together and using 100 men would complete the project nearly 5x faster.  But, beyond the feasibility of such a request, the idea that the only thing wrong in the city or county, was traffic, was extremely off putting to me. 

I only spent a few days in the Tampa area, mostly across the bridge which isn’t actually Tampa, but even in that short amount of time I noticed the economic inequality, the well off and the not so well off, homelessness, and no shortage of evidence of struggle.  Priority should be creating opportunities for disadvantaged people, which will trickle up to the well to do as these people have more money to purchase products, services, and pay outstanding bills. 

I arrived at the Greyhound Station, and there were people standing outside, some asking for money or cigarettes which is typical of nearly any Greyhound Station, while others were waiting  for a ride.  In fact one such person negotiated a ride with my driver, a $10 dollar fare. 

I entered the station and approached the counter to inquire about the cost to different destinations because I did not have enough cash on me for a ticket to Denver.  The ticket was 225, but with tax I think it was about 240.  Less if you purchased online.  I needed more time to consider my options.  I transferred the money from my Paypal to my debit card either that day or the night before, but the funds hadn’t been transferred.  Any partial distance ticket would cost me about $100 more than if I were to wait to purchase the ticket to Denver.  With that in mind I decided I would wait until my money transferred and purchase a ticket directly to Denver.

At around 10 o’clock, it may have been 11, it may have been 9, definitely wasn’t 7 or 8, everyone in the terminal who did not have a ticket had to vacate until the morning.  Since I hadn’t purchased a ticket I was one of the two who would have to spend the night outside.  The other was a young man who’s name I forgot but who I remember as Arkansas, because he was from Arkansas. 

We chopped it up a little bit and talked about the security guard.  As he was making us leave, and then on later occasions when my money hit my card around 12am and I purchased my ticket online, “he would say it’s not me it’s Greyhound.”  We were saying it is you, you’re the only one here, and you’re not letting us in. 

I don’t know the exact time, but shortly after midnight Ark had the idea to go get something to drink.  Again, this is Tampa in August, it doesn’t cool off at night.  We google mapped a gas station, and even though it was 3 to 5 miles away, we decided the hike would pass time.  A few blocks into it, carrying my backpack and a 50lb bag of clothes, the idea didn’t seem as good as it did before we left.  

We went down a street that was very active, seemed like a hipster area with bars and restaurants, complete with a homeless population panhandling. 

We found a 7/11 and stopped there to purchase beverages.  We walked two blocks up and found a pair of benches.  We sat down not only to rest, but because it seemed like a better place to sit than in front of the Greyhound station. 

A few people came by and sat next to us striking up conversation, which helped to pass the time.  One individual had weed and said he needed to get a blunt to roll it.  Ark gave him I think 57 cents to go to the 7/11 to get a blunt.  We both waited in anticipation of his return, but it didn’t take long to realize that he got him for his 57 cents and was not returning to smoke with us.  It was funny, he got us for $.57, #thirsty.   

There was a guy on a bicycle pulling a small carriage offering rides yelling out “petty cab”.  It seemed much too hot to be hauling people around on a bicycle but he was conditioned for the work.  I wanted to see two 300 plus lb people squeeze in the back and see how that ride turned out.

Across the street there was a pizza place selling pizza by the slice.  A man was treating a homeless man to a buffet of pizza.  It smelled and looked good but I didn’t want to spend too much money being I was about to return to Denver, homeless, with nothing but a backpack and a bag of clothes.  Eventually, the smell and sight of it was too much for me to resist and I decided

to walk across the street and purchase a slice for both of us.  I’d worry about the money later. 

While I waited for the pizza, as they reheated it in the oven, a man walked by and asked either for change or a dollar.  I already handed out some change, cigarettes and perhaps a dollar to others and felt like I reached my limit, so I told him I’m not going to be able to do it. 

There were two guys with their dates eating pizza at the outdoor tables.  The man asked them if they could help him out with anything.  They began to ridicule him, asking him if he had anything he could help them out with and other derogatory commentary.  I wanted to say something to them but there was no opening.  I called the man back over and handed him a dollar or two.  At which time one of the men said “see that’s that liberal enabling bullshit,” and this was the opening I was waiting for. 

I told him “don’t worry about what the fuck I do with my money, and it isn’t liberal enabling bullshit, it’s balance, the same way that if you were in his situation you would hope somebody was able to and would help you.” 

He said “he needs to get a job, pull himself up by the bootstraps, I’m from the hood,” (not sounding very much like he was from the hood), “why not buy him something to eat”? 

I told them you don’t know what this man has been through in life that caused him to end up in this situation.  Whatever he does with the money doesn’t make a difference.  Even if he buys drugs or alcohol it lightens his burden and liberates him from some need or desire.

(I was much less smooth than I portray myself to be in the recreation due to being indignant) 

He said something else and I said something punctuated by calling him a bitch and went back across the street to eat the pizza. 

As far as the bootstraps comment was concerned, this man didn’t even have shoes on.  I mean come on man, he literally has no bootstraps. lol.  He must have been about 50 to 60 years old.  In his youth he may remember segregation, his parents certainly would have, unable to get jobs and education based on race, and consequently, less opportunities for income, leading to a less stable home environment due to economic stress, affecting his development, and having less to support him with.  The facts remain that A: most people are without enough money to create their own opportunities.  B: there are not enough opportunities for everyone who needs a job to have a job.  C: the opportunities that do exist are often too meager in terms of wages for an individual to meet their needs,) which is evident by the large percentage of people who work, but also receive food share benefits. 

We ate the pizza and a guy sat down by us whose name I do not recall.  Lil Ark gave the man the rest of his pizza, almost the whole piece.  He told a few stories and then asked if I could get him a steel reserve because the woman at the 7/11 didn’t allow him in the store.  I told him I would and he handed me a handful of change.  He said “there’s enough there”, but I doubted there was without counting it.  I put the change in my backpack, but when I arrived at the 7/11, they only had the small single cans.  I bought him a 4 loco, and bought myself one as well.  Seemed appropriate to have a drink with him while we were passing time, and he seemed excited about the Four. 

Across the street a drunk man jumped in front of a car and was talking with this group by the pizza place about suicide.  They sat him down, consoled him, then called the police.  Someone he knew was nearby however, and agreed to take him home.  Otherwise the person sitting with us said they were going to take him to some mental health facility, the name of which I do not recall.  I thought it was fucked up, because it was a group of I think 3 women, and they sat him down and were talking sweet to him.  The whole time knowing they called the police on him.  When the police arrived he was sleeping in the chair.

I don’t remember the exact time but I think we left around 4 to 430am.  I believe the Greyhound opened at 5:30am, and my bus left at 6 or near to it.  I went to the bathroom to change and take a wet wipe shower.  I gave Ark a plain black shirt because he had been sweating all day and night in the one he was wearing.  He was waiting for his mother to get ahold of his uncle to buy him a ticket back to Little Rock. 

He told me the day prior he biked 5 to 10 miles ( I don’t remember the distance), then walked because the bike broke.  Finally, he was picked up and given a ride to the Greyhound station.  Shortly after the station opened my bus arrived, although it was delayed for some reason or another.

As tired as I was, it was difficult to sleep.  The discomfort of the bus is offset only by the anxiety of arriving in a city with about $100 and no place to go.  Although I did arrange a few possibilities for sleeping accommodations through craigslist, I had at least one night outside because my bus wouldn’t be arriving until after midnight.

I arrived on Friday night or technically Saturday morning a little after midnight.  There was a 50/50 chance that the day labor agency Iron Man would be open.  As far as I knew there were no buses running, and at the time, I didn’t know what buses to take to get where I was going, despite having google maps.  Iron Man was 6.2 miles away.  I tried to use my debit card to order an Uber, but the app didn’t accept my debit card.  I walked to Iron Man, but I was fortunate to find a cart about half way there.  I did not feel great about pushing my bag in a shopping cart down residential streets at 1 to 2am, but I also didn’t want to continue to carry a 50lb bag of clothes, mind you, I did not have a shoulder strap, only a handle.

I think I reached Iron Man by about 2am.  There was a bench for a bus stop across the street.  I put on an extra pair of pants, used my backpack as a pillow, and went to sleep. 

I woke up the next morning and walked across the street to Iron Man.  I waited until after 7 o’clock before I decided to leave presuming they didn’t have work that day. 

I went to the Aurora Public Library.  Later I was able to book a couch to sleep on.  After I went to the library I went to Walmart to purchase a towel and body wash to take a shower at my sleeping accommodation.  I didn’t want to bring my bag of clothes into Walmart, not that I was all that inconspicuous in regard to my situation, a tall white guy carrying around a large bag and a backpack tends to stand out in the primarily hispanic community.  I set my bag of clothes behind a large truck parked in a lot that was closed, and not visible from any angle people would come from. 

I walked away but was suspicious of a man across the street who was looking down at the ground and seemingly trying to wait on something while not looking like he was waiting on something.  I considered retrieving my bag but thought I was just being paranoid.  When I returned from Walmart no more than 15 minutes later my bag was gone. 

Now I was down to my laptop, a few items in my backpack, and the clothes on my back.  I tried to walk in the directions the perpetrator could have gone but there was no sign of my bag or anyone with it.  I was upset with myself for being so stupid with the bag.  Almost as much as the loss of clothes, I was upset that I carried this bag around for nearly two days when I could have just as well left it and saved myself the encumbrance. 

I don’t remember how many days I slept outside but I believe it was until at least Tuesday, although I felt much better after working on Monday being able to purchase jeans, a hoodie, some t-shirts, and some socks.  I did not have room in my backpack for underwear, so I used Goldbond body powder as a substitute, which eliminated friction between my skin and the jeans.   

Sometime during the first week I found a woman who was renting out floor space for $20 a night.  I stayed there two nights, the second night, after not being able to take a shower because I arrived too late and was leaving too early I decided it was going to be my last night there.  During the night she woke me up and told me to roll over because I was snoring.  In the morning I was stuffing a plastic bag into my backpack and she started about that.  I said something that expressed my disapproval and left the house. 

I found another woman who rented me a bed for $15 a night named Brandy.  Brandy was extremely nice and accommodating.  She had a pullout bed underneath her bed that I slept on.  

I placed an ad on craigslist for a furnished room I could rent on a week to week basis.  There are plenty of spam sites that respond as if they have a room, but actually only link you to a site where people rent rooms. 

I received a text for an RV for $140 a week and I replied that I would come and take a look after work.  The only issue I had is the lot is across hwy 285, so I had to cross a highway to get to it.  Otherwise there was access by walking on the shoulder by the onramp, or cross at a set of lights a ways down then either walk the shoulder, or as I later discovered, there was a bike trail that ran along the back, and a hill providing access to a trail to the trailer lot.  Any alternative route besides crossing resulted in probably a quarter mile or more of extra walking.  Unfortunately, between certain times it couldn’t be crossed due to the flow of traffic.

The RV exceeded my expectations.  It was basically a modern studio apartment.  Stove, fridge, running water, tv, satellite, shower, toilet, and a bed.  It also had a remote-controlled vent in the bedroom, which had some smooth utility sexually entertaining female guests.  Grab the remote, open the vent and turn the fan on.  Hold on, you want the cool air coming in, or the hot air going out, we got settings, in flow or out flow, and let me know the percentage.  Lol I don’t know what the percentage was because no matter how I changed it, the fan blew at the same rate.  While the amenities are all things you would find in normal living accommodations, when someone tells you they have an RV for rent, that could be any pile of boards that someone managed to stack on a trailer with a door.

I wanted to rent it.  I explained to him my situation, but he wanted a reference.  Earlier that day I worked with Darren, and worked with him on several other occasions previously, including before I left for Florida.  Darren was a smooth dude, said he came from Chicago, was easy to get along with, and did his business stylistically real.  The stylistic distinction of real is to be who you are during work, and deal with customers how you would deal with friends, as opposed to professionalism, where you play a fake subordinate role. 

Darren had done some traveling, told me about how people in Florida would tell on each other to the boss.  I gave him one of my cards with my website info, and we had a brief discussion about some related material.  He wanted to start a shipping container living space business where he would make a house out of shipping containers and sell it.  It seems like it is a growing market, but like most people, I don’t think Darren quite has the money or the credit to start it.  I am confident he has the salesmanship to be successful if he had the money.

While I appreciated the reference, I appreciated something he said in the reference even more later.  Very much so later, as I only recognized the significance recalling it now.  He said “what you see is what you get”.  For a person who is as he is, it is refreshing to have that recognized, especially since I consider myself through multiple lenses. 

Alberto was satisfied with the reference and let me move in that night.  Which was important because I think I was going to be on the street that night.  Brandy had a young son, and although she extended the invitation to stay when her son was there, it was not something I was interested in doing.  She had him every other week, but I don’t think I was on the streets after the initial period for more than a week. 

7-2017 to 8-2017 Denver

I got to Jon’s and talked briefly with his mom before going to the liquor store and getting a bottle of Crown Royal as Jon wanted a drink and I didn’t mind having one with him.  I took my hood and attempted to hammer it straight.  This did not achieve the desired result.  Instead of flattening the creases, it was separating the layers of the hood. 

I received a call from a woman in Pueblo who needed a ride to the Colorado Springs airport.  I rushed to put the hood back on the car and get to Pueblo. 

She was an educated woman, seemed to understand many points, principles, positions, and even the implications of a center for economic planning.  On the way to picking her up the hood began to separate as I drove on I25. 

After I picked her up, it was so bad I could barely see over the hood as the top was separating from the bottom.  I was looking for an opportunity to pull off and fix it but thought it was funny that she continued so long in conversation with me while it seems like the hood could separate at any moment.  It was also a serious obstruction to most of the windshield.  Finally, she said something like “are you worried about that”?  I said, “I’m not worried about it, but the people behind me should be”.  I pulled off and used a pliers to bend the hood at the corners to keep the layers together, and there were no more issues after that stop. 

Bear in mind I posted the ad before I left Colorado Springs and when the woman called me I told her my car was just in an accident but I did just drive 1000 miles on it so I could get her to the airport.  She didn’t know I was coming from Colorado Springs so she offered me $50 in place of what I probably quoted her as a 35 or $40 fare.  When I dropped her off she gave me the 50 plus either a 15 to 20 or $25 tip. 

I worked a few craigslist gigs, but then Jon expressed to me that he needed my help.  He bought a canned ham trailer he had been restoring throughout the last month.  Jon told me he was being kicked out of his house due to a change in ownership, and his plan was to move his trailer to this remote location on someone’s property who Tia knew.  He wanted me to help sell his items he didn’t want to move, load up his car and bring the contents to his storage, as well as work and help him prepare for work. 

He made promises about the money we would make through his carpet cleaning business, and I was convinced by the credibility of the prospect to neglect work and help him.  In addition to helping him sell his items, which he paid me a commission on most of them, I also posted an ad and scheduled a cash job to clean a carpet.  Scheduling this job would lead to my departure from Colorado Springs.   

Jon was on some weird shit, in a spiral that he seemed to want me to ride down with him.  He negotiated a place for me to stay at the property where he was going to be staying in his camper.  What did it was my money was running very low, I wasn’t booking CL jobs, I was trying to help Jon get his affairs in order, but he didn’t want to put in much effort.  Each night of the last few nights he talked about these jobs we needed to get done, and each night, he’d want to party and not get the jobs done.  I don’t know if there were  jobs.  

One night we went to some obscure place in his van where he said he had a contract but his key for the business didn’t work or he forgot the key so we went to a bar.  

His power was shut off for the last few days I was there.

In Milwaukee, when people around where we lived on 21st and Grant would have their power cut off it was done at the box.  This woman Melena needed Holly’s help to turn her power back on and Holly taught me how to do it.  Holly and I would turn the power back on for our neighbors when their bills would become too high.

The process was simple.  You pried the side of the box with a screw driver until it bent enough to remove the round glass meter piece in the middle, which is like a large plug with prongs.  The procedure only required enough space to remove the prongs from the plug to pull off the plastic sleeves.  The power company placed two plastic sleeves over the prongs and these sleeves are the only thing preventing power from coming to your house from the grid.  On the side of the box you pried you can use a needle nose pliers, or I usually used a scissors, and you remove the plastic sleeves, and plug the center piece back in.  You can bend the box back, usually getting it to a place where it appears as if it has not been tampered with.

A month later, the power company may send someone back out to turn the power off at the box, and you simply repeat the process.  You could do this for months before they finally cut you off at the pole.  I couldn’t help you if they cut the power off at the pole. 

In Colorado Springs the boxes are different, and according to Jon they shut the power off remotely.  So the last few days there was no power while I worked to get the rest of things to his storage.  

My last day we were supposed to do the job I scheduled at 11am.  I posted an ad on CL for carpet cleaning after Jon explained the rates to me, fielded some calls and closed this sale.  I think Jon estimated based off of what I described that it would be in the neighborhood of about 3 hours of work and we stood to make about $100 each.  He wasn’t ready when it was time to do the job at 11am so I called the customer and rescheduled for 1pm.  Jon didn’t answer his phone and was MIA until about 3 to 4pm.  I don’t know where he went, but he probably went to someone’s house and was sleeping, or he went somewhere in his van, pulled off, and went to sleep.  Either way, for me, it was further confirmation he was on bullshit. 

I waited for him to come back and told him I was out and left.

Yusef Minneapolis

I called Yusef and asked if I could stop by on my way back to Denver.  He seemed excited to have company from back home.  After leaving Detroit I rented a hotel in Fort Wayne Indiana, before contacting Yusef and heading to Minneapolis. 

I didn’t completely know what to expect because this was the first time I was seeing Yusef as a Muslim, although we spoke on the phone. 

I gave Yusef $60 to stay for the week which he said was clutch, and saved him a day of day laboring to have money after paying his rent.  We went to a few bars, the last one was called Hot Rods in St. Paul.  If you have $5 to $10 in St. Paul, you can go to the bar and get drunk.  Second bar we went to I ordered a rum and coke with a lime.  It was probably 3/4ths rum and 1/4th coke.  Stiff drink.  Since there was almost no one there we went to a bar down the street called Hot Rods, which had a neon hot rod car sign outside of it.  It looked like it was going to be a country bar but when we entered it had a fairly urban atmosphere.  It was late and we didn’t stay long.  The female to male ratio wasn’t great, usually isn’t, I ordered a rum and coke but I don’t think they had limes.  I took a sip of the drink and it was rough.  There may have been a touch of coke that did nothing but accentuate the bitter flavor of well rum.

It was very hot in Yusef’s apartment.  It was located on the second floor with no air conditioning.  He only had one fan which he insisted I use.   

The second or third day I was there there was a moving gig I booked on craigslist, unloading a trailer, totaling about 2000cf.  It was myself and a young Sudanese man.  In consideration of the Somali community in the area where Yusef frequented, and his African accent, I asked him if he was Somali.  He wasn’t offended, but he did make fun of my ignorance, basically itemizing the distinctions between Somali features and Sudanese features.  Even the truck driver, Donald may have been his name, a short Asian Ronnie Coleman built truck driver named distinguishing features between Somalis and Sudanese. 

 It may have been the most difficult unload I’ve ever done, due to the weather and it being only the two of us. 

Borderline most difficult, but that honor was reserved for Mr. Cool’s move.  It was Mike,

Wesley, myself, and a new guy named Cody.  This was a move working for Eagle Moving and Storage based in San Francisco, but the move was from somewhere in the East Bay to Dublin.  We called him Mr. Cool because of his sunglasses and his demeanor, which wasn’t really cool but seemed like he was making an effort to come off as such.

We had to take the small truck because there were low trees in the neighborhood, and Joey felt we may have been able to back into the driveway with the small truck.  There was a long driveway with a very steep slope, probably 25 to 35 yards from the door to the street.  The slope was so steep we were unable to pull the truck in.  Nearly everything that needed to be moved was on the second floor, so we had stairs.  The greatest difficulty was the weight, shape, and disassembly required for the items that needed to be moved.

He had what we began calling at Eagle Moving Storage Mr. Cool couches.  These were three seat mechanical couches with very heavy motors on each side.  The guy had 2 or 3 of these couches.  There were other pieces that were heavy as well.  Mr. Cool’s wife’s mother was packing extra-large wardrobe boxes.  This woman possessed the ability to fit items in every square inch of the box.  I may have carried one down the stairs, perhaps we moved two, but after that, I retrieved some boxes from the truck and we unpacked the boxes to make the weight manageable. 

At the property they were moving to Cody didn’t pick up this powder blue painted dresser and left a blue streak on the floor.  Normally not a huge deal, and in the disclaimer it reads we are not responsible for damage to walls or floors.  On another move, when we scratched a hard wood floor, I told that to Joey, he wasn’t too happy with that answer, he said something like “so does that mean you don’t give a fuck and scratch their floors”?  It was funny, obviously we didn’t try to but when you’re moving 60+ hours a week for weeks on end things happen.  The problem was that Mike and Cody already scratched the shit out of the wall and floor at the last property, and Mr. Cool, was not cool with it.  Thankfully, Cody removed the streak with a cleaning solution and a rag, while I assisted using the bottom of my shoe. 

I don’t remember the overall duration, but it may have been a 14 to 16 hour job, and was exhausting, due to the length, the stairs, the objects, the slope of the driveway, and having to make multiple trips because of the small truck.  

Then again there was another move we did up 8 flights of stairs on the fourth floor.  We moved them in from Portland to San Francisco, but after moving them in, they moved from the 4th floor apartment to Marin, apparently because the wife of the customer had knee problems.  Who would have known that a fourth-floor apartment in a building with no elevator, up 8 flights of stairs would be hard on her knee? 

The house they moved to in Marin was probably as difficult as Mr. Cools driveway.  There was a narrow path about 25 yards long, followed by a fenced in area very tight to the house in some areas, and then another 10-yard walk to the entrance.  A compounding issue was we could not park at the end of the walk way, instead we had to park near the bottom of a hill about 30 yards from the walk way. 

On the crew I had Junior who was strong young Samoan who I discovered had no papers when he wouldn’t return to the truck when I was being written a ticket for blocking the street while we were in a gas station.  I enjoyed working with Junior, we’d clown, go back and forth with sarcasm, and sometimes compete in trivial games.  Eugene recently immigrated from

Ukraine after the oligarchic revolution reduced his monthly income to less than a third of what it was prior to the US supported regime change.  And finally, there was Ivan, who was a funny Mexican dude, always said “not a problem”, worked hard, blew weed,