Description

My daughter, Ava Kali Simerl, died at age 19 on December 6th at 6:17pm.  In addition to frequent phone conversations while I was away, we often exchanged text messages of substance.  The inspiration for this book was to share Ava’s uniqueness and beauty through our text log, which dates back to May of 2022, and ends December of 2024.  We had different phones and or different service providers before May of 2022 that preclude the recovery of earlier messages.  The log chronicles what she was doing, thinking, feeling, what was going on in her life, and reveals her intelligence, logic, humor, compassion, thoughtfulness, and general circumstances.  

The book provides a window into our relationship and also explores the causes of her suicide.       

There is more than one way to read this book.  The first 5 chapters explain what happened to my daughter and my experience over the three day event.  The middle portion is our text log over roughly 2.5 years.  The final chapters delve deeper into propositions from the first chapters after the reader has had the opportunity to become familiar with Ava through her texts.  The subject is tragic, but this isn’t a book intent on spreading grief.  I begin with moments of sorrow that are often contrasted with perspective on the moment that dampens the sadness.  The question is, what experience would you like to have?  

The present order is intended to present the tragedy with perspective, discuss Ava’s general circumstances, and to reach a general idea as to why a teenage girl with essentially no problems would kill herself.  While I do address past issues that Ava had, and largely learned herself through, I think some readers may be skeptical of my portrayal.  They may take that skepticism into our text exchange, but I don’t believe they will maintain that skepticism.  When I’m talking about perspective, I’m talking about existence, and what can be, and what cannot be, based on what is, and is likely.  What does the death of my daughter mean?  All of this will probably lead to questions about the relationship Ava had with her father, and there is a window into that relationship through our text log.  

The idea is the reader will have expectations that are contradicted by the text log.  Even if everything in the chapters is taken at face value, I believe the reader will come to find that Ava is much different than they expect.  I anticipate that the text log will largely be a feel good read.  It is to me but I’m of course predisposed to feeling good because it features part of my daughter’s essence at different times in her life.  The text exchange is a slope, which is in part why I don’t want to begin with it.  By that I mean, while there are interesting portions from when she was 16 and 17, the content becomes more interesting and entertaining from about 17.5 through 19.  As the log progresses it also shows how Ava became happier as she got older. 

Alternatively, you could begin with the text portion which is actually the linear read.  2.5 years of texts and then the event.  What you read in the text uses my daughter to create interest in what happened to her, as opposed to using what happened to her to create interest in her.  The reader enters the event portion with an understanding of Ava which will change how that portion of the book is perceived.  I was inclined to use this order, but I think there’s a fair amount of people who may not be interested in being dropped into 200 pages of text exchange.

You can choose your own adventure.

The book is not only about a beautiful person who has decided not to be here any longer and the relationship she had with dad.  You will be exposed to novel concepts concerning the nature of existence, psychology, the organization of human beings, morality, the underlying human moral failing that produces human problems, a brief but critical examination of religion, among other interesting and beneficial content.         

The following is a brief chapter summary.       

Bad to Worst provides details of being informed that my daughter was in ICU.  It was initially reported to me that she was going to make a full recovery.  The following day I learned that would not be the case.  The chapter provides some of my initial thoughts, feelings, and bewilderment that took place within about the first 30 hours, including the 16 hour drive back to Wisconsin from Texas.  

Why?  Upon meeting Holly (Ava’s mother) at the hospital, and talking to Fern (Ava’s boyfriend), I had a better understanding as to why Ava made the decision she made that led to this outcome.  I explore Ava’s general circumstances as perceived by myself, her mother, and her boyfriend, and more specifically her circumstances and influences on behavior the night of December 2nd when the event occurred.  

The Bigger Picture.  There’s no way to process death and loss without seeing it in the context of what you understand existence to be.  I share the most probable explanation of existence, based on the function of the universe and the problem it solves, as well as ideal according to the conscious experience.  I shared this explanation with Holly and Fern for whatever consolation it could be to them.  

Jill and Jesus.  Wasn’t a huge deal, but I was mildly irritated with something Jill said that comes from her religious beliefs.  This chapter addresses the deficiency in logic and ideal of the Christian doctrine.  

Froedtert.  I spent 3 days with my daughter in the ICU at Froedtert Hospital in Wauwatosa, WI, to complete the organ donor process.  This chapter chronicles that experience including a review of the staff and the role they played in our experience.  

Ava in Her Own Words.  This is where our text log begins.  It spans a little over 2.5 years, beginning when Ava is 16 and ending about a day before her suicide.  There’s roughly 4 months from when she was 16, all of 17 and 18, and about 2.5 months as a 19 year old.    

What Was She Thinking?  After you’ve had a chance to become acquainted with Ava, I analyze and suggest possible motives for the act based on the information I have about what happened the night of December 2nd, 2024.  The 2nd chapter discusses the general explanation, whereas this chapter goes into specifically what she may have been thinking and feeling that caused her to proceed with the act at that time.  

Conclusion.  This conclusion restates the cause of the act, and speculates that Ava’s consciousness has survived death and what such a space may be like in consideration of ideal.  I answer the question of what she has left, which is more a general assessment of how worthwhile life is in this world and specifically in this country.   

Additional Content.    I provide a link to a google drive folder that contains screenshots to the text log for anyone who wants to verify that these are the texts we exchanged.  Within that folder there is another folder that will be updated with additional content pertaining to Ava.  Pictures, art, crafts etc.